Who She Is

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

che was holding my hand the other day. so i decided to snap a picture:
me: Che, yan ambik gambar deh.
and she suddenly kept her hand still. heheh. cute :)

Che (my grandma) is recovering well these days. her glucose is well managed. she is no longer dehydrated. she eats well, drinks well. but the after-effect of her hyperglycaemic attack (high blood glucose) is quite obvious, she's quite disoriented and confused. very much worse than before.

she remembers people most of the time, her children and her grandchildren. but she cant remember what time of the day it is. sometimes she can't remember where she is. and lately when she is awake, she talks a lot about weird things. old memories resurfacing now and then. and we all tried our best to listen and converse with her as normally as we could; keeping in mind to treat her as our Che eventhough she is not quite herself. 

but no matter how confused she seems to be, there is always one thing that she would ask for;

to pray.

the first time she asked for it was during the first few days we brought her home. at that time she was still very much dehydrated and she was still infused with IV fluids. she can barely sit on her own. once, i helped my aunt to assist her praying. she was so weak, but she wanted to pray and had been asking for it over and over again. so we sit her down, while i supported her weight from behind. i can barely hear her recitals, so my aunt would recite al-Fatihah loudly for her to follow. and only 2 rakaat in, she had forgotten that she was praying and she wanted to sleep. T__T

now, with a little bit of her strength regained,
she asked to pray, many many times in a day.

sometimes, she'd asked to pray asar, whereas it was already nearing midnight.
sometimes, she would ask for water for her wudhu' (ablution), and right when we're bringing her water, 
she would suddenly think that she had already taken her wudhu' and wanted to continue praying.
sometimes, she thinks the qiblah is towards the South and sometimes, she wants it towards the East.
sometimes, she prayed 4 rakaat, sometimes she prayed only 1, sometimes none at all.
sometimes, she'd asked to pray again right after finishing one. 
and we had to assure her that she has already prayed.


seeing her like this, all of us in the family thought of the same thing;

it's who she is.
someone who always takes care of her solat.
that despite her being so confused and disorientated, that is what she worries most,
whether she had missed any of her solat or not.

eventhough it's not easy to do those things over and over again,
taking that big basin of water near her only for her to refuse it suddenly, 
having to pick her up and lie her back down etc.
i see that all of us family would do all those things for her still,
because that's what makes her who she is; 
our beloved Che.

praying that Allah strengthen everyone through this. truthfully, i feel so blessed to be a part of this big family. seeing aunty, kak an, sue, ayah di and everyone else fulfilling their responsibilities as a daughter, as a son, and even as a grandchild. i pray that Allah Bless them all. Aamiin. :)


in truth, we can care for our old parents; bathe them, feed them, change their diapers; 
just exactly like how they did it to us when we were small.
but they cared for us in order for us to live,
while we cared for them while waiting for their time to end;
and that, makes all the difference. 

"Dan Tuhanmu telah memerintahkan supaya kamu jangan menyembah selain Dia dan hendaklah kamu berbuat baik pada ibu bapamu dengan sebaik-baiknya. Jika salah seorang di antara keduanya atau kedua-duanya sampai berumur lanjut dalam pemeliharaanmu, maka sekali-kali janganlah kamu mengatakan kepada keduanya perkataan "ah" dan janganlah kamu membentak mereka dan ucapkanlah kepada mereka perkataan yang mulia. Dan rendahkanlah dirimu terhadap mereka berdua dengan penuh kesayangan dan ucapkanlah: "Wahai Tuhanku, kasihilah mereka keduanya, sebagaimana mereka berdua telah mendidik aku waktu kecil".
[17: 23-24]


Faith in Time

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ


i reached the hospital at about 11pm, i think. straight from the airport. Su (mama's sister) was waiting patiently at Che's bedside, surprising her with my sudden appearance. then i went to hold Che's hand. ah~ hati cucu mana tak hancur tengok nenek sakit. i dont even know the seriousness of the whole thing, and i put all my mere medical knowledge aside for the moment. because the patient on the bed is my beloved Che, it was enough to break my heart, seeing her so helpless. T__T 

and at the same time, i thank Allah. cause again, He Gave us Time.


it was supposed to be a secret between me, abah and mama; to come back home for the short winter break. another surprise project aiming at my siblings specifically, and my big family. and to recharge myself before the start of the new term. and so we planned it a while back. and i was already tricking kakak and abe, that i'll be sending them some stuff via a friend of mine in KLIA etc. the plan was going smoothly. they were not suspicious at all. my flight would be on Sunday morning, and so on Saturday, i went to the city to do some last minute shopping. buying baby stuff for my future nephew etc. i was happily strolling the Christmas-themed night in O'Connell street when i got the text message:

"Emergency. change of plan. Che sakit kuat. everybody is going home."

