another day's Thought

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today i lazily hang out at the surau before heading back home. (classes ends early today, alhamdulillah. not a hectic week as the last one).

there were not many of us there. just me and pika. and some arab girls. once in a while, when our eyes meet we'd give each other smiles. heh. (i'm bad at being international). then a girl came. i dont quite know where her native country is, but i'm pretty sure she's Arab. she had a slightly dark skin, with a smile always pasted on her face. she has not worn her hijab yet, but insyaAllah im pretty sure one day she will.

i've noticed her before. and today, i stole some glances towards her again when she was praying. because she prayed in a very peculiar way. suffice to say, that it's waaay different than how we have been taught in our Mazhab Syafi'e. 

i was wondering if she was to pray like that in malaysia, how would the makcik-makcik around think? will there be weird glances, some whispering here and there, annoyance? wallahua'lam. (ouh, tak husnuzon sungguh). sorry, im just saying. because like i told you, i've seen her before. and her way of praying has grabbed my attention. that was the reason i somewhat watch her pray again today. as embarrassing i am to admit this,but my first thought when i saw her praying the first time was, "hm. solat macam tu ok ke eh?"

but today, i have come to a conclusion. for no matter how different the way she's praying, she's still praying to that One God, that you and i are submitting to. the same sujud, the same ruku', the same tahiyyat. those small differences that we are making, are not ours to judge. for the fact of the matter is, she was still praying. and for all that we know, maybe hers was way better spiritually; maybe her prayers to Allah at that time, causes His Mercy to fall on all others around her. the possibilities are always there. 

point is, there are a whole bunch of things that we don't know of. not to say that it's okay to remain negligent of the things around us. but be sure to differentiate which of them that we should know about, and which of them that we need to leave behind; because they are just His to Know of. 

wallahua'lam. :)

ps: ok mau study hard pulak. pray for me? jazakumullah~ ^,~

Cinta: Ingat-ingat Lupa

today i prayed for that Cinta. cinta kepada Rasulullah S.A.W. banyak yang saya lupa. too busy searching for His Blessings and His Attention, that i have forgotten that without Rasulullah, we won't get to know our Creator. without this one special human being, we won't get to know of His Rahmat. he who remembers his ummat. every single one of us. 

and yet, if i was asked about him,

barulah kalut nak bukak buku refer balik.

benda-benda yang saya ingat-ingat lupa.

about his life.

his struggles.

his hardships.

his compassion.

and his love.

watching this video below, it's obvious that what you give is what you're going to get. 

and i am seriously not giving enough. so how can i expect to get what i want? 

to meet him when he calls for his followers di padang Mahsyar.

let us aim to be one of them. 

ameen. 

Acceptance

another week has passed. a very busy one with so many things to be done; keluar gelap, balik gelap. lari pergi kelas, pastu lari pergi hospital. sesat lagi. haih :) but alhamdulillah. for all the things He taught, for all the things He made me think of. for everything, really.

and not wanting to waste away any thoughts of mine, here i am again with my therapy. hoping to start off the weekend with a 'working' mind and racing thoughts (not in a psychotic manner, hopefully.heheh). :)

few days ago, we had this lecture on Risk Management and Patient Safety. it was one of those subjects; teaching you things you should know of, but you really dont feel any relevance behind it all for the time being. because we, sadly, are those exam-oriented students who learn things mostly not to know, but just to ace those exam papers. (man, we need to seriously change!)

anyways, the lecture was basically all about the things hospitals had done to avoid any unwanted events, be it errors and mistakes in clinical practice. ok ill try and make it short, im not trying to summarize my lectures here (or prove to anyone that im concentrating in class.hahaha). but at the end of it, they played a video; a re-enactment of a true case happening in a hospital back in UK, where a doctor mistakenly inject a drug meant to be given intravenously, but was injected intrathecally instead. in simpler words, tersalah bagi ubat. why? because of miscommunications here and there, some unwanted circumstances cropping up etc. so basically, that mistake ended up with the death of the patient. and even the two doctors involved in it, quit medicine. T,T

