Our Beloved

Allahyarham Kamaruzaman bin Mariam

11.11.1961 - 16.4.2018

When my father in law fell sick and changed from a healthy fit guy into a bedridden parent in an instant, i thought this is how Allah is going to test us all as a family. And i started writing down some entries in Coping, thinking how this is going to be a long journey ahead of us. i thought of putting into words some of the memories in this hidey-hole.

The first month was spent in the hospital. juggling time to and fro the hospitals mainly. the next month came by and it was all about preparing for abahKama's coming home. and once he was home, days passed again as we were focusing on his needs. and things were slowly settling down by the third month as we were slowly coping with fulfilling our family's needs along with our needs too.

as for abahKama, he was slowly and steadily doing well. he tried his best mouthing some words when communicating, he understood most of what we tell him, he could smile and laugh awkwardly at my sister's jokes. he did small exercises with Ma. he could move most of the time, despite not really fully within his control. but we saw progress. and all the family members were coping well with taking care of abah: changing diapers, feeding milk via the tube, cleaning his tracheostomy etc. and me and Aizzat were coping in our own way, with Aizzat filling his time with extra working hours whenever he can to support the family.

We were doing well. Abah was doing well.

and we plan. but Allah is the best planner of all.

as 16th of April 2018 came.

I came home from work to an empty house as usual, as Aizzat was on his PM shift that would finish at 10pm. I was lazying around as Maghrib entered, when Aizzat called me saying we're heading home to Pasir Mas. "abah's having seizures."

We both didn't panic. my first thought was this is a complication for a stroke patient. it's bound to happen. maybe he had some small seizures and Aizzat said Ma had called the ambulance already. we packed swiftly and all i could think of in the car was "okay maybe a night or two in the hospital. I just hoped Abah's condition is not worsened by it." And Aizzat was pretty much thinking of the same thing too. We were calm doctors as opposed to panic-stricken daughter/son. 

then the phone call.

"yan, abah takdok dah." Ma said.

i didn't comprehend. did i hear wrong? but i started crying and sobbing istighfar as the words sink in.

which was the worst way for Aizzat to learn that his beloved father had passed away. Aizzat was asking in sobs "kenapa sayang? kenapa sayang?" :(

we cried the whole way back to Pasir Mas. picking up aizzat's sister from UiTM along the way. but once we were home, nobody shed tears. we were doing our best to handle the funeral. which was all new to us. families including my parents came by to help us alhamdulillah.

Abah passed away in the ambulance, on his way to the hospital. we brought him home later that night after settling some paper work. we took turns reciting the Quran beside him until morning came. everybody looked spent. i watch my husband and all my in laws. and saw how strong they were in handling everything. no one cried.

until it was time to say our final goodbyes. each of us went to kiss his cold cheeks and forehead. abah looked good. handsome we'd all say. something that made us felt a little better from our broken hearts that day. 

Semoga roh abah ditempatkan bersama orang-orang beriman. ameen ameen ya Rabb.

**********

how do we handle losing our loved ones? there is no right way for us to do it actually. it's just something we don't want to think about let alone plan for it. but when it happens, we go through it. no matter how hard it is, we pray that Allah guide us through it. because Allah already wills it to happen. Abah's passing will always leave a hole in our hearts. and grief is nothing but a roller coaster ride. where we would smile and laugh at one moment, and find ourselves crying in our doa missing him at the next. but being Muslims, we take comfort knowing that he is still there, just in another phase of life. we'll all be there too one day. but for now, doa is the only thing that could reach him. so keeping him in our daily prayers is the only way to move forward.

Abah,

we bear witness that you have been a great father to us, a great husband to Ma.

one who would always smile and giggle to brighten up anyone's mood

one who never stopped working even when you were not feeling well

one who treat friends and families with so much respect

you've worked so hard all your life, abah 

and it's time for you to have your rest alongside our Creator now, insyaAllah.

we'll take care of your little girls and Ma as best as we can Abah,

we both promise you that. :')

till we all meet again in Jannah Abah, 

biidznillah wa insyaAllah.

“Apabila meninggal dunia seorang anak Adam maka putuslah segala amalannya kecuali tiga iaitu: Sedekah yang ditinggalkan semasa hidup, ilmu yang dimanfaatkan dan anak yang soleh yang mendoakan kedua ibu bapanya.”

Hadis Riwayat Luqman Hakim

Complete Faith

Sick. hence the time for me to write a bit. Alhamdulillah, wa astaghfirullah. may Allah forgives all my sins with my little illness. =_=''

Life has been moving, fast if i may say so. Work has  been non-stop. time flies huh? it's been over 2 months that i've been working as a real doctor. or maybe the right word would be training to be a good doctor. i guess i somewhat truly understand what houseman is all about now: a total training period. days where you experience and see things with your own eyes. see what is right and what is wrong. scolded for what is right and what is wrong. yes it's pretty much a hostile environment. but what can we really do other than rely on Allah's guidance? it's a work that involves so many people. your superiors, your colleagues, your patients, their families. and we all have our own different sets of emotions. and because this world is not perfect, our emotions often clashes with one another. 

nobody is ever happy, nobody is ever satisfied, miscommunication is everywhere, and so do misunderstandings. everybody is taking everybody else for granted. nobody really appreciate what the others are doing. we don't appreciate them as much as they don't appreciate us. MOs and HOs work together, and yet, we think that they hate us, and they think that we hate them. and the cycle goes on. it's a messy world to be honest. one that is so messy that we have to be conscious of our intention all the time, which is something almost impossible to be done at the moment. but if we dont renew our intention, then we'll be the losers in the end.

