the Tug


you know that feeling? that little tug in your heart. we'd usually get one of those when we're touched, or sometimes when we felt guilt. i had one today. mine is the latter one. or perhaps it's a mixture of guilt and sadness? or even perhaps helplessness?

being a doctor in small secluded place in Pasir Akar brings me into the lives of so many elderly. i know that i have always had this soft spot for grandpas and grandmas. and seeing that i have none left now in my life, i'd often imagine them as one of my own. but the grandpas and grandmas that i see here are not those who are happily coming in with their children. they'd usually come in with worn-clothes. they'd usually come alone looking scared. they'd usually looked confused. they're usually ones who live alone. and some are still busy working to put food on the table because they are left to fend for themselves. 

and these breaks my heart in everyway.

and today, breaks me a little bit more.

i met a 72 year old lady today. she came from a nearby pondok. i find it a common thing nowadays, where these elderly would rather stay at a pondok on most days to fill their days with ibadah. when they're staying at a pondok, they'd be closer to the masjid, and they have their own peers to recite the Quran together, to listen to those kuliah Subuh together. 

so back to my patient. she came with a slightly high blood pressure reading. telling me that she missed her medications for 3 days because she couldn't find any form of transportation to come to the clinic. and since it's already 3 days of missing medications, she could't wait any longer so she walked to the clinic.

a 72 year old lady; 
walked a good 5km to the clinic.

i often heard these elderly taking the buses, or hitchhiking along the way. but this was a first. and there i was, not being able to do much. i asked around, but nobody was able to send her back. i didn't bring my car today and i don't think my boss would appreciate me leaving my job that early in the morning when i have other patients waiting for me. and all i could do at the end was ask her to rest first. to take her medications before she heads back.

i felt helpless. but i continued my work and forgotten all about her. 
until now.

hence, this is the hardest part of this job as a doctor. when we have to detach our emotions while working. because they can't get tangled up or we wouldn't be able to move forward. you'd have those tugging moments along the way, but you move along. praying your best at that moment that Allah eases them. because almost all patients are people who are struggling to live. sometimes i do wonder, why are the ones who're sick are those who are poor, the ones who are already struggling with what's on their plate? 

but remembering back that Allah Maha Adil, 
puts things back in perspective.
He Knows, 
and He Watches, 
and He Helps. 

so at the end of the day, 
i pray that they are all granted with sabr.
i pray that Allah eases their sufferings.
i pray that Allah beautifies their hearts.
i pray that Jannah awaits them at the end.


but i guess the tug in the heart remains. :(

"Apakah manusia mengira bahawa mereka akan dibiarkan mengatakan: 
Kami telah beriman, sedang mereka belum diuji?" 



 بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

image link

I've been watching this girl lately. Her name is Aida Azlin. I know very little about her as i haven't done much 'stalking' about who she really is, but i've watched a few of her videos that she posted in Facebook. For which reminded me of those years where i used to love sitting down and reflect on whatever events that had occurred in my life. 

Her videos are just awesome and laid-back. As she talks about things in her life, and relate it back to how they can all make us closer to Allah. something that i think, i wanted to do all those years back in Dublin. but i guess life and job caught up with me, and whenever i feel like i wanted to write, so many things stopped me. i felt like i haven't been as good as i wanted to be, hence i can't write reminders or advices because of the state that i was in: forgetful of Allah. Astaghfirullah.

but then, as i watched some more of her videos today, somehow it made me realized, that nothing should be stopping me to write a good reminder, or a good advice. because waiting for oneself to be good, or so called 'pious' is a never-ending wait. you can never really know when you are good enough. and we all know that iman is a rollercoaster, we have our highs and lows. but as long as we find ourselves to still be in that path towards seeking Allah's redha, then wherever we are doesn't count. give good reminders if we want to, because who knows if those small reminders that we tell ourselves and others, will eventually become the pillars to strengthen our iman. 

we all know that islam is about istiqamah. there's a bunch of good things you can do in life, but to keep doing them is the hardest part of them all, so whenever and wherever we are, let's pray for each other to keep doing good, even if it's a small part in this big world, because our effort is all that it takes.

and even if nobody is watching us 
(or in my case, reading this reminder) 
we all know that Allah Watches over. 
And Allah will never, 
ever take anything that his hamba do, for granted. 

