it's only been 5 days since i started my 4th year. and yet, it felt as if it has been forever. things are piling up one after the other. and i find myself.. suffocated. yes, maybe that's the word. i feel suffocated. not knowing what to do, where to start, how to do it. 

totally not the best way to start this year. and this other problem that i'm having is not helping either. i've tried so many things within these few days to solve it. but none works so far. and what i hate most is that, in the end, one question will pop up in my head, is this something that Allah wants me to live with? 

but Abah gave me some words of wisdom today. (and while i am at this, i'd like to thank Viber for allowing me to call my beloved for free everyday. alhamdulillah). anyway, abah said:

a problem is just a problem.
it is meant to be solved.

and when i came back. Pika elaborate this further with her dad's words of wisdom (yeah, i think we have cool dads);

one day, that problem will be a part of your history.
so just wait.
because eventually, it will be solved.
eventually you will be able to look back,
and say it was your history.

Allahu Allah.
there's a heavy feeling. i do feel sad. i do feel like crying.
yet, i just wish i won't. because i know it's not right.
and because i know that there are so many other things that Allah has protected me from;
and still is.

so to You,
i will do my best. tawakkal dan usaha, insyaAllah.
because they all happened biidznillah.
and if it's with Your Will, then, it would never be for nothing.

"if Allah brings you to it, He will bring you through it."

Aamiin ya Rabb.
wa insyaAllah. :')

"With every hardship, comes ease. 
Verily, with hardship comes ease." 
[94: 5-6]
Allah's Promise;
made to never be broken. insyaAllah :')

mohon doa from anyone who reads this.
May He Ease.




one moment,
is usually the amount of time it takes,
for you to take that leap of faith,
and do things that you never imagined you would.

that leap of faith;
faith that everything will go according to plan.
faith that everything will work out.
faith that you’d come out smiling;
no matter what happens.

but the thing is,
things almost always won't work the way you wanted it.
it even takes its own course, leaving you behind, far far away;
all alone, not understanding what has happened,
not even knowing where everything is taking you.

and at times you wonder,
was that leap of faith worth it?
because to feel unworthy, is something that you never see coming.
but it did. and that is what hurts most.

but only for moments.

because in the end,
it all started with a leap of faith.
and not just any other leap of faith,
it’s faith in Allah.

so it doesn’t matter how worthless you feel at the moment,
what matters is that you start it all with your faith in Him,
so you will end it with your faith in Him too;
whatever the end might be.
Aamiin wa InsyaAllah.

so all iz well.
all iz well.

 yours truly,
tired. *sigh*
Innallaha ma’ana. :’)


Ramadhan Satu.Dua :')

this post is dedicated most definitely to my future self. who i believe will definitely take some time off, reading back her old posts. reminiscing old times, wondering how much she has changed over time. but for this one, it's just as a reminder; of how great this year's Ramadhan has been.

so for tonight, there's one particular memory that i'd like to keep safe and sound in here;



this year's Ramadhan, i have been able to spend most of my time with abah, mama and Lin. when the 1st of Ramadhan came, we decided to step out of our yearly routine. instead of going to the mosque in front of our house, we head off to Masjid Telipot. 

on the first night, we were told that for this year's Ramadhan, there would be two imams leading the prayers. one is Syeikh Abdul Rahman (whom i called Imam Arab), and Ustaz Firdaus (whom i called Imam Melayu). for the first night, Imam Melayu was not able to come, so the whole 20 rakaat was lead by Imam Arab. and boy, i was mesmerized from the get-go. *googly eyes*

and alhamdulillah, seems like abah and mama fell in love with the taraweeh too, and we decided to stick to Masjid Telipot. and thus, our routine started. :)

it was the same activity every night. having showered before breaking fast, we would eat as moderately as possible, not wanting to be bloated for the prayers, and us girls would work as fast and swiftly as we could to clean up the kitchen and store the left-overs in  the fridge; all cleaning has to be finished before 8pm. sooner would be better :P

and we would continue with our Maghrib prayers, and by 8.15 p.m ideally, we all have to be out of the front door. because if we're out by 8.20 p.m, then, almost always most of the traffic light will be red along the way, and us girls won't be able to fill the saf up front. *heh, sedikit selfish, i know*

while in the car-ride, i would always do the same thing. talk to abah and mama, listening to Muhibbain's songs, and whatsapping my 2 best buddies; of our whereabouts and what we were doing. :)

and after tarawikh, almost always it's the same thing again. reaching home at about 11 pm, while me and lin would update anything we want on facebook (typical facebookers.heh), and i would whatsapp the 2 buddies again about how our tarawikh had been, and they would update me with theirs :). and once we reached home, we'd settle ourselves for some moreh. sometimes, we would stop by a small shop along the way home, to let Abah buy himself  a Twister drink. heh.


