there is a big hole inside of me

Allah took back what is His to begin with.
and time will heal it.

Allahyarham Adnan bin Che Zainab
my Pak Ngoh

a part of me has been taken away yesterday. a part of us family has been taken away yesterday. But we can't be too sad, for we all know that you are definitely in a better place right now. cuz you have nothing against anyone. and nobody has anything against you. you left us suddenly. terkilan i should say. even though  it might have been expected to end this way; we humans will never know for sure. astaghfirullah..=(

Allah waited for 2 more weeks before taking you, i guess. In a way, alhamdulilllah. I would be more devastated if i didn't even get some time to spend with you. cuz in my prayers all those while in Dublin, i worried most if i didn't get to see you or Che. to think that you were asking for me all those while when you were not well a few weeks back, im very thankful for the 2 weeks Allah gave me; and you. One of my last jokes with you was: "Pak Ngoh, yan ni bukey doctor lagi tau." *while you let me take a look at your swollen feet at that time* i guess you have always known that fact, but you still let me play the doctor part with you.

i have my regrets. we all have our regrets (us family). if i go through all the details, there would be too much regrets. but Islam tak ajar macam tu. so it goes back to niat. insyaAllah. all the things we did, were because we care for you and we love you. this is truly from our heart.

taking care of someone who is disabled is surely not an easy task. i guess that's why we have our regrets. Living together for so long, there are small things that we took for granted. Maybe when we were busy, tak boleh layan pak ngoh when you want to show some of the magazine cuttings; and so on. but if we kept on bugging ourselves with those things, it won't do us any good. Deep from our heart, we miss you so much.

i asked mama. berape tahun pak ngoh stayed with us? 10 years. subhanallah. i didn't count. all i know was that you have always been a part of me when i was growing up.

maybe because it has only been a day since Allah took you; that we kept seeing you here and there. Sitting down in your room cutting newspapers; eating your breakfast at the end of the table; seeing you walking out of the house to have your usual visits around the neighborhood; worrying that you might fall, and hurt your head;  seeing you walking around the house; stumbling at times, thus making sure you have things you can hold on to; etc. 

Yesterday seemed too surreal. finding you, and yet knowing that you're already gone early in the morning. a part of you was cold, and a part of you was still warm. wallahua'lam. we kept wondering whether you were looking for us till the last minutes, but these thoughts are especially the ones that broke our heart. tak boleh fikir sangat. it really breaks our heart. enough to know that, whatever it is, insyaAllah it was easy for you. insyaAllah. insan istimewa. that was who you were. istimewa in every way. and that is who you will remain in our heart insyaAllah.

abah mama kakak abe yan and lin miss you so much. and everybody else too. definitely. 

to anyone who reads this post, pohon sedekahkan al-Fatihah kepada arwah. jzkk.

ps: abah asked me to open Pak Ngoh's wallet this morning. and i found a picture of me at the front. a big, big part of me is missing. but insyaAllah, ill try my best, to meet everyone back in Jannah. insyaAllah.. 

Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajioon



i will always try my best to be just like you
but all along knowing that i will fail. wuwu.. T,T
cuz you're my superMOM.

you're not a superMoM
just because you cook exotic meals;
or just because you clean the house till all the floors squeak;
or just because you do all the motherly chores that other mothers do too;
*but of course all the kids in the world thinks 
their mothers does it better than others;
which i definitely DO TOO!!*

Mama is my superMoM;
you're always there uplifting my spirit when im down;
you're always the one laughing at your childrens' 
lame jokes and badut acts;
you're always the cute one cheering when we sing with abah;
you'll forever be Abah's lifeline;
you'll forever be my lifeline;
well, you're everybody's lifeline.

i love you for all the reasons above and so much more;
but most importantly,
i love you mama
cuz i know without your prayers, (as well as Abah's)
us siblings; will never be where we are today
and thank you for constantly reminding us of Him

*kisses and hugs*
thank you Allah
for giving me a chance to be Mama's daughter.
happy birthday mama
i love you

*berlari-lari anak nak gi urut kaki mama*



I was at my parents' office the other day. Pretty much bored so i borrowed a magazine from Kak Wani (abahmama's secretary). Magazine: InTrend. But then, as i was flipping through the pages mindlessly, i was feeling sick with every turn. *haih...* My conclusion from what i read and what i saw:

**picture is removed as it showed a muslim malaysian actress wearing
a dress similar to another Hollywood girl.
the purpose for this entry below. 
who knows, the girl actress might wear something better than us one day.
so i see no point to put her picture here.**
(am learning from mistakes)

See these pictures? more or less these are the pictures i found in the mag. Let's check out their similarities and differences aite?

they look alike 
(the usual responses would be:..fuhh..muke same ngan hollywood actresses)
lovely dresses...i guess
pretty much everything the eyes can see

A Muslim and a non-Muslim
One who KNOWS the existance of Heaven and Hell 
and one that...might not believe as much
one that might confuse people with who Muslims really are..
and one that doesn't confuse others about their religion as much..
well, you guys get my point right?