"Man will not get anything 
unless he works hard” 

so here's to us, in trying to be a better abid.
let's get an A for effort shall we?



                                                                          بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

Entah bagaimana kita mampu mengeluh tentang kehidupan ,
Sedangkan ada yang mendirikan pondok dibawah jambatan,

Kita segera malu berhadapan
Orang-orang yang punya lebih dari sekadar kecukupan,
Segera malu di dalam kesederhanaan
Kerana belum memiliki sebarang kemewahan.

Bagaimana kita mampu mengeluh tentang kehidupan,
Tanpa segan silu menginginkan lebih
Dari sekadar kecukupan?

Bagaimana kita mampu mengeluh tentang kehidupan,
Sedangkan ada yang tidak berani bermimpi
Sekalipun tentang seguni keinginan
Bahkan semangkuk keperluan?


Copied this from a facebook post from a friend of mine. Each verse is so true. As it question how a person could still be complaining about his/her life, when someone else wouldn't even dare to dream of what the others have.

Which brings me to the topic of instagram. For those of you who doesn't have it, kudos to you for not falling to the temptation of dunya. For those who have them, istighfar it is. 

As much as instagram is a platform to connect between close friends, it's also a platform where you could see everything from everyone. noticed that search button? where it holds millions of other users who you have no idea of. But they are always there for you to look at. but noticed the similarities between the posts that are in there? they are all beautiful things.

beautiful people.
beautiful dresses.
beautiful bags.
beautiful restaurants.
beautiful places.
beautiful sights.

rarely, or should i say scarcely, 
or better yet, we actually never seen anything remotely ugly in there.

hence, the danger. we got so used to seeing privileged people in there, that we forget all those things that we already have. because everyone in there seems to have it better. better weddings, better holidays, better food; better life? we forget that Allah Knows better. He Knew more of what we need than what we want. cause i think we all could agree that the things we want are often stupid things, and we only realized of what we need when we lost them.

i thank Allah, everyday, for putting me exactly where i am today, for letting me have this humbling job that keeps me reminded and grounded. cause whenever i find myself scrolling through random posts, wanting those beautiful things that others have, i am sucked back into reality when i see all those patients of mine;

that 75-years-old makcik, who came to the clinic today with her old bicycle, because her children couldn't afford a car or even a motorcycle to bring her for her appointments. 

how could i yearn for a Michael Kors, seeing the elderly gentleman, who only just got back from 3 hours of rubber tapping earlier that morning, just to put some food on the table.

how could i wear sparkly clothes, when a 10-year-old kid came in to see me, with ragged clothes, having stopped school because his mom recently died, and his dad couldn't afford to send him to school. 

Look around us, through our eyes, not through social medias. Because reality is outside of our phones and gadgets. And only then can we truly see what life is all about. Only then can we be thankful with our lives. Only then do we realize that there are so much more people out there who need our help, or at least, our prayers. 

May Allah grant us all ease and keep us in His Blessings, and keep us all humbled in whatever that we do and whatever that we wish for, and most importantly may Allah keep us thankful with everything that we have. Ameen wa insyaAllah. 

Nabi Muhammad (SAW) said: 

"Look at those who are lower than you and do not look at those who are higher than you. 
That is more likely to prevent you underestimating the blessing of Allah on you." 

In another variant, he (SAW) said:

"When one of you sees someone who has been given more bounty 
in respect of wealth or physical strength, 
he should then look at someone who has less than him."


Of Life


not promising myself that i'll be writing often. but i felt the need to write today. and the time and mood is just right for it. forgive me for the jumbled entry. 

