the Tug

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you know that feeling? that little tug in your heart. we'd usually get one of those when we're touched, or sometimes when we felt guilt. i had one today. mine is the latter one. or perhaps it's a mixture of guilt and sadness? or even perhaps helplessness?

being a doctor in small secluded place in Pasir Akar brings me into the lives of so many elderly. i know that i have always had this soft spot for grandpas and grandmas. and seeing that i have none left now in my life, i'd often imagine them as one of my own. but the grandpas and grandmas that i see here are not those who are happily coming in with their children. they'd usually come in with worn-clothes. they'd usually come alone looking scared. they'd usually looked confused. they're usually ones who live alone. and some are still busy working to put food on the table because they are left to fend for themselves. 

and these breaks my heart in everyway.

and today, breaks me a little bit more.

i met a 72 year old lady today. she came from a nearby pondok. i find it a common thing nowadays, where these elderly would rather stay at a pondok on most days to fill their days with ibadah. when they're staying at a pondok, they'd be closer to the masjid, and they have their own peers to recite the Quran together, to listen to those kuliah Subuh together. 

so back to my patient. she came with a slightly high blood pressure reading. telling me that she missed her medications for 3 days because she couldn't find any form of transportation to come to the clinic. and since it's already 3 days of missing medications, she could't wait any longer so she walked to the clinic.

a 72 year old lady; 

walked a good 5km to the clinic.

i often heard these elderly taking the buses, or hitchhiking along the way. but this was a first. and there i was, not being able to do much. i asked around, but nobody was able to send her back. i didn't bring my car today and i don't think my boss would appreciate me leaving my job that early in the morning when i have other patients waiting for me. and all i could do at the end was ask her to rest first. to take her medications before she heads back.

i felt helpless. but i continued my work and forgotten all about her. 

until now.

hence, this is the hardest part of this job as a doctor. when we have to detach our emotions while working. because they can't get tangled up or we wouldn't be able to move forward. you'd have those tugging moments along the way, but you move along. praying your best at that moment that Allah eases them. because almost all patients are people who are struggling to live. sometimes i do wonder, why are the ones who're sick are those who are poor, the ones who are already struggling with what's on their plate? 

but remembering back that Allah Maha Adil, 

puts things back in perspective.

He Knows, 

and He Watches, 

and He Helps. 

so at the end of the day, 

i pray that they are all granted with sabr.

i pray that Allah eases their sufferings.

i pray that Allah beautifies their hearts.

i pray that Jannah awaits them at the end.

source

but i guess the tug in the heart remains. :(

"Apakah manusia mengira bahawa mereka akan dibiarkan mengatakan: 

Kami telah beriman, sedang mereka belum diuji?" 

[29:2-3]