Our Beloved

Allahyarham Kamaruzaman bin Mariam

11.11.1961 - 16.4.2018

When my father in law fell sick and changed from a healthy fit guy into a bedridden parent in an instant, i thought this is how Allah is going to test us all as a family. And i started writing down some entries in Coping, thinking how this is going to be a long journey ahead of us. i thought of putting into words some of the memories in this hidey-hole.

The first month was spent in the hospital. juggling time to and fro the hospitals mainly. the next month came by and it was all about preparing for abahKama's coming home. and once he was home, days passed again as we were focusing on his needs. and things were slowly settling down by the third month as we were slowly coping with fulfilling our family's needs along with our needs too.

as for abahKama, he was slowly and steadily doing well. he tried his best mouthing some words when communicating, he understood most of what we tell him, he could smile and laugh awkwardly at my sister's jokes. he did small exercises with Ma. he could move most of the time, despite not really fully within his control. but we saw progress. and all the family members were coping well with taking care of abah: changing diapers, feeding milk via the tube, cleaning his tracheostomy etc. and me and Aizzat were coping in our own way, with Aizzat filling his time with extra working hours whenever he can to support the family.

We were doing well. Abah was doing well.

and we plan. but Allah is the best planner of all.

as 16th of April 2018 came.

I came home from work to an empty house as usual, as Aizzat was on his PM shift that would finish at 10pm. I was lazying around as Maghrib entered, when Aizzat called me saying we're heading home to Pasir Mas. "abah's having seizures."

We both didn't panic. my first thought was this is a complication for a stroke patient. it's bound to happen. maybe he had some small seizures and Aizzat said Ma had called the ambulance already. we packed swiftly and all i could think of in the car was "okay maybe a night or two in the hospital. I just hoped Abah's condition is not worsened by it." And Aizzat was pretty much thinking of the same thing too. We were calm doctors as opposed to panic-stricken daughter/son. 

then the phone call.

"yan, abah takdok dah." Ma said.

i didn't comprehend. did i hear wrong? but i started crying and sobbing istighfar as the words sink in.

which was the worst way for Aizzat to learn that his beloved father had passed away. Aizzat was asking in sobs "kenapa sayang? kenapa sayang?" :(

we cried the whole way back to Pasir Mas. picking up aizzat's sister from UiTM along the way. but once we were home, nobody shed tears. we were doing our best to handle the funeral. which was all new to us. families including my parents came by to help us alhamdulillah.

Abah passed away in the ambulance, on his way to the hospital. we brought him home later that night after settling some paper work. we took turns reciting the Quran beside him until morning came. everybody looked spent. i watch my husband and all my in laws. and saw how strong they were in handling everything. no one cried.

until it was time to say our final goodbyes. each of us went to kiss his cold cheeks and forehead. abah looked good. handsome we'd all say. something that made us felt a little better from our broken hearts that day. 

Semoga roh abah ditempatkan bersama orang-orang beriman. ameen ameen ya Rabb.

**********

how do we handle losing our loved ones? there is no right way for us to do it actually. it's just something we don't want to think about let alone plan for it. but when it happens, we go through it. no matter how hard it is, we pray that Allah guide us through it. because Allah already wills it to happen. Abah's passing will always leave a hole in our hearts. and grief is nothing but a roller coaster ride. where we would smile and laugh at one moment, and find ourselves crying in our doa missing him at the next. but being Muslims, we take comfort knowing that he is still there, just in another phase of life. we'll all be there too one day. but for now, doa is the only thing that could reach him. so keeping him in our daily prayers is the only way to move forward.

Abah,

we bear witness that you have been a great father to us, a great husband to Ma.

one who would always smile and giggle to brighten up anyone's mood

one who never stopped working even when you were not feeling well

one who treat friends and families with so much respect

you've worked so hard all your life, abah 

and it's time for you to have your rest alongside our Creator now, insyaAllah.

we'll take care of your little girls and Ma as best as we can Abah,

we both promise you that. :')

till we all meet again in Jannah Abah, 

biidznillah wa insyaAllah.