Loser, i am. because i can already sense moments where i have not been as empathetic as i wanted to. towards these patients that i am in charge of, when all my head can think of is to get those work done, to get the bloods taken, to jot the investigations done, to get the signatures; just so  that i wont get scolded by my superiors. hadoy. sad isn't it? and stupid, to be honest. cause everything we do has been so technical, it's so embarrassing. towards them patients especially, the ones who trusted our hands in taking care of them. and most importantly, malu kat Allah. The One watching us slipping away with our so-called 'noble' intentions. malu kat Allah. seeing how our akhlak deteriorates with every dissing and bashing that we are doing towards one another.

astaghfirullah. but if we were to blame everything to the environment then nothing will change won't it? so at times that i forget, astaghfirullah is the key word. i remembered once, i was worried that my boss would think that i haven't done my job just because i wasn't updating them through whatsApp and someone else was. i remembered feeling pretty much stupid afterwards. because i know i was doing my best with the patient. so it doesn't really matter if they know or not, or whatever that they perceive about us, so long as we are trying our best. we know it, and Allah Knows it. that's all that really matters. 

another time i was saddened when my fellow colleagues were bashed by their superiors. apparently they perceived that my friends weren't doing their job. i'd feel crushed too if i were them. when the work that you've done day in day out, and yet they still think that we have done nothing. we'd feel like trash won't we? but if we were to stress our heads with what others perceive about us, then it's a tiring cycle. it will be exhausting, both physically and emotionally. so the only solution to all of this is to fix our belief. to fix our line of thoughts: that whatever happens, it's within Allah's will. try our best, regardless if the job is done or not. try our best, even if we are to be scolded afterwards. learn as much, and keep on praying, that Allah keep our heart at ease, with whatever harsh words that we heard from others. that Allah keep our heart at ease, with whatever that happens. 

because eventually, Allah Maha Adil. they will still be held accountable for what they say and what they do. so leave it to them to take it back to Allah on that one fine day. and if that still doesn't comfort us, just remember that every heart is within Allah's grasps. then pray thay Allah lembutkan hati semua orang, at least.

whatever happens, it happens for a reason. by Allah's will. so if it happens, Allah wanted it to happen to us. so let's remind each other of this very simple thing: Tawakkal. to trust Allah completely, with our lives. insyaAllah. We'll be able to smile in the end and say Alhamdulillah. InsyaAllah wa ameen.

******************

on another note, i can never thank Allah enough for all his Plans. this time around, again, Allah planned life so beautifully that i can say nothing other than Alhamdulillah. true how they say, Allah plans things beyond our imagination. may Allah ease the paths ahead insyaAllah. :)

till the next post insyaAllah.

do make doa for me, for my family, 

for my friends, and for everyone else.

let's ace this short trip in Dunya, and seek His Redha;

with and by Allah's will. Aameen.

and here's a special  Doa worth reciting over and over again insyaAllah:
"Ya Allah, do not hold me accountable for what they say about me.
And make me better than what they perceive me to be.
And forgive me for what they don't know about me."
[Abu Bakr As-Siddiq r.a]

At your Feet

I am finally able to really sit down this week. It's only been a week since my grandmother went back to the Creator, but i think because i was in and out of the hospital, i couldn't pay much attention to the broken part deep deep down in my heart; that is until today. I've written and mentioned Che in my writings a number of times, so i decided to search for the word 'Che'. a list of posts popped up, and i'm a blubbering mess right now after reading them all. That little hole she left me with has just gotten bigger.

I want to remember her. So as much as this is a sharing for anyone who stumbles into this blog, i'm writing today to keep her in this little hidey hole of mine. So this might be an ultra long post, and i'm not even sure of what i will write. But i will. So here goes: our little story.

********

03.01.15

Abah picked me from the hospital at 7am. Post tag-call. It was only a day or two after the 'banjir' has gone down. Instead of going straight home, Abah drove me to Auntie's house. It's been about 2 weeks since i last saw Che. And i heard Che was not properly eating a day or so. She was sleeping when I arrived, which is not unusual. But she looked so tired. I checked her pulse. It was fast, but it has always been like that for the past months. I was too preoccupied listening to Auntie telling me the banjir story that day, as they were trapped for the past few days in the house at Kg Pendek, Salor. I remembered thinking, "nasib baik Che tak sakit teruk masa tu". Breathing a sigh of relief knowing that a nurse will attend to Che later in the evening. I said my goodbyes, but somehow i didn't kiss her cheeks like i normally do.

Little did i know that was actually my last goodbye.

I slept late that night, it was almost 1:00am. I tried finishing some slides, and was prepping myself for my on-call the next day. I was almost dozing off when i heard some small knocks on my door. Then later someone opened the door, left some keys and closed it back. I was a bit confused. But i continued sleeping. Then i heard the sound of Abah's car leaving the house. "Che?" I thought of her. Did something happened? But i pushed that thought away and continued sleeping. Only to be woken up a short while later with a phonecall from Abah.

"Yan, che takde dah." 

After subuh i was all prepared to go to  Auntie's house where Che is. Abah, Mama and Lin came back for their shower and we head back there. The house was filled with family members. I saw Che covered from top to toe, surrounded with people reciting the Quran. I wanted to see her face, but i couldn't because of the people around her. I sat near her feet and started reciting Yaasin. Then i lifted the cloth at her feet, and saw the bandages around her foot ulcers. I touched her feet, they were cold. And i can't help myself and sobbed. 

