Allahyarham Kamaruzaman bin Mariam
11.11.1961 - 16.4.2018
When my father in law fell sick and changed from a healthy fit guy into a bedridden parent in an instant, i thought this is how Allah is going to test us all as a family. And i started writing down some entries in Coping, thinking how this is going to be a long journey ahead of us. i thought of putting into words some of the memories in this hidey-hole.
The first month was spent in the hospital. juggling time to and fro the hospitals mainly. the next month came by and it was all about preparing for abahKama's coming home. and once he was home, days passed again as we were focusing on his needs. and things were slowly settling down by the third month as we were slowly coping with fulfilling our family's needs along with our needs too.
as for abahKama, he was slowly and steadily doing well. he tried his best mouthing some words when communicating, he understood most of what we tell him, he could smile and laugh awkwardly at my sister's jokes. he did small exercises with Ma. he could move most of the time, despite not really fully within his control. but we saw progress. and all the family members were coping well with taking care of abah: changing diapers, feeding milk via the tube, cleaning his tracheostomy etc. and me and Aizzat were coping in our own way, with Aizzat filling his time with extra working hours whenever he can to support the family.
We were doing well. Abah was doing well.
and we plan. but Allah is the best planner of all.
as 16th of April 2018 came.
I came home from work to an empty house as usual, as Aizzat was on his PM shift that would finish at 10pm. I was lazying around as Maghrib entered, when Aizzat called me saying we're heading home to Pasir Mas. "abah's having seizures."
We both didn't panic. my first thought was this is a complication for a stroke patient. it's bound to happen. maybe he had some small seizures and Aizzat said Ma had called the ambulance already. we packed swiftly and all i could think of in the car was "okay maybe a night or two in the hospital. I just hoped Abah's condition is not worsened by it." And Aizzat was pretty much thinking of the same thing too. We were calm doctors as opposed to panic-stricken daughter/son.
then the phone call.
"yan, abah takdok dah." Ma said.
i didn't comprehend. did i hear wrong? but i started crying and sobbing istighfar as the words sink in.
which was the worst way for Aizzat to learn that his beloved father had passed away. Aizzat was asking in sobs "kenapa sayang? kenapa sayang?" :(
we cried the whole way back to Pasir Mas. picking up aizzat's sister from UiTM along the way. but once we were home, nobody shed tears. we were doing our best to handle the funeral. which was all new to us. families including my parents came by to help us alhamdulillah.
Abah passed away in the ambulance, on his way to the hospital. we brought him home later that night after settling some paper work. we took turns reciting the Quran beside him until morning came. everybody looked spent. i watch my husband and all my in laws. and saw how strong they were in handling everything. no one cried.
until it was time to say our final goodbyes. each of us went to kiss his cold cheeks and forehead. abah looked good. handsome we'd all say. something that made us felt a little better from our broken hearts that day.
Semoga roh abah ditempatkan bersama orang-orang beriman. ameen ameen ya Rabb.
how do we handle losing our loved ones? there is no right way for us to do it actually. it's just something we don't want to think about let alone plan for it. but when it happens, we go through it. no matter how hard it is, we pray that Allah guide us through it. because Allah already wills it to happen. Abah's passing will always leave a hole in our hearts. and grief is nothing but a roller coaster ride. where we would smile and laugh at one moment, and find ourselves crying in our doa missing him at the next. but being Muslims, we take comfort knowing that he is still there, just in another phase of life. we'll all be there too one day. but for now, doa is the only thing that could reach him. so keeping him in our daily prayers is the only way to move forward.
we bear witness that you have been a great father to us, a great husband to Ma.
one who would always smile and giggle to brighten up anyone's mood
one who never stopped working even when you were not feeling well
one who treat friends and families with so much respect
you've worked so hard all your life, abah
and it's time for you to have your rest alongside our Creator now, insyaAllah.
we'll take care of your little girls and Ma as best as we can Abah,
we both promise you that. :')
till we all meet again in Jannah Abah,
biidznillah wa insyaAllah.
“Apabila meninggal dunia seorang anak Adam maka putuslah segala amalannya kecuali tiga iaitu: Sedekah yang ditinggalkan semasa hidup, ilmu yang dimanfaatkan dan anak yang soleh yang mendoakan kedua ibu bapanya.”
Hadis Riwayat Luqman Hakim