Our Beloved

Allahyarham Kamaruzaman bin Mariam

11.11.1961 - 16.4.2018

When my father in law fell sick and changed from a healthy fit guy into a bedridden parent in an instant, i thought this is how Allah is going to test us all as a family. And i started writing down some entries in Coping, thinking how this is going to be a long journey ahead of us. i thought of putting into words some of the memories in this hidey-hole.

The first month was spent in the hospital. juggling time to and fro the hospitals mainly. the next month came by and it was all about preparing for abahKama's coming home. and once he was home, days passed again as we were focusing on his needs. and things were slowly settling down by the third month as we were slowly coping with fulfilling our family's needs along with our needs too.

as for abahKama, he was slowly and steadily doing well. he tried his best mouthing some words when communicating, he understood most of what we tell him, he could smile and laugh awkwardly at my sister's jokes. he did small exercises with Ma. he could move most of the time, despite not really fully within his control. but we saw progress. and all the family members were coping well with taking care of abah: changing diapers, feeding milk via the tube, cleaning his tracheostomy etc. and me and Aizzat were coping in our own way, with Aizzat filling his time with extra working hours whenever he can to support the family.

We were doing well. Abah was doing well.

and we plan. but Allah is the best planner of all.

as 16th of April 2018 came.

I came home from work to an empty house as usual, as Aizzat was on his PM shift that would finish at 10pm. I was lazying around as Maghrib entered, when Aizzat called me saying we're heading home to Pasir Mas. "abah's having seizures."

We both didn't panic. my first thought was this is a complication for a stroke patient. it's bound to happen. maybe he had some small seizures and Aizzat said Ma had called the ambulance already. we packed swiftly and all i could think of in the car was "okay maybe a night or two in the hospital. I just hoped Abah's condition is not worsened by it." And Aizzat was pretty much thinking of the same thing too. We were calm doctors as opposed to panic-stricken daughter/son. 

then the phone call.

"yan, abah takdok dah." Ma said.

i didn't comprehend. did i hear wrong? but i started crying and sobbing istighfar as the words sink in.

which was the worst way for Aizzat to learn that his beloved father had passed away. Aizzat was asking in sobs "kenapa sayang? kenapa sayang?" :(

we cried the whole way back to Pasir Mas. picking up aizzat's sister from UiTM along the way. but once we were home, nobody shed tears. we were doing our best to handle the funeral. which was all new to us. families including my parents came by to help us alhamdulillah.

Abah passed away in the ambulance, on his way to the hospital. we brought him home later that night after settling some paper work. we took turns reciting the Quran beside him until morning came. everybody looked spent. i watch my husband and all my in laws. and saw how strong they were in handling everything. no one cried.

until it was time to say our final goodbyes. each of us went to kiss his cold cheeks and forehead. abah looked good. handsome we'd all say. something that made us felt a little better from our broken hearts that day. 

Semoga roh abah ditempatkan bersama orang-orang beriman. ameen ameen ya Rabb.

**********

how do we handle losing our loved ones? there is no right way for us to do it actually. it's just something we don't want to think about let alone plan for it. but when it happens, we go through it. no matter how hard it is, we pray that Allah guide us through it. because Allah already wills it to happen. Abah's passing will always leave a hole in our hearts. and grief is nothing but a roller coaster ride. where we would smile and laugh at one moment, and find ourselves crying in our doa missing him at the next. but being Muslims, we take comfort knowing that he is still there, just in another phase of life. we'll all be there too one day. but for now, doa is the only thing that could reach him. so keeping him in our daily prayers is the only way to move forward.

Abah,

we bear witness that you have been a great father to us, a great husband to Ma.

one who would always smile and giggle to brighten up anyone's mood

one who never stopped working even when you were not feeling well

one who treat friends and families with so much respect

you've worked so hard all your life, abah 

and it's time for you to have your rest alongside our Creator now, insyaAllah.

we'll take care of your little girls and Ma as best as we can Abah,

we both promise you that. :')

till we all meet again in Jannah Abah, 

biidznillah wa insyaAllah.

“Apabila meninggal dunia seorang anak Adam maka putuslah segala amalannya kecuali tiga iaitu: Sedekah yang ditinggalkan semasa hidup, ilmu yang dimanfaatkan dan anak yang soleh yang mendoakan kedua ibu bapanya.”

