fikir. sejuk. kosong.

i have nothing else to do. thank god my brain is still functioning. but letting just the brain do its works doesn't make my days any better.

fikiran 1:
cold. dark. gloomy. that is how dublin is. and im here. not knowing what to do. how come before the holidays i listed a lot of things to do, but now that i have the time, seems like im not in the mood to do much anymore. humans. you want things when you dont have it. and when you have it you want other things. ok. i dont know what im talking about.

fikiran 2:
after pms, i have no other plans. except for the 13th of course. (going to disneyland. im not sure how that  will turn out, but i hope it won't be too cold there for me to enjoy my time). anyways, ive spent a good few days watching movies. some that i have always wanted to watch, some that ive heard of before, some i just came across. then i grew tired. (yes, the movies were interesting and all). but when i do these stuff, at the back of my mind, i always think "don't you have better things to do?". the answer is; i do. but yet,  here i am. doing the not-better things. which i know doesnt get me anywhere.

fikiran 3:
i am amazed by the kids who are able to read Quran very3 beautifully, but why am i watching 3 movies consecutively instead. and watch 'mari bertarannum' for only 1/2 hour yesterday?
i was jealous of those who memorize by heart all the histories of Islam etc. yet, i went on reading novels for hours at a time, and only searched for kisah-kisah sahabat etc when i feel like it. 
i was envious of those who're able to do Qiam often, yet my effort in waking up in the night is never enough. i slept at 3-4am. how CAN i wake up? i knew i was not trying hard enough, and still, i haven't change much.

i guess it's true, one of the greatest jihad, is jihad melawan nafsu. 
which i am really bad at.
*as if it's not already obvious* 
adoi.. i need strength. ~sigh~

"Apakah kamu mengira bahawa kamu akan masuk syurga, padahal belum nyata bagi Allah orang-orang yang berjihad di antara kamu, dan belum nyata orang-orang yang sabar"


a new year, a new start

Kita kadang-kadang selalu tak sedar nikmat yang telah kita peroleh. Unless if we sit down, screw our eyes shut and list them down. But if we really3 knew what they are, it'll be a never-ending one. as for me, last year alone, He gave me so many things. Some i have dreamt of long enough, some i have prayed for, and some that i never thought of. To think that all of it happened in one year, i couldn't believe it. but they did. no words can describe how i feel except, Alhamdulillah. so im taking some time off to reflect. Last year;

You gave me us understanding and faith
You gave us strength to do the right thing
Your Love is what we are all looking for 
now and always

the IB
you gave me more than what i wanted
not just me, but my friends as well 

*graduation IB KMB 07/09*

i dreamt of going there; 
when i was 15, 
i wrote down in my diary,
before i reach 30, i have to be there ONCE. (if i was lucky enough)
then, You invited me even before i reached 20
and not just me, but ALL of the most important people in my life. 

*at masjid Nabawi: umrah family 2009*

it was a stressful time
i pray that You'd take away her sadness
and You did
and gave more

*engagement kakak: 25.07.09*

i dreamt of coming to ireland for many years
once, you made me think that i had to let this dream go
but no, You always had your ways in the end
i guess it was only to give me some lessons and reminders
(not just ireland, you even gave me UCD.hee)

*aidiladha in ireland*
Ar-Rahman: 77-78
"Maka nikmat Tuhan-mu yang manakah yang kamu dustakan? Maha Suci nama Tuhan-mu Pemilik Keagungan dan Kemuliaan"

ps: salam maal hijrah 


jatuh cinta

saje je.

im falling in love with songs by maher zain. 
especially the ones im putting in this blog.
that's about it. 