“Apabila meninggal dunia seorang anak Adam maka putuslah segala amalannya kecuali tiga iaitu: Sedekah yang ditinggalkan semasa hidup, ilmu yang dimanfaatkan dan anak yang soleh yang mendoakan kedua ibu bapanya.”

Hadis Riwayat Luqman Hakim

Dearest Umar

My first nephew was born today.

Umar Khalif bin Afnan.

16 Feb 2013

I was not around when he came beautifully into our lives. but i'm sure Kak Ita had underwent the most exhilarating experience of her life when she gave birth to Umar. When i received the text from Abe that evening, in the middle of Harry Fear's talk, telling that Kak Ita was now in the hospital; all i could do was pray that Allah will keep both Kak Ita and baby Umar safe till the very end. Alhamdulillah, Allah did just that. :')

when Abe texted our family's whatsapp group, i was the only one who read it since it was in the middle of the night back in Malaysia, and it was 7 p.m for me. reading it, i knew for a fact how scared and excited he was. listening to him all those time since Summer and the Winter holidays, i knew how much both Abe and Kak Ita were so excited with baby-bump-Umar in their lives. Abe and Kak Ita had their own cute way of expressing it. Baby Umar would kick Kak Ita's tummy so much when he was in there, and Abe would put a box on the tummy, just to see it fall off when Umar kick it from inside. Adorable. Very adorable. :)

And today Alhamdulillah,

Umar is out to greet his parents with Allah's Will.

i can only imagine the huge eyes and the very slow movements babies make.

it's adorable in every angle that you just ended up staring at them in the creepiest way.

heheh. and i talk from experience okay.

and as much as i wish i'm there just like i was there during Airaa's first few days, *click*

i guess i'm just gonna have to wait patiently for Summer.

and when i'm back home i'm gonna be the crazy old Aunty Chik again,

kissing Airaa, Umar and insyaAllah another cutie pie; to my heart's content!

mwahahaha (evil laugh)

*******

فَبِأَىِّ ءَالَآءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ

Maka nikmat Tuhanmu yang manakah yang kamu dustakan?

[Ar-Rahman]

Thank You ya Rabb,

for shining yet another light into our lives.

And thank You is never enough, with these kinds of blessings that Allah gave us.

the only way to prove that we are thankful enough

is to be more dutiful in carrying out our responsibilities as His Hamba,

insyaAllah.

and to you dearest baby Umar,

i pray that you will grow up to be a handsome soleh muslim.

and knowing  that you will grow up with;

a very warm-hearted daddy and a beautiful sweet mummy by your side;

i know that you'll be able to be just that;

mukmin yang soleh.

Aamiin.

Aamiin.

ya Rabb al-A'lamin.

yours truly;

Aunty Chik 

ps: too much love to give away. saya pening lalat.

Airaa and Umar i love youuuu T____T

pps: Dad's text this morning:
"Kak Ita selamat lahirkan baby boy at 1p.m. Abe got teary."

comel. :')

Love you much Abe and Kak Ita and baby Umar!

and never forgetting my first Boolat, Airaa!

Flowery Feelings :)

linked

phone conversation;

Kakak: abah, kakak depan rumah dah ni.

abah: huh? depan rumah? (and he literally went to the window to peek.) *my heart breaks.huhu~*

kakak: depan rumah kakak la.hehe~

conversation in the kitchen;

mama: yan, kalau kita drive je pegi tak boleh ke?

me: drive kl? adoi jauh mama. letih nanti.

mama: kalau 2 jam mama gi everyday tengok anak-anak mama.  *ugh..kill me already~*

***********

gah.. it breaks my heart that abah and mama miss them so much. and me and lin can only act as professional as we could, going along with their flow. being sympathetic all the time, throwing the right words; but stealing winks and evil glints from behind. heheh. 

alhamdulillah, it started with kak ita's lovely surprise to abe; buying him tickets for kelantan for his birthday. hehe. that got abe googly-eyed for sure. love you kak ita for starting all this!

because surely kakak couldn't stop herself from planning to come back too. what with Airaa's birthday coming up soon. the best possible way is to have kakak, abe Ammar and Boolat Airaa here with us, kan? :)

so now, only 2 days away before their coming-back; all five of them, though abe is a little bit later than kakak. all plans are in place now, alhamdulillah. so with His Will, i pray that all these surprises work their wonders, and fill abah and mama's hearts, in the best possible way. 

hoping our little effort to make them happy,

would give them their much-deserved flowery feelings. 