Time passed and it was time for mandi jenazah. My heart says i just have to do it. So i went and asked Mok Su, the one in charged. She said yes, sure you can. And together with other family members, we bathe Che. As gentle as we could, and as careful as we could. Apologizing now and then, if we are hurting her in any way. Some were crying, but i wasn't. The feeling was indescribable. I washed her ulcers, some were new. I realized that those new ulcers developed when i started working in the hospital. I didn't even know. :'(

I went for the burial too. I know it's not advisable to go there, but i wanted to. Just this once. And i get to see arwah Ayoh (grandfather)'s grave too. Right beside Che's. And after it was finished i went back to the hospital for my oncall. And the days passed. Coming back and going to the hospital somehow made me numbed.  Allah kept me away from sadness for the time being, making me forget that i have lost a very special person in this lifetime.

*******

A few weeks before i came back for good from Dublin, Che had a stroke. I came back to a new version of Che. No longer the forgetful one who can sit on her own, but it's someone who's always sleeping. Who looks lethargic all the time. She seldom speaks. Only when she wants to. Even so, her words are short. Sometimes she remembers, sometimes she doesn't. She eats very little, so we started giving her those special milk, via syringes. On good days she'll have a good cup of milk per meal. On bad days she'll have only a quarter of a cup. She can no longer bathe herself, so we have to lift her up to the toilet, to wash and bathe her. It's difficult for everyone and even her. But we just have to do our best.

I came by as often as i could. Everyday or every other day. Checked her pulse. See if she's dehydrated or not. When i'm worried, i asked Mama to call the doctor. One time, we went to Kuala Lumpur for weeks. For my interviews and so on. And i came back to Che developing huge foot ulcers. And she was feverish too. And  my new routine started. To keep watch of her ulcers. To do her dressings. After a few visits by the doctor, we all learn how to deal with her ulcers. I did my very best. It's not like other family members can't do it, they can. But back then, i wanted to be the one doing it for Che. Because i knew i will no longer have much chances to do it when i started working. And because i knew that the time i'm spending with her will soon runs out. And because everybody else were doing something for Che, bathing her, feeding her, so that's the least i could do; to be the cucu doktor at her feet. :')

One time, she opened her eyes when i came to do her dressing. She was a bit healthier that day. More alert. She saw me, crooning down, huddled at her numb feet. She asked someone around who i was. And i answered: "Cucu che la. yan ni. Che ingat kan. Che, yan jadi doktor dah ni Che." She looked at me. "Ouh.. doktor dah?" Did she knew then? Wallahua'lam. I just wish she did. i pray that she did. 

As time passes her condition deteriorates. Bit by bit. Thinner by the day. She was sleeping most of the time. Refusing to open her eyes. She drinks her milk with eyes closed. She seldom talks. A few weeks before Che passed away, she stayed at our house for 2 weeks. I only started working at that time, and i was still able to tend to her feet because she's at our home. And i get to kiss her in the morning before heading for work. But one time, I listened to her lungs.... I talked to my aunts. Che is and will deteriorate further, i said. If she suddenly gets really sick, what will we do? No hospital. That was the unanimous decision. As much as it was a heavy decision, but i felt the same. Hospital would be too much for her. But i prayed that no such event will happen for us to make that decision.

And nothing happened. She was sleeping that night. But her breathing was different. A bit heavier, that was what my cousins noticed. After midnight, Auntie finally called Mama. Auntie wasn't exactly sure, but she told Mama, Che looked a bit different. Hence, the knocks on the door that night before they left me at home. Mama and Abah didn't bring me with them because they were not sure of what was wrong, and was worried that i might be too tired for work the next day. But i was told, after a while of heavy breathing, suddenly Che was gone, after kalimah Allah. :'(

***********

Che. The once grumpy grandmother with her very pedas words. She would rant about this and that, and made some of her grandchildren fearsome of her. But i saw through her. Despite her ranting about our "seluar apa panjang labuh ni, lipat tinggi-tinggi, nanti heret tahi ayam, nak sembahyang macam mana?" - making all of our trousers/ skirts lifted an inch before entering her room - she was a big softie.

I remembered years back, when i started kissing her on the cheeks, despite her annoyance; "Che busuk buat apa cium? Kenapa cium orang tua macam ni?" But i still do. And eventually i realized that whenever i was about to go back after visiting her, she have this expectant gesture, saying that she is busuk but giving me her cheeks still, knowing that i will kiss her no matter what she says. Cute. :)

I will remember the summer days i spent with her, whenever i came back home from Dublin. We would count the years left till i graduate. And i will ask her to pray for me. Che doa sokmo (selalu). And i would cheekily ask her to pray for my jodoh too, asking her that she has to be healthy until the day i meet my Mr Right, because i wanted her to listen to the guy reciting the Quran in front of her, just like she did towards me. Cause sometimes she would ask me to recite Al-fatihah, or Al-kafirun when i'm in her room - fixing my A'in, and Qaf and Ra, always the wrong Ra. and it's always a huge accomplishment if i could recite the Quran with her listening, without any fixes. And she would also cheekily answer my requests: "Che doa sokmo yan boleh hok juruh (baik). Nanti baca doa ni lepas tu tiup kat orang Yan berkenan". :') Che and her antiques.

Sadly i didn't get to bring any Mr Right to you, but i take comfort knowing that whoever i get later on has always been someone who was a part of your prayers insyaAllah. And most importantly, i am blessed that your prayers were with me the whole journey of me becoming a doctor. And i believe whole-heartedly that without Che's prayers, i wouldn't even be where i am today, or who i am today. Thank you Che, because of your prayers, you have made us - your anak-anak and cucu and cicit- as who we are today. It's time for us, your grandchildren to do our part now. To be better Muslims, and send lots and lots of prayers for you insyaAllah.

You will forever be remembered as my cute grumpy Che.

Praying that i will meet you again in Jannah,

Aamiin wa insyaAllah.