it has all been second nature to us for this whole Ramadhan. and earlier tonight, upon realizing that this will be my last time doing this routine with abah, mama and lin; i broke down the instant i entered the car. T,T (and the Muhibbain's song playing in the background doesn't help with the emotions either.) huhu.


Alhamdulillah a'la kulli hal.
truly, i love this year's Ramadhan so much, as much as i love the umrah we had back in 2009.
there were so many things i've seen. so many things i've learnt. so many things that made me think. 
and they all have changed me inside, insyaAllah.

Alhamdulillah a'la kulli hal.
there were so many things i wished i did, 
and i've been able to achieve most of them, biidznillah.
the things i used to do, and even new things that i intended to do. :)

Alhamdulillah a'la kulli hal.
because whenever i think about it, there are no any other explanations aside from,
Allah Maha Pemurah. Allah Maha Mengasihani.
for He is the One who's Giving us all this opportunities and chances in this blessed month.

and thus, here i am again, very much in love and broken-hearted with this one do'a,
that has been recited by our Imam in the Qunut in these final days;

"Allahumma ballighna Ramadhan"


this doa gets to me everytime. i don't know if it's the meaning itself, or how the Imam recited it, or maybe even both; but reciting this do'a always makes me feel so desperate, that i wish, pray and hope with all my heart, that Allah let me meet another Ramadhan, insyaAllah wa Aamiin. (T,T) 


truly, it's all with His Blessings that things are happening the way they are. 
Alhamdulillah a'la kulli hal.
for the feelings, the thoughts and the chances given.
honestly, this has been the hardest Ramadhan to let go of. :'(
but like everything else, there is always a Goodbye. 
 may we all come out of this blessed month, as those Muttaqin, and be Granted His Jannah.
Aamiin ya Rabb.

"Taqabballallahu minna wa minkum"

and while we are at it, be sure to pray for our brothers and sisters who are being tormented at this very moment. semoga Allah kuatkan mereka, Aamiin.


taraweeh may have ended tonight,
but i hope that our Qiam will live on even after Ramadhan, insyaAllah.
so i wish everyone the best for tonight's Qiam. make full use of the remaining hours left!

ouh, and salam Eidul Fitri in advance.
maaf segala salah silap dan terkasar bahasa selama ini.
i pray that you, me and everyone else is able to go back to our Fitrah, insyaAllah.
Ya Rabb al-A'lamin.

dear future yan,
say Alhamdulillah please? and pray much for everything. :)


Dalam Hati Ada Apa?


most common answer: dalam hati ada Taman.
most loved answer: dalam hati ada Cinta.
the best answer: dalam hati ada Syurga.

i owe this post to Solusi. best magazine of all time. (eh, Jom pun best.)


*this incident happened earlier during Ramadhan. forgive me for bringing it up. it's just something that i think we can all reflect on.*

another night of tarawikh ended. all the muslimin and muslimat headed to their respected vehicles (kereta besar, kereta kecik, vespa, motor kapcai hehe) and found one thing in common, a piece of paper smacked right on top. in it, the type-written words, of someone lashing another being. from it, we can conclude that the one who did this must've felt really used (read: teraniaya) that she/he became this angry to resort to this kind of means. she/he made accusations, and even challenging the person to go to court. yup, quite the drama.


it's not our job to know what really happened to the 'lasher';
nor it is our job to find out if all the accusations made on 'the-one-being-lashed' are the truth or not.

so what is our job? 
to reflect. 
to pray for the best for both of them. 
may Allah Guide them and us.

and so, this whole episode made me think, hypothetically, if we were to be wrongfully-done; (read: dianiaya, dizalimi) what should we really do? what can we do?