cause everybody, my parents and all my aunts and uncles, were in Kuala Lumpur for my cousin's wedding. so everybody drove back home straight away after receiving the news at midnight. abah and mama booked the first flight in the morning and left my sister back in KL to wait for me. everything seemed in a rush that night. i kept reading the updates in our family's whatsapp group. of how everybody was picking people up here and there to drive back to Kelantan. how they were all speeding through the highway. and there were nerve-wrecking moments too, when a text said that they were whispering Che syahadah etc. i didn't know what to feel. i guess everybody didn't know what to feel.


i went back home and perform solat hajat. i prayed hard that Che would be okay. that all my aunts, uncles and cousins will drive safely and reach Che in time. that even i will get to see Che too. well, those thoughts kept coming kan? somehow you ended up thinking of the worst scenario. there was definitely an aura of desperation from everybody. and every single minute seems more precious. hoping that they won't pass us by. and i was getting desperate too. and i kept having random thoughts too; how very close i was to coming home, and yet i can't do anything to make it pass by any faster. "so close, yet so far". somehow that rings true. 

but then it dawned back on me; that we should all have Faith in His Timing.
i thought even if Allah Decided for things to happen otherwise, then it's His Will. i can hope and pray for so many things, and yet we all have to have Faith in His Timing. cause in the end, apa-apa pun, Allah is the Best Planner for everything. and Allah always planned for things precisely at the moment that He wants to. never too late, and never too early. Faith in His Timing. repeating those words in my mind somehow calms me down in the end. 


and alhamdulillah. i am safely back in Malaysia now. and last night, even though Che is not alert,  i was still able to hold her cold hands, and kiss her pale cheeks. and that, in it's own, is a huge huge nikmat from Allah. 

semoga Allah permudahkan urusan.
semoga Allah ringankan sakit Che.
semoga Allah panjangkan umur Che sekiranya itu yang terbaik untuk Che.
semoga Allah kurniakan kesabaran and ketenangan to everyone involved.

tolong doakan? :)


my last conversation with Che last September before i head back to Dublin;

          Che: yan balik bila pulak?
          me:   taun depan kot Che. 
          Che: yan ada orang dah ke?
          me:   takde Che. boleh lah Che doa-doa yan dapat ustaz.  
          Che: Che doa sokmo. tak ustaz pun takpe. Che doa dapat orang beriman.
          me:   ok Che. Che kena sihat-sihat. yan nak Che jumpa dia. tegur dia baca Quran satu round. :P
         Che: *senyum*

somehow i still wish for it. :')


mind rant #11

have you ever felt those moments?

when you feel like you are lacking so much, it's scary.

when you feel that you might commit so much sins that you wish to stop it all and just die,
and yet you can't die knowing how much sins you have from before, 
and so dying seems to be not the best option after all.

confused if i am really giving out reminders, or if it all just part of a show?
scrolled down my facebook wall today, and looking at all those things i posted;
i feel like scoffing at each one of them. 

how much of those reminders am i actually doing?
how much of those quotes that i truly understand?
facebook is really only 1% of the real us.
well, at least for me it is.

i'm really tired of battling myself. :(

ya Allah, forgive our sins.
for our weaknesses, give us strength.

tolong doakan?
thank you.



How Ironic

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
A while back, in the earlier days of the recent attack on Gaza, we see so many people (ourselves included) who started to use facebook as a medium to raise awareness with regards to the issue. Alhamdulillah, it worked well. people started reading up on it, flaring up semangat yang semakin pudar, and we all started intensifying our doa for our brothers and sisters.

but as always, not everyone find it easy to understand what was happening. and this was proven true when a random 'screen-capture' was shared by so many people in facebook; showing a random Malaysian kid writing a status in his facebook, which more or less goes like this;

"apahal semua orang nak kecoh pasal Gaza? 
negara kita dah aman, buat apa nak sibuk pasal negara orang?"

which in fairness i think is something to be expected. different backgrounds will definitely bring up different reactions and understanding to the issue; that to me, is something that we should all acknowledge whenever we find someone who looks rather oblivious or negligent to what was happening.

so i guess with that principle in mind, i find that i wasn't angered with the kid's status, nor the line up of people heading to McD when they decided to give that free burgers for breakfast. because in my belief, if these people know enough about what was happening in Gaza, if they truly understand their sufferings, if they have seen all the videos that we have seen, read all the things that we have read, and have been told all the things that we have come to know of, i totally believe that these people will have enough conscience and humanity in them, to not post those kinds of statements, and will definitely stop buying McD, or any Israel products that they think they can avoid, and do anything that they can to show their solidarity with the Palestinians.

that is my take on it.

but what poked my conscience most, was the people who decided to share this kid's status, and we see so many kinds of replies below it. some were true, but most, sadly; range from hateful words to calling this kid with so many names like; (sorry for being blunt)

bab*, anjing, anak haram, tentera israel, laknatullah 
well, you get the gist of how foul the Malay mouths can be.