Aamiin :)

and here's a hadith to ponder on;

‘Abd Allah ibn ‘Amr radhiallahu 'anh menerangkan bahawa seorang lelaki datang kepada Nabi shallallahu 'alaihi wasallam dan berkata:

“Sesungguhnya aku datang untuk memberi janji taat setia (bai‘ah) kepada engkau untuk berhijrah, akan tetapi aku meninggalkan kedua orang tuaku dalam keadaan menangis.” 

Rasulullah shallallahu 'alaihi wasallam berkata kepadanya:

“Kembalilah kepada mereka berdua dan jadikanlah mereka berdua ketawa (gembirakanlah mereka) sebagaimana kamu jadikan mereka menangis.”

[Sahih: al-Nasa'i]

ps: and here's a good read for hadiths related to parents :) may it benefit.

Click!

pps: if i write 'surprises' in the search box, i bet there'd be a whole bunch of  entries for the surprises we've made. hehe :)  i might have to keep them in track now. but one thing for sure, they always work wonders :) have a go yourself! make our parents happy~ Redha Allah terletak pada redha ibubapa kan? salam :)

1.2.3 words

i write this post in dedication to my tak-seibu-sebapa-big bro and his team, who had successfully managed a great beneficial event in Southampton. Allah’s blessings all the way. praying that this event has only strengthen our iman, especially those involved in it directly and indirectly, and everyone whose heart has been touched by what they have gained from it, insyaAllah. 

*********

linked

earlier today i have seen so many tweets and my newsfeed was filled with Love this and Love that. it got me smiling really. especially for the first session of the event, which im guessing the talk was about the know-hows in raising children. 

why i was smiling? because most of the quotes posted, were things that i have been through and still am. i thank Allah. because He has given me my abah and mama, who has brought us up in the best possible way. 

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. 

it’s the only kalimah that can describe how i felt for being blessed with the two people. 

so many quotes i’ve read, and so many i wish to share in here. but maybe i will share them one by one insyaAllah if i have the time. i don’t want to bombard the readers with too much love; nanti angau. hehe ;). So, here is one for today.

***************

“saying I Love You to non mahram, 

is easier than saying it to your parents.” 

i have always been a homey-person. so i guess that has gotten me less exposed to how others lived their lives. i was a bit late in realizing that not everybody says “I Love You” that easily to their family. some find it really awkward. some find their tongue would go extra stiff. some don’t even bother. some have never said it once. huhu. =,=’’ 

but in my household, these 3 words are essential. I Love You’s end our phone conversations. I love You’s end our nights before we go to sleep. I Love You’s start our morning when we entered the kitchen groggily to eat breakfast Mama had prepared. I Love You’s are shouted from the bathroom because Abah is about to go out to work, and we were in the middle of shampooing. 

some say: “tak nak lah. nanti jadi tak precious dah bila selalu cakap.” 

maybe. everybody have their own ways, their own thoughts and their own styles. but i beg to differ in this opinion. because in my experience, saying those 3 words for 22 years now, to all those people i love and care for dearly; had never ever changed the meaning behind them words in a slightest bit. precious still, insyaAllah. 

i never felt that those words are not genuine. because everytime i hear them, i know that they came from the heart. you don’t need specific things, or events to say I Love You. because in essence, we love them all the time. kan? 