One who misses you so much,

the cucu at your feet. :')

*******

"Apabila seorang manusia mati, putuslah (tulisan pahala) amalan
kecuali tiga perkara (yang akan berlanjutan tulisan pahalanya) iaitu

sedekah jariah 

atau ilmu yang memberi faedah kepada orang lain

atau anak yang soleh yang berdoa untuknya."

[riwayat Imam Ahmad]

semoga doa anak-anak dan cucu-cucu Che diterima.
Aamiin.

mind rant #26: A Jittery Start

This will pretty much be my last post before i am officially a working doctor. And perhaps it might take a long time before i could write the next one. All the feelings are there: nervous, excited, disbelief. We're pretty much at the very beginning of a new chapter in our lives that will change everything that we thought we were. Fuh. Dramatic betul ayat.

But to a certain extent, it is true. Cause we can only know who we really are by how we handle ourselves and others, when we are at our lowest or scariest. and housemanship training is just that.

******

I've just finished the 5-day-course PTM (Program Transformasi Minda). Google it up to know what it is. It had been a fun week, really. Overall i'd say it's a week full of realizations of who we really are now: adult, with responsibilities. And huge ones too. *peluh kecil*

But we had fun times too, seeing ourselves as who we are deep down inside: little kids at heart. Cause it's quite funny when you realize that these are actually hospital doctors that you are seeing on the stage: acting as 'not-well-in-the-head' people, dancing to cute songs, wearing those wolf and kambing masks, singing to songs with hands waving in the air. We had a good laugh together. So for fellow juniors who might stumble upon this entry looking for PTM experiences, don't be too scared, you'll pretty much enjoy it.

And now it's already less than 24 hours left before the real thing begins. Housemanship is a tough training, and is definitely not meant for the weak-hearted. If we think that those 6-7years of medical training was hard enough, this will be a whole different level altogether. We've heard enough scary stories to prepare ourselves mentally and physically, but we can never really expect what will happen in the near future. Or how would we even cope. Because despite the many stories heard, in the end everyone's experiences will all be different as we would all handle our situations differently.

So the easiest conclusion is always the most basic of all, to put our trust in Allah and do our best. It will be a struggling two years but set the right intention and seek Allah's help: All, The. Time. That we can do what we mean to do, and trust that Allah's help is always on the way. Just ask. That's my motivation at the moment, for i can't really plan for anything else. 

Ilmu milik Allah. 

Skills pun milik Allah. 

Hati orang pun milik Allah. 

And hati kita pun milik Allah. 

So i'll do what i have to do, And leave everything else to The One who's always there for us. :) So do send me and my friends some doa for our new journey. 

That our intention in this field of work is always in the right path.

That our time and energy spent will be filled with barakah, most importantly.

That we will meet people -be it colleagues, seniors or patients- 

who will help us to be better beings.

That we won't lose ourselves in the middle of it all.

And that we'll go through all the little ups and downs safely 

insyaaAllah wa biizdnillah. :)

PTM group 8

Half of MRSM PC doctors
batch 05/06/07

and the truth is, Allah has already blessed us with an abundance of ni'mat even before we even started. Most of us got a place close enough to home, together with friends who we've known for forever. and now old friends are coming back together, and we even have new friends who are as awesome as the ones we already have. (note: there'll be another 65 people going into HRPZ II together with me tomorrow. heh) so it's pretty much unfair for me to complain of anything at the moment. nothing much i could say other than, Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. :)

before i end this rant, here's a doa i've been meaning to share for some time now. i've stumbled upon a section in the Quran a while back, it fits our moments of desperation perfectly i'd say. the time when you wished for everything but you just can't say it? and this doa somehow says it all and i loved every single bit of it. huhu. it is from a hadith:

Rasulullah s.a.w bersabda:

"Jika manusia menyimpan emas dan perak, maka simpankanlah kalimah-kalimah ini,

"Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku memohon ketetapan dalam menjalankan agama ini dan keteguhan dalam petunjuk.

Aku memohon kepadaMu agar aku dapat bersyukur terhadap nikmatMu.

Aku memohon kepadaMu agar dapat beribadah kepadaMu dengan sebaik-baiknya.

Aku memohon kepadaMu hati yang selamat dan lisan yang benar.

Aku memohon kepadaMu semua kebaikan yang Engkau ketahui.

Aku berlindung kepadaMu dari segala kejahatan yang Engkau ketahui.

Dan aku memohon keampunan kepadaMu dari segala dosa yang Engkau ketahui.

Sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Mengetahui semua yang ghaib".

[Hadis riwayat Ahmad]

Ameen ya Rabb. :)

good luck everyone. 

may the odds be ever in your favour. *wink*

25

I have now reached my 25th year of living, as if the title and the picture aren't making it any more obvious. =_="

Point aside, Alhamdulillah, for everything. :)

As the years add on, the celebration gets less fancier. Well, at least that's how it is in my life, according to my yearly birthday posts. heh. It's a quite one this year, no cakes, no surprises, just being contented that i am a 25-year-old lady still enjoying the comfort of a beautiful home with my two beloved parents, who if i may add, are in good health. And that, is a huge nikmat that i am very much thankful for.

my birthday conversation over breakfast:

parents: happy birthday sayang :)

me: thank you.

parents: yan nak apa tahun ni?

me: kasih sayang.

parents: ok. 

*********

Since i have nothing much to say about birthdays, i thought of sharing something that i learnt from a book. Instead of waiting for facebook notifications as my birthday approaches (as suggested by the witty Pika) i actually spent them trying to finish off the last few pages of the book that i have been reading: And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini.

For anyone who are intending to read it, i'll try my best to not spoil it for you. I've been reading the book for a few weeks actually. I often read a huge chunk of it, and then leaving it laying around for days before continuing on, hence, the longer time it took for me to finish it. Mind you, not being glued to it daily doesn't mean it's not a good book, cause now that i have finished it, it's now my favourite one, finally kicking The Time Traveller's Wife from my top spot.