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first of, it made me think of how difficult it is; that being a doctor goes way beyond that. a lot of procedures are involved because you are handling others. i have always thought it was about asking patients questions, and diagnosing them, perform some simple exams, or difficult procedures. i have forgotten all the tiny details you have to take into considerations. like having to confirm and re-confirm your drugs and data countless times with so many people. having to write down a lot of things. all the details really, that may seem irrelevant to you.

but most importantly, what i thought most about was how our Deen has taught us of acceptance; of Qada' and Qadar. in life, not everything is perfect. we all know that. and we ourselves can never be perfect. and we know of our imperfections, through all the mistakes that we have made. some are made after we have tried really hard to avoid it. and some mistakes are made without even us knowing about it. and the mistakes always have consequences, be it on ourselves, or others around us. and seeing that clip, i realized how easily doctors can make mistakes. not just about misdiagnosing, but sometimes misreading things, mislabelling medicines, which all may lead to harming the patient. 

but i guess that is the essence behind it all, that all you can do is really put some effort in the things that you do. buat kerja betul-betul, be careful of small details, be mindful of everything. and yet, if things happened the other way around and the blame is still on us, we learn to accept it. because Allah has Decided for it to be that way. especially in deaths. there would be so many different reasons that we can come up with on the causes of death. heart attacks, too much loss of blood, ruptured vessels etc. but deep in our hearts, i guess a Muslim should always know that, it's just his time has come. there and then. it's their time to go back to Our Creator. 

and yet, being in Malaysia pun, i'm sure ramai lagi yang belum grasp this concept. let alone if you think of Ireland. where nobody even knows what Qada and Qadar is. so other consequences follow. you might go into court for the mistakes you made, you might be sued etc. it seems unfair, but again, that's just how Allah wants it to be.

i guess what i learnt most that day was that, i'll soon be making mistakes all the time. more physical mistakes that is, because im pretty sure i'm making mistakes all the time too right now. i've heard of a person saying that doctors really do kill people. but the fact is, Allah is just using us doctors as a tool, to be a part of the reason behind those deaths, or any unwanted illnesses. because that is how Sunnatullah works too.

a part of me is scared truthfully, wondering when those time comes, will i be ready to face all of that emotions accompanying them? having to see people die before your eyes, and being a part of the reason behind them all. letting the patient's hopes down, when you tell them that they will be paralyzed for life? fuh, scary. but another part of me is excited too. wondering how much will i learn. how much will it strengthen me inside? most importantly, will it make my iman stronger? wallahua'lam, but i pray they would.

i know i have mentioned this countless times. but i really want to be a doctor. helping others is a part of it, definitely. cari makan pun of course is another part of it. but most importantly it's to help myself. because it is a known fact, that with the right intention, it is definitely a job that brings you closer to Allah. how can it not?

when deaths, hopelessness, and mistakes are all there in front of you; 

constantly reminding you every second 
that in Allah is where we should all put our trust in. 

not the pills, 

not the stethoscope, 

and definitely not the white-coats.

to You, please make me a doctor. a good Muslimah doctor, please?

ameen. :) *tolong ameenkan ye.hehe*

24th January 2012

White Coat Ceremony. 

marking the start of the final half of medicine.

with the PMC kids who will be leaving us soon. huhu T,T

will be with them for another 2.5 years, insyaAllah.

yours truly,

one who's always praying the white-coat stays on :) ameen.

That Rope: Grip it Hard

stumbled upon this video. i dare say that this will touch your heart. i cried watching it. i cried again just listening to it. sometimes, you just know, that when the words come from the heart, it will definitely reach another's heart. listening to her story, i felt this heavy feeling inside. jealous, happy, excited and sad. it's an intermingled feeling really. when you just wish, that you could feel like this. at all times. sadly, even in a day, we find it hard for us to really sit down and reflect. to say; 

alhamdulillah, ya Allah. You let me think of you today.

alhamdulillah, ya Allah. You are still holding my hand today. 