                                                           بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

a good old friend of mine texted me a few days back. his sister had done a biopsy, the doctors are suspecting cancer. fast forward to two days later, it's stage 2 breast cancer, requiring her to undergo mastectomy on one side, with lump removal on the other, and followed by sessions of chemotherapy afterwards. they've just been diagnosed today, and decisions were made only a few hours after. they agreed for the operation, which will take place tomorrow.


in a week's time, someone's life just changed so rapidly. almost surreal if you asked me. i can never even imagine how it feels like. even writing this breaks my heart. your heart races as the doctor asked your permission to proceed with a biopsy, because those lumps might be cancerous. and two days later you were told that it's true. and you have to make the decision almost there and then. to proceed with a big operation and with weeks of further treatments. you look at your husband, your child, your parents, your family members. everyone is trying to be strong. you are trying to be strong. and you said yes. and you ended your week this time, with a life-changing operation.

in a week's time for others, life might just be as boring or as hectic as it has always been. nothing changes.waking up to the same alarm tune. the same preparation for work. the hustles of papers at work. spending time at lunch with your buddies. continuing work while waiting for the time to punch out. thrills of coming home to your loved ones cause you misses them so much even it's just for a day. soon it's nightfall and it's time for your rest. monday soon becomes friday. and weekends will pass by in a jiffy. and the routine starts all over again. nothing more nothing less. same old, same old.


it's almost heart wrenching. the difference between one's life to another. but yet that's the reality. that life, evidently is as hard as it can be for one, and differently for the other. it may seem unfair. but everyone is entitled to their own journeys, their own tests.

take comfort, 
knowing that Allah itu Maha Adil. 
and He Plans best.

perhaps i've endulged myself too much into social networks, that i've gotten too used to watching people being happy all the time. good times with spouses, children and families. happy tummies filled with good food. people sharing beautiful things they bought. vacations. parties. events. that i forgot, to look into the eyes of those who are being tested in life. 

because these people, they are nowhere near social networks like the rest of us are. but they are the ones that i look at day to day at work, but failed to see behind their eyes. how difficult it is for them to come to the clinic every so often. how long have they endured the pain in their tummy because they can't even afford a strip of painkillers. how busy they are everyday to put food on the table that medicine is not something that they could remember taking at all. how stressful it is for them to decide for hospital admission, because they'd have three more children at home with no one to look after them. and these are all just tips of the iceberg.

may Allah forgives you and me.
for how much we have forgotten all this while.
for how much we've been swept away by Dunya, all this while.


to anyone who comes across this, send some prayers for my friend's sister who'll be undergoing surgery tomorrow. and prayers to all Muslims out there who are facing ordeals in life. May Allah eases their journeys through and through. Ameen.

"Allah is the Best Listener.
We don't need to shout, nor cry out loud.
because He Hears even the very silent prayer,
of a sincere heart."


Hello 2017

                                                          بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ


24 months had passed. Where do i even began to explain or even explore what i've experienced or learned over the period. it has been long. but i wanted to write again. this blog used to be my solace. :)

to be honest, it's a bit scary. when you haven't written for so long. it's much more difficult for the right words to come by. but a few weeks back i got a private message from a stranger in my instagram.  " i read your blog. it inspired me a lot. takde update dah." and i had that jittery feeling inside of me. touched too, i must say. because someone somewhere out there are still finding some warmth through my old writings and rants in here. so my prayers goes to you, miss. for reminding me to remind. :)

so here's my first rant after 2 years of absence. May Allah Guides us all. 


i guess the best thing to write about would be my last 26 months as a houseman (the first two years of becoming a doctor where you're still training to become a better one. a period where you're not yet held accountable for the mistakes you made.  a period for learning).

Alhamdulillah, with Him, i believe everything went beautifully as it should. of all the ups and down of the roller coaster ride, everything went perfectly according to His Plans. it's now our job as His abid to look back and be thankful for everything that has happened, to seek forgiveness for all the wrong things we've done, and to pray and be hopeful for what is yet to come. 

Housemanship a.k.a house officers a.k.a the punching bag of the scary hierarchy in a hospital. it's a scary 2 years period for all blooming doctors, but as scary as it may seem, it might actually be one of the best years of your life too. Even though i don't think i excelled in it with becoming the 'greatest HO that ever walked the planet', but i guess being happy on most days of housemanship warrants me to give some tips and tricks of surviving it. *wink* 

So here goes. 