let say if there are ever a time when we say I Love You and yet, we don’t really ‘feel’ it. i guess the frequency is not something to be blamed. Rather, we ourselves are the ones to be blamed. what makes out heart so rock-stiffed, that we don’t even mean the thing we said? tepuk dada, Tanya iman. 

it’s like saying Alhamdulillah. being grateful to Allah. bersyukur. that’s when we will say it. so, does saying Alhamdulillah all the time, make us any less grateful to Allah? no. but if we do felt that it don’t mean a thing, it’s the heart that’s the problem. why are we saying Alhamdulillah, when we are not even thankful to Allah? macam tu lah I Love You pun. 

if i ever have my way, i would ask everyone around me to make sure that they say I Love You to their loved ones. “cheesy sangatlah.”. fine. change it to; “sayang sangat!” still cheesy? whatever. we all became extra cheesy with non-mahrams in those mendekati-zina-relationships, saying I Love You only after 7 days of knowing one another? yet we give all different reasons not to say so to those who watched us growing up for the past 22 or whataver years we have lived. that’s just bizarre, don’t you think? 

like i said before, saying I Love You’s is a common thing in my life, Alhamdulillah. and it is one of those things that make me felt content. one of those things that kept me thankful to Allah all the time. it filled every part of my heart really. to be able to hear them words constantly by the people i love. not just from my Abah and Mama, but from Kakak, from Abe, and from Lin. *and from friends too.ngee~* and the best part is, i can say I Love You anytime and anywhere too. 

Mama is cooking in the kitchen. and i would hug my very cute Mama, plant a kiss on her cheek, and say; 
“I Love You, Mama.” 

Abah is reading his newspaper intently in the living room, i would just go peek around his paper, 
plant a kiss on his cheek and say; 
“I Love You, Abah.” 

Kakak is making her usual jokes and lawak badut that makes me giggle so much, and i would plant a kiss on her cheek and say; 
“I Love You, Kakak.” 

Abe is busy helping me out with gadgets and techs that i don’t understand, 
explaining things for the 100th time that i still won’t understand, and i would plant a kiss on his cheek and say, 
“I Love You, Abe.” 

Lin is so intense in her studying, finishing her piles of homework from school, 
and i can always go and plant a kiss on her cheek, and say; 
“I love You, sayang.” 

i am thankful that i am able to do all this, and will continue to do so insyaAllah, for the rest of my life. and they have never been awkward. because these are all the things they had done to me. and what’s best, they sometimes do it without me knowing about it. when i would find myself stirred from my sleep, only to feel that Abah or Mama had just kissed me goodnite and saying “I love you sayang” without even expecting for a reply. and it’s always things like this that made me so sure that, it doesn’t matter how many times we say it, what matters most is we mean it everytime we do. insyaAllah. 

so start now. it might be awkward and stiff the first time, but you’d lose so much more if you haven’t even tried it once. but again, everybody is different in expressing their love. this is just a way that i have been brought up in, and i wish to continue it to my own kids one day too insyaAllah. *and perhaps extending them to my anak-anak buah as well. mwahaha.* 

sometimes, love can be expressed more bluntly. it’s just fitrah.

and i just love expressing my love towards others; 

i believe it makes others happy too; 

indirectly, He will be happy too. 

kan? 

insyaAllah. 

praying this will be considered as an ibadat. Ameen.

Rasulullah Shallallahu ‘alaihi wa Sallam bersabda :

إذا أحب أحدكم أخاه فى الله، فليعلمه، فإنه أبقى في الألفة وأثبت في المودة.

“Apabila salah seorang dari kamu mencintai saudaranya karena Allah, hendaklah ia memberitahu kepadanya, karena hal itu dapat mengeratkan kasih sayang dan memperkuat rasa cinta.” 

linked

Rasulullah Shallallahu ‘alaihi wa Sallam bersabda dalam sebuah riwayat dari Rabbnya :

قال الله تعالى: حقت محبتي للمتحابين في.

