Dear Pillow

i think i was 6 years old at that time. it was in the evening when Abah came by and asked me to "pijak belakang Abah." i was dutifully doing it when i saw kakak and abe heading out to play with the other kids outside. i don't play around the kampung much, because i was a timid little girl. but before kakak and abe head for boarding schools, i would follow them when they played around the neighbourhood. 

so i was psyched when they went out, and carefully i asked Abah; "yan nak tubik main boleh?" (can i go out and play?); abah who was oblivious to all this, said no. cause i've only started the 'pijak belakang' session. i remembered how i was so frustrated, and sad, and angry at Abah. it felt unfair. T,T 

but instead of stomping on abah's back (that would have been evil and funny), i continued stepping on his back up and down, all the while crying silently. i was so angry at Abah, but i know that i can't be angry at my dad, and tears were all that came out. but finally Abah realized what happened, and wiped my tears and let me off to play. :)

as the years went by, this habit of mine remains. when someone is being harsh at me,  i'd cry. when i'm frustrated at something i'd cry. when i hate something i'd cry. when i'm angry at someone i would definitely cry. most of my emotions are expressed with tears. it's a weird disorder really. 

and at 23, a wider range of emotions are felt, and most of them would still end with tears. =,='' same old, same old. nothing's change much, except that i don't have Abah or Mama near me as always to wipe them tears off. *sobs*

growing up is hard.

dear Pillow,
sorry for all the tears. 


to future yan;
toughen up a bit will you? :')

وَأَنَّهُ هُوَ أَضْحَكَ وَأَبْكَىٰ

Dan bahawa sesungguhnya, Dia lah yang menyebabkan 
(seseorang itu bergembira) tertawa, dan menyebabkan 
(seseorang itu berdukacita) menangis

*Allah Knows Best*


Anonymous said...

Yan, i do that too, sometimes. When i'm so angry or frustrated at something, i'll end up crying instead of screaming or shouting

But on the bright side, bersyukurla. For Allah yang ilhamkan people to laugh and cry (AnNajm:43) :) and as once said by a very dear friend of mine "nak menangis, nangisla. tp kan lagi best if kita nangis sebab Allah, bukan sebab benda2 kecik2 yang ntah pape.."



kakak said...

kuat semangat ok sayang. i love you so so much. :')

izyan.ariff said...

iman: i love you fillah. :)

kakak: hm, i met you right after this post :)

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