Hadis Riwayat Luqman Hakim

mind rant #19: Strength

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

linked

it's been a while folks. though i do have something in mind to write about, i just thought of a more laid-back and very short entry tonight since it's already waaay past my bedtime (finishing some study-related work, being the geek i am).

anyway, last week i went to meet up with some friends for a housewarming party. meeting those familiar faces is definitely something i miss. there's really only a bunch of us left for our final year as a medical student, insyaAllah. in Dublin alone, we have three main universities; RCSI, UCD and TCD. there's about 10++ Malaysians for UCD and TCD and perhaps a bit more for those in RCSI (lucky them). but the chances of us meeting one another ever since our clinical year started is very limited, cause all of us are thrown away to different rotations and different places. Truthfully it's even hard to meet up with those who are in the same universities!

so the occasional gatherings are something that we try not to miss, really; otherwise we'd live a very lonely life here in Dublin. of course, there are those gatherings for Malaysian students in general by all those student organizations, but that's only occasionally and we'd always ended up lost in the huge crowds of juniors in their pre-clinical years (lots of those who are in a twinning programme), them not knowing us, and vice versa. Don't get me wrong, we all tried our best to get to know one another. :P

anyhow, back to the housewarming party, i felt a very different feeling seeing those familiar faces, Alhamdulillah. somehow everybody knows the struggles that each of us are having; the lonesome travels to random rotations, the crazy exams, the maze-like hospitals, the creepy Consultants. and it's cute enough that when we do meet up with one another, we'd be giving out tips; offering notes, borrowing books, giving directions to which bus to take etc.

and one word came to mind: 

Strength.

somehow we have become the strength to one another. pushing each other to all be doctors by the end of this very difficult journey. and my prayers is that we'd all ended up not just being good doctors, but awesome Muslim/Muslimah too. Aamiin ya Rabb.

so here's a little peek of us:

UCDs: 4th and final Meds together. some are missing though.

funny witty ladies. i love them to bits!
(RCSI, UCD, TCD)

random: this was last week's peripheral rotation in Kampung Wexford.
insyaAllah, perhaps my last peripheral rotation in Ireland (sobs)
ps: notice the very unhealthy diet for a medical student :)

now i cant leave the two anak-anak Zainols, can i?
i'm a lucky gal to have them with me every step of the way. :)

gah~ now that i'm looking at these pictures, i really can't believe that it's been 4 years since we set foot in Ireland *teary-eyed*. we have so much to be thankful for, Alhamdulillah. pray for me and friends here pretty please? That Allah will guide us all the way in our final stride. Aamiin wa InsyaAllah. :)

at times like this, it's best to remind ourselves with one of the best reminders of all right?
[one of my fave verses too of course]

فَبِأَىِّ ءَالَآءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ

"Maka ni’mat Tuhan kamu yang manakah yang kamu dustakan?"

[Ar-Rahman]

and of course, say Alhamdulillah;

just because we can. :)

assalamualaikum.

mind rant #18: Last Post

linked

.... to end my 4th year of doing Medicine in Ireland insyaAllah. hehe. 

tomorrow we'll be officially starting the final exams for our Psychiatric rotation. and truth is, this is just me wanting some break in between my readings to keep me pumped up. cause having  the exam dates and the balik-Malaysia date so close together is not helping my concentration at all! i find my mind wanders off to the airport, the long-haul flights, eating with Ika at KLIA (we planned on going to eat everything at the airport in small amounts while waiting for our own flights to Kelate and Penang) and imagining myself walking down the airport in Kelate. i wonder who'd be there this time~ (last time i was home i had a whole bunch of cousins waiting for me. :)

*******

Father's Day

truth is, i haven't been one who celebrate things much. and i'm guessing everybody doesn't too. it's just the temptation of wishing "happy Father's Day" on facebook that got the better of us. anyhow, it was a happy occasion still, as well as a heart-warming one. some people do celebrate it wholeheartedly, what with the cakes and balloons and the cards. then there are those who dig into their treasure looking for an old picture with Mr  Dad; that's cute. and there are those who wished that their fathers are there; that brought me teary-eyed, upon realizing that a lot of my friends had lost this huge nikmat at such a young age. my prayers go to them and their late fathers; semoga roh ditempatkan di kalangan orang yang soleh. Al-fatihah.~

as for me? apparently i was on the phone on father's day, but since at that time i didn't know it was father's day, we chatted away of different things, as well as watching Airaa performing and showing me her belly-button :) nevertheless, father's day or not, i pray for you all the time Abah, and i'm working hard to be your best daughter always, i promise. :)

********

Mama

so kakak's birthday passed a while back, on 12th of June. I called her, asking what she did back home. She was still in Kelate on her maternity leave, so Abe Ammar came back for the weekend to celebrate her birthday. I thought they did something, but kakak told me she bought a cake for mama instead:

"i think birthdays should celebrate the moms instead. 

thank you for giving birth to me. 

thank you for not giving up on that delivery table."

