at this very moment, abah is at the 'gift shop' i guess. it's a surprise for mama he had been planning for many weeks now. only kakak and me knows, *and the world i guess, considering im writing about this pretty bluntly*. abe and lin? oblivious of course. sadly as i might be, abe is not a fan of my blog. but he does drop by occasionally, and calling me afterwards saying things like 'rindu adik abe'. ^,^

so back to the story; as calm as he might try to be, both kakak and me knows that he is VERYY much excited. i was laughing by myself, seeing abah buying a card for mama senyap-senyap. and almost got caught the other day when he was trying to write in it. on the other hand, we should all be thankful that mama is a very innocent ibu. abah kept on dropping hints now and then, to the extent i asked him to stop. really. i was scared mama can sense it. but just yesterday i casually started a conversation with mama, asking about things related to the present. alhamdulillah. her innocence makes all things easier for us. hehehe. she still thinks abah will never buy it. (",)

so abah is pretty much excited. last week he asked me to help him decorate the gift. winking here and there, wanting to use some of kakak's wedding leftovers: ribbons, flowers. being a busy me (busy la sangat.huhu) only yesterday i looked into the box for the ribbons and stuff, only to know that abah has already taken it all. haha. abah is veryy sweet to mama. but it's still hard to imagine abah doing all the decorating stuff cuz he's never one to do those kind of things much. he's more of a sweet dad in a protective kind of way.

and just now before he left the house, he actually took the whole box of ribbons with him! i prayed mama didnt notice the missing box. (i put my handbag and some books there). anyway, mama's reciting Quran in the living room right now. so ill try and lure her to go the kitchen after this. the final strategy. to divert mama's attention so that she won't hear abah's coming back.

at 52, they are still making surprises for one another. i wish i'd be like that someday too. knowing that, the key to it all is Allah. the happiness that we all look for, is Allah's. love itself, is Allah's to give. we can seek for it, doing all the things that we learn from experiences, from sunnah, but in the end, Allah will be the one to plant love in our heart.

so to those youngsters out there seeking for love from opposite sexes, trust me, those aren't real love. real love is Allah's to give. associating it with sins, is a prove that the love we have is not real. bisikan Mr Merah semata-mata. so yakinla, and put the right effort with the guidance from the Quran and Sunnah. if tak tahu, tanye orang yang lebih berilmu cara betul ni macam mana.

do it the right way, start this beautiful journey the right way, then insyaAllah, at 52, 62, 72 or even 102! you can still cutely make surprises for one another, and you can still feel the love just like the day when Mr Right said..."aku terima nikahnya...."

it's Allah's to give. and the best love is always His Love.
and, here i am, already behind schedule! gotta GO!!

ps: it's white too! (",)


facing reality

is not easy.

there is one reality that i have always been scared of. 
scared to talk about
 scared of even thinking about.

losing the people i depend on.
losing the people i love.

even as a little girl, i have always been one who worries about this most of my time. at 4, abah said i constantly call whenever abah mama went driving a bit further away from home."abah duk mano ni? mama balik bilo ni?" .The constant nagging they missed most about my baby-era. this 'nagging' continues on.

growing up, i ease myself by always being there with the people i worry about the most. kalau long-distance drives, i always make sure that ill be with them. kelantan - kl. kelantan - johor. 14 was the age i didnt join them in one. i was worried like hell. a feeling i hate so much.

and now im 20. and by now i've read about deaths here and there. scared of it, yes. definitely. when i talk about having to face my own death, it's the first thing that i feel. but whenever i think about this reality, i rarely wanna talk about it. even if i did, the tears will be streaming down like crazy. right now, for example.

i read an entry in this blog, his words hit me.

 " kerana dahulu pernah aku terlintas, bagaimana nanti kalau salah seorang daripada kita dipanggil Allah? Ketika itu bukan sahaja hati benci merasanya, tetapi fikiran dikunci daripada memikirkannya.. Ya Allah, benci betul rupanya kita kepada realiti. Angkuh betul kita dengan pinjaman Allah. Seolah-olah isteri, suami, ibu,bapa, anak-anak dan lain-lain itu benar-benar kepunyaan kita..."