i pray Allah forgive us with all those things that we have said, unintentionally or not.

how ironic it is.
we all are showing our support to Gaza, that these kinds of ignorant statements by seemingly ignorant individuals angered us so much. but instead of handling it the way Islam taught us to, we ended up being just another oblivious human being. perhaps, just as oblivious as the person that we are condemning; by slashing him in the public eye, and choosing to be just another fouled-mouth Malay. 

that kid may be ignorant to what was happening in Gaza, that he wrote such comments. but this can be easily undone, say if someone tells him what was really happening, how those little Palestinian kids were killed, how long they have been occupied, when did this all started etc. or even show him a few of those millions of clips of the Occupation of Palestine. like i mentioned before, anyone who reads enough about Palestine, and know  enough about it, will definitely find within themselves enough humanity; to not be as ignorant as before.

but from what we can see, things turned out rather differently.

and so i wondered if we really do understand what all these Palestinians and the Gaza people are fighting for in the first place? they are protecting what Allah wants us to protect. and the same goes for us. in our spirit to fight with the people of Gaza, we should also realize that all the other things go hand-in-hand, it's not just about protecting Masjidil Aqsa, it's about protecting Islam as a whole.

menjaga akhlak
adab dalam berhujah
cara menasihati orang lain
cara menerima kutukan orang lain
the list goes on.

it's frustrating really, to see so many people who don't understand the fight that is going on. 
because this fight is not just another country's fight, it's a fight for our brothers and sisters. 

but it's also frustrating, to see so many people who fail to uphold Islamic beliefs and virtues, 
while we are claiming that we are fighting for Islam.

we say that those Palestinians are our brothers and sisters who need our help; 
but our brothers and sisters closer to us need our help too;
to know more about what's happening to Palestine (and Islam), 
and to know more about Islam.


going back to the incident, i beg everyone to think a little more deeply about it. if that kid says such thing out of ignorance, will it make him any less so, when he sees so many 'islamic' people who are calling him pigs and dogs and shi*? i seriously, serioouslyy, serrriouslyyyyy doubt it.

and that
is how ironic, we all can be.

ending my post with a reminder of the etiquette of debating;

“I never talked with someone but sincerely wished that Allah guard him, 
protect him from sin and misdeed, and guide him; 
and I never debated with someone 
but sincerely wished that we would come upon truth, 
regardless of whether he or I should be the one to think of it first.”
[Imam Ash-Shaafi`i]

jauhnya beza kita dengan mereka. T__T
* a lot more to be done*

ps: and the same thing is happening again with the weird statements by an ustaz who said there is no jihad in palestine. yes, his views are different, but it doesn't warrant us to label him this and that. hadoih..


Too Much

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ


sometimes we want something so much, that we don't think much of anything else.
we disregard all the 'what if's'.

what if it won't be mine?
what if it gets stolen?
what if i lose it?

and then it happened.
when we really can't have it.
what happens next?


i'm seeing so much of these around me;
that i think i've been really cautious not to fall into the same trap.
because every time i hear the whines they make just because they don't get something that they want,
it makes me feel so tired inside.

and don't we all feel the same?
and yet, don't we all do the same?

why do we humans like to agonize over something that we don't have?
day-dreaming of things so far ahead of us, sometimes even beyond our reach?
wanting things too much, that we burden ourselves, inflicting unnecessary pain on oneself just to have them.

Wordly things.
they consist of many; and it's not just those bags, the jobs, the cars, and the house.
Love is also one of them; Love which doesn't make you any closer to Allah.


we all have a problem, really.
we want the things that we don't have, too much.
and we forget the things that we already have, too fast.

as always, reminder to self, first and foremost.
jom tadah tangan:

Ya Rabb,
berikanlah kami ilham untuk tetap mensyukuri nikmat-Mu 
yang Engkau anugerahkan kepada kami.


“Jika kamu menghitung-menghitung nikmat Allah, 
nescaya kamu tidak akan dapat menentukan jumlahnya (menghitungnya). 
Sesungguhnya Allah benar-benar Maha Pengampun Lagi Maha Penyayang.”


#Gaza: Dare to Stare

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ


we had our final exams today. 2 papers. surgery and medicine part I. sometimes i wondered at how we are questioned about the accumulated knowledge of 12 weeks in just a piece of paper? not to say that i have a lot of knowledge to offer; but sometimes i wish knowledge (ilmu) can be gained according to our own pace. when we learn because we want to learn. when we read because we want to know. when we practice because we want to perfect a skill.  and not because of exams, scholarship or any other pressure. 