I guess Malaysia is too full of...hm...*now now yan.. what's the appropriate word?* err..damages shall i say? Too many damages which cant possibly be undone in  a few days. But we Muslims believe that it will all turn out just fine; before the final turning point. InsyaAllah. Tanggungjawab kene diteruskan. Right? In order for Malaysia to live up to its name as an Islamic country. And in order for us to live up to the name as a Muslim.
'Dan ingatlah) ketika Tuhan-mu Berfirman kepada para malaikat, "Aku hendak menjadikan khalifah di Bumi..." '
(Al-Baqarah: 30) 

But one thing for sure is, it doesn't start with naming a cat.

Yours truly;
insan demotivated bile bace magazine and paper Malaysia..


happy birthday sist

keep on being happy. cuz you know it makes me happy too. 
thinking back, i'm very much thankful for all the things that had happened.
Allah works wonders right?
and the only thing He wanted us to do is 
only to keep our promises with Him.
let's do just that okay?

happy 27th
keep on piling the weight
let me be the thin one instead
*hugs + kisses*

going back in time? hehe~~



11th may: i got a message in my facebook. someone with the name of Pengumpul ex-Islahian or something. He/she mentioned about wanting to have a reunion and intending to melawat cikgu Fatmah. i was curious. "melawat? cikgu sakit ke?" but it slipped my mind. i was having my finals at that time, and right after that i was busy. i didn't actually find a time to find out what actually happened to cikgu. [something that ive been regretting ever since..]

24th may: after a very hectic 2 weeks, i was finally in london. so i took a quick peek in my facebook again. and a picture made my heart dropped. i read all the comments, but didnt register much of them. seeing the sight of cikgu fatmah lying in the hospital bed makes me feel empty inside. i couldn't quite explain to my friends how i felt; they didn't know who she was. And there i was, in london, about to start my so-called travel with my fellow friends. i felt a bit helpless that night. i wish so bad that i was back home, cuz deep inside i wanted to see her. i made a promise to myself that im going to visit her right when im back home.

28th may: i reached Leeds. it was a tiring trip. decided to check my facebook again. and this time, i read a news that seems to dig a big hole in my heart.

"Salam..cikgu fatmah telah kembali ke rahmatullah pada jam 1.50 pagi tadi..semoga roh beliau dicucuri rahmat..al-Fatihah"

This time, Ainol, my schoolmate ever since islah was here. i told her the news and broke down in front of her. teachers; i've realized how much they actually mean to me now that I've lost one. i wish all my teachers, from Islah, Naim, PC to KMB would know how much they mean to me. as for Cikgu Fatmah, the last time i met her was only a few years back. she was the same bubbly exciting teacher like she has always been when i was in standard 6. now, not being able to meet her for the last time, breaks my heart.

i called abah just now and he told me he went to the funeral with my little sister. [arwah cikgu Fatmah also taught lin] and abah told me how Lin was that day. She went only with abah. So she ended up going into the house alone. none of her friends were there i guess. and she recited surah Yassin with the teachers. Abah said that lin was sad, since she have been wanting to go to the hospital to visit arwah Cikgu, but abah was a bit busy. I broke down in the phone, as abah told me what Lin said in the car on the way back from arwah cikgu Fatmah's house: 

"now i know how it feels like to lose someone you love"

As for Cikgu Fatmah, i will remember her all my life. and so does all the teachers that i have been privileged enough to meet. I wish i could've gone back in time and meet her again, show her my gratitude, for all the ilmu and support that she had given me when i was a kid. make her proud  as a teacher. show her that her student is insyaAllah doing fairly well in life; cuz i know that is what a teacher hopes for in a student. and i really want her to know that she's one of the main pillars that built me and my fellow friends, ending up where we are today.

but all that is left for me to do now is pray for you. 
From Him we came, and to Him we return. 
Semoga roh cikgu dicucuri rahmat. 
I pray that we'll meet again in Jannah. 

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