Despite its awesomeness, and the countless heart-breaking moments that the stories left me with, i haven't cried at all while reading it, unlike all my other favourite books. So when i decided to finish the few pages that's left, i never expected any work coming from my tear-factory but oh boy, it did. A bucketload of them. And it's all just because of the few last paragraphs. How could a book broke your heart yet left you loving it? That's pure talent of Mr Khaled. *clap clap*

So why did i love the book so much? The stories in the book are of so many different characters who are intertwined with one another, and yet they live such different lives. And as i was reading it they all had one thing in common: 

they are all struggling. 

Against love, against family,

against work, against poverty, 

against greed, against goodwill etc. 

The ending was even confusing, it was really meant for the benefit of the readers, not the characters. Despite an ending that broke my heart (which also left a huge patch of tears on Mama's pillow *sorry mama*) somehow i am contented with it, because that's how reality is, how life is. 

It's not perfect. It's flawed, and it always will be. 

So unlike the world that we are living in at the moment, where people are always posting online their happy lives, and happy pictures; reality is far from reaching any perfection. So these little bits of life that are being shown to us and by us, are only what it is: bits. Often we are either blinding others with these bits or are the ones blinded by them. Hence forgetting a simple fact that all of us have our own struggles, big or small: sick families, broken relationships, a shitload of work, crazy clients, back-stabbing friends, harga minyak naik tengah2 malam *woops-slip-of-mouth*. The list goes on. And yet, we still love looking into others' happiness just to find some faults in our own, forgetting all the nikmat that Allah has bestowed upon us. 

So being reminded of things like this from a book, is actually quite refreshing. Making me less worried, and a little more hopeful for the things that i am facing at the moment: too much free time that's eating away what little is left of my brain-cells, jiwa kosong due to the lack of reminders, traumatizing over when will i start my work at the hospital and how scary it will be, parent's worrying (or was it me imagining things?) over my lack of potential suitors *heh nak jugak mention*. may i remind you, that these are just some small concerns that i'm willing to share. tip of the iceberg, so to speak. But I know for a fact that in someone else's point of view, perhaps my 'iceberg' won't even fit any of the 'struggling criteria' to even be called one, but who are we to compare? we all lead very different lives, hence the different ujian. Some need physical strength to face theirs, some mentally and others emotionally. we are in no place to judge what others are facing. what may be small to us, may be huge to others, and vice versa. 

In the end, i realized that i've only tasted a little bit of bitterness in life, but i know that there will definitely be more coming my way. Am i prepared for it? Wallahua'lam. I hope i am, with Allah's help and by Allah's will. After all, this short-life is only a test. Let's just hope we all ace it enough to have that beautiful shiny ending called Jannah. :)

and here's a huge reminder to keep us all going:

أَحَسِبَ النَّاسُ أَن يُتْرَكُوا أَن يَقُولُوا آمَنَّا وَهُمْ لَا يُفْتَنُونَ

"Apakah manusia itu mengira bahawa mereka dibiarkan (saja) mengatakan: 

"Kami telah beriman", sedang mereka tidak diuji lagi?"

[29:2]

cause life isn't life, without ujian.

Ps: i'd like to thank everyone for the lovely wishes and most importantly the du'a that you have been making, i pray that Allah accepts from me and you. Jazakumullahu khayr and Eid Mubarak peeps! :)

*yes. the parents love blinking at the exact same time the shutter clicks*
*cubaan pose remaja to deny my aging process*

*our EidulAdha this year*

Mind rant #25: A Jumble of Thoughts

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

It's been a while. A long while, i'd say. I plugged in my earphones and put the song of my blog on replay. I missed this feeling, really. Cause i would often write my thoughts with this particular music on. Life has been hectic. Alhamdulillah, we graduated on the 5th of June 2014. My whole big family arrived about a week prior to that, and I have been blessed enough to spend those 15days with them. And right after that it's packing time, and mind you, it ain't easy putting 5 years of girly stuff into a few boxes. So yes, life has been packed. As much as it is a blessing, for being able to do all this, for being able to end our 5 years in Dublin, we realized - i talked to Pika about this - that 'hectic' is a scary word. 

Cause we do find ourselves a little bit further from Him; 

a little less of the Quran, 

a little less of the rawatib, 

missed Tahajjud and so on. 

Astaghfirullah. It's not the best thing to share, i know. But it really did happened. :(

But now that the 'hectic'ness is almost over - we have packed all our stuff - we are only counting days before we leave Dublin for good. And we're planning on going down the memory lane for the last few days we have here, reminding ourselves of what has taken place in these 5 years that has somewhat built us as who we are today. :)

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Ramadhan

Ramadhan is now literally around the corner. i guess everyone is having that fluttering feel inside their tummy now. it's always a nervous feeling before Ramadhan. when the countdown begins i would always have that worry at the back of my mind, if i'm able to reach it? if the last Ramadhan was actually my last? but with those worries, come doa, right? so here's to praying that we are able to reach the days of Ramadhan with our loved ones and Muslims all around, and that we'd live throughout the holy month, and gain as much as we can from it, for it's Allah's Gift, for those who seek for Him, insyaAllah.

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Writing

And for the next few posts, i might just do a little bit of throwbacks here and there. Cause so much has gone through my mind, yet i wasn't able to write it down. I was blessed enough to do a lot of travelling over the weeks since i finished Med school, and with it, came many stories that was best to reflect upon. So here's to praying that i will write some good reminders soon, insyaAllah.