~sigh~ finding myself lost time and time again. praying He Guides.

anyways; i came back home and the newsfeed in facebook were filled with so many updates already on Gaza. Allahu Allah. Jannah is being filled yet again with more martyrs.



everyone will have that prick of jealousy inside whenever we see them, kan?  the fact that they are the chosen ones picked by Allah s.w.t, to die in His Path. ones who died protecting a very holy land. ones who'd wake up everyday to die a martyr. 

sometimes i wondered, if we were in their place, would our aims be as noble as them? would we aim for "syahid" as much as they were? or would it be like how we are now, praying for syahid in the daily Mathurat du'a that we recite. never really feeling in depth, of how noble this ending of life is. never really truly wanting it, despite the recitations being at the tip of our tongues again and again, every. single. day. =,=''

and in my humble opinion, Allah Grant them syahid because everyday they would wake up and do something that we all find ourselves not able to do so: to stare at Death straight in the eye. because the threat of Death, looms everywhere in Gaza;

when they take a step out of their home,
when they are walking down the street for a slice of bread for the family,
when they are heading for the mosque to pray Subuh, Zuhur, Asar, Maghrib and Isyak,
heck, they can die even if they are in their house, what with the bombings from those damned Zionists.

so remind ourselves again, of who they are and what they do that Allah Grant them those places in Jannah. 
them; who Dare to Stare.

and us. how can we dare to stare at Death, 
when we are looking at Dunia with those googly eyes still?

Allahu Allah.
we have to pick up the courage to stare at Death in the eyes,
but i guess it starts with turning our eyes away from Dunia first shall we?
because inevitably Dunia is just a place we pass through, 
and the final stop is always Jannah.
we just need to remind ourselves to keep our head straight.
InsyaAllah wa Aamiin. 

ps: even if we are scared of Death,
the fact of the matter is, Death is staring at us at every blink of the eye.

as always, reminder to self first and foremost.


“Sentiasa akan ada sekelompok dari umatku 
yang sentiasa berjuang bersama-sama kebenaran, 
mencabar dan menentang musuh-musuh mereka. 
Musuh-musuh mereka tidak dapat memberi mudarat kepada mereka 
sehingga Allah mendatangkan keputusannya.
Mereka tetap dalam keadaan demikian.” 
Maka para sahabat bertanya,”Dimanakah mereka?”
Jawab Rasulullah.” Di Baitul Maqdis dan sekitarnya”

[Riwayat Bukhari]


Dear Pillow

i think i was 6 years old at that time. it was in the evening when Abah came by and asked me to "pijak belakang Abah." i was dutifully doing it when i saw kakak and abe heading out to play with the other kids outside. i don't play around the kampung much, because i was a timid little girl. but before kakak and abe head for boarding schools, i would follow them when they played around the neighbourhood. 

so i was psyched when they went out, and carefully i asked Abah; "yan nak tubik main boleh?" (can i go out and play?); abah who was oblivious to all this, said no. cause i've only started the 'pijak belakang' session. i remembered how i was so frustrated, and sad, and angry at Abah. it felt unfair. T,T 

but instead of stomping on abah's back (that would have been evil and funny), i continued stepping on his back up and down, all the while crying silently. i was so angry at Abah, but i know that i can't be angry at my dad, and tears were all that came out. but finally Abah realized what happened, and wiped my tears and let me off to play. :)

as the years went by, this habit of mine remains. when someone is being harsh at me,  i'd cry. when i'm frustrated at something i'd cry. when i hate something i'd cry. when i'm angry at someone i would definitely cry. most of my emotions are expressed with tears. it's a weird disorder really. 

and at 23, a wider range of emotions are felt, and most of them would still end with tears. =,='' same old, same old. nothing's change much, except that i don't have Abah or Mama near me as always to wipe them tears off. *sobs*

growing up is hard.

dear Pillow,
sorry for all the tears. 


to future yan;
toughen up a bit will you? :')

وَأَنَّهُ هُوَ أَضْحَكَ وَأَبْكَىٰ

Dan bahawa sesungguhnya, Dia lah yang menyebabkan 
(seseorang itu bergembira) tertawa, dan menyebabkan 
(seseorang itu berdukacita) menangis

*Allah Knows Best*



the Gaza strip is being attacked again. they say it stems up from an attack from Palestine to the Occupier's  side which killed 3 people (i'm not sure if it's soldiers or civillians). but as always, they would do a disproportional-counter-attack back to Palestine. it's pretty much the same story; look it up. i'm too annoyed to explain it all in here. 

but as always, it amazes me seeing the same replies by our brothers and sisters. 
"kill as much as you want, we will never go down." 

i don't really worry about them, truthfully. because i know they all can make it through. they have been through it for so long, it doesn't make any difference. with each attack, it only makes them stronger. nobody can deny this. it's myself that i'm worried of. and i guess there are quite a bunch of people just like me out there;

who's hatred towards this injustice is felt;
only at times.
who makes tearful desperate Doa for the Palestinians; 
only at times.
who hates them Occupiers so much it feels like the gut will just burst;
only at times;

instead of ALL THE TIME.