timeless time

i dedicate this post to my sayang:

time. i have learnt my lesson numerous time already that if i had the chance to be involve with any islamic programs i should just grab it. why? because the numerous time i chose other things over it, it would end up with me wasting time or doing things that im not even sure of why im doing it. *ye..sampai tahap itu skali*

a lot of us kept on dwelling to choose between study OR any dakwah event. *maybe not all, but many dwell on it* trust me, the one who's helping us dwelling is nobody else than syaitan, encik merah himself. right when we have the choices to make, encik merah will make us worry and he'll whisper all the cons of going to the dakwah event. And then right when he succeeded in helping us make the 'right' decision, he'll straight away continue making us regret it, when it is too late to change the decision. And by the end of it all, he will laugh at our face (tanpa kita tahu) and said: "sape suruh ikut aku?" - *senang giler keje die*

so what we have to understand is HOW time works. truth is, the time that we have for all the right things - gi tazkirah, usrah, smayang sunat, bace Quran, going for talks on Islam etc - is always enough. these are the time that Allah gave us. it is a Rahmat. it's His Blessings. remember that not all people are given these countless opportunities to join such things. 

then let say IF we go to these programmes, and by the  end of it all, it affect us in one way or another. a simple analogy would be, ~ you have an exam tomorrow. a very difficult one that you havent finished studying yet, but still, knowing it's the right thing, you went for your usrah. then by the end of it all, you were tired to continue studying, thus you did quite badly for your test~ right then and then, encep merah will come and straightaway bisik "tu la..sape suruh pegi usrah. kan da fail exam?"

truth is, the time spent for the usrah is NOT to be BLAMED. but the time spent for other things - berbual dgn kawan for that 10minutes, usya youtube, masuk facebook comment situ sini- are the time that you have spent wrongly, and should have been for your study instead. but we never really realize that. because encik merah is always there to make us forget. and he will make us remember how precious time is, whenever we want to do things that is close to Allah.

reflect. 5minutes of bacaan Quran seems very long. *mind you, tu baru 2 pages. sket kot* but 2 hours of facebooking went by without us even noticing it. my point of this all is, never blame the time spent for HIM. because that is a blessing actually. 

in my case, we have a biochemistry paper the other day, which i havent finished reading. *gara-gara last minute studying. tidak elok untuk dicontohi ok?* yet, all of us still spend the time for usrah that night. what happened then? During the exam, i was very much relaxed. no resah gelisah. that is a feeling He gave me. why? because that night i know i needed Him more than ever. i know i will never finish what i was reading. and i cant memorize all of it. so i need Him. that's why i need to spend some time with Him. (usrah tu la) And i know He was there with me during the exam. mind you, attending the usrah neither makes the questions any easier nor did it made me remember all the things that i should. but the feeling of ease is how i know that He is still with me. it's more than enough right? Alhamdulillah for that. (^,^)

ps: and jangan study last minute. =) *harapan untuk score biochem tak menggunung*

i think, therefore i blog

saya suka membaca apa-apa cerita yang orang tulis. sebab? banyak yang boleh kite relate in the end. sejak ada program malam2 ni, rasa banyak sangat input yang dapat. kadang-kadang rasa otak bercelaru jugak, terlalu banyak benda yang kene ubah. tapi, kalau difikirkan betul2, saya ni untung. ada orang takde peluang pun untuk berubah. takde peluang pun untuk berbincang atau berfikir ke arah benda yang lebih baik.

back to my point. pada suatu hari, masuklah blog saifulislam. *sila tekan disini untuk keterangan lebih lanjut* basically abu saif membincangkan tentang anonymity. senangnya kita nak berkata-kata dalam dunia maya a.k.a internet ni, tanpa dicondemn oleh sesiapa. *terasa jugak sikit-sikit, pernah ade dulu satu zaman saya bergerak secara anonymous*

back to my point lagi *ampun.tak pandai berkata2* Bila bace artikel tu, terkesan dengan ayat berikut: 

Setiap kali jari menaip, huruf-huruf yang keluar itu semuanya pasti menjadi satu antara dua. Sama ada ia menjadi pahala yang membekal diri menuju Syurga, atau menjadi butir bara dosa yang menyalakan api Neraka. Tiada yang pergi bagai debu tanpa sebarang nilai.  