Angkuh. subhanallah. Ya Allah, im still so far away from you. because no matter how many times i remind myself that my love towards You, towards Rasulullah should always be more than anything else; im still very much reluctant to give back what's rightfully yours. to the extent that i even hate thinking about it. 

but im coping and learning. the thought that eventually we will all be parted, still makes me terribly sad. it's something that we are always expecting, yet something that we never ask for, let alone hope for. ya Allah, im preparing myself. for all the things that You promised will happen. im trying to be ready, but not knowing if i'll ever be ready when the time really comes. 

but all i hope and pray for, is that i will always go back to You; whatever happens. losing the people who i think i love, who i think i depend on, is actually insignificant, if compared to losing the One who i should really love, and the One that i really depend on.

still, with Your Love and Your Rahmat, i pray that my parting with my loved ones, is only for a short time. and as for now, i kept going back to the promise i made with them:

"Let's meet again in Jannah"

i find strength in these simple words. simple yet very deep. so i pray that You will help me and my loved ones and everybody else, keep this promise. Ameen.

ps: dunia ni persinggahan.. and yet here i am worrying about it.. :'(


best la..

reading some of my friends' blogs.
was laughing by myself again.
(and citer balik kat abah cuz the laugh triggered him to ask) 

funny. witty. but never empty. 
there's always a point they're trying to make. 
(or maybe points)

be it belajar bersungguh-sungguh.
be it berdoa kepada Allah.
be it jaga hati ibu bapa.
dan sewaktu dengannya.

reading their blogs, leading to me thinking. "bile la nak tulis pendek-pendek sikit?"
cuz even when i decide, "ok this time, im gonna write about this and this..shortly.'
yet, it ends up with 4-5 paragraphs. a problem i had eversince sekolah rendah.
teringat arwah cikgu fatmah selalu komen sambil cek essay:

"izyan. jangan panjang-panjang. nanti rugi masa. 
saya takut awak rugi markah buat kesalahan tatabahasa pulak"

come to think of it. all my teachers complained a bit about this.

haih. but different people, different way of expressing themselves aite?
panjang ke pendek. janji the words are not a waste.
words of berpesan-pesan kepada kebenaran. 
InsyaAllah. ^,^

even if somewhere someone out there is bored of my writings,
"panjang, letih mau baca"
the angels beside me will always read my words one by one.
apatah lagi Allah yang Maha Teliti itu. =)

so. all is well.


jatuh cinta lagi....

with pink+grey combination..
obsessed sungguh.
ape-ape hal.
ni confirm2 my wedding punye theme colour.

tu pun kalau umur panjang..
[tu pun kalau ade orang nak]
ok. pasrah dengan takdir.

back focusing on the present.
esok nuzul Quran.
nak bace balik cerita Rasulullah tercayang. :')

ps: erk...da 2.22am. tido lewat lagi.
pagi tadi terdozed off mase tengah berdoa.
tapi bile sahur lepas tu segar pulak. ;P



baru tengah type sikit-sikit post baru. 
mama yang tengah buat kerja kat meje di tepi tanya pasal monthly allowance. 
nak tolong saving katenye. so bagitahu mama lebih kurang penggunaan duit. 
dapat la lebih kurang berapa banyak boleh save.

tibe-tibe mama tanye pasal phonebills. 
around _ _ i spent for international calls. 
erti kata lain, call rumah. mama kata ni macam banyak. 
kurangkan la. call abah mama seminggu sekali je ke. 
"memang yan ade call seminggu sekali. that's why yan cakap lama sikit". 
sebab dulu mama ade pesan jangan cakap lama-lama. rugi duit. 

tup tup mama tengah cakap kurang situ sini, tibe-tibe hati sedih. 
lama-lama bibir da cebik-cebik, mama perasan. 
"eh, yan ok ke sayang?" mama tanya lagi la. 
vroomm air mata mengalir. T,T 
"nanti kejap mama. mama tengok lain. nanti yan lagi sedih. 
yan pun tak sure bakpo ni." tahan tahan. 

sedang type ni tengah legakan hati sikit. 
susah nak cakap jugak kenapa nanges. 
fikir-fikir dapat jawapan. 
family. kenapa jimat untuk family?
 telefon je pun. ade orang sanggup sampai mak ayah bimbang apa khabar la anak die. 
anak perempuan pulak tu, duduk jauh. entah apa yang dibuat. 

kalau save kat phonebills sekadar nak simpan duit. untuk ape? 
beli kereta buat balik malaysia? 
takpe la. entah umur cukup panjang ke tak nak wat balik BMW wut-not. 