Friends. I've always thought this was one of the crucial part of getting through housemanship. Because in a hospital, you never worked alone. you just can't. so getting a group of people who work with you, eat with you, sleep with you, jokes around all day with you, waited for you to finish your job, dissed you whenever you left some work undone, compliments you when you answered a question, learn from you, let you learn from them, covered for you, reminds you to eat, offered you IV line insertions whenever you look sick, zombied around the hospital with you at 3 a.m, jumped on the bed doing CPRs with you; is crucial. This group of people would be your strength to survive the hospital on a daily basis. True, it's not always great. You would hate each other sometimes, just because we are all tired and spent; misunderstanding each other's words. but it will pass by, and by the end of the day these friends are the ones that you should be really thankful for. for just being there with you through it all. :) 

Thank you guys. 
Hope you're all doing great, wherever you may be.

Families. Is the backbone that we often forget. The ones who prayed for us everyday back then. The ones who take time to drive us to and fro the hospital whenever our car broke down, or whenever we are too tired during our postcalls. The ones who suppressed from telling us how much they miss us because we're not home most days and when we are, all we do is sleep. But here's my own reminders from my own observation. Being doctors, when we have friends around, we tend to spend our free time outside the hospitals with the same friends too. forgetting those moments that we should spend with our families; where we should be having some tea with our dad, cooking with our mum, calling up our siblings to see how they're doing, or just being there in the comfort of home to liven up the house that we have left most of the time. just do something for them, they have been there for us since forever, remember?

May Allah keep them safe and sound in His Blessings. 
Ameen. :)

Reminders. And this is definitely the hard part. Despite the tiring hours, the verbal harassment, the constant back-ache; you are helping someone. you are helping your nurses, your MOs, your specialists in doing their job; and most importantly you are all helping someone who's sick, those who are in need. they wouldn't have come to the hospital if they didn't need our help. Of course, there would be ungrateful patients, ungrateful superiors now and then, but they don't matter. Because inevitably what you are doing comes back to you. if we truly realize that our job will eventually help someone, then all the blessings and pahala will go back to our book. because this job, is nothing else but a good deed. the only thing that could make this bad are just our foul mouths and foul intentions. but if we could avoid those two, this job, is definitely a part of our ibadah. And how lucky we are that Allah has put us in this path, where doing good to others is just a part of our job?

" Let your good deeds be like rain,
drop a little everywhere."

so at the end of your tiring day, be thankful. that Allah has chosen us, over all of His Creations to be doctors. When we are too busy with work; think otherwise instead; we are too busy with good deeds, that we don't even have time for bad ones. And how lucky can anyone else get, huh?

and most importantly, stay humble too.
we are always learning from one another everyday.
teach others and learn from them.
leave the bad ones, and follow the good ones.
chin up and be strong.
after all, Allah is with us through and through.


yep, this happened too. :)

on a side note, in between those 26 months, Allah s.w.t granted me someone that i didn't even dreamed of having; my husband. you could pray for anything in a spouse, but at the end of the day, you will finally realized that the companion that Allah blessed you with is the most perfectly flawed being there is, just as much as you are. And time will always be the one to teach you of how much you were made for each other. Alhamdulillah for the love that Allah blessed us with, and most importantly, i pray that this love lasts and brings us together in Jannah. do send us your prayers :)
ps: deep down, i still think that i was blessed enough to have met him because of arwah Che's prayers. :')

above all,
thank You Allah.


Complete Faith

Sick. hence the time for me to write a bit. Alhamdulillah, wa astaghfirullah. may Allah forgives all my sins with my little illness. =_=''

Life has been moving, fast if i may say so. Work has  been non-stop. time flies huh? it's been over 2 months that i've been working as a real doctor. or maybe the right word would be training to be a good doctor. i guess i somewhat truly understand what houseman is all about now: a total training period. days where you experience and see things with your own eyes. see what is right and what is wrong. scolded for what is right and what is wrong. yes it's pretty much a hostile environment. but what can we really do other than rely on Allah's guidance? it's a work that involves so many people. your superiors, your colleagues, your patients, their families. and we all have our own different sets of emotions. and because this world is not perfect, our emotions often clashes with one another. 

nobody is ever happy, nobody is ever satisfied, miscommunication is everywhere, and so do misunderstandings. everybody is taking everybody else for granted. nobody really appreciate what the others are doing. we don't appreciate them as much as they don't appreciate us. MOs and HOs work together, and yet, we think that they hate us, and they think that we hate them. and the cycle goes on. it's a messy world to be honest. one that is so messy that we have to be conscious of our intention all the time, which is something almost impossible to be done at the moment. but if we dont renew our intention, then we'll be the losers in the end.

