15.1.11

a trip

*im writing this, cause it scares me. im writing cause im hoping that there are people out there who would pray for me. im writing cause if there are people who are in the same boat as mine, would pray with me and we will change for the better together. insyaAllah.*

have you ever felt the nagging feeling, that you're doing something wrong, but you couldn't quite put a finger on what it is. i think i had. for the past few weeks, i felt it.

i had my winter trip for the past 2 weeks. with friends who i adore; and i thoroughly enjoyed my time with them. we were walking along the places that many people wants to be at; we ate seafood at a port in barcelona. we went to a Zara shop in morocco. we ate camel tagine and many different kinds of tagines for the 8 days we had in morocco. we tried all the banana milkshakes in different kinds of restaurants just to compare which one is the best. we watched the beautiful sunset in agadir. we stroll around the market in Marrakesh, buying shawls for our mothers, jubah solat for our Dads, and jilbab for ourselves.

interesting? lucky? total fun? this would be the things others would think of seeing the things we did. listing the things i'd done always left me in awe, of how much Allah is giving me. all sorts of nikmat. i had fun. seriously, i did. the places were so nice. the friends i was with were totally fun. 

But there were times, in between the videos we take, the pictures snapped, the meals we ate, the sights we were seeing, the jokes we made; 

There were times, 
when i felt helpless
i felt choked.

when a thought strikes me over and over again; one day, i'll be asked. of the things i did there. the food i ate. the sights i've seen. the jokes i made. i will be asked about it won't i? the real question will be, was i doing it all for Him? or not...

of course there are times, when before we eat we say our prayers. when we were at the beach, subhanallah was the word that came out when we watched the beautiful sunset. we DO realize that Allah has given us so much. but deep down, i know it's not enough. thus, i felt helpless, choked, scared.

i felt desperate. i felt i was far from Him. too far. and the fun that im having is definitely not helping. and what's worse, i felt like a hypocrite. i've been writing in here, reminding myself and reminding others. but outside, am i living up to the reminders that im giving? astaghfirullah. astaghfirullah. astaghfirullah. what ARE you doing yan? 

in the midst of my confusion, i sent a message to a friend of mine. a short desperate one. i told her i felt that im too far. alhamdulillah. her reply somewhat soothes me. and left me thinking deep.


Dan (juga) orang-orang yang apabila mengerjakan perbuatan keji atau menganiaya diri sendiri, mereka ingat akan Allah, lalu memohon ampun terhadap dosa mereka--dan siapa lagi yang dapat mengampuni dosa selain dari pada Allah? Dan mereka tidak meneruskan perbuatan kejinya itu, sedang mereka mengetahui.

(QS. 3:135)

"kita ingatkan , bila buat salah , lari. itulah fitrah. rupanya tak yan. fitrah manusia, akan kembali pada kasih sayangNya.... mcm Allah kata dalam ayat atas 135, bila buat salah, mereka segera ingat pada Allah. pada sape lagi nak g kalau bukan pada Dia. betul kan? biarlah org kata kita hipokrit, bila buat salah, pg jumpa tuhan."


jazakillah sister. through you, He Reminds me again of the most basic thing.

when i felt that im far, the only way was to look for Him back. not to stop what im doing just because im worried that im becoming a hypocrite, but just to ask of Him for help. cause He Always Knows what's in my head. He is always Listening whenever im sad. ashamed? embarrassed for the things that i did? well, i should be. but it'd be more stupid if i turn away from Him just because i felt ashamed.

the other night, in agadir, i was done with my Isyak prayers, and i lifted my hands to pray. at that moment, i was so grateful, of Him being the Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang, Maha Mendengar. cuz i felt comforted. despite worrying that there are so many wrong things i've done, so many things that i have neglected, He is still there. and all i need to do was look for Him.

to You:
thank You, for not leaving me. 
despite how hampeh i've been as an abid. :')

ps: this entry might not be understood much. for it's one of those entries that i write to lift the burden off. to readers, again, im hoping for your prayers, for the weak me to be stronger insyaAllah. jzkk.


at a port in Barcelona. it was beautiful. :)

gazing at the sun with the nice chilly wind. 

the ray of light was too beautiful. 

sunset in Agadir. you can watch this everyday ^^,

Alhamdulillah for everything.

9 comments:

sarah mdnor said...

salam yan :)