Allahu Allah.
i hope they will forgive us.
i hope Allah will Forgive us.
because, we often forget. 

continue with our Doa peeps.
it's all about injustice,
but we all know that things will be paid off perfectly in the end;
by Allah Maha Adil.


"Tidak beriman salah seorang diantara kamu 
hingga dia mencintai saudaranya sebagaimana dia mencintai dirinya sendiri."
(Riwayat Bukhari dan Muslim)


mind rant #10

sekejap takut.
sekejap tenang.
sekejap kalut.
sekejap tak kisah.
sekejap gembira.
sekejap murung.

sekejap cuma.

they never lasts.


was drowning myself in notes, when this song started playing from my 'Study Playlist'.
i stopped. 
wishing that i'm at a beach somewhere listening to this.
with no one else but Him. 

if only. :)

pray for me and friends out here.
semoga ilmu diberkati.
semoga masa diberkati.
semoga usaha diberkati.

and here is one of my faves for the night:

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

Ya Allah, janganlah Engkau biarkan nasib kami ditentukan diri kami sendiri, 
walau sekadar sekelip mata
atau sekadar masa yang lebih pendek dari itu.



A Simple Life


Question:  A 78-year-old lady fell. Complaining of wrist pain and hip pain. what's my initial management? 

hmm..take a break kejap. i'll deal with you later ye Nenek? :)


بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

I love Fridays. Friday is always a good day for everyone. coming back home from the hospital with a very light heart; despite having to cycle in the cold winter night, showers of rain drenching me from top to bottom. no sir, it's definitely not difficult at all. because it's Friday. and tomorrow is the weekend. all is well. i will savor every moment; and the rain and freezing wind are not stopping the smile on my face as i cycled my way back to the comfort of home.

I love Fridays. because when i'm home, i'd usually do all the simple things that i couldn't really do during the weekdays. going to the kitchen, instead of eating to fill my tummy just for the sake of keeping it from grumbling, i'd spent a little more time with the cooking. i'd be able to do my laundry happily. lipat kain while listening to my favourite songs. plucking the guitar a bit for a good 10 minutes. vacuuming my room, and even the friend's room next door just because i have the time! life is bliss~~

I love Fridays. for being able to do all those stuff, care-free. and strangely i will always have the same thoughts when i'm doing all these, if only life was this simple. if only this is all i should worry about everyday. fulfilling some basic needs. cooking food. cleaning the house. doing the laundry.


i guess, once, people used to live like this. zaman atok-atok and nenek-nenek kita. Mama would sometimes tell me the stories of her grandmother. arwah Mok (that was what she was called, if i'm not mistaken). she was one very faithful wife. a typical classic gadis-Melayu zaman dahulu whenever i imagined it. arwah Mok was married to a very high-tempered man. yet, despite him being all scary at times, arwah Mok would always stay by his side quietly; and that somehow calms him down. and she was one who'd prepare food and wait by his side till he finished eating. and this is just one of those stories of the many atok-atok and nenek-nenek back then. 

similar stories came from both my late grand-dads too. where the men of the family, would have jobs that need them to travel here and there, and so the women of the family stays home with the children. making sure they eat well, never missed a prayer, go to Quran classes, and study hard. when the Atok came back home, the Nenek will focus more on Atok for a while. making sure he eats well, rest well, before he heads off for his job again. :)

comel kan?

if only we have this modest life. where albeit the simplicity, responsibilities towards the family are still fulfilled. and responsibilities as His Hamba are also fulfilled; the man would still learn about the Deen at the local masjid, whereas women at home would teach the children how to pray, how to fast, how to read the Quran etc.


but that was then. this is now. where the world has become much more scarier than before. where jahiliyyah is being organized in the best of ways, to seep through our minds and our hearts ever so subtly without us even realizing it. Ghazwul Fikr as many would call it; which means "Serangan Pemikiran". i'm no expert at explaining this, but i know enough that this is what is taking place right now. 

and i guess that simple life that i sometimes wish for is not the best option for today's society. when everyone around us, most if not all, are no longer with Islam despite claiming ourselves as Muslim. We call Islam as our 'way of life' every so often, but we never really adhere to it's rules in our lives. when our thoughts and actions are no longer aligned to what is right in Allah's Sight, but what is accepted by the society. and sadly, looking around, we are definitely not living in the best of society. =,='' and what's worse, we can easily fall into the trap too. naudzubillah.

we are living in a war really. chosen ones are facing more real wars like the ones in Palestine, in Gaza, in Syria, in Burma etc. but we are facing our own kinds of wars. war against the deteriorating society, war against the people who are calling others away from our Deen, war against the Syaitoon who will never stop till the Day of Judgement, and most importantly a war against ourselves. from our own nafs. from our own ill-hearts. 

so simple life, i guess i will keep you as one of my dreams for now.
i'm sure that simple life will come one day, if Allah Wills it; 
if it's not in this lifetime,
i pray that it comes in the HereAfter.
which is definitely in Sorga Kekal Abadi :)


back to striving to be a doctor now, yan. at least it's one of the many ways to reach out for the ummah. so Puan Nenek with wrist and hip pain, i think i'd start with the ABC first; airway, breathing and circulation alright? *wink*


mohon doa.
to me, to you, to everyone.
that whatever the path that we are taking,
no matter how difficult it is, it is done Lillahi Taala;
and let's aim for Jannah shall we? 