*well, her words are much more hilarious being the joker she is. but i have to tone it down in here. heh*

but her point gets to me. she's right. birthdays should celebrate the moms. i guess kakak realized it now that she has two of her own. and we may as well realize it now. next time, i'm gonna pick up the phone on my birthday and instead of waiting for them to wish me a happy birthday, i'd say thank you instead. oh, and kakak and me are planning on sending mama off to Che (our grandma) on her birthday this 25th. and then we'll buy her cakes. :P

*****

oh here's a cute video of Mufti Ismail Menk. apparently i have always heard of him, but for some reason i have never watch any of his talks/videos. and finally i did a few days back and he was so hilarious in his talks; points delivered is a given. i think i have a thing for witty talks. :)

whenever i did video calls, i found that my parents will talk a lot less compared to when i phoned them. then i realized that they were too happy watching my face rather than talking to me. so i guess it rings true with what Mufti Ismail said in the video; we might think it's nothing really, calling our parents or skyping with them; but it means a lot to them and it really does make them happy. cause despite my messy hair, huge puffy cheeks, 5cm eye-bags, red nose, wearing old sweatshirts over me, basically eerily-looking; but if i smile, Abah and Mama would always say the same thing: "comel anak abah/mama ni." *sobs* now, that's what i call true love. T_T

******

presentation is tomorrow;

MCQ exam on Thursday;

OSCEs on Friday;

flight home on Sunday;

safely in my parent's hugs by Monday;

insyaAllah,

i pray Allah ease everything, Aamiin. :)

happy summer holidays people!

may Allah bless all our time spent, Aamiin ;)

my cutie pie

before i came back to Dublin the other day;

i was flipping through her album when she was small;

and i realized  that for a baby girl, she sure does smile a whole lot! 

showing her jagged teeth that we used to call 'popcorn' hahah :)

today she's already 16.

*time flies*

grow up beautifully sayang.

be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend;

a good muslimah.

you're always in kak yan's doa.

ps: and you'll always be our Baby Lin.

*big bearly hugs and wet drooling kisses mwahaha*

The Weird Question

we were on our way back to Putrajaya, after spending the weekend at Abe's house in Shah Alam. i think Boolat Airaa had her fun with her favourite uncle, Ayah Ngah. :) and Kakak asked me a random thing like she always does;

kakak: yan, yan sayang Rara tak?

me: tak. (in my most serious tone ever. yes, sarcasm intended)

kakak: yan sayang dia macam mana eh? macam adik yan ke? macam sayang cousin ke?

me: hm, i'm not sure la kakak..

and my thoughts swirled around that question,

whilst Airaa was sleeping soundlessly and cutely in her car seat behind.

**********

i've spent the last 5 days with my kakak and her baby, as my bro-in-law is currently away with his work. jumping up to the offer to come here to be with my first niece, considering i only spent time with her on her first 30 days, during last year's Ramadhan before heading back to Dublin. and i only watched her becoming more Boolat via whatsapp videos that my Abe religiously sent me time and time again. so this is an offer i couldn't miss.

the last time i slept with kakak and baby, was during the first month of Airaa's birth; when Abe Ammar has to come back to Putrajaya for his work. back then, at night time, i'd be woken up by Airaa's cries. i'd try to not wake kakak up, and give the bottled milk kakak has prepared. but if Airaa keeps on crying, kakak would feed her instead. and during those nights (and even days) i saw how kakak was in pain all the time because of the surgery (she had caeserean birth). she couldn't even sit up straight, and yet, she still did everything to keep Airaa full and happy. :)

and almost a year later, i get to sleep with the two of them again. the baby is bigger this time though ;) and like old times, i was woken up in the middle of the night with Airaa's moaning as she was stirring from her sleep. then i saw kakak, and realized how awkward kakak's sleeping position was. uncomfortable, i must say. and i wondered how could she sleep that way. and it was all done so that Airaa could feed properly. when Airaa moaned again, i tried to pat her gently, when kakak suddenly said, "takpe yan. tidur je. i got it." as expected, kakak was not even sleeping. *sigh*