awal2 buat blog ni, seriuz tak fikir mendalam sangat pun. hanya niat nak share al-kisah hidupku kepada orang2 tersayang. dan sape2 yang terjenguk kat kawasan ni. then, feeling tu tibe2 develop kepada nak share kisah2 yang membina in my life. as in any life-changing experiences ke. or apa2 lah. tapi, feeling tu tak cukup kuat. cuz rasa dah banyak save drafts pasal kisah2 best yang saya alami, tapi tak publish. kenapa? sebab rasa diri ini tak layak. banyak lagi nak ubah sebelum mampu menyentuh hati orang. hati sendiri belum mampu dijaga. baca blog-blog orang yang membina suda..*detik hatiku yang kecik ini*

tapi, this statement sort of changes everything. saya terfikir balik. apa guna spend time lama2 dalam website ni. susah2 mengedit background, lagu, susunan dan sebagainya kasi blog jadi comel dan pinky dan cute untuk ditengok; tapi hanya untuk dibaca oleh seseorang, then terus dia bergerak ke blog seterusnya tanpa sebarang kesan. tak pun, kesian lak kat orang lain, if dia masuk blog kite, bace post kite then terdetus 'ntah pape giler' lalu free2 mendapat dosa cuz perkataan 'giler' yang digunakan. *hehe..analogy je la* tapi sebaliknya, cuba imagine, kisah yang kite share, in a very small way dapat memberi kesan kat hati orang. Allah ambik kira tau. so tak rugilah segala pengeditan dan masa yang kita guna untuk type2 dengan berhemah in the first place. insyaAllah.

layak tak layak? ive learn to put those kind of perceptions aside. the truth is, there is no such thing. selagi benda baik, semua orang layak. kadang2 bila terdetik kat hati kita nak buat benda elok, terus encik merah datang, buat kita was2.. buat kite worry dengan keikhlasan kita sendiri. senang je sebenarnya. fikir je. benda tu baik ke tak. kalau baik, go on and do it. dont dwell. seperti pengajaran kulsem malam ni 'bersegeralah* (3:133). *hehe*

Saya rasa (rasa je la, if boleh laksanakan lagi bagus..) tak perlu baca segala jenis buku agama; tak perlu menghafal hadith 40 by heart; tak perlu mempunyai tafsir Quran berwarna pink yang penuh dgn sticknotes pelbagai colour; untuk kita mengshare sesuatu benda baik dengan others. cuz yang lebih penting adalah niat. yang lebih penting adalah usaha. slow and steady. istiqamah. itu lebih baik.  (^,^)


nasi express

*lunch sambil bace2. kalut meja ngan notes.hehe*

a.k.a nasi kicap telur.

bila da exam mode, nasi kicap telur menjadi pilihan utama time lunch. hehe~ exam hari ni memeningkan. consisting of muscles, nerves, veins, arteries, tendons, movements bla3. not to mention you even have to remember the exact position of them. mane medial mane lateral. mane superficial mane deep. huu~ this is one of my note. rase2 if non-medic tgk sure gelak.

after berhempas pulas in 1 hour jawab exam, then walking+waiting for the bus for a good 30 minutes in the freezing night air, sampai la rumah at 8pm. tonite was my turn to cook. i kept asking my housmates, nak ayam+nasi+kicap or telur+nasi+kicap? *we made a deal sape kene masak time exam leh masak sesimple mungkin. tanak menyusahkan katenye* hehe. tapi bila da masuk dapur, kesian lak kat housemates tersayang. baru balik perah otak susah2, mite as well have a good meal. so jadi la menu honey fried chicken and the usual brocolli+carrot+mushroom. *harapnye kenyang ye*hehe~

but now kene perah balik otak for biochem. *sigh* -seb bek kulsem td best. sempat recharge.hee-


blink of an eye

one moment..
you need abah to even stand up straight..
he blinked.

what happened?
we grow up.

but abah,
we still need you to stand up straight.
now and always

and mama;
thank you for being the tough one.hehe~



1.15am: kami housemates menonton video ini.