“Berangkatlah kamu baik dalam keadaan merasa ringan atau berat. 
Dan berjihadlah dengan harta dan dirimu di jalan Allah.” 
(At-Taubah: 41)

*as always, easier said than done.*
yours truly, 
a very, very, very hampeh girl. :(


mind rant #9

this will be a real one. i'll let words flow out of my congested brain.

**Demi Masa**
it's amazing how time is just another 'makhluk'. something that lives, something that exists with us. and it has never yet change it's ultimate purpose; which is to leave us behind. to never wait nor stop. and we, the one at fault, will always find ourselves chasing time. Allahu Allah. letih. i've always ended up with the same conclusion over and over again. "i wish i had more time."

to call abah and mama. 
to make a decision. 
to study hard. 
to read the Quran. 
to choose wisely. 
to blog and to remind! 
to do something i enjoy.
to do anything i want, for as long as i want.
without the guilt. without the pressure.

but that's not how Time works. and it's scary really. to think that we are accountable for all the time spent. and for all the time wasted. if we think of it that way then maybe having a lot of time is not such a good thing huh?

i find it very interesting, that Allah put me in a state of uncertainty, and yet, throws so many certain things my way; knowing that i can never really choose them. 

they say that for every situations that Allah put us in, it is because Allah wants to build our akhlak inside. i was initially wondering what Allah wanted to 'plant' in me. then finally the answer came, it was sabar.  and i guess when this uncertainty ends, it will definitely change to something else later on. oh well, i just hope i reach His Expectations. semoga menjadi hamba yang lebih sabar. Aamiin. :)

we all know that the ultimate aim in life is to seek His Redha. we all are seekers of His Redha. and interestingly, one of the path involves us doing the same thing; redha dengan ketetapan Allah. and how do this actually works? some said it's when we accept whatever our fates are. menerima Qada' dan Qadar. 

and looking around me, i guess i'm learning a thing or two about this;
that Redha is not just through words; "Aku Redha."
it's when our amal and our hearts are. 

gembira; friends are graduating kiri dan kanan; and thus those wedding invitations are following closely behind. it's that time of the year again :) Alhamdulillah~ (and oh, sedikit jealous.heheh)
but as the common saying goes: "grass is always greener on the other side."

dan akhirnya saya bimbang;
seeing others being caught up with friends who are getting married. when they are no longer seeing things beyond. moping around that they are not married, while others are. and seeing marriage as just another solution for a problem that we have; of being lonely and takut jadi andartu. hadoy. =,=''
focusing on marriage as if it's the only source of Chenta in this world;

marriage is not a solution,
it's a responsibility.

menjadi isteri yang taat; 
rather simply said, but definitely not an easy task.
we all are ready for the white weddings, the bouquets, the hantaran, the flower girls etc.
but are we really ready for all the other things?

the small bickering in the future;
the smelly clothes he threw your way;
the broken kitchen sink that is still not fixed;
the day that he forgot your own anniversary;
the day you're so sad you just want a hug, and all he does is watch football.

how sure are we that we can handle all these in the most appropriate-'isteri-yang-taat' way?
tepuk dada, tanya iman. :)

it's the best feeling in the world. knowing that there is Allah;
who listens to every word you say;
who understand every feelings you feel;
who can solve every single problems that you have;
who Knows what is best for you, and what is not.

tak cukup lagi kah?

end of mind rant.
reminders to self first and foremost insyaAllah.
ps: i've been busy. :P
mohon doa. that Allah Eases my path.
jazakumullah~ :)


of Plastics, Pain, and Prayers.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ


last week, i've been attached to the Plastic Surgery team back in Vincent't Hospital. and like all the other surgery rotations that we are in, we sort of need to get the Consultant's signature before the end of the 5-days rotation we have with the team. after occasionally tagging along with the team, me and my team-mates decided to get the signature on Thursday. 

our plan? we would have an hour of hand-teaching (basically just one of the Reg giving a presentation on case studies about hand surgeries). and we decided to follow one of the consultant's clinic which might take about 2 hours or so, get the signature, and off to study on our own! 