“Allah berfirman : “Cinta-Ku telah ditetapkan bagi siapa saja yang saling mencintai karena Aku”.

sources

wallahua'lam.

surprise surprise

by *TheSweetBlackMadness

Friday's sedekah : lots of smilesss ;) - me

5pm, Malaysia time.
at pintu dapur belakang,
kakak's house, Putrajaya.

suspects: Abah, Mama & Lin.

activity: menyorok kat pintu belakang rumah, waiting for kakak, abe ammar and baby to come home. they waited still for about an hour, despite a very long 8-hours drive from Kota Bharu, not even stopping for lunch, just because they wanted to eat the Kelantan-brought laksa with their kids. :)

at about 8am, Dublin time. i tried calling Abah. to make sure they have safely arrived. but my call was rejected at the 2nd ring. "reject yan call? ouh, koyak." =,='' dad texted though, kakak was not home yet. takut the phone call might distract him from the well-planned surprise. hehe

*********

sometimes you cant imagine parents doing this kind of things at their age. (read: indirectly cakap abah mama tua. mwahaha) not to mention this includes a very long drive from Kelate! i guess us kids doing this is quite normal. cute still, but nothing out of the ordinary. (read: our typical thing,  my legendary surprise, and abah's sweetest surprise for mama). but for them to make this kind of effort, it's priceless. 

i guess the frequent surprises we made for them, have rubbed into them. i have always told many of my friends, you cant expect your parents (or anyone for that matter) to start doing something, unless you yourself start it. some say it's very hard to say I Love You to your very serious dad. but not saying it at all won't make it any easier. some say it's totally embarrassing to hug your big brother in front of a crowd, well actually no one even cares if you hug your brother or not. and after a while, voila! you see them doing it back to you, and words can't even describe how happy you will be at that time. seriously ;)

**********

people have different ways of expressing their love though. so not doing all these doesn't mean that you don't love them. still, im just sharing my way of expressing love towards another. i think i call everyone of my friends 'sayang'. (though some say they were feeling kind of awkward at first, sorry for that.hehe). but that's just my weird 'token' of appreciation.

so my point is, sometimes it's a good thing to show your appreciation/love towards another literally. cuz without you knowing it, you might just make their day ;)

Rasulullah s.a.w bersabda, maksudnya; “Manusia yang paling dikasihi Allah ialah orang yang  memberi manfaat kepada orang lain  dan amalan yang paling disukai oleh Allah ialah  menggembirakan hati orang-orang Islam  atau menghilangkan kesusahan daripadanya  atau menunaikan keperluan hidupnya di dunia  atau memberi makan orang yang lapar.  Perjalananku bersama saudaraku yang muslim untuk menunaikan hajatnya,  adalah lebih aku sukai daripada aku beriktikaf di dalam masjid ini selama sebulan,  dan sesiapa yang menahan kemarahannya sekalipun ia mampu untuk membalasnya  nescaya Allah akan memenuhi keredhaannya di dalam hatinya pada hari Qiamat,  dan sesiapa yang berjalan bersama-sama saudaranya yang Islam  untuk menunaikan hajat saudaranya itu hinggalah selesai hajatnya  nescaya Allah akan tetapkan kakinya (ketika melalui pada hari Qiamat)  dan sesungguhnya akhlak yang buruk akan merosakkan amalan  seperti cuka merosakkan madu.”   Riwayat Ibnu Abi Dunya

********

this is just a random post on a Friday. 

i miss my family so much right now. 

as of now, all of them are in Putrajaya *again*

ah..so jealous.