our lives are meant to be a test for us. be it a test to strengthen us, or to level our iman up. it is a test; to how we deal with all the circumstances that Allah throws in our way, be it a happy or a sad thing. but i think it has always been easier for us to face hardships when we know that they are something beyond anyody's control. for example, our corps died because there has been a drought. but say if they died because this one naughty kid decided to play the mercun (ok, i'm not good with making up logical stories) and ended up burning them all up. will we be as lapang dada with qada and qadar as we were before?

wallahua'lam. semoga.


dalam hati ada Syurga.

it's when deep down, your heart is happy and contented, just to have Allah by your side. it's the ultimate feeling/belief that everyone should aim on having. because i think it's the only way one can really live for the HereAfter and not for the Here and Now.

we see them constantly in our everyday lives. ones who have them and ones who don't. those who we'd say have this 'calming effect' and those who have the 'hurricane effect'. 

exhibit A: we understandably see someone who suddenly lost their job, and they were brooding or perhaps even becoming angry for their 'bad luck', so they say. moping around, hating and snapping at every other being who tries to encourage them, saying things like "kau tak kena, senang la cakap." (read: it's easier for you to say, you're not the one facing it) ~haih~ 

true. tests are always hard.

but then you'd see those who face harder things in their lives; like losing a father, their sole supporter of the family; and yet when we give them words of condolences, they say things like; "life goes on. pray for our strength." subhanallah. 


it's really not an easy task to have that Syurga dalam Hati. but i believe it's something we should all seek. and it doesn't come naturally either. perhaps we just have to be tested over and over again by Him, until we are able to sincerely say;

"Aku redha dengan segala ketentuan-Mu."

only then insyaAllah, 
we can face whatever comes our way, with a head help-up, 
knowing that we have Allah by our side. 

وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُم بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الْخَوْفِ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِّنَ الْأَمْوَالِ وَالْأَنفُسِ 

وَالثَّمَرَاتِ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ

الَّذِينَ إِذَا أَصَابَتْهُم مُّصِيبَةٌ قَالُوا إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ

"Dan sungguh akan Kami berikan cobaan kepadamu, dengan sedikit ketakutan, kelaparan, kekurangan harta, jiwa dan buah-buahan. Dan berikanlah berita gembira kepada orang-orang yang sabar.(yaitu) orang-orang yang apabila ditimpa musibah, mereka mengucapkan: "Inna lillaahi wa innaa ilaihi raaji'uun""
[2: 155-156]

few days left in Ramadhan;
and you'd feel that seram sejuk feeling in your gut,
wondering if you're among those who have gained, or those losers. 
praying for the former, Aamiin ya Rabb. :'(

ps: malam ni imam from Gaza datang Masjid Telipot.
pps: malam esok; Stadium Project a.k.a Girls Night Out. can't wait. :)


Senyum Semanis Gula


as Aidilfitri draws closer, baju raya-hunting is unavoidable. it's not wrong, adat ber'hari raya' is a huge part of the society we're living in. so do your hunting, so long as you're hunting for all ibadat in this blessed Ramadhan too! *kofkof* especially Lailatul Qadr-hunting.

anyhow, the occasional visits (or maybe more =,='') to facebook lead me to a bunch of online shopping sites/pages. looks like this particular industry is blooming quite well in Malaysia, huh? from baju kurung to dresses to shawls to tudung bawals. seriously, almost everything is on facebook now. 

in the midst of browsing through the pictures, one thing seems to bother me though; the very beautiful ladies donning them. seriously, here i am, just another girl, who is actually looking for scarfs; ended up mesmerized at the beauties in the sites first, and i had to mentally slap myself to focus back to whatever it is that i was looking for in the first place. 

it made me wonder, what happens if guys look at these? and almost on cue; the first comment below the picture was complimenting the girl in such a creepy stalker-ish way that you get goosebumps just reading it. and yes, the one who commented was like a 40-year-old uncle or something. *shivers*


one can only wonder and marvel at the abundance of beautiful malaysians thanks to these social networks. but it really bothers me. they themselves are beauties; and donning themselves in beautiful clothes and a huge amount of make-up for those smokey green eyes, and the best possible angle to take their pictures only just increase themselves up a notch. but isn't it too...'out there'? making themselves so vulnerable to the likes of the random creepy pakcik?