anak mama takpe la tak bawak balik kereta pun. 
janji boleh update abah mama selalu. cerita itu ini. 
yan nyanyi lagu ape dalam bilik pun yan nak cerita. 
cerita tersadung kaki sorang-sorang time nak pegi kelas pun yan nak cerita. 
janji, i hear your voices all the time.

kereta BMW? takpe. 
nanti yan cari same-same ngan husband yan. 
anak mama naik kereta kecik pun tak kisah. 

ni baru belajar jauh-jauh. 
belum ade lagi family and other responsibilities. 
da susah nak call parents sendiri. 
nanti macam mana?

sorry mama. :'( buat mama terkejut pulak. 

ps: abah balik masjid, mama cerita apa jadi. 
and ade budak cebik2 balik. 
bosan. mata da bengkak.
izyan izyan. bile mau berubah? da tua bangka. 



"Berdoa bukan untuk memberitahu Allah apa yang kita pinta, 
kerana tanpa diberitahu pun, Allah sedia mengetahui.
Doa ialah pengabdian daripada seorang hamba kepada Tuhannya"
[majalah Solusi; isu no.22]

When i read this quotation, it brought some sort of ketenangan deep in my heart. i have always been one to say: Allah Knows better. alhamdulillah, my experiences pretty much taught me this lesson over and over again. that Allah always Knows best. but this quotation seems to push me further deep into a calm state i guess.

i still have a lot of things that i need to improve on. and doa is definitely one of them. maybe this, is experienced by many others out there, and not just me. you know, just right after solat, and there you are, with your hands in front of you, seriously imagining that Allah is watching over and waiting, trying to tell everything you want to tell, to ask everything that your heart yearns for.

i laughed remembering how a friend of mine (miss i**h) acts back how she ended up in her doa. kalut, she said. kalut cuz there's a HUGE amount of things you wanna ask for. for yourself, your parents, your siblings, your family, your friends, fellow muslimin and muslimat, the people in Gaza, dunya, your Hereafter. adoi. endless.

so going back to the quotation, it's a calming reminder aint it? i guess there's soo much i wanna ask of Him, that i ended up forgetting a very clear fact:

He Already Knows.

so now, even though i still ask for a lot in my doa, i started the whole thing off by calming myself. telling Him in a way that i already know that He Knows everything, that He Knows more about my secrets and my needs more than i myself know. So this is just me, a servant of Him, trying to tell Him things that He already Know. But, knowing that, i still wanna tell Him. other words, i just want His Attention. hehe. tak salah pun kan?

and, even if i have to end my doa without having to finish off all the things that i want to tell and ask of Him, it's okay. cuz He still Knows. and the best part would be at the end of the doa, where again, all i do is not ask of Him to qabulkan all my doa there and then. but knowing that He Knows better, so i only asked Him to  qabulkan all my prayers, only and only if, they can make me closer to Him.

Dont you think that Allah always makes it easy for us Muslims? Tawakkal. Leave everything to Him. while all we need to do is just put our feet forward, and just usaha + doa. 

"Jika hambaKu bertanyakan kamu (Muhammad) tentang Aku,
maka sesungguhnya Aku dekat.
Aku Kabulkan permohonan orang yang berdoa
apabila dia berdoa kepada-Ku.
Hendaklah mereka itu memenuhi (perintah)-Ku 
dan beriman kepada-Ku, agar mereka memperoleh kebenaran."

Allah sentiasa dekat. tapi kenapa kita selalu jauhkan diri? :'(


percaya & yakin

i may be wrong, but i may also be right; so bear with me. this is just my reflection session.

yesterday's usrah, i was given an analogy (which i believe i have once heard of, but never really understood, thus not remembering it). the analogy: the difference between yakin and percaya.

let say you are standing with me at the edge of a cliff overseeing the ocean. huge rocks below with the waves crashing. well, perhaps the one like the twilight movie? and there's a huge - "DONT JUMP! YOU'LL DEFINITELY DIE" sign. so then i told you, if you jump, i definitely will grab your hand. so knowing me (let's just pretend i'm a very nice person who loves you soooo much...tapi if tak selesa you can pretend it's someone else..wuwu), you'll say: saya percaya. but the question is, will you jump? cuz if you jump, only then it shows that you truly believe in me. thus, making you a true believer. (percaya + yakin). grasp the concept?

i believe that understanding the concept of 'percaya + yakin' is a very important basis for us Muslims. looking back, once, i did question, what makes a true Muslim? Is it just believing that Allah exists? being a small kid, you dont usually think too deep. and then we learned about Rukun Iman and Rukun Islam at school, and shallow-mindedly enough, i thought that, i'm definitely a Muslim, cuz i believe.