***********

thoughts poured in as i tried to sleep again. the love of a mother; and the things that they would do. and this is only the smallest of things. i watched how busy she is during the 5 days. but kakak never complains. because she loves it. she's doing everything for her little girl. i don't know, but that just gets to me.

and i can only imagine what Abah and Mama had gone through raising the four of us. the many different things they must have sacrificed, the things they willingly have gone through, and still are. i can't count, for i don't even know. and the same goes out to all Ayah, Ibu, Abi, Ummi, Daddy, Papa, Mummy out there. think of the things they are willing to do for us. subhanallah.

yes, the praises go back to Him. the One who plant Love in those hearts. without Love, one can never do much to another. at least, that is what i believe in. when you love someone, you'd do anything for them really. that's a given.

**********

If love comes with the amount of days that you spent with someone, then i guess i won't love my little niece, huh? 30 days (when she was born last year) + 5 days (when i came back last June) + 5 days of babysitting.

40 days with someone, will that make you love them? maybe. i don't know, but i'm guessing it won't. but subhanallah. there isn't really a word to describe how much i love this new addition to the family.

this little girl that i've only watch in videos for the past 10 months.

this little girl who smiled so wide, it makes you smile just thinking about her.

this little girl who kisses you with her mouth open, smudging every inch of your face with her saliva.

this little girl who would stop crying by just saying the word "bird".

this little girl who came to lie so close next to me in the middle of the night, 

and i caught her staring at her Aunty Chik. (her cuteness kills me)

*********

so back to Kakak's weird question:

"yan sayang Airaa tak? sayang macam mana?"

yes, kakak. i do love this baby girl.

i love this baby girl. not like how i love my sister, nor like how i love my cousin.

i don't love her just because she's my niece. not because she's yours. not because she's blood-related.

i just love her. because i guess it's just one of those feelings Allah put in our hearts.

and like everybody else, i think we all love her, with every little thing that she did.

she's just my niece. yet, she's already making my heart flutter all the time.

i cant imagine how parents would feel. :)

****

okay. i end this very long ramble with a prayer :)

may Allah grant us all with wudda (kasih sayang);

“Sesungguhnya orang-orang beriman dan beramal soleh,

kelak Allah yang maha pemurah akan menanamkan dalam hati mereka kasih sayang.”

[19:96]

Aamiin.  

little angel's weird sleeping position. :)

Boolat's different expressions ;)

a day with Aunty Chik. Rara playing with her toys under the watchful eyes of mr Owl :)

Boolat's day with Aunty Chik: baru siap mandi ;)

1. Ibu's and Boolat's carbonara. 2. she's offering Ayah Ngah her baby bites. *this rarely happens*
3. abe + kakak + me, at our usual spot since years back. now we're here again, with a little girl tagging along. :)

car rides with Aunty Chik :)

ps: might be my last night sleeping with her this year. sobs. night world. salam :)
pps: kasih sayang; it's a really mysterious thing :P

What Are We Doing?

UCD 2014 Malaysian-Singaporean batch insyaAllah. *some are missing though*

yesterday, most of my Malaysian-Singaporean batch went to eat together. somewhat a gathering after everyone finally finished the 3-day examination. i was the only one who had an exam on the first day. :) which explains this post.

so we head out to Warung Kita. a famous small Malaysian-restaurant here in Dublin. we talked about the exams, the answers we blurted out, the scary/nice consultants, the summer plans, our hospitals next semester etc. but one thing for sure, you could smell the fresh air of relief all around. 

as we were chatting, i could sense that we were all reprieved from all the pressure we have built up before. serious susah exam ni. but apparently it's only our first long case examination. and soon we will be heading for our 4th year insyaAllah, with many more long case examinations tagging along-side. =,=''

subhanallah, how time flies. i remembered coming to Dublin and seeing 4th year sisters, and they looked so matured, intelligent and cool and everything! and now that we are almost there, i have yet to find that matured+intelligent+cool combo within me ...=,=''

and the 4th year is supposed to be the most challenging year of all for a medical student. and then i thought about the 5th year, which is also a really scary period; when you're just a few steps away from being let out into the wild to mend the sick beings. 

but even after a medical degree, the scourge won't stop there. i've bumped into so many articles about this very special field. of how it's a never-ending learning process. you thought your exams are excruciating now, but you will have thousands more coming even after getting that medical Degree scroll. c'est la vie.

and the fact that you're like slaves at times. you thought people have high respect for you, to only realize that most of them hate the very sight of you. that you're expected to be a very good doctor, foolproof at all times, despite having slept for only 3 hours in 2 days. 

and at the same time, you're expected to be a good loving husband/wife, mother/father, a good friend, and most importantly a good Muslim/Muslimah; i seriously wonder how does one juggle all these?