i don't know. some may say, "ikut suka hati lah. tak suka jangan tengok."
or they may say, "dah kerja modelling. you muka sposen you tak faham semua ni.."
or maybe, "pakcik tu lah yang salah. gatal sangat kenapa?"
or even, "cik izyan. awak pun ada gambar situ sini nak cakap orang." =,='' 
(muka sposen pun kena jaga.sobs)

true. i am just another weak being who still need to make a whole bunch of changes to better myself. but like i always said, we remind others, so that we will be reminded by others. 

so my take on this? hm. truthfully, i am just as wobbly about my principles as everybody else. and the best one to talk about this is definitely those beautiful ladies who wear the niqab. (agh..diri ini sangat hampeh) but it's just that to me, i'd rather stand by this:

dear Ladies;
Smile; because it's Sadaqah. 
don't Smile, if it's to Attract. 

and i end this with quoting Ustaz Zaharuddin from one of his talks i've heard before;

"lelaki suka bila dipuji tentang kejayaan dia.
perempuan suka bila dipuji tentang kecantikan dia."

rather hard to swallow, no?


yours truly;
just another post makan dalam. =,=''


if i were a teenager.

the other day, i saw a status in facebook which caught my interest. it was just another teenage-angsty statement about relationships. which i commented on, (i swear it was total reflex. i rarely comment on posts other than my friends'). i turned the whole statement around, giving it a little hint of reminders. but apparently this act has been misread by the girl in question. saying that i had embarassed her instead. adoih.. (no worries. i confirmed it with others, and it was purely misinterpretations. *peluh kecil*)


and so here comes my post for today.

if i were a teenager today;
i truly don't know how i would survive this period of time.
with the awesome gadgets that everyone is having,
an access to the world with no barriers.
being able to see everything to anything that i want,
i'm not sure if i would be able to juggle all of them coming my way.

if i were a teenager today;
i shudder to think how i would uphold myself,
when the world around me is moving so fast.
thinking back to the little principles that i have built,
and the little knowledge that i had gained,
i don't think they would be enough to keep me safe;
from following what's right, rather than following what's in.

if i were a teenager today;
i guess i would be worried at all times;
living under the scrutiny of others,
or perhaps worried-sick just trying to live up to others.
because i might be referring all my actions to the world around me;
what's the latest gadgets?
what's the latest hijab style?
what's the latest accessories in trend?

if i were a teenager today;
i think i would lose a hell lot of time.
when i need to watch the latest K-dramas my friends are discussing in school.
when i have to watch the latest videos of justin Bieber and his baby-boo.
when i have to look for the latest fashion updates from Poplook,
when i have to check the latest gossip of this girl from that other school.
sigh~ because i would be doing what everybody else is doing, won't i?

but thankfully, i'm not a teenager today.

and so i wish to tell these young hearts, that they are living in a crazy world right now. a world where everyone is growing up too fast, that so many are actually stumbling and falling just trying to catch up.

i wish to tell these young hearts, that they should stop following what the world is doing,  because most of them are just things that they will definitely regret, when they look back in a few years time.

i wish i could tell so many things to these young hearts. because the least i could do is remind them whenever and wherever i can. i have not experienced much, because let's face it, i'm only a few years older than them. but do we have to experience everything before we can give others some words of wisdom?

but then again,

when things like this happened - the misunderstanding - it made me think; this is the period that they need to face. perhaps, they just have to make their own mistakes. perhaps, they just have to trip here and there, and even fall down, in order for them to learn to get back up. and all we can do, is to remind them from the sidelines. but it's always their choice either to listen or not. 

because those falling and tripping, those mistakes; 
they are what make us humans; 
hamba Allah yang sentiasa lemah, 
dan memerlukan pertolongan-Nya

as for the reminders? it's just a cycle of life that keeps on going. 

we remind others, 
with the hope that we would always be reminded by others.


to you little girl,
i'm sorry if this kakak's intention seems different to you.
but i always pray that things will turn out well, insyaAllah. for me and you. :)


ahlan wa sahlan;
Ramadhan Phase 3.
semoga kita semua bertemu Lailatul Qadr. 
Aamiin. :)
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