Loser, i am. because i can already sense moments where i have not been as empathetic as i wanted to. towards these patients that i am in charge of, when all my head can think of is to get those work done, to get the bloods taken, to jot the investigations done, to get the signatures; just so  that i wont get scolded by my superiors. hadoy. sad isn't it? and stupid, to be honest. cause everything we do has been so technical, it's so embarrassing. towards them patients especially, the ones who trusted our hands in taking care of them. and most importantly, malu kat Allah. The One watching us slipping away with our so-called 'noble' intentions. malu kat Allah. seeing how our akhlak deteriorates with every dissing and bashing that we are doing towards one another.

astaghfirullah. but if we were to blame everything to the environment then nothing will change won't it? so at times that i forget, astaghfirullah is the key word. i remembered once, i was worried that my boss would think that i haven't done my job just because i wasn't updating them through whatsApp and someone else was. i remembered feeling pretty much stupid afterwards. because i know i was doing my best with the patient. so it doesn't really matter if they know or not, or whatever that they perceive about us, so long as we are trying our best. we know it, and Allah Knows it. that's all that really matters. 

another time i was saddened when my fellow colleagues were bashed by their superiors. apparently they perceived that my friends weren't doing their job. i'd feel crushed too if i were them. when the work that you've done day in day out, and yet they still think that we have done nothing. we'd feel like trash won't we? but if we were to stress our heads with what others perceive about us, then it's a tiring cycle. it will be exhausting, both physically and emotionally. so the only solution to all of this is to fix our belief. to fix our line of thoughts: that whatever happens, it's within Allah's will. try our best, regardless if the job is done or not. try our best, even if we are to be scolded afterwards. learn as much, and keep on praying, that Allah keep our heart at ease, with whatever harsh words that we heard from others. that Allah keep our heart at ease, with whatever that happens. 

because eventually, Allah Maha Adil. they will still be held accountable for what they say and what they do. so leave it to them to take it back to Allah on that one fine day. and if that still doesn't comfort us, just remember that every heart is within Allah's grasps. then pray thay Allah lembutkan hati semua orang, at least.

whatever happens, it happens for a reason. by Allah's will. so if it happens, Allah wanted it to happen to us. so let's remind each other of this very simple thing: Tawakkal. to trust Allah completely, with our lives. insyaAllah. We'll be able to smile in the end and say Alhamdulillah. InsyaAllah wa ameen.


on another note, i can never thank Allah enough for all his Plans. this time around, again, Allah planned life so beautifully that i can say nothing other than Alhamdulillah. true how they say, Allah plans things beyond our imagination. may Allah ease the paths ahead insyaAllah. :)

till the next post insyaAllah.
do make doa for me, for my family, 
for my friends, and for everyone else.
let's ace this short trip in Dunya, and seek His Redha;
with and by Allah's will. Aameen.

and here's a special  Doa worth reciting over and over again insyaAllah:
"Ya Allah, do not hold me accountable for what they say about me.
And make me better than what they perceive me to be.
And forgive me for what they don't know about me."
[Abu Bakr As-Siddiq r.a]


At your Feet

I am finally able to really sit down this week. It's only been a week since my grandmother went back to the Creator, but i think because i was in and out of the hospital, i couldn't pay much attention to the broken part deep deep down in my heart; that is until today. I've written and mentioned Che in my writings a number of times, so i decided to search for the word 'Che'. a list of posts popped up, and i'm a blubbering mess right now after reading them all. That little hole she left me with has just gotten bigger.

I want to remember her. So as much as this is a sharing for anyone who stumbles into this blog, i'm writing today to keep her in this little hidey hole of mine. So this might be an ultra long post, and i'm not even sure of what i will write. But i will. So here goes: our little story.