*********

sometimes when us girls sit down and talk, we do wonder what have we gotten ourselves into? aren't we supposed to be the motherly mother; who sits at home, being pretty for the hubby, raising the kids, jahit baju, lipat kain, masak sedap. well, you get the gist. 

why did we choose a life that is scary? why did we choose something that might take its toll on us? why did we choose a field, that scares most, if not all, guys? *nak jugak sebut yang ni. yelah, siapa nak isteri on-call. siapa nak isteri takde kat rumah. siapa nak isteri balik-balik menangis? 

looking from that perspective, things do seem to not be on our side of the bargain.

**************

but then, the fact remains that we are already in this. and what's the point of looking at a glass half empty, when it is actually half full?

because no matter how bad things seem to be directing to, i can't deny that with the right intentions (niat Lillahi Taala), this job brings you close to Him. when people are sick, they are usually scared and desperate. and when they are desperate, they would usually cling on someone they trust. and if it is the Doctors who they are clinging onto, wouldn't it be the best of time to remind them that, Allah s.w.t is the One that we all should cling on to?

********

and what about the never-ending learning process that a doctor should face? the constant exams even if you're already in the work field. Haven't we heard of the hadith:

Seseorang yang keluar dari rumahnya untuk menuntut ilmu 

niscaya Allah akan mudahkan baginya jalan menuju Syurga 

(Shahih Al jami)

********

and last and the very least concern of all, is that we constantly hear nobody wants a wifey-doctor. but that's something that doesn't warrant a space in our thoughts. because Allah All Mighty chooses which Muslim for another Muslimah. that's what jodoh is. one will definitely complete the other with His Will. one will definitely understands the other with His Will. doctor or not. :)

so we're back to question one: 

What are we actually doing?

the answer is rather simple:

we are all just seeking His Redha.

albeit the rather complicated and challenging path. 

so, all iz well.

all iz well. :)

ps: and who says that being a doctor deter you from being the best of spouse/parents/friends?

Allah kan ada. He'll Guide as long as we make the effort. :)

semoga Allah permudahkan.

Aamiin. :)

mind rant 5# : My Date

yesterday before the exam, i made a promise to myself. whatever happens, i'm going for a Date. 

*the Date* :)

*******

we always have a first to everything. and today is my first long case examination. the first for the many to come in my next 2 years left insyaAllah. it was hard. on all of us. our seniors, the interns, the SHOs, the REGs and even the consultants have briefed us countless times of how and what it consist of. but that had never made us feel any better prepared for what was to come. 

because despite the effort that we were making, somehow everything seems not right. the more we read, the more we realize how much we don't know and need to know; not to mention the more we forget the things we have read! we prepared template answers, practiced on one another, asked for tips, but the fact remains: anything can happen.

and that 'anything' happened to me. the seniors told us many times before, of the things that won't and may come up; cardiac, respi, GI, neuro yadda yadda. and guess what i got today? orthopaedics. something that none of us have really prepared for, because you rarely hear people get it for their first long case examination. they were those chapters that you would simply flip through without even giving a second glance. no templates prepared. and it was an area that i have never got a chance to be involved with in the last 9 weeks of hospital rotations this semester. when i saw the sign Orthopaedic, one thought popped: "what does Allah have in store for me?"

but it happened anyway; the exam that is. and Alhamdulillah, is the only kalimah that i can think of. i don't think i did great. i don't think i answered all the questions well. i don't think i did all the steps beautifully. i don't think i presented flawlessly. i don't even know if i even passed the test just now! (huhu. doakan~)  

but i am convinced that whatever came out of me, was because of His Will. it was because of His Plans.

so looking back, i have so many things to thank Him for, rather than worry of the tiny bits that i have done wrong. Alhamdulillah, bukan tergagap-gagap pun. Alhamdulillah, the consultants were encouraging. Alhamdulillah, the patient was super nice. Alhamdulillah, i didn't go blank. Alhamdulillah, the intern was helpful. and most importantly, Alhamdulillah; Allah bagi hati yang tenang. and Alhamdulillah, through those around me, i felt Loved. :')

when i got texts from random and close friends wishing me luck. entahla, call me jiwang karat, but if Allah is able to let others think of me; let alone Him, the ultimate Lover of His hamba? and best of all, i realized that  through all this, He kept reminding me of Him. so how can i not be thankful?