*while taking a time-out with our study setelah seharian mengawal nafsu membuka laptop*

among all the videos that me and malin have watched (yes, since we're both anak jati kelantan, we were more obsessed with the news compared to pika, si anak jati kedah), this was the freakiest that i found. i think this one was very recently taken after the freak accident. *freak. yes, i would call that a freak accident*

but as freaky as it may seems, it is takdir. it is ajal. and there's nothing we can do about it. who would've thought, that you will die in a car-involved accident, INSIDE a shopping mall. if someone tells you that, would you believe it?

terkesan. that would be the right word to describe what most of us are feeling. *at least that's how me & my friends are* we wondered; how guilty the driver and the passengers might be, that they fled the scene. *at least that's what the news said* but you cant really blame them. i think it all happens for a reason. all things happens for a reason. no matter how irrational things may seem, there's always a reason. our tiny minds may not be able to grasp it all, but that's why we're called humans. we're not meant to understand it all. but i think it's enough to know that there is always a reason.

there is a reason why those accident happens.
be it for the driver.
be it for the passengers with him/her.
be it for the unfortunate girls. *al-fatihah*.
be it for the families of the deceased.
be it for anyone who takes some time off and think.


ps: another thing that i just have to point out after watching the videos, is how important it is to know basic first aid skills. i am grateful to see a citizen, willing to help in a very shocking and stressful situation, performing CPR on the girl; but it is also painful, to see him doing it wrongly. for those who did learn first aid skills, use your knowledge wisely, dont just forget them. should anything like this happen in front of us, would we just stand and watch people doing it wrongly? if we have the knowledge, we should be responsible for it. and use it.



doctors only marry doctors?


a friend: yes. because you'll understand each others' hectic schedule. especially during your internship.

me: but i always thought marrying someone outside of medical field would make the life easier.

the friend: well, try finding someone who WILL understand your busy life first.

me: that's a bummer.


let's see what happens. =P

**typical dinner conversation.hehe~
*** post made after watching grey's anatomy.


today is a good day

9 zulhijjah.
hari Arafah.
hopefully most of us -who are able to- would be fasting today =)

i just thought of sharing this link with everybody.
you can see the full documentary on your own though.
Abe gave it to me before i came to ireland.
i would watch it whenever i miss it.

let us all pray that we will be invited to go there by Him,
over and over again.
InsyaAllah (",)

wanita sempurna?

"jangan impikan lelaki sebaik Saidina Ali,
jika akhlak tidak semulia Fatimah Az-Zahra"

tak salah.

pangajarannya: baiki diri dahulu.

tapi, kenapa rasa sedih?

boleh tak...?

"Aku ingin mengimpikan lelaki sebaik Saidina Ali,
agar diri ini boleh dibimbing menjadi semulia Fatimah Az-Zahra"

boleh kan?

just a dream.
He Knows better.
Always have.



klate. lalala~

sayo oghe klate. pure. =)


tok tau la. tibo2 raso tok soh kalu tok type in kelate skali dlm blog ni. hehe~sapo pehey, pehey lah.sapo dop gak, panda2 la translate yop? kecek klate. oghe surely kato assabiyah bla2. tapi bukey saloh kito pon, nok wat gano oghe tok pehey kalu kito kecek klate laju sket. tringat time duk kat kmb, kalu balik kmb lepas cuti lamo gak, sure belit lidoh nk kecek luar. and then start ar raso homesick.hehe~cuz classmate semo oghe luar.sue pulop kadey2 jah nok kecek klate. *eventhou loghat klate dio lagi pekat kot.haha* loni duk ireland, raso lego jugok, dapat housemate klate soghe. bukey gapo, kadey2 raso homey skit bilo bulih kecek bhaso asal nih. lidoh tu rindu bhaso dio.hehe~

(comey...nk blaja bhaso mlayu gi blaja klate plop.haha)
haih. tgk clip ni jadi rindu budu dkat2 rayo haji..isk2~ =)


confession of a sin

so this guy's name is afiq anuar. the fact that i dont know who he is doesn't stop me from commenting on the link in facebook that has been circulating around us KMBians 0709.