alhamdulillah, ya Allah. i am still a Muslim today. :')

we rarely thank Him for this huge nikmat that we have; that we are blessed with. nikmat iman. whom so many others are finding it hard to find. and yet so many who already have some, rarely wants to keep it. nikmat paling besar. yet we played around with it. doing things that eat away that little bit of iman inside us. making us forget. 

back when i was in KMB, there used to be a saying (if i'm not mistaken) that i love to repeat to myself over and over. tentang Tali Allah.

we have an invisible rope, tying us to Him. He's Holding one end, and we are holding the other. jadi janganlah kita bermain tolak-tarik dengan tali Allah. because have we ever think of it; if one day He might just let it go? nauzubillah.

my advice is obvious; let us all try and grip that rope firmly. because in my humble analogy, once it all ends; with that Rope, He'll take us straight up to meet Him. angkat je kita naik. insyaAllah when that final Day comes. when feelings can't even be described. let's pray for it.

ps: and it's interesting really. that this is what Islam taught us about the concept of The Rope. and yet for many out there who don't know, their concept of the rope may be the total opposite from us; when at troubled times, all they want is a hug.. around the neck.. with the rope. nauzubillah.

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وَٱعۡتَصِمُواْ بِحَبۡلِ ٱللَّهِ جَمِيعً۬ا وَلَا تَفَرَّقُواْ‌ۚ وَٱذۡكُرُواْ نِعۡمَتَ ٱللَّهِ عَلَيۡكُمۡ إِذۡ كُنتُمۡ أَعۡدَآءً۬ فَأَلَّفَ بَيۡنَ قُلُوبِكُمۡ فَأَصۡبَحۡتُم بِنِعۡمَتِهِۦۤ إِخۡوَٲنً۬ا وَكُنتُمۡ عَلَىٰ شَفَا حُفۡرَةٍ۬ مِّنَ ٱلنَّارِ فَأَنقَذَكُم مِّنۡہَا‌ۗ كَذَٲلِكَ يُبَيِّنُ ٱللَّهُ لَكُمۡ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦ لَعَلَّكُمۡ تَہۡتَدُونَ

Dan berpeganglah kamu semuanya kepada tali [agama] Allah, 

dan janganlah kamu bercerai berai, dan ingatlah akan ni’mat Allah kepadamu ketika kamu dahulu [masa Jahiliyah] bermusuh musuhan, maka Allah mempersatukan hatimu, lalu menjadilah kamu karena ni’mat Allah orang-orang yang bersaudara; dan kamu telah berada di tepi jurang neraka, lalu Allah menyelamatkan kamu daripadanya. Demikianlah Allah menerangkan ayat-ayat-Nya kepadamu, agar kamu mendapat petunjuk.

[3:103]

alhamdulillah ya Allah.

it's never enough. :')

yours truly,

praying that i'll grip harder.

Oblivious? Bacalah.

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the other day, i found a very interesting video coming from UAI's (for those who don't know, it's the initials for Ustaz Azhar Idrus) avid fan, im guessing. by the way, yes i'm also a fan of his. i have high respect for his personality, and most definitely his way of spreading dakwah. i know many people find him a bit harsh. he is, actually. but i find that his funny and straight forward points are great at times, when all we need are some imaginary slaps in the face to get us back to reality; that we all are Allah's creations, created for a purpose (two purposes i suppose; 2:30 & 51:56), and yet we are stupid beings who likes to waste time, dan banyak lagi lah.

anyways, click here for the video mentioned. 

rasa best after watching the video. knowing the fact that it's fairly easy for us to seek knowledge nowadays. fairly easy for us to know what is right and what is wrong. just the other day, a friend of mine asked me a question regarding samak, and all i did was googled it. so many webs with all the answers needed. on that note, yes of course, we have to be careful too with the sources of those ilmu agama.

however, one Arab brother spoke of this issue (from the last post i mentioned about going to a halaqah). he expressed his thoughts of how easy for us to seek ilmu nowadays, that all of them are just a click away. but then his next sentence snapped me back from this dream of mine;