****

lastnight, before i was about to sleep (because my tummy were doing somersaults) =,='', i 'whatsapp'ed my siblings. asking them to pray for me the next day. only to have kakak replying straight away; (it was 5am malaysia time);

"kakak baru habis solat hajat kat yan. Adik kakak boleh buat. Allah akan tunjuk jalan for u." 

this text left me crying to sleep.

and Abah's texts greeted me from time to time during the whole exam:

"Goodluck syg. Allah bersama yan. we all pray for you. Selawat banyak2."

"abah mama tengah mengaji (read Quran) for yan."

with them around me, how can i not be thankful?

*******

and so i head for the Date today, determined. to tell Him everything. to thank Him for everything. but words didn't really came out much today. all i did was to lift my hand, and i already knew that He Knew everything. but somehow, there was contentment in that little act; of lifting your hands to pray. i felt relief. serenity. over-whelmed. later in my Date, there was only one surah on my mind that i wanted to recite: it was Ar-Rahman. :')

فَبِأَىِّ ءَالَآءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ 

"Maka nikmat Tuhan kamu yang manakah yang kamu dustakan?"

to You,

make me a thankful abid with Your nikmat.

make me a thankful abid with Your ujian.

make me a thankful abid with Your Qada' & Qadar.

because You always Know best.

that was my Date. i pray that everyone have theirs too. :)

killing time before the date: 1. checking out books at Eason. 2. flowers for the birthday girl:Suha. 3. breakfast after exam.alone.awkward. 4. sempat lagi. girls will always be girls.

after draining myself 'intellectually' and emotionally. i decided to drain myself physically.
walked back home along the paths that i miss. took 40 minutes. in the drizzle. :)

ps: and Happy Birthday kakak, one of my best gift in life. praying that the years gone by have made you closer to Him, and the years to come will only make you even closer. Aamiin :) * i might do something for you. heh. mungkin je la. :)*

oh, and Assalamualaikum summer holiday :))

mind rant 4#

salam. it's time for the occasional ramblings again. i'll make it short and simple. for i'm sure nobody is interested in reading much on a random rant. 

it's my final rotation before the exams. and we are currently placed at the Mater Hospital in Dublin for our surgical rotation. i was well prepared for what to expect weeks back; that i will be placed under the team with one of the most scariest consultant. =,=''  who would give out to anyone who walk too slow, or walk too fast, or for not knowing the surnames of all the people in the team.

the first time he gave out to us, i didn't feel anything really. and i actually thought he was nice and calm, for actually listing us the things we need to read up on, before leaving the room. but considering the reactions coming from my Irish partner, i supposed it was quite upsetting. =,=''

i don't really know if at that time i was too happy for being able to 'scrubbed in' a surgery for the first time in my life! or that i have been desensitized for being in the first rotation few weeks back, under a similar kind of consultant; that i genuinely didn't feel a thing. i wasn't bothered. all i thought was, great. i will read and prove to him that i make my effort.

which, at the end of the day, was what i think Allah is trying to teach me; when He Decided to put me in 2 rotations with 'interesting' consultants that i have to face. this is what i think i learnt after so many weeks;

1. that i should not be too worried of what people think. 

2. make the effort. that's all that counts.

3. pressure is good. nak ilmu kan kan?

4. if a thing saddens you, try to not bury it too deep in the heart. Allah kan ada :)

in the end, no matter how evil/rude/weird/scary the people are, they are all just human beings. who are bound to have imperfections within them, just like us. we have to learn to cope with all these. our job is to do the best in developing our characters; according to Quran and Sunnah. if we want to be a nice person, be one because of Him. not because of how people treat us.

hari ni dalam Bulatan Gembira, kak Farah reminded; that sometimes, Allah bring us through these kinds of situations and make us meet different kinds of characters, so that we learn to not be attached to people; that we learn to not expect from others too much; and to hope and pray for Him instead, every minute and every second of the day. no matter what situations we are in, whoever we meet.