so the whole morning, we were divided into 2's and 3's, we took the patients in, took their histories on our own (basically asking them questions related to what brings them in to the hospital etc), examine them, and then present those cases to the consultant, and follow him again to meet the patient and listen to how the management for those patients work. 

all was going well and our tummies were all making weird noises as it was nearing lunch-break. we were giddy to get it all over and done with, until we got the bummer news; the Consultant just left. and thus, we all had to come down to the 2nd Consultant's clinic session that afternoon. and amazingly, the same thing happened again. the Consultant went to the theater when the clinic was about to finish. so we all went through the final Consultant's outpatient session, only to have him left us at the last minutes as well. hadoy. so the plan didn't work, and we all waited for the kind Registrar to sign us off instead.


my take on this? Allah sure does wants to get our intention right no? i realized that my aim that day was solely to get the signature, that i guess He might just want to clean it off. heh. hambek kau 8.00am-3.30pm clinic straight!! i guess that's why they say we have to always renew our intentions. it easily changes from time to time, turning the things that we do into pure useless things, instead of an ibadah

rather simple to say, but hard to do, kan?


but most importantly, there was something that i gained in the whole hours i spent in the clinics that day. i get to see so many different patients, coming in with so many reasons (plastic based though). some had mastectomy due to breast cancer, some had skin cancer on their nose and the list goes on. when you talk to them, you just cant deny that behind all those spoken words, they are all scared. or they have been scared for the ordeals that they were in; and still are.

not being able to use their hands. they cant work. they have to turn down jobs.
they've just finished a surgery, and they are very much in pain after running out of meds,
yet they don't know which painkillers can they take?
their fingers are swelling up, and it's starting to get painful, 
and now they know that the only option is cutting them off. 

and there i was, just a medical student listening to all of them, writing things down, as if they are all part of the things i read from the medical books. but no, it's different. these are the real people. those who have to live with the things that i read. and unlike me, who can just flip the pages and forget about the pain, the bleeding, or the amputations; they can't. the pain are still there. the bleeding is not stopping. they have to live with their physical limitation. 

every other moment, when i was sitting behind the doctor, and listening to them talking to the patients, or even when i am talking to the patients, there are a lot of things i wish i could say to them. 

Ni ujian dari Allah.
InsyaAllah Dia permudahkan.
Allah ada.

but ottoke (what can i do)? they are not Muslims. and i am just a Malaysian medical student, standing there behind those doctors. so i am left with the only thing that i can do then, to make Dua. praying that with every ordeal that Allah gave them, would somehow lead them a little bit closer to the biggest nikmat that we all have; hidayah dari Allah s.w.t. may their hearts be opened; to nikmat Iman; nikmat Islam. nikmat of knowing that we have Allah by our side. 

so thank you Plastics rotation, even if i still have a lot to read about Plastics and those 5-days is definitely not enough, i definitely learn one thing. for every pain that i see in others, i will definitely make Du'a for them. biidznillah, this is my promise. 

Imam An Nawawi menyatakan dalam Al Adzkar (hal. 511), *linked*
"Akan tetapi dibolehkan berdoa untuknya (orang kafir), 
agar memperoleh hidayah, 
kesihatan badan, dan afiyat, 
atau sejenisnya."


puting everything to a halt for now. 
only to know that by the end of this, i need to choose, and make a decision.
funny how things always come when you don't want them to. 
i guess that's why it's called Tarbiyyah.
you will learn a thing or two. definitely.
*heads up yan!*


my cutie pie

before i came back to Dublin the other day;
i was flipping through her album when she was small;
and i realized  that for a baby girl, she sure does smile a whole lot! 
showing her jagged teeth that we used to call 'popcorn' hahah :)

today she's already 16.
*time flies*

grow up beautifully sayang.
be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend;
a good muslimah.
you're always in kak yan's doa.
ps: and you'll always be our Baby Lin.

*big bearly hugs and wet drooling kisses mwahaha*


Expecting Perfection

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

disclaimer: i've been meaning to write about this the last few weeks, but i've lost my 'feel' to write. huhu~ but i'll make it work tonight. *wink*

Expectation is the root of all heartache. 
William Shakespeare

Expectant. not the preggy beautiful mommies; i'm referring to us. those who are always expectant for anything that we're facing in our daily lives, from the smallest of things, to the biggest of issues. we, sadly enough, expect too much from others.

expecting that pakcik canteen to give us extra food.
expecting our team-mates to cooperate with us.
expecting friends to be there for us exactly when we need them.
expecting people to treat us nicely at all times.
expecting to be loved back by someone we love.
expecting relationships to last forever and ever and ever.
expecting him to be romantic all the time.
expecting that we will be beautifully skinny with our latest diet plan.
expecting that we would ace those papers with our studies.

expecting perfection. 

is being expectant wrong? no, i'm not saying it is, because being expectant does leads you to achieve some things in life. for example, you would expect that by doing things this way and that way, you would most probably reach your goal. nothing really is an issue here. it's a normal thing.