"it's so easy for us to find those ilmu, 

that i'm afraid our punishment will be 10 times worse in the Hereafter."

when it involves ilmu agama, i always heard of people saying way back then, "tak apa kalau kita tak tahu." which leads to many of us who chose to remain oblivious to hukum-hakam as well as peraturan Allah. especially when it involves small intricate details. for example, you just don't want to know in details about whether we can actually eat out at non-Muslim restaurants, or how Khuf actually works, or if certain cara pakaian is okay or not, or the do's and don'ts when we're in 'love' etc. many of us thought, that it's okay. that Allah will let us go if we did something wrong, dengan syarat we actually don't know that it's wrong.

but when i came here, a sister shared. truthfully, Allah will ask us back, why then didn't we look for those ilmu agama, to know whether those things that we did were wrong or not? because deep down, we all know that those ilmu are always there, they're all from the Al-Quran. i think it's fair for me to say that, in today's world, the statement, "saya tak tahu." is not valid anymore; because the real thing we are actually saying is, "saya tak nak ambil tahu". 

betul tak? because nowadays, even if you're not looking for things, it's just there in front of you. hukum tu hukum ni. teguran tu teguran ni. take facebook for example, your homepage is filled with so many great articles and videos of Deen (intermingled with lagho things too sadly), that it's quite impossible for you to remain oblivious to them.

and sometimes, many chose to remain oblivious to small details too, saying that, "agama ni tak menyusahkan." but the thing is, if we thought of it as menyusahkan, of course it will become one. but if we think of trying to make it as perfect as possible, then it won't be menyusahkan after all. kan?

if we can stay up all night, just to find those perfect HD videos of our favourite movies, or dramas, because we want to enjoy the best quality pictures; was it menyusahkan? those many hours googling for the right webs? or when we wanted to surprise our Baby Boo with a birthday party, and decided to make the best chocolate cake possible, and called up his friends, spending hours and hours to cook, planning every single details, was it menyusahkan at that time?

thus, i think it goes back to how much we want certain things. if we really want to present the best of ourselves, applying Deen in every aspect of our lives just like how our prophet Rasulullah S.A.W did; then seeking ilmu agama, even to the smallest of details won't be menyusahkan after all kan? 

because in the end we are just His hamba,

susah-susah sikit untuk Dia;

it's the least we can do to the One who Gave us everything. :) 

insyaAllah, this is again a reminder to self, first and foremost.

wallahua'lam.

yours truly,

trusting Him, that He's giving me the best in life. ;) 

mind rant 2#

salam. it's another edition of those mind rant. sorry, a fellow reader gave a positive comment to the last one, so that somehow boost my spirit. alhamdulillah, it seems like my ranting was not that pointless after all. but if they do get pointless, remind me to stop will you? jazakumullah :)

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only a day left till the new term starts, and Allah Knows how unprepared my heart and mind is. there is this small knot deep deep inside my tummy. worried of all the possibilities for this final half of medicine i'm about to embark in. and the fact that the results for last term's awfully-difficult exams are not out yet, only tightens that knot. ugh. but alhamdulillah, maybe Allah is still giving us a chance to continue making du'a for those papers. please dont fail us, please dont fail us, make things easier for our studies ya Allah, we really want to be doctors T,T. ameen ya Rabb.

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made some hard decisions lately, as well as doing some crazy stuff that i have never ever imagined my whole life. somehow, i trust that it has been planned by Him all along, that things ended up this way. some part of me is excited. no, im not putting hopes that all will turn out positive, but the mere thought that Allah Guides this and made me do this and that, somehow feels right; that in a weird way, i dont actually really mind whatever the outcome might be. because it felt like Allah deliberately controls every actions and thoughts of mine. you just feel perfectly safe. best ouh~ :) 

it reminded me of a hadith,

Sabda Rasulullah saw dalam sebuah hadist qudsi Allah berfirman:

