Acceptance

another week has passed. a very busy one with so many things to be done; keluar gelap, balik gelap. lari pergi kelas, pastu lari pergi hospital. sesat lagi. haih :) but alhamdulillah. for all the things He taught, for all the things He made me think of. for everything, really.

and not wanting to waste away any thoughts of mine, here i am again with my therapy. hoping to start off the weekend with a 'working' mind and racing thoughts (not in a psychotic manner, hopefully.heheh). :)

few days ago, we had this lecture on Risk Management and Patient Safety. it was one of those subjects; teaching you things you should know of, but you really dont feel any relevance behind it all for the time being. because we, sadly, are those exam-oriented students who learn things mostly not to know, but just to ace those exam papers. (man, we need to seriously change!)

anyways, the lecture was basically all about the things hospitals had done to avoid any unwanted events, be it errors and mistakes in clinical practice. ok ill try and make it short, im not trying to summarize my lectures here (or prove to anyone that im concentrating in class.hahaha). but at the end of it, they played a video; a re-enactment of a true case happening in a hospital back in UK, where a doctor mistakenly inject a drug meant to be given intravenously, but was injected intrathecally instead. in simpler words, tersalah bagi ubat. why? because of miscommunications here and there, some unwanted circumstances cropping up etc. so basically, that mistake ended up with the death of the patient. and even the two doctors involved in it, quit medicine. T,T

*******

first of, it made me think of how difficult it is; that being a doctor goes way beyond that. a lot of procedures are involved because you are handling others. i have always thought it was about asking patients questions, and diagnosing them, perform some simple exams, or difficult procedures. i have forgotten all the tiny details you have to take into considerations. like having to confirm and re-confirm your drugs and data countless times with so many people. having to write down a lot of things. all the details really, that may seem irrelevant to you.

but most importantly, what i thought most about was how our Deen has taught us of acceptance; of Qada' and Qadar. in life, not everything is perfect. we all know that. and we ourselves can never be perfect. and we know of our imperfections, through all the mistakes that we have made. some are made after we have tried really hard to avoid it. and some mistakes are made without even us knowing about it. and the mistakes always have consequences, be it on ourselves, or others around us. and seeing that clip, i realized how easily doctors can make mistakes. not just about misdiagnosing, but sometimes misreading things, mislabelling medicines, which all may lead to harming the patient. 

but i guess that is the essence behind it all, that all you can do is really put some effort in the things that you do. buat kerja betul-betul, be careful of small details, be mindful of everything. and yet, if things happened the other way around and the blame is still on us, we learn to accept it. because Allah has Decided for it to be that way. especially in deaths. there would be so many different reasons that we can come up with on the causes of death. heart attacks, too much loss of blood, ruptured vessels etc. but deep in our hearts, i guess a Muslim should always know that, it's just his time has come. there and then. it's their time to go back to Our Creator. 

and yet, being in Malaysia pun, i'm sure ramai lagi yang belum grasp this concept. let alone if you think of Ireland. where nobody even knows what Qada and Qadar is. so other consequences follow. you might go into court for the mistakes you made, you might be sued etc. it seems unfair, but again, that's just how Allah wants it to be.

i guess what i learnt most that day was that, i'll soon be making mistakes all the time. more physical mistakes that is, because im pretty sure i'm making mistakes all the time too right now. i've heard of a person saying that doctors really do kill people. but the fact is, Allah is just using us doctors as a tool, to be a part of the reason behind those deaths, or any unwanted illnesses. because that is how Sunnatullah works too.

a part of me is scared truthfully, wondering when those time comes, will i be ready to face all of that emotions accompanying them? having to see people die before your eyes, and being a part of the reason behind them all. letting the patient's hopes down, when you tell them that they will be paralyzed for life? fuh, scary. but another part of me is excited too. wondering how much will i learn. how much will it strengthen me inside? most importantly, will it make my iman stronger? wallahua'lam, but i pray they would.

i know i have mentioned this countless times. but i really want to be a doctor. helping others is a part of it, definitely. cari makan pun of course is another part of it. but most importantly it's to help myself. because it is a known fact, that with the right intention, it is definitely a job that brings you closer to Allah. how can it not?

when deaths, hopelessness, and mistakes are all there in front of you; 

constantly reminding you every second 
that in Allah is where we should all put our trust in. 

not the pills, 

not the stethoscope, 

and definitely not the white-coats.

to You, please make me a doctor. a good Muslimah doctor, please?

ameen. :) *tolong ameenkan ye.hehe*

24th January 2012

White Coat Ceremony. 

marking the start of the final half of medicine.

with the PMC kids who will be leaving us soon. huhu T,T

will be with them for another 2.5 years, insyaAllah.

yours truly,

one who's always praying the white-coat stays on :) ameen.