it was a typical day, i was back home after a very tiring day, checked what's up in fb, and came across a very interesting link posted by fellow friends on this particular super junior, read it, laughing, continue reading my friends' comments, laughing again, and for fun, added my own comment on the link.

today, i told the story to a friend of mine, and i checked it again. but this time, a comment made me think instead of laughing like all the previous comments before me.
"mengumpat secara bertulis"
- mr firdaus abu bakar-
fellow KMBmate *whom im sure dont know who the hell i am*

if he didn't write that, i wouldnt have known nor realize what i was doing. i do admit that most of us actually neither really care who the boy is nor give a d*** about what he was saying. But it still doesn't give us the right to tease and make jokes about him behind his back.

i guess that all of my batch are still not over of the whole difficulty that IB actually brings us, that it seemed quite funny seeing someone so oblivious to what he is about to face doing IB. nevertheless, im sorry for laughing along with all the jokes made.

to say that talking behind others' back a.k.a mengumpat has become something so common and taken for granted is definitely not wrong; considering that most of us (me particularly) don't even realize that we're doing exactly that. *astaghfirullahal'azim*

mengumpat: dosa besar. *i feel horrible*

so to my superjunior mr afiq;
sorry for the jokes made. it was wrong.
i wish you all the best in becoming a good pakar jantung.
insyaAllah =)


music & memories

i think it's not wrong to say that i grew up with music around me. im not sure whether it's a good thing or not. but it's definitely the truth.

awal2 highschool, my parents would call me
ustazah rock; just because i am with my walkman (gadget dulu.mp3 tade lagi) most of the time. i think somehow it's bothering them how i study with loud music on. but all those songs i've listened to was not for nothing. cuz now, whenever i come across them, they brought back memories. different songs, different memories. so here goes some of it:

xfactor-tak sanggup
Form 1. the year i suddenly listen to malay songs. mainly due to Akademi Fantasia. haha. i stop watching after the 2nd one ended. i remembered my first time listening to Radio Era that year too.

Any Incubus's songs
abe comes to mind. hm..i miss him so much right now. i wish he calls me. (note: kakak. tell him to call me.huhu)

switchfoot songs
-back in naim lilbanat. i remembered falling in love with the soundtracks in 'A walk to remember'.
-how abe said he doesnt trust my taste in music. and eventually he acknowledged it, and came to like switchfoot too.
ps: i love this band up to this day.

closer - kings of leon
-the first time we went back home for raya together. me kakak and abe. driving. hehe. it was a freaky song actually (the fact that it's the soundtrack for a very terrifying movie).
-there was this crazy lady who drives freakily. i think kakak & abe & along & kak nini will remember that car vividly cuz u guys were racing her up till she did that crazy overtaking. (i didnt remember much cuz i was sleeping at the back most of the time.hehe) but i do remember waking up to see all of you excited and all.
- thinking back, i think this will be the
only time we'll be driving just the 3 of us together. *sad* alhamdulillah for the chance. =(

David Archuleta - crush
kakak. the drives we had in putrajaya everytime you picked me up from KMB. it was always this song playing on the radio. the weekends we had driving up to shah alam to spend them with abe. how we would end up in subang parade eating at Dave's Deli.

Eric Clapton- Tears in heaven
definitely abah and his guitar. i love you daddy =)

Dewa - Dealova
k in form 5 when i was in mrsm pc. somehow the image of me with the Iqbal girls in a room at Tok Bali comes to mind. =)

Kate Perry - Hot and Cold
this has gotta be kakak and abe doing the head thing in the car.hahahaha~ (i cant help laughing at this). *huhu. i miss hanging out with you both so much!*

The All-American Rejects - Move Along
the first time i went to a cinema. bowling in Kuantan when i was in Form5. *smiles*