*****

yours truly,

have a blessed Friday peeps ;)

romantic

at this very moment, abah is at the 'gift shop' i guess. it's a surprise for mama he had been planning for many weeks now. only kakak and me knows, *and the world i guess, considering im writing about this pretty bluntly*. abe and lin? oblivious of course. sadly as i might be, abe is not a fan of my blog. but he does drop by occasionally, and calling me afterwards saying things like 'rindu adik abe'. ^,^

so back to the story; as calm as he might try to be, both kakak and me knows that he is VERYY much excited. i was laughing by myself, seeing abah buying a card for mama senyap-senyap. and almost got caught the other day when he was trying to write in it. on the other hand, we should all be thankful that mama is a very innocent ibu. abah kept on dropping hints now and then, to the extent i asked him to stop. really. i was scared mama can sense it. but just yesterday i casually started a conversation with mama, asking about things related to the present. alhamdulillah. her innocence makes all things easier for us. hehehe. she still thinks abah will never buy it. (",)

so abah is pretty much excited. last week he asked me to help him decorate the gift. winking here and there, wanting to use some of kakak's wedding leftovers: ribbons, flowers. being a busy me (busy la sangat.huhu) only yesterday i looked into the box for the ribbons and stuff, only to know that abah has already taken it all. haha. abah is veryy sweet to mama. but it's still hard to imagine abah doing all the decorating stuff cuz he's never one to do those kind of things much. he's more of a sweet dad in a protective kind of way.

and just now before he left the house, he actually took the whole box of ribbons with him! i prayed mama didnt notice the missing box. (i put my handbag and some books there). anyway, mama's reciting Quran in the living room right now. so ill try and lure her to go the kitchen after this. the final strategy. to divert mama's attention so that she won't hear abah's coming back.

at 52, they are still making surprises for one another. i wish i'd be like that someday too. knowing that, the key to it all is Allah. the happiness that we all look for, is Allah's. love itself, is Allah's to give. we can seek for it, doing all the things that we learn from experiences, from sunnah, but in the end, Allah will be the one to plant love in our heart.

so to those youngsters out there seeking for love from opposite sexes, trust me, those aren't real love. real love is Allah's to give. associating it with sins, is a prove that the love we have is not real. bisikan Mr Merah semata-mata. so yakinla, and put the right effort with the guidance from the Quran and Sunnah. if tak tahu, tanye orang yang lebih berilmu cara betul ni macam mana.

do it the right way, start this beautiful journey the right way, then insyaAllah, at 52, 62, 72 or even 102! you can still cutely make surprises for one another, and you can still feel the love just like the day when Mr Right said..."aku terima nikahnya...."

love.

it's Allah's to give. and the best love is always His Love.

and, here i am, already behind schedule! gotta GO!!

ps: it's white too! (",)

cerita kami adik-beradik

earlier this week; (last week untuk orang klate)

abe ammar decided to come back this weekend,
as usual, keeping it a secret.
to surprise abah, mama, me and lin.

but being kakak,
she cant keep the secret to herself.
not that she cant keep secrets,
it's just that it involves a long journey,
so berkat doa mama is needed. so she told mama.

and mama, being her cute bubbly self,
cant keep the secret; hence, i know.

so the usual target is abah. (and lin.hehe)
which surprisingly one day, out of the blue,said:
"abah rasa expectant. macam ade orang nak balik."
and he waved the idea off.
while mama was busy cuit-cuit me under the table.
yan buat tak tau menggapai kueh atas meja,
worrying abah will sense. *huhu*

i talked to kakak and mama.

so abe is not coming back. *sob2*

he's a bit busy. coming back is definitely tiring for him.

kesian abe. no pressure. plus, he has a lot of 'hari cuti' left.

so perhaps he can come back early before raya.

the day finally comes. due to some problems, 

kakak said she'll be arriving a bit late. around 1 am.

she'll be breaking fast at raub, at her mom-in-law's.

me and mama kept our cool that day.

im happy imagining how happy abah will be.

*cuz he's already sad counting days till im off back to dublin*

but mama, being a devoted mom,

who worries that her children will be travelling in the middle of the night,

felt that she cant keep the secret no more.

suddenly masa berbuka "mama oyat ko abah deh?"

imagine my chaotic mind trying to cover the whole thing up!

thankfully, my controlled-outside-self managed to change the topic

and with some tricks here and there, abah remain oblivious.

but then, oblivious to me and mama, 

abah made a phone call to abe after tarawikh.

abe tersalah cakap about kakak coming back.