it's being expectant to others, that is; at least in my humble opinion; the real source of the problems that we have nowadays. so many people are expecting too much from others, that they ended up being hurt, sad, depressed, frustrated, tension bagai nak rak, whenever those expectations failed. why? because for each expectations we put on others, we would rarely make room for any failure. unlike those expectations that we put on ourselves. sungguh tak adil kan?

and thus, here's my two-cents for the day; that we should all train ourselves not to expect too much from others; because everybody and everything has their imperfections. things are always bound to not work like how we want it to. so give others and ourselves a break; from all those unnecessary expectations, unnecessary pressure, and unnecessary broken hearts. work things out as much as you can, according to Allah's Rules; and yet don't expect that things will end up beautifully just because you are already doing them acoording to Allah's way, because in the end, things will always work out according to His Plans; and it's always the best possible way. insyaAllah.

accept that we are just an Imperfect Being,
who should stop expecting Perfection from others.

and the most important reminder of all;

Dialah Allah Yang Maha Esa, Allah adalah 
(Penguasa Yang Maha Sempurna 
dan bergantung kepada-Nya segala sesuatu)”


23: the Receiving End

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

it's just another post bercerita. hope it benefits, one way or another :)

i can't deny that being able to read back on old posts of my birthdays somewhat is a blessing. cause i get to see and read back on what i have done, what i have received, and what my thoughts were back then. Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah. it's another year gone by for me; my 23rd year of living. but only a few years of truly knowing what life is about. so i guess i still have a long list of things i need to make up to, within Allah-Knows how much years i have left. (or hours/minutes/seconds?? huhu)

so as always, i'd find myself reading back my old posts i've written on my birthdays; some made me cringed. *i can be cheesy at times.heh* but in all 3 of them (i started this blog when i was 19), one thing i found in common, is that for every single birthday i had, it has always started with me being at the receiving end. 

and thus, this is what pushes me to do things a little differently this year. instead of the usual pura-pura-tak-tahu-dalam-bilik-and-tunggu-depan-facebook-sengih-tengok-well-wishes-pastu-pukul-12am-surely-housemates-masuk-bilik-bawak-cake-nyanyi-birthday, (which is something that still makes you smile from ear-to-ear no matter how typical it is.hehe) ; i wanted to start if off differently this year. hehe :) and so, i thought of starting off my special day with not being in the receiving end; which Alhamdulillah proves to make me happy just as much as the surprises i've had all the years before. 

*4 hours+ pulun kat dapuq. mwahaha. puas hati ku!*

lepas kenyang perut suka hati, it was way past midnight when i was back in my room. and i think it was the best time to pour my heart out with the start of my Day :)

thank You.
for the 23 years of living
for the 23 years of nikmat.
for the 23 years of happiness.

23 years of living; semoga dipanjangkan lagi in this road seeking for His Redha.
23 years of nikmat; semoga menjadi hamba yang lebih bersyukur.
23 years of wrongdoings; semoga diampunkan dosa-dosa, small or big, intentional or not.
23 years of ilmu; semoga diberkati, dan mampu tambahkan amal dan iman.
23 years have passed; how many are left? 
i dont know, but make the ones left as the ones that i am closest to You.
Aamiin ya Rabb.
(tolong Aamiinkan please?)

with بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ
i want to start my new 'age' with some promises to make (and keep insyaAllah!);
 to be Hopeful; that He Grants me the best things in life; because He Knows, and i know not.
to be Happy; with whatever comes my way, because all things happen for a reason.
to be Thankful; of all things that i have gained in life, and stop looking at things i don't have.
to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good partner;
all in all; a good Muslimah; 
something that everybody wants kan?

and this prayer goes out to everyone else too insyaAllah.
may He Ease, this road that we all take, which is to go back to our Home, Jannah;
and to be able to meet our Creator. Aamiin :)


ps. and more pictures to remind me of another awesome birthday i've had with beautiful people.

had an early Bulatan Gembira with lastnight's dishes. and off to the City for Lunch! :)

omnomnom. all de produzt eez available at Queen of Tarts,
area Nyonya, depan Dublin Castle, Dublin. :)
i chose pancake. not really good with making choices ;)

filling myself with sweet stuff.huhu~
gifts and cards: and yes, they gave me one that says: to my Lovely Wife. *hadoy*
lastly. meet Mr Bubu!! i fell in love seeing it last year.
and finally a year later, Ika and Pika bought it for me!! hehehe :P
ps: i realized now that it's a frog. but im puting that fact aside and will sleep with it everynight still.

Alhamdulillah. for another beautiful day.
ending this with a beautiful quote:

Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. 
We don't love to be loved; we love to love. 
Leo Buscaglia

Stop expecting. start Giving.
yours truly;
Birthday Girl. ;)
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