Killers - Mr Brightside
definitely my SPM days. and a friend of mine. encik paih namenye. *i think it was his fave or sumthing*

i even have songs that remind me of my fellow classmates in KMB:
ein a.k.a intissar -
Kerispatih (Tapi Bukan Aku)
fatin ketaq lutut -
Estranged (Itu Kamu)
lyntot a.k.a fadzlin - anything hiphop and nigga-like. *haha* she cant deny this.
sue -
Mika (Relax, take it easy)

Kelly Clarkson - Because of you
this remind me of my lalim- fatin farhana wahab =) *huggss*

Evanescence- my immortal
i think this would be the time i was in form 3. i was in a transition phase. suddenly budget nak jadi a cool rock chic or something. listening to EMO music and bought all things black. *haha* thankfully it was a very short phase. but i remembered the feeling of wanting to be cool. *identity crisis*

it's a never-ending list i should say. so i better stop now.
but the bottom line is, im thankful for the music & memories. =)


happy day: of babies & oldies

this post is just a recap of my day *smiles*

there are two things that easily melt my heart.

babies? EVERYBODY loves them. they're cute bubbly and aaAAA..sgt comel! plus i think it's abah's influence. he has this soft spot for kids =) elders? this i guess came from the fact that i grew up with arwah che abah, who lived with us for 15 years or so. and i think, this too, comes from abah. =) watching him whose very attentive towards them. whenever and wherever he meets one.

so today, i got to experience both. going to a maternity hospital as well as a nursing home. two different sites in a day. despite the fact that the weather was super-duper freezing cold and raining, (not to mention the fact that my sole of foot hurts like hell due to lasnight's adventure) i walked with a big excited smile pasted on my wet freezing face =D
in the morning:

maternity hospital: totally loved it. i have always wanted to become a paediatrician (prayed that i have the time and energy to become one. InsyaAllah) so i WAS excited. the first excitement comes from sharing a lift with a new-born baby (cuteeeee) i couldnt handle myself much. all i did was repeating the same mantra along with pika "nak anak. nak anak. nak anak" and "nak twins. nak twins. nak twins" haha~ the lecture-which-was-a-very-relaxed-one was very informative. the best part would be seeing the patients coming in, listening to their experiences and definitely the part where it involves the blood-invested placenta and the part the doctor shows us how to 'kepit the baby's head' with that huge tool. seriously, if you've seen it, you would've never thought it was used to deliver babies. *ganas*

*this tool is huge people*

in the evening:

nursing home: i was in awe going around that place. it has EVERYTHING. saw some of the elders there. most of them are sick. but they were all nice. yes, of course, all i want is to be able to care for my parents in the future. insyaAllah. but there are cases where you just have to send your loved ones to nursing homes. *alzheimers for example*. but i wouldnt worry if my loved ones were there. it was perfect. all the things needed are there and the staff there really do care for their patients. TOP to BOTTOM. they knew EVERY single one of them.

the staff told us, that most of the patients who stayed there are due to dementia a.k.a nyanyuk. it got me thinking. "if only they knew" From my limited reading, i gather that nyanyuk is definitely not something that everyone of us will get once we're old.
refer to Al-Quran (16:70) and (22:5).
"Ayat-ayat ini menunjukkan penyakit nyanyuk berlaku kepada sesiapa yang dikehendaki oleh Allah SWT" i read this somewhere. and i've heard that the best tool to prevent 'nyanyuk' is by constantly reading the Al-Quran. InsyaAllah kita sama-sama amalkan. starting now~ jangan tunggu tua-tua. especially everytime after solat. bace kejap je~ =)

Then, when we were about to leave the place, we saw a guy (he's about 61) being held by his wife, walking with her, smiling as he walked past us slowly. the nurse told us that last year, he went to visit his daughter in new zealand. and now, just a year later, he couldnt even hold a fork on his own, and sometimes he cant even recognize his own wife. it scares me to think that these could happen. nauzubillah. but it opens up my mind.

There is a lot more happening out there, and they might happen to us too. all we can do is always pray to Him, that our life will turn out just like how we planned it to. but in the end, it always goes back to:

"Kita hanya mampu merancang, Allah yang Menentukan"


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