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Mothers

Too much blessings have been coming my way, that i did find my thoughts wandering off occasionally, when will the next ujian (test) that Allah may give me, cause we all know that life is only a test. But it did came. I got a call from my parents saying my beloved grandmother is quite sick at the moment. Going from bad to worse in only a day. So if anyone actually comes across this post, do send some prayers for her; semoga Allah panjangkan umur Che. semoga Allah ringankan sakit Che. I still have many days before i'm back home, i pray that Allah let me be with her like He always does. And that Che is able to see her granddaughter finally becoming a doctor like she always prayed for. :'( Ameen.

And today is Mama's birthday. I didn't even remember it during the phonecalls we had. A twist of fate isn't it? cause Mama's birthday is definitely a day to thank Che most importantly, for enduring everything to bring Mama to our world. May Allah eases everything for the both of them; both the ladies of my life. Ameen wa insyaAllah. :'(

Jazakumullahukhayr.

Mind rant #24: The Climb

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

mount Bray :)

For being able to write this post, i thank Allah s.w.t.

For being able to experience this, i thank Allah s.w.t.

For the chances that i had, the people that i encountered, i thank Allah s.w.t

For all the doa i have received, from known and unknown ones, 

Jazakumullahu khayr, only Allah is able to repay you back.

I am certainly sure that without these doa, i will never be where i am today.

Truly, Allah is the best planner of all.

This, perhaps will be one of my longest rants of all. But i just have to write it down, i need to write it down. I hope that it will somehow benefit or even inspire others, but most importantly it is to remind the future me, who will one day be at her lowest point in life, that once, Allah had blessed me with what i wanted, letting me reach the peak of a long and difficult climb. And to keep myself in gratitude, with what He has given me. InsyaAllah.

For truly with hardship comes ease.
Truly with hardship comes ease.

[94:5]

Again, i remind you that this is a very long rant. So i thank anyone who's willing to read this. And for those who're not that willing, i thank you anyway for still reading up to this point. And if you could do me a favour to scroll down to the very bottom, and pray for me and friends? Jazakumullahu khayr.

This, is a chapter of my life. So here goes;

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Professional Completion Module

We came back from our holidays/electives to start this last module of our 5-years of medical school. It will lasts for 10-weeks. And we all knew that time will fly, so so fast, and it really did! As scary as it had been though, we did enjoy ourselves in between. Listening to talks from the consultants about life as interns, they really do give you that boost of energy that you need. All the while trying to remind us to enjoy our last moments as students.

*here's us (with anak-anak Zainol) enjoying ourselves here and there. with ice creams and flowers*

Study groups

We weren't the best at sticking to study groups. We never really had any when we were in our pre-clinical years and even during our clinical years. Until we realized that finals are coming up so we really have to get our heads into this, or else we'll get left behind. So together with the anak-anak Zainol (pika and ika), we'd be studying everyday, going through whatever topics that we decided on. Ika's smallest bedroom is our main port. With ika at her desk, and I will be perched in the most backache-inducing position on ika's bed; with pika on the other end of the bed with her own unhealthy-posture. This was our routine.

Our little group is called the Flame and Moths, cause both me and ika will somehow do whatever that Pika asks. Hence, the theory, that she is the Flame that all Moths are attracted to. heh. Sometimes we even wondered if she possesses any black magic to lure us in. Hmm. And on weekends we'll head to the James Joyce Library, now back to our '3 Musketeers and a Zorro' (fitri hakim) group. And Akem will always ended up taking our pictures by the end of it. :P towards the remaining days, the girls (Suha and Ecah) came by and sleep at our house, to study together like we always do for the past exams we had :)

Sorry, i really don't want to forget all this, that's why i'm writing it all down. But here's the main point, the only way for you to ever get through med school, is by study groups.

Trust me. We're not meant to live alone. :)
and again i thank Allah for blessing me with them.

and this is Mr Zorro. one who'd take pretty pictures for the three of us,
who doesn't like pictures of himself, cause he does that kind of weird Zorro pose. :)

Final days

And as the final exam approaches, we all became much more vulnerable. And there's only really one solution to it: prayers. And night prayers (tahajjud) was the one that is most important that helped us through this. And trust me, it hasn't been easy. The very early Subuh here in Dublin made it even much harder to wake up for Qiam, and you cant really sleep early cause the Isya prayer is quite late. But we'd all be knocking on each other's doors or miscalling the other's handphones whenever we do wake up. Sometimes the knocks work. Sometimes it doesn't (and we'd be rolling like sushis inside our duvets huhu). But we tried our best to keep close to Allah s.w.t. InsyaAllah.

And i don't think i need to remind anyone about the importance of tahajjud at this point in time, we all know how special it is. The only problem is how hard we try to stick to it. So don't worry if we failed multiple times, the important thing is we tried and we keep on trying. :)

The du'a made in Tahajjud,

is like an arrow that doesn't miss its target.

[Imam Shafi'e]

yup, years worth of notes.
mine is the coloured one. Akem's is the cards.

The exams

Our finals consist of 2 exams, alhamdulillah. Because the school didn't want to jumble all things together, so we did most of the difficult part during our 4th year (medicine and surgery - with all the very difficult OSCEs and written exams) and in the first part of our final year (psych, GP, ObsGynae, Paeds). Many thought that us UCD students seem to get the easy way out. well, maybe. but we have always thought that we all did the exact same thing like others, it's just much earlier in our 4th year. So it seems like these two exams is nothing serious but they are pretty much as scary. And me and Suha ended up in the first group to start on Tuesday and Wednesday. While all the other malaysians start theirs on Wednesday and Thursday.

"If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then,
is an empty desk a sign?"  - Albert Einstein.
i take comfort with this quote. this is always how it looks like when i study. :)

The Viva. 

