*im writing this, cause it scares me. im writing cause im hoping that there are people out there who would pray for me. im writing cause if there are people who are in the same boat as mine, would pray with me and we will change for the better together. insyaAllah.*
have you ever felt the nagging feeling, that you're doing something wrong, but you couldn't quite put a finger on what it is. i think i had. for the past few weeks, i felt it.
i had my winter trip for the past 2 weeks. with friends who i adore; and i thoroughly enjoyed my time with them. we were walking along the places that many people wants to be at; we ate seafood at a port in barcelona. we went to a Zara shop in morocco. we ate camel tagine and many different kinds of tagines for the 8 days we had in morocco. we tried all the banana milkshakes in different kinds of restaurants just to compare which one is the best. we watched the beautiful sunset in agadir. we stroll around the market in Marrakesh, buying shawls for our mothers, jubah solat for our Dads, and jilbab for ourselves.
interesting? lucky? total fun? this would be the things others would think of seeing the things we did. listing the things i'd done always left me in awe, of how much Allah is giving me. all sorts of nikmat. i had fun. seriously, i did. the places were so nice. the friends i was with were totally fun.
But there were times, in between the videos we take, the pictures snapped, the meals we ate, the sights we were seeing, the jokes we made;
There were times,
when i felt helpless.
i felt choked.
when a thought strikes me over and over again; one day, i'll be asked. of the things i did there. the food i ate. the sights i've seen. the jokes i made. i will be asked about it won't i? the real question will be, was i doing it all for Him? or not...
of course there are times, when before we eat we say our prayers. when we were at the beach, subhanallah was the word that came out when we watched the beautiful sunset. we DO realize that Allah has given us so much. but deep down, i know it's not enough. thus, i felt helpless, choked, scared.
i felt desperate. i felt i was far from Him. too far. and the fun that im having is definitely not helping. and what's worse, i felt like a hypocrite. i've been writing in here, reminding myself and reminding others. but outside, am i living up to the reminders that im giving? astaghfirullah. astaghfirullah. astaghfirullah. what ARE you doing yan?
in the midst of my confusion, i sent a message to a friend of mine. a short desperate one. i told her i felt that im too far. alhamdulillah. her reply somewhat soothes me. and left me thinking deep.
Dan (juga) orang-orang yang apabila mengerjakan perbuatan keji atau menganiaya diri sendiri, mereka ingat akan Allah, lalu memohon ampun terhadap dosa mereka--dan siapa lagi yang dapat mengampuni dosa selain dari pada Allah? Dan mereka tidak meneruskan perbuatan kejinya itu, sedang mereka mengetahui.
"kita ingatkan , bila buat salah , lari. itulah fitrah. rupanya tak yan. fitrah manusia, akan kembali pada kasih sayangNya.... mcm Allah kata dalam ayat atas 135, bila buat salah, mereka segera ingat pada Allah. pada sape lagi nak g kalau bukan pada Dia. betul kan? biarlah org kata kita hipokrit, bila buat salah, pg jumpa tuhan."
jazakillah sister. through you, He Reminds me again of the most basic thing.
when i felt that im far, the only way was to look for Him back. not to stop what im doing just because im worried that im becoming a hypocrite, but just to ask of Him for help. cause He Always Knows what's in my head. He is always Listening whenever im sad. ashamed? embarrassed for the things that i did? well, i should be. but it'd be more stupid if i turn away from Him just because i felt ashamed.
the other night, in agadir, i was done with my Isyak prayers, and i lifted my hands to pray. at that moment, i was so grateful, of Him being the Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang, Maha Mendengar. cuz i felt comforted. despite worrying that there are so many wrong things i've done, so many things that i have neglected, He is still there. and all i need to do was look for Him.
thank You, for not leaving me.
despite how hampeh i've been as an abid. :')
ps: this entry might not be understood much. for it's one of those entries that i write to lift the burden off. to readers, again, im hoping for your prayers, for the weak me to be stronger insyaAllah. jzkk.
at a port in Barcelona. it was beautiful. :)
gazing at the sun with the nice chilly wind.
the ray of light was too beautiful.
sunset in Agadir. you can watch this everyday ^^,
Alhamdulillah for everything.