=,='

abah syak, made a phone call to kakak.

and managed to confirm his syak wasangka.

both kakak and abe still not knowing that they had failed the plan. *huhu*

nearing 1am, i cant handle the sleepiness no more. 

then kakak text me saying she has arrived.

it never occurred to me that abah actually sense this,

considering abah was still outside watching Discovery.

cuz usually he would already sleep when it's nearing 12.

so in the end, abah was not that surprised. though still very very happy.

(he cant stop smiling everytime we attempted these surprises)

i went downstairs with abah.

in return, i was totally surprised to see ABE!

excited excited~ 

then everybody went to sleep. 

mama went out to see kakak and abe ammar.

abe somehow managed to slip pass all that.

nak surprise mama the next morning.

sahur the next day, tengah lipat-lipat kain sembahyang,

i heard mama's surprised exclamation in the kitchen.

"abe da jumpe mama la tu"

so, basically everybody tried to surprise one another,

and ended up being surprised ourself.

but the one that remain oblivious to ALL these things,

is baby lin. who seems very composed with all the commotion.

haha. cute.

footnote: 

this tradition of us adik beradik has been going on a few years back.

trying to surprise mama and abah, by sneakily coming back.

be it with the car, or bus, or even flight. 

the first time; was by kakak. during her university days.

the crazy one; was last february.when i came back for kakak's wedding.

eventhough we have done this sooo many times,

while trying very hard to improvise our plan here and there;

one thing for sure is, our surprises never fail to make them totally happy.

biarpun balik 2 hari je. 

so today they will be going back. isk2.

moral of this long story is; make our parents happy.

cuz we love them with all our heart. ^,^

"Keredhaan Allah terletak pada keredhaan ibubapa,

kemurkaan Allah terletak pada kemurkaan ibubapa."

[Riwayat At-Tirmizi]

abah + mama overseeing Lake Toba
ps: happy 28th anniv (",)

them admiring Allah's creation at Subuh. before being disturbed by anak-anak stalker
from the next verandah with disturbing "phewittt" sounds. haha

ps: to be able to write this kind of entry, i am forever thankful to Allah for His Blessings and His Love. because for all i know, a friend i love is trying her best to cope with her loss. my prayers will always be with her and her family. stay strong dear, Allah is always there for you.

Secret: Part 4 -revealed-

alhamdulillah

today my so-called secret will be revealed

after 1 month of planning with kakak

it's done.

i went back home for kakak's wedding
yes.
kakak's wedding.
back home.
malaysia.
kelantan.
home sweet home.

as a suprise for mama and abah especially

for abe (i thought he knew) and lin

and all the families

~hehe~

everything went well

the wedding went smoothly

the surprise was perfect.

and definitely priceless.

lots of things happened making this a priceless memory for me.

seeing the look on abah's face when he saw me; 

not saying anything and straight away he hugged me and kiss me.

how mama cried at the front door upon seeing me. 

and then i quickly hugged and kissed her.

how all my aunts cried too.

and the hugging and kissing.

how i was there holding kakak's hand during the akad nikah.

how people actually not able to register that it was me they were seeing till i said, "yan ni."

and how last night, just telling my uncles (abang2 abah) the story of how abah reacted,

and they all ended up teary-eyed (uncles okay?)

sangat terharu with everybody.

and this is only a small part of the whole surprise story.

i will forever remember this memory.

i came back with the aim of making my family happy.

i think i did just that;

it was perfect for them.

and definitely perfect for me.

thank You Allah.

You Made it all possible.

ps: now i have to get used to my family staring at me at times. yes, sometimes they are still in disbelief that i am actually home.hehe~

ouh. and the constant hugging and kissing without any reason.

*tapi im used to that already.hehe.i love being hugged and kissed.lala*

pps: paling happy. im there in the wedding pictures.yeay!!

Secret: Part 3

it's time.

it's also my first time.

only Allah knows how much scared i am now.

but the fact that He Knows this,

should make things all better, right?

insyaAllah.

whatever it is,

only You can help me now.