Wednesday, 29th April 2014.

I remembered that i wasn't able to focus anymore when i read. So i decided to watch this video by Nouman Ali Khan in the morning of the exam. The video was called "Praying for Success" (linked).  It was a 30 minutes khutbah, so as i was prepping myself for the exam, i could only listen to the first 12 minutes of it. And the thing that got stuck in my head was: 

"ask Allah for what you need to get through it."

Which really does make sense. Cause we can ask for whatever that we wanted, but perhaps that wouldn't be the things that will help us get through any of the hurdles that we are facing. So i was the second group to be called for the Viva exam, and i remembered feeling quite calm as i was waiting for my turn outside the room. Another guy was sitting beside me. I wished him luck, and then i closed my eyes for a good minute, mumbling this Doa over and over;

"ya Allah, grant me with what i need, You're the All-Knower." 

And then i was called. Bismillah :)

magically that day we wore the exact same colour! :)
and that's the book for Viva.

The Long Case exam. 

30th April 2014

So for anyone outside the medical field, this exam is basically a session where you'd be sent to a random patient, and you'd spent 45 minutes with him/her, taking down their history (whatever that they came in with) and examine them and organize all these jumbled information that you have to present it to two consultant-examiners for 15-20 minutes. You'd present the patient and his/her case, and give your thoughts on what the diagnosis might be with your reasons, things that may have been (the differential diagnosis) and your short-term and long-term management for it. And they can then ask you whatever they want, either about the case or nothing related to it at all.

So as you can see, that's why medical students would usually be the ones who'd desperately ask for prayers when they are in exams. Cause almost everything can go wrong in only an hour of the exam. Your patient can be uncooperative, you may not even understand a word they are saying for their thick accent, you may know what's wrong with them but you could not remember anything about the disease or its management, you could have the world's most scary consultants staring down at your stupid answers, and you could even get tongue-tied in the middle of it all.

But when i went for my exam that morning, instead of my initial plan to go early and revise for cranial nerves exam (cause i was beginning to feel like i know nothing!), i went to the St Vincent's Hospital's surau, and spent my time with Allah s.w.t. I poured everything out; the nervousness, my jitters, and my hopes. it was a relief. it's like i was letting go of my every worries; to leave the rest to Allah's Will. So after that i went straight to the hall that we have to wait in, and being Mr Ariff's daughter, i was certainly in the first group to start the exam straight away. So when i went to my patient, the most important thing that i bring in with me was my trust in Allah. For i have done my part, my revisions, my prayers, and now it's His Plans that i should believe in.

Tawakkal.

Mine was quite a straight-forward case except for the fact that i can't examine her stoma. But Allah helped me through it. And I was the first one to finish the exam at 9:15am, coming back to an empty hall. Subhanallah, Alhamdulillah, Allahuakbar.

right after i finished my Long Case. my expression is disproportionate to the agony i felt.

D-day: Doctor Day. 

1st May 2014

So both me and Suha was quite free that morning, while the rest of the Malaysians are heading for their long case exams. We had our good rest after our jitters, and like we planned, we walked for 40-minutes to Clonskeagh Mosque for the morning. We spent our time there, and i was reminded of my first long case exam in my Baby Res year (3rd year). Back then, I finished a day earlier, so i went to Clonskeagh Mosque for a 'date'. 2 years later and I am here for the same reason again, but with a partner this time. :)

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While at the mosque, a lady who was reciting the Quran since we arrived suddenly came up to us, she wanted to do her tasmi'. And she recited 2.5 pages of the Quran that she memorized this morning, MasyaAllah. So we asked her a bit on how she does it; she said it's been 4 years now. Her son is already a Hafiz at the age of 14. And she said to do it a page a time, especially after Fajr prayer. And she asked me a question; "are you married? -i shake my head obviously- well then, you have a lot of time to do it." Huhu, insyaAllah.

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We went back home, and by this time everyone have finished their exam. So basically what we were told was that if we failed any of the two exams, we will get "the email" that will tell us to come and redo the long case exam the next day. So that was what we were dreading. The promised email would come out at 6pm. So after our Zuhr prayer, we were in our telekung, and we were all reciting al-Quran, calming down our nerves. We wanted to revise a bit in case the inevitable happen but we couldn't focus. In the end at about 4pm, the jitters was starting to come in. Finally ika and Ecah came to join me and Suha in my room. We all talked about our cases, reassuring one another of all the wrong things we did as well as the wrong answers that we have blurted out. And then suddenly Pika came to the room with this ghastly look and said: "the email is out". And it was only 5pm.

And everything went by so fast. We all were checking our phones and after confirming that everyone passed all of us hugged each other and we were all crying. We did our sujud syukur and went to call our family as it was still 12 a.m. in Malaysia. And the rest, was history.

with suha at Clonskeagh.
and that was us skyping after the result.
*mata bengkak nangis semua*

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Looking back, so much have happened. And it has been a roller-coaster ride through it all. Suffice to say that I will cherish every moment that I have been through. We are all happy, alhamdulillah. But that night, after prayers, we all make du'a together for our past, our present, and our future;

For the desperation that we felt all the while, 

which had brought us down to our knees,

forehead down in sujud, sobbing into our prayers, 

seeking for none other but Allah's help; 

We prayed that that feeling will last, 
in our time of happiness and sadness.

For the new amanah that we have now as Doctors, 

we prayed that we will keep our promises that we say every so often;

That we wanted to be doctors not just to heal the bodies,

But to heal the souls, with Allah's help and by Allah's Will.

and to be doctors for the ummah and not just for ourselves,

carrying the responsibility of amar makruf nahi munkar with the trust.