Life is not always bliss. especially for those yang Allah Cinta. Didn't he remind us every so often, He Tests those He Love? so put a smile on that face. even if the World turns its back against us, there is nothing to be sad about if we have Him with us. insyaAllah. ;)

that's it for my rant.

wallahua'lam.

ps: after a full week of leaving home before 6am, cycling naik bukit sampai kaki cramp, berlari-lari anak cari wards, doing ward rounds at 7am, nak pengsan by 12pm; finally we were able to sit down, tenangkan hati, enjoyed the beautiful (slightly hot) summer day with beautiful people. Alhamdulillah. 

pps: only watched Boolat Rara's latest video, that abe whatsapp to me. she crawled! cant wait for malaysia.

truly, which Blessings of Allah will we deny?

Friday treats after hospital :)

stress-relief :)

we'll be having a 3-day weekend this time. alhamdulillah :)

it's waaay past midnight. 

i've just finished some new look for my alter-ego. 

puas hati ku. mwahahaha~

i like making cute stuff. matching colours. finding cute pics. looking for good quotes.

reflection for today?

much really.

of late, been thinking of ujian again.

how ungrateful we are, for being so weak with small ujian.

padahal orang lain jauh lagi besar ujian mereka. 

forgive me ya Allah,

for i easily forget.

~haih~

anyways. 

some pictures i found on chocolates.

i started the weekends with high sugar. (as seen in facebook).

seems it might be that way the whole weekend.

gemok. :P

sorry for the rants.

i promise to write some 'food for soul' the next time.

insyaAllah. 

happy weekend!

1. gahh~~ i took them all. no wonder the diet never works. T_T 

(linked)

2. looking forward to a good weekend. with books, reminders, family time..and cakes? ;)

linked

3. and drinking lots and lots of caffein. - this will kill me someday. haih~

linked

4. and some of this...? *there's some truth behind it really*
feelings? yes.
thoughts? definitely.
memories? none yet.
and one person who has yet to come.
nowhere near this. prayers are all i've got.
*sorry. layan fitrah jap. i am a normal being. heh*

linked

goodnight world.

be good to everyone.

Allah is Watching. 

salam.

Acceptance

another week has passed. a very busy one with so many things to be done; keluar gelap, balik gelap. lari pergi kelas, pastu lari pergi hospital. sesat lagi. haih :) but alhamdulillah. for all the things He taught, for all the things He made me think of. for everything, really.

and not wanting to waste away any thoughts of mine, here i am again with my therapy. hoping to start off the weekend with a 'working' mind and racing thoughts (not in a psychotic manner, hopefully.heheh). :)

few days ago, we had this lecture on Risk Management and Patient Safety. it was one of those subjects; teaching you things you should know of, but you really dont feel any relevance behind it all for the time being. because we, sadly, are those exam-oriented students who learn things mostly not to know, but just to ace those exam papers. (man, we need to seriously change!)

anyways, the lecture was basically all about the things hospitals had done to avoid any unwanted events, be it errors and mistakes in clinical practice. ok ill try and make it short, im not trying to summarize my lectures here (or prove to anyone that im concentrating in class.hahaha). but at the end of it, they played a video; a re-enactment of a true case happening in a hospital back in UK, where a doctor mistakenly inject a drug meant to be given intravenously, but was injected intrathecally instead. in simpler words, tersalah bagi ubat. why? because of miscommunications here and there, some unwanted circumstances cropping up etc. so basically, that mistake ended up with the death of the patient. and even the two doctors involved in it, quit medicine. T,T

*******

first of, it made me think of how difficult it is; that being a doctor goes way beyond that. a lot of procedures are involved because you are handling others. i have always thought it was about asking patients questions, and diagnosing them, perform some simple exams, or difficult procedures. i have forgotten all the tiny details you have to take into considerations. like having to confirm and re-confirm your drugs and data countless times with so many people. having to write down a lot of things. all the details really, that may seem irrelevant to you.

but most importantly, what i thought most about was how our Deen has taught us of acceptance; of Qada' and Qadar. in life, not everything is perfect. we all know that. and we ourselves can never be perfect. and we know of our imperfections, through all the mistakes that we have made. some are made after we have tried really hard to avoid it. and some mistakes are made without even us knowing about it. and the mistakes always have consequences, be it on ourselves, or others around us. and seeing that clip, i realized how easily doctors can make mistakes. not just about misdiagnosing, but sometimes misreading things, mislabelling medicines, which all may lead to harming the patient. 