In the Rukun Iman, it states clearly,"percaya..percaya..percaya". (some people used beriman..beriman..beriman.. so this varies) I think this is what makes us not good enough in practicing Islam as a way of life, nowadays. why? because we think that percaya is enough. percaya is safe. percaya makes you a good-enough-Muslim. 

before i get carried away, im not saying that percaya sahaja doesnt make you a Muslim. mind you, who am i to judge this? i myself am just a rookie in understanding my own religion, my own beliefs. this is just my own reflection, to be shared with others. now back to the session (",)

so, i think that percaya alone makes you not good enough. why? let's go back to one of the Rukun Iman. "percaya kepada hari Qiamat". everybody will say: "ye.saya pcaye yg hari Qiamat akan tejadi. banyak kot tanda-tanda skarg. tp insyaAllah sy rase tak akan tjadi dlm hayat idup sy ni." everybody believes that it will happen. but the question is, yakin tak?

cuz with yakin, you truly believes that it's the day that Allah kept reminding us over and over and over again in the Quran. Al-Qiyamah, Al-Infithar ...it's a constant reminder.

Apabila langit terbelah.
dan apabila bintang-bintang jatuh berserakan.
dan apabila lautan dijadikan meluap
dan apabila kubur-kuburan dibongkar
(maka) setiap jiwa akan mengetahui apa yang telah
dikerjakan dan yang dilalaikan(nya)

cuz with yakin, then you will know that along with this comes the Judgement. kita dihisab. it's all the things that we have heard about, but never really cared. because it's still far away. says who?

cuz with yakin, you'll think hard before you commit any sins. cuz only with yakin, you truly believes that every single sins you commit will be judged accordingly on that Day. the bad things you do, the worst you will get. the good things you do, the best He will Give. 

with yakin, you'll think first, before you decide to throw those babies away. before you commit zina. before you drink arak. before you scold your parents. before you make them cry. before you let others see your aurat. before committing all the sins that you kept on denying. 

with yakin, you do all the good deeds that you can think of. with yakin, you cry your heart out for His Forgiveness once you commit any sins. with yakin, you do all the right things first, instead of waiting for ikhlas. because ikhlas itself cant be measured. even the nicest person on earth can never be sure whether what they're doing is with ikhlas or not. so what's really in our mind when we say, "i wont do this and that, because i want to do it with ikhlas." what are we really waiting for? ask ourselves. 

our hearts rarely lie. i, for one is trying my best to change. trying my best to believe. and definitely trying my hardest to TRULY BELIEVE. but at the end of the day, all i can be sure of is the effort that i made. but the result will always be in His Hands. and i can only pray for the best, and yakin that, Allah Maha Pengampun, Allah Maha Penyayang. and that He Listens. 



cerita kami adik-beradik

earlier this week; (last week untuk orang klate)
abe ammar decided to come back this weekend,
as usual, keeping it a secret.
to surprise abah, mama, me and lin.

but being kakak,
she cant keep the secret to herself.
not that she cant keep secrets,
it's just that it involves a long journey,
so berkat doa mama is needed. so she told mama.

and mama, being her cute bubbly self,
cant keep the secret; hence, i know.

so the usual target is abah. (and lin.hehe)
which surprisingly one day, out of the blue,said:
"abah rasa expectant. macam ade orang nak balik."
and he waved the idea off.
while mama was busy cuit-cuit me under the table.
yan buat tak tau menggapai kueh atas meja,
worrying abah will sense. *huhu*

i talked to kakak and mama.
so abe is not coming back. *sob2*
he's a bit busy. coming back is definitely tiring for him.
kesian abe. no pressure. plus, he has a lot of 'hari cuti' left.
so perhaps he can come back early before raya.

the day finally comes. due to some problems, 
kakak said she'll be arriving a bit late. around 1 am.
she'll be breaking fast at raub, at her mom-in-law's.