For the last 5 years of being a medical student,

With all the lonesome rides, the agonies and the emotional turmoils,

The patients that we have seen and learn from;

The books that we have read, and the time we spent,
All the hard work as well as any of the lagha (forgetful)  moments;

We prayed that Allah forgive us for all the wrong-doings,

and accepted these 5 years as part of our amal ibadah. InsyaAllah.

Aamiin ya Rabb.

If anyone is still reading this post, then i hoped you'd say Aamiin for this doa.
It has been, a great climb.
Alhamdulillah, wa astaghfirullah.

That's it for my rants this time.

Thank You, ya Rabb. 

I can never thank You enough.
*crybucketloads*

Yours truly,

Dr Izyan Ariff

MB BCh BAO,

University College Dublin

2009-2014.

always am and always will be, another servant of Allah s.w.t. :)

Mind rant #23: Finals

it's surreal to think that my 7 years of studying is coming up to an end biidznillah (with Allah's Will); but it is! -with only a few weeks left down the road - and some friends are already starting their finals in a few days! heads up peeps!

but inevitably, our final exam acts as a reminder that another chapter of our lives is almost coming to an end, insyaAllah. and it might just be that phase of life that we'll miss most, one day. *potong bawang*. And seriously, it scares me to think of what and how will the next chapter unfolds, but i'm holding on to this one last page while it lasts. :)

doakan kami students Medicine,
dan maafkan segala salah silap kami;
for being forgetful, for being hurtful, for being just hampeh friends all this while *sobs*

may Allah Eases everyone's path, wherever we are insyaAllah.

it has been a long and challenging yet rewarding journey,

do pray that it ends beautifully please?

and always,

thank You Ya Rabb.

for always being there with us;

watching over us, every step of the way. :')

Usaha, Tawakkal dan Doa.

in Allah, we put our trust. :')

إِن يَنصُرْكُمُ اللَّهُ فَلَا غَالِبَ لَكُمْ وَإِن يَخْذُلْكُمْ فَمَن ذَا الَّذِي يَنصُرُكُم مِّن بَعْدِهِ وَعَلَى اللَّهِ فَلْيَتَوَكَّلِ الْمُؤْمِنُونَ

"Jika Allah menolong kamu, maka tak adalah orang yang dapat mengalahkan kamu; 

jika Allah membiarkan kamu (tidak memberi pertolongan), 

maka siapakah gerangan yang dapat menolong kamu (selain) dari Allah sesudah itu? 

Karena itu hendaklah kepada Allah saja orang-orang mukmin bertawakkal."

[3:160]

*time blur otak tepu start la layan meme ni*
ps: have you guys checked out TrollTarbawi?
pps: nak buku Inche Gabbana~~ sape kat Malaysia belikan hadiah please? :P

Mind rant #22: Changing Me

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

Assalamualaikum.

It's been a while hasn't it? I remembered how I used to promise myself that I just have to keep on writing and reminding, to keep my iman in check. But suffice to say I had too much holiday going on and classes haven't even started yet in this final leg of the race. (Yes, with Allah's will, supposedly I'm only 2 months away from being called a doctor. InsyaAllah. Pray for me and friends please?). Hence, I came with a somewhat solid conclusion of why writing has been extra hard this past 30 days: 

my lack of activity.

Like I said, I had a long holiday back home in Malaysia, spending most of my days at home doing nothing aside from being a faithful funny daughter (and bigger sister) to keep the house shining bright *cough*, but I wasn't able to do much of soul-searching stuff really. Yes, though the IKIM radio is kept on 24/7, and I did have serious talks with Abah or Mama now and then, something had gone amiss. Because I locked myself up in this comfort zone called home, I didn't really found anything or anyone to spark my self-reflect mode. Except perhaps the first 3 weeks i went back cause I was able to see people in the hospital. hence this post. 

And now despite the fact that I'm already physically in Dublin, classes hasn't even started yet. Well, truth be told we won't have much anyway since we're in our 'completion' mode. Most of our time would be filled with our own self-directed studying which I'm totally bad at. :( and thus, with this lack of activity, my time is spent with books and laptops/iPads and dramas (huhu) and I haven't seen other homosapiens that much yet. I can't wait for my sub-internship to start, really.

Anyhow, these all made me realise how important it is for us to live with others around us, because keeping to ourselves won't get us anywhere. I realised that most of the time, I will write down some random things in here because I have met someone or something that has triggered so many things inside of me: my thoughts, my perceptions, my emotions, my beliefs. And Alhamdulillah (all praises to Allah) these things are what had helped me to make whatever choices and decisions i have, to be a better hamba insyaAllah.

Talking about this somehow makes me see Medicine in a whole new light too. Which is the right boost for my finals insyaAllah. I don't think I can ever be someone who works with papers, computers or drawings; I need to see people. I need to meet people. Because seeing them changes who I am, little by little, for the better insyaAllah. So here's to hoping that I'll get to my dreams soon enough! And I humbly ask for your prayers for me and fellow friends who are on our way to DoctorHood. May Allah Ease. :)

And here's quoting a bestfriend of mine, Sang:

"Human being is the most complex system ever made.

The second one is the submarine."

I guess that's why I will forever be intertwining myself with other people, 

with the prayers that they will change me for the better, 

as much as I will for them.
InsyaAllah.
*..aaand cause huge machines going into the ocean is not my kind of thing.*

وَالْعَصْرِ

إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ

"Demi masa. Sesungguhnya manusia itu berada dalam kerugian.

kecuali orang-orang yang beriman dan mengerjakan amal saleh dan nasihat-menasihati supaya mentaati kebenaran dan nasihat-menasihati supaya menetapi kesabaran."

[surah 103]

Semoga kita bukan dalam kerugian.

Aamiin. :)