Abah picked me from the hospital at 7am. Post tag-call. It was only a day or two after the 'banjir' has gone down. Instead of going straight home, Abah drove me to Auntie's house. It's been about 2 weeks since i last saw Che. And i heard Che was not properly eating a day or so. She was sleeping when I arrived, which is not unusual. But she looked so tired. I checked her pulse. It was fast, but it has always been like that for the past months. I was too preoccupied listening to Auntie telling me the banjir story that day, as they were trapped for the past few days in the house at Kg Pendek, Salor. I remembered thinking, "nasib baik Che tak sakit teruk masa tu". Breathing a sigh of relief knowing that a nurse will attend to Che later in the evening. I said my goodbyes, but somehow i didn't kiss her cheeks like i normally do.

Little did i know that was actually my last goodbye.

I slept late that night, it was almost 1:00am. I tried finishing some slides, and was prepping myself for my on-call the next day. I was almost dozing off when i heard some small knocks on my door. Then later someone opened the door, left some keys and closed it back. I was a bit confused. But i continued sleeping. Then i heard the sound of Abah's car leaving the house. "Che?" I thought of her. Did something happened? But i pushed that thought away and continued sleeping. Only to be woken up a short while later with a phonecall from Abah.

"Yan, che takde dah." 

After subuh i was all prepared to go to  Auntie's house where Che is. Abah, Mama and Lin came back for their shower and we head back there. The house was filled with family members. I saw Che covered from top to toe, surrounded with people reciting the Quran. I wanted to see her face, but i couldn't because of the people around her. I sat near her feet and started reciting Yaasin. Then i lifted the cloth at her feet, and saw the bandages around her foot ulcers. I touched her feet, they were cold. And i can't help myself and sobbed. 

Time passed and it was time for mandi jenazah. My heart says i just have to do it. So i went and asked Mok Su, the one in charged. She said yes, sure you can. And together with other family members, we bathe Che. As gentle as we could, and as careful as we could. Apologizing now and then, if we are hurting her in any way. Some were crying, but i wasn't. The feeling was indescribable. I washed her ulcers, some were new. I realized that those new ulcers developed when i started working in the hospital. I didn't even know. :'(

I went for the burial too. I know it's not advisable to go there, but i wanted to. Just this once. And i get to see arwah Ayoh (grandfather)'s grave too. Right beside Che's. And after it was finished i went back to the hospital for my oncall. And the days passed. Coming back and going to the hospital somehow made me numbed.  Allah kept me away from sadness for the time being, making me forget that i have lost a very special person in this lifetime.

A few weeks before i came back for good from Dublin, Che had a stroke. I came back to a new version of Che. No longer the forgetful one who can sit on her own, but it's someone who's always sleeping. Who looks lethargic all the time. She seldom speaks. Only when she wants to. Even so, her words are short. Sometimes she remembers, sometimes she doesn't. She eats very little, so we started giving her those special milk, via syringes. On good days she'll have a good cup of milk per meal. On bad days she'll have only a quarter of a cup. She can no longer bathe herself, so we have to lift her up to the toilet, to wash and bathe her. It's difficult for everyone and even her. But we just have to do our best.

I came by as often as i could. Everyday or every other day. Checked her pulse. See if she's dehydrated or not. When i'm worried, i asked Mama to call the doctor. One time, we went to Kuala Lumpur for weeks. For my interviews and so on. And i came back to Che developing huge foot ulcers. And she was feverish too. And  my new routine started. To keep watch of her ulcers. To do her dressings. After a few visits by the doctor, we all learn how to deal with her ulcers. I did my very best. It's not like other family members can't do it, they can. But back then, i wanted to be the one doing it for Che. Because i knew i will no longer have much chances to do it when i started working. And because i knew that the time i'm spending with her will soon runs out. And because everybody else were doing something for Che, bathing her, feeding her, so that's the least i could do; to be the cucu doktor at her feet. :')

One time, she opened her eyes when i came to do her dressing. She was a bit healthier that day. More alert. She saw me, crooning down, huddled at her numb feet. She asked someone around who i was. And i answered: "Cucu che la. yan ni. Che ingat kan. Che, yan jadi doktor dah ni Che." She looked at me. "Ouh.. doktor dah?" Did she knew then? Wallahua'lam. I just wish she did. i pray that she did. 