Ya Allah,

permudahkanlah urusanku.

after all,

He is the Best Planner.

~wallahua'lam~

Secret: Part 2

my mind is elsewhere.

when i look at my anatomy book, and it looks back.

pandang-memandang.

tapi dua-dua senyap.

*if buku tu tak senyap freaky la pulak*

when i surf the net with the intentions to check my schedule.

but instead i ended up checking my other schedule.

when i go to the kitchen to eat, 

but i ended up thinking of what ill be eating tomorrow instead.

yup.

my mind is DEFINITELY elsewhere.

the secret is almost out.

but im gonna keep silent just for a little while.

in the meantime,

i have millions of plans for that night;

dont know which one to choose from.

but most importantly, 

make sure the night DOES happen.

ya Allah

permudahkanlah urusanku. (",)

to A: thank you so much. 

Secret: Part 1

19th January 2010

everything changes

semua milik Allah.

your stuff

your time

your energy

everything

He Taught me countless time already that anything can happen

seriously

ANYTHING

be it good or bad.

logic or not.

So all i can do now is do what i do best.

give whatever He wants to take from me

accept whatever He wants to give me

with a smile on my face

and a belief in my heart

that He Always Knows Best

i may be an insignificant creation of yours,

but i want You to know,

that i love You.

so so much.

~thank You~

i am forever grateful

*alhamdulillah*

*alhamdulillah*

*alhamdulillah*

"the best 12 days"

*outside masjidil haram. i miss this so much.isk. sorry abah..im tall.=)*

it was 11pm. after isyak. we just came back from masjidil haram and abah & mama brought me and my siblings to the kebab shop they love to go to during their Haji.


we were in the room indulging ourselves with these kebabs, when abah suddenly said;

"ok. anak2 abah. this is 'the 12 best days' for me.."

abah continued on. (secret la.. those were sacred words for us siblings..isk2)

even at that time, i know that it was true. there were truly no better name to give to the days that we have there. it doesnt mean that the days there were all perfect. what with the scorching hot sun, oven-like temperature, chapped lips, kulit menggelupas etc. but yes, it remain the best 12 days to us. i know that it will be the best 12 days of my life. i might have other best days (graduation ke..hari kawin nti ke?etc) but nothing can make me feel the way i feel there.


was it a family trip? kind of. but it was definitely a special one. we were there together, i was with the most important people in my life.(abah,mama,kakak,abe n lin) and we were there to be close to Our Creator. bukan bersuka suki..bukan nk enjoy..bukan sebab dunia.. tp nk dekatkan diri dgn Allah. The One who had given us all the Nikmat that we dont even deserve considering what we have done.

kat sane, i learnt a lot about Izin Allah. everything happens if Allah let it. Without Izin Allah, we wouldnt even be there in the first place. so Alhamdulillah. i could only pray and pray and thank Him for all the chances He gave us. the chance of going there is already more that what we hoped for. but the chances He gave us to do all the things that we did there,i couldnt even describe it.

masjid nabawi, makam Rasulullah SAW, Raudhah, jabal Uhud, perkuburan As-Syuhada, Jabal Rahmah, Gua Hira', Gua Thur, Masjid Qiblatain, Bir Ali, Tanaim, Ja'ranah, Masjidil Haram, Bab As-Salam, Safa wa Marwah, Hijr Ismail, Makam Ibrahim, the list goes on. and finally Kaabah.. these are the places that ive only read about.never yet imagined of being there. now, each have their own story that im going to cherish and think of. whenever and wherever i can. InsyaAllah.

the feelings i had was priceless. thinking of it alone makes me feel really small & insignificant. makes me think of how Gracious Allah is to us..i miss everything. =(

May the 12 best days be remembered, all our life.
to abah & mama, thank you for bringing us there. i love you.
to kakak, abe & lin,, i love you girls. and guy~
next time, it will be us taking abah and mama there k. insyaAllah..=)

Alhamdulillah
in the name of Allah,
the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Alhamdulillah
Alhamdulillah