there is one reality that i have always been scared of.
scared to talk about
scared of even thinking about.
losing the people i depend on.
losing the people i love.
even as a little girl, i have always been one who worries about this most of my time. at 4, abah said i constantly call whenever abah mama went driving a bit further away from home."abah duk mano ni? mama balik bilo ni?" .The constant nagging they missed most about my baby-era. this 'nagging' continues on.
growing up, i ease myself by always being there with the people i worry about the most. kalau long-distance drives, i always make sure that ill be with them. kelantan - kl. kelantan - johor. 14 was the age i didnt join them in one. i was worried like hell. a feeling i hate so much.
and now im 20. and by now i've read about deaths here and there. scared of it, yes. definitely. when i talk about having to face my own death, it's the first thing that i feel. but whenever i think about this reality, i rarely wanna talk about it. even if i did, the tears will be streaming down like crazy. right now, for example.
i read an entry in this blog, his words hit me.
" kerana dahulu pernah aku terlintas, bagaimana nanti kalau salah seorang daripada kita dipanggil Allah? Ketika itu bukan sahaja hati benci merasanya, tetapi fikiran dikunci daripada memikirkannya.. Ya Allah, benci betul rupanya kita kepada realiti. Angkuh betul kita dengan pinjaman Allah. Seolah-olah isteri, suami, ibu,bapa, anak-anak dan lain-lain itu benar-benar kepunyaan kita..."
Angkuh. subhanallah. Ya Allah, im still so far away from you. because no matter how many times i remind myself that my love towards You, towards Rasulullah should always be more than anything else; im still very much reluctant to give back what's rightfully yours. to the extent that i even hate thinking about it.
but im coping and learning. the thought that eventually we will all be parted, still makes me terribly sad. it's something that we are always expecting, yet something that we never ask for, let alone hope for. ya Allah, im preparing myself. for all the things that You promised will happen. im trying to be ready, but not knowing if i'll ever be ready when the time really comes.
but all i hope and pray for, is that i will always go back to You; whatever happens. losing the people who i think i love, who i think i depend on, is actually insignificant, if compared to losing the One who i should really love, and the One that i really depend on.
still, with Your Love and Your Rahmat, i pray that my parting with my loved ones, is only for a short time. and as for now, i kept going back to the promise i made with them:
"Let's meet again in Jannah"
i find strength in these simple words. simple yet very deep. so i pray that You will help me and my loved ones and everybody else, keep this promise. Ameen.
ps: dunia ni persinggahan.. and yet here i am worrying about it.. :'(