“Hambaku senantiasa mendekatkan diri kepadaKu dgn ibadah sunnah, nescaya Aku mencintainya.  Jika Aku sudah mencintainya maka Aku menjadi pendengarannya dengannya dia mendengar, Aku menjadi penglihatannya dengannya dia melihat, Aku menjadi tangannya dengannya dia bertindak, Aku menjadi kakinya dengannya dia berjalan. Jika dia memohon kepadaKu maka Aku benar-benar akan memberinya dan Jika dia meminta perlindungan kepadaKu maka Aku benar-benar akan melindunginya“

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not to say that i feel like i am the best of hamba right now, so Allah Loves me (though it doesn't hurt to wish for it *cough cough*); but it did remind me of this. gaaah~~ i pray that in this lifetime of mine, there will be a time (many many many times pun tape, all the time pun lagi bagus!) , when He really does love me that much. huu~ because if He Loves us then we would certainly enter Jannah! and we can actually meet Him! *dreamy land* insyaAllah. let us all make that our vision! woot2~

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just now, approximately 4 hours ago, i went to Clonskeagh Mosque near my house, upon being invited by my usrah-mate, Jasmin. so me and Pika head down to the mosque, with the freezing cold wind caressing our face (more like slapping), for the halaqah (a gathering meant to spread reminders?). it was one of those Arab's halaqah, and yes, we were the few Malays there. 

it was exciting really, to see a culture totally different than ours. Jasmin is used to it though, since she's so involved with the cool islamic societies in college. (she's awesomely involved with the Arab's brothers and sisters; i can only drool over her awesomeness most of the time, being the hampeh usrah-mate). anyways, within those 1 hour,  i learnt so much, alhamdulillah. from the talks as well as from my observations.

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the halaqah was mainly their way of trying to gather muslims' (they were all teenagers mainly) in a weekly meeting; just discussing religious things; be it books, sharing stories of the sahaabah, some experiences in dakwah, some hot issues of the day (just now it was about gays) etc. it was more or less similar to our weekly usrah (by the Malay students here), except that halaqah is in a bigger group. 

anyways, the first awesome thing i noted then, was the fact that they were so young! the seats at the front were filled with kids aged 12-15 im guessing. and i've learnt way long ago to accept the fact that if you see Arab guys who looked like they're 25-27, they are actually 17. yes, most of them are all younger than us. i felt thankful in a way, that we have these young brothers and sisters that already cared about Deen at an early age, despite their appearances. (oh my yan, how can you be so shallow? judging people based on their looks. shame on you!). some looked like rock stars, some looked like they are bullies, some seems like they have just finished soccer practice, some looked like those hip-hop kids; but the fact remains that they are all in that room, attending that halaqah on their own accord, wanting to discuss about our Deen. ahh, sejuk hati ibu mengandung. how looks can really deceive us, huh!

then my thoughts flew back home to Malaysia. if we see boys with hip-hop clothes, im guessing they will 95% do only hip-hop, and won't go to these kinds of gatherings. (sorry if i'm being too su'uzon here, *cough cough*). okay let's take another example. 12 year old malaysian kids back home; if we were to grab a handful of them and interviewed them, all they care about would mostly be football and that's about it. this got me thinking, that again, our society needs to start the change. i guess those Arab kids, they were raised in an environment that taught them the importance of seeking ilmu about our Deen. they need to understand their Deen, and just accepting what their parents told them to do; solat 5 waktu, puasa Bulan Ramadhan, pakai hijab; is not enough. they have to understand why they are doing it. thus, i think this is the driving factor of why those young cute harry-potter look-a-likes Arab kids were there in the halaqah.

but our kids? at 12, all we know is we have to do it, if not, then our parents will be angry. that's about it. that's the reason why at 18, they have no regards what so ever with Allah's Rules. menagih dadah, minum arak, berzina. because none of them knew why those rules exist in the first place, why they have to abide to it, what are the consequences that they have to face here in Dunya as well as in Akhirah, etc. they don't understand Deen, that way of life, Guided by Allah. they knew nothing. we learnt nothing of essence during our childhood days, betul tak?