me and mama kept our cool that day.
im happy imagining how happy abah will be.
*cuz he's already sad counting days till im off back to dublin*

but mama, being a devoted mom,
who worries that her children will be travelling in the middle of the night,
felt that she cant keep the secret no more.
suddenly masa berbuka "mama oyat ko abah deh?"

imagine my chaotic mind trying to cover the whole thing up!
thankfully, my controlled-outside-self managed to change the topic
and with some tricks here and there, abah remain oblivious.

but then, oblivious to me and mama, 
abah made a phone call to abe after tarawikh.
abe tersalah cakap about kakak coming back.

abah syak, made a phone call to kakak.
and managed to confirm his syak wasangka.
both kakak and abe still not knowing that they had failed the plan. *huhu*

nearing 1am, i cant handle the sleepiness no more. 
then kakak text me saying she has arrived.
it never occurred to me that abah actually sense this,
considering abah was still outside watching Discovery.
cuz usually he would already sleep when it's nearing 12.

so in the end, abah was not that surprised. though still very very happy.
(he cant stop smiling everytime we attempted these surprises)
i went downstairs with abah.

in return, i was totally surprised to see ABE!
excited excited~ 

then everybody went to sleep. 
mama went out to see kakak and abe ammar.
abe somehow managed to slip pass all that.
nak surprise mama the next morning.

sahur the next day, tengah lipat-lipat kain sembahyang,
i heard mama's surprised exclamation in the kitchen.
"abe da jumpe mama la tu"

so, basically everybody tried to surprise one another,
and ended up being surprised ourself.

but the one that remain oblivious to ALL these things,
is baby lin. who seems very composed with all the commotion.
haha. cute.

this tradition of us adik beradik has been going on a few years back.
trying to surprise mama and abah, by sneakily coming back.
be it with the car, or bus, or even flight. 
the first time; was by kakak. during her university days.
the crazy one; was last february.when i came back for kakak's wedding.

eventhough we have done this sooo many times,
while trying very hard to improvise our plan here and there;
one thing for sure is, our surprises never fail to make them totally happy.
biarpun balik 2 hari je. 

so today they will be going back. isk2.
moral of this long story is; make our parents happy.
cuz we love them with all our heart. ^,^

"Keredhaan Allah terletak pada keredhaan ibubapa,
kemurkaan Allah terletak pada kemurkaan ibubapa."
[Riwayat At-Tirmizi]
abah + mama overseeing Lake Toba
ps: happy 28th anniv (",)

them admiring Allah's creation at Subuh. before being disturbed by anak-anak stalker
from the next verandah with disturbing "phewittt" sounds. haha

ps: to be able to write this kind of entry, i am forever thankful to Allah for His Blessings and His Love. because for all i know, a friend i love is trying her best to cope with her loss. my prayers will always be with her and her family. stay strong dear, Allah is always there for you.


tok lekat unjak

tok lekat unjak. this is how kelantanese express someone who is indecisive. to be more specific, someone who kept changing their decisions, i guess? bear with me, im not a good klate-vocab-guru. usually, it's a negative remark. so far, i think i am not someone whom one can call 'tok lekat unjak'. err, at least i think i am. yes, sometimes it took me ages to make a decision, *usually when it involves fighting my al-hawa* but usually once i made one, i rarely turn back.

ok.i guess my attempt to deny this fact is obvious now. for this particular case, i fall under the 'tok lekat unjak' category. changing my blog name every now and then. (actually only once). but im changing it back now. kembali kepada asal. as much as i love awan, i think i'm so used to being a chocolatelover when i'm writing. hence, the lack of ideas. (alasan semata-mata)

nevertheless, my awan collections are still piling up. i am still an 'awan lover' at heart. as for my entries, actually i have so much in my mind right now. so much to share. but the right words are not coming out. if i tell all, the words might get all tangled up. tak faham pulak. anyways, i'd like to take this opportunity to promote certain things i'm into this near-ending summer holidays.

1. Radio IKIM
2. Majalah SOLUSI. 

these 2 things, along with al-Quran, solat sunat and other ibadah insyaAllah; never fails to fill my heart so far. alhamdulillah. let us make the best out of this Ramadhan shall we? wallahua'lam. 

ps: watched TV the other day. sakit kepala. "Bukan Pintaku" was a very weird tele-movie. a lot to ponder upon. no more TV. sob2. T,T

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