As time passes her condition deteriorates. Bit by bit. Thinner by the day. She was sleeping most of the time. Refusing to open her eyes. She drinks her milk with eyes closed. She seldom talks. A few weeks before Che passed away, she stayed at our house for 2 weeks. I only started working at that time, and i was still able to tend to her feet because she's at our home. And i get to kiss her in the morning before heading for work. But one time, I listened to her lungs.... I talked to my aunts. Che is and will deteriorate further, i said. If she suddenly gets really sick, what will we do? No hospital. That was the unanimous decision. As much as it was a heavy decision, but i felt the same. Hospital would be too much for her. But i prayed that no such event will happen for us to make that decision.

And nothing happened. She was sleeping that night. But her breathing was different. A bit heavier, that was what my cousins noticed. After midnight, Auntie finally called Mama. Auntie wasn't exactly sure, but she told Mama, Che looked a bit different. Hence, the knocks on the door that night before they left me at home. Mama and Abah didn't bring me with them because they were not sure of what was wrong, and was worried that i might be too tired for work the next day. But i was told, after a while of heavy breathing, suddenly Che was gone, after kalimah Allah. :'(

Che. The once grumpy grandmother with her very pedas words. She would rant about this and that, and made some of her grandchildren fearsome of her. But i saw through her. Despite her ranting about our "seluar apa panjang labuh ni, lipat tinggi-tinggi, nanti heret tahi ayam, nak sembahyang macam mana?"making all of our trousers/ skirts lifted an inch before entering her room - she was a big softie.

I remembered years back, when i started kissing her on the cheeks, despite her annoyance; "Che busuk buat apa cium? Kenapa cium orang tua macam ni?" But i still do. And eventually i realized that whenever i was about to go back after visiting her, she have this expectant gesture, saying that she is busuk but giving me her cheeks still, knowing that i will kiss her no matter what she says. Cute. :)

I will remember the summer days i spent with her, whenever i came back home from Dublin. We would count the years left till i graduate. And i will ask her to pray for me. Che doa sokmo (selalu). And i would cheekily ask her to pray for my jodoh too, asking her that she has to be healthy until the day i meet my Mr Right, because i wanted her to listen to the guy reciting the Quran in front of her, just like she did towards me. Cause sometimes she would ask me to recite Al-fatihah, or Al-kafirun when i'm in her room - fixing my A'in, and Qaf and Ra, always the wrong Ra. and it's always a huge accomplishment if i could recite the Quran with her listening, without any fixes. And she would also cheekily answer my requests: "Che doa sokmo yan boleh hok juruh (baik). Nanti baca doa ni lepas tu tiup kat orang Yan berkenan". :') Che and her antiques.

Sadly i didn't get to bring any Mr Right to you, but i take comfort knowing that whoever i get later on has always been someone who was a part of your prayers insyaAllah. And most importantly, i am blessed that your prayers were with me the whole journey of me becoming a doctor. And i believe whole-heartedly that without Che's prayers, i wouldn't even be where i am today, or who i am today. Thank you Che, because of your prayers, you have made us - your anak-anak and cucu and cicit- as who we are today. It's time for us, your grandchildren to do our part now. To be better Muslims, and send lots and lots of prayers for you insyaAllah.

You will forever be remembered as my cute grumpy Che.
Praying that i will meet you again in Jannah,
Aamiin wa insyaAllah.

One who misses you so much,
the cucu at your feet. :')


"Apabila seorang manusia mati, putuslah (tulisan pahala) amalan
kecuali tiga perkara (yang akan berlanjutan tulisan pahalanya) iaitu
sedekah jariah 
atau ilmu yang memberi faedah kepada orang lain
atau anak yang soleh yang berdoa untuknya."
[riwayat Imam Ahmad]

semoga doa anak-anak dan cucu-cucu Che diterima.

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