haih. so many things in mind right now. but i hope you guys get what i'm saying, right? i guess there is only so much that we can do, to fix the deteriorating society that we're living in. not to say that we have to leave them all behind, because it's never too late. but i think it's also the time for us to understand that we are the ones that can create the new society. spread the fikrah (understanding) around. to our family, friends, colleagues, your next door neighbour, that guy standing next to you in the bus. start now, with ourselves. and then when we find the right partner, who understand things like we do, and then insyaAllah we will then know better the Do's and Don'ts of raising the next generation. implement the importance of knowing AND understanding what Deen is. don't repeat the same mistakes of the earlier generations. 

a great analogy that i've heard of is; dont give them the fish, but teach them how to fish. so don't go telling our kids this and that, what to do and what not to do in Deen;  instead teach them why they need to understand their Deen, and the importance of finding guidance in understanding their Deen. itu yang penting kan? (selain dari kerjasama)

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i have a few more awesome points i wished to rant about in here, but since it is me ranting, i'm afraid that it might be too long. so insyaAllah till the next post. toodles and salam ;)

yours truly,

praying these words benefit. Ameen :)

We, The Weird Humans

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i came across a picture in MukaBuku. showing 2 malaysian artists. somewhat i think it's a poster to perhaps a new movie or drama. it was a typical pose really (which also leads me to think of how distorted our minds have become, that we begin to accept this as a norm). they were standing reeally close, and the woman as always, wore revealing clothes.

so what captured my attention was not the picture, but rather the status from that hamba Allah. i dont really remember the exact words, but more or less she questioned. when those kinds of pictures, or any obvious hukum-hukum Allah yang dilanggar are circulating around, nobody really actually bothers to give their say in it. but things like that Majlis Sambutan Tahun Baru that became a hit, so many different people condemns it. this and that is wrong, whereas we do know that most of the things they did didn't go overboard. *defensive much?heheh*

my point here is, it's a typical Syaitoonirrajim's way of diverting us from that rightful path. when we stay silent for obvious sinful things done, but for things that are not, somehow we create commotions, scrutinizing the smallest of details, that are perfectly okay in the first place.

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and personally, this is what i learned today. Allah somehow had chosen me to do certain things that are seriously testing my sanity and my faith. (okay, over sikit part sanity tu). so many feelings got involved; anxiety, stressed, confused, excited, worried, you name it.

i was worried of the things that i should do. but Abah's question was easy, am i committing a sin? i said No. then why are you worried? if it's a sin, then go ahead, be worried. if it's not, then all is well. the main point is that i'm still abiding to all His Rules.

that somehow taught me something. i reflected back to how i used to be many years back, when i did things that led me to sins. astaghifirullah. but i don't remember any feelings of being worried at that time. well, yes, maybe to a certain extent it was because i was oblivious to a lot of ilmu.

but somehow i believe that this is how the majority of us humans have turned into. the Weird Humans. when the thing is right, so many thoughts come to mind. of this and that. those was-was feeling whispered by those syaitoonirrojim. yet, when the thing is wrong, eventhough deep down we know it's wrong, those whispers don't come by. most of the time, it's those get-it-over-and-done-with attitude is what we humans opt for.

for example, when you're about to wear a dress that is slightly sexy, you'd thought, okay la. sekali ni je. it's not revealing pun. and that's it. but if we were about to wear something that covers the aurat, that is actually  appropriate, all sorts of thoughts came to mind. nanti nampak baik sangat ke? ke orang cakap tak ikhlas? drastik sangat ke perubahan aku ni? bla bla and bla. 

so i guess sometimes, when we're making decisions; it's easier to make things simple. answer some simple questions. does it abides to Allah's rules or not? is it sinful or not? and when those creepy whispers comes to mind, say Astaghfirullahala'zim instead. because yours truly, the Red Devils army, are doing their best to stop us from doing what is right.

we, are Weird Humans.

yang Haram selalu dipermudahkan.

yang Halal selalu disusahkan.

of course, these things are easier said than done. but it doesn't hurt to remind one another once in a while. :)
susah nak dapat syurga ni kan? haih~~

wallahua'lam.

yours truly,
effort-made.