but i guess that is the essence behind it all, that all you can do is really put some effort in the things that you do. buat kerja betul-betul, be careful of small details, be mindful of everything. and yet, if things happened the other way around and the blame is still on us, we learn to accept it. because Allah has Decided for it to be that way. especially in deaths. there would be so many different reasons that we can come up with on the causes of death. heart attacks, too much loss of blood, ruptured vessels etc. but deep in our hearts, i guess a Muslim should always know that, it's just his time has come. there and then. it's their time to go back to Our Creator. 

and yet, being in Malaysia pun, i'm sure ramai lagi yang belum grasp this concept. let alone if you think of Ireland. where nobody even knows what Qada and Qadar is. so other consequences follow. you might go into court for the mistakes you made, you might be sued etc. it seems unfair, but again, that's just how Allah wants it to be.

i guess what i learnt most that day was that, i'll soon be making mistakes all the time. more physical mistakes that is, because im pretty sure i'm making mistakes all the time too right now. i've heard of a person saying that doctors really do kill people. but the fact is, Allah is just using us doctors as a tool, to be a part of the reason behind those deaths, or any unwanted illnesses. because that is how Sunnatullah works too.

a part of me is scared truthfully, wondering when those time comes, will i be ready to face all of that emotions accompanying them? having to see people die before your eyes, and being a part of the reason behind them all. letting the patient's hopes down, when you tell them that they will be paralyzed for life? fuh, scary. but another part of me is excited too. wondering how much will i learn. how much will it strengthen me inside? most importantly, will it make my iman stronger? wallahua'lam, but i pray they would.

i know i have mentioned this countless times. but i really want to be a doctor. helping others is a part of it, definitely. cari makan pun of course is another part of it. but most importantly it's to help myself. because it is a known fact, that with the right intention, it is definitely a job that brings you closer to Allah. how can it not?

when deaths, hopelessness, and mistakes are all there in front of you; 

constantly reminding you every second 
that in Allah is where we should all put our trust in. 

not the pills, 

not the stethoscope, 

and definitely not the white-coats.

to You, please make me a doctor. a good Muslimah doctor, please?

ameen. :) *tolong ameenkan ye.hehe*

24th January 2012

White Coat Ceremony. 

marking the start of the final half of medicine.

with the PMC kids who will be leaving us soon. huhu T,T

will be with them for another 2.5 years, insyaAllah.

yours truly,

one who's always praying the white-coat stays on :) ameen.

im not THAT serious

linked

T,T

kakak says im too serious that she's scared of reading my blog lately. (except the penyejuk hati one, cause she ended up calling Abah asking what's hers.haha) so here is me saying that im still the same little sist lah. 

one who talks different impromptu-alienic language with you just to confuse the cute mama.

one who joins forces with you pretending lin is invisible just to scare her.

one who says 'Laf To You too' back, instead of 'I love you too' that makes everyone around us wonder if we are that bad in English?

one who still misses the time you'd come by KMB and stayed in the room, just to exist in one's world. ;)

one who still misses the sleepovers at your 'bujang' house, when you would wake me up early and make me nasi goreng + nugget.

those times had passed. 

but the memories will always be there.

but no worries, cause new ones are being made too.

i've enjoyed every single moment and talks i had with you;

and am enjoying them still.

and they are what makes you the best and coolest Big Sister in the whole wide world.

thank You, for lending me you.

ps: is this an attempt to make you read my blog again? yes, it definitely is.

Laf To You kakak! :)

pps: 

but there's one definite time i know that im serious; 

when im praying that we both will end up in His Jannah. :)

us, 5 years ago :)

XD

found on link

heheh.

study break.

XD

a girlish girl

exam in 4 days. and here i am taking a break. 

thought of posting some beautiful pictures i bumped into.

and collected.*wink*

man-made though. 

doakan saya dan kawan-kawan please.

that with all these hardships,

we all will be great doctors.

ameen :)

ps: Mama has been telling me she wants to make my wedding all white + soft pink. 

hmm.. =,=''

found on undefined

found on http://catrinaaadotlove.tumblr.com/

found on http://middlechildcomplex.tumblr.com/#132

ayat for the night;

For truly with hardship comes ease; 

truly with hardship comes ease. 

(Surat al-Inshirah: 5-6)

ouh.and i miss this BooLat of mine.

macam muka aunty chik la kan kan? *wink*

yours truly,

a girlish girl at heart.

*sambil bajet buat muke paling cute dengan tanda peace* =,=''

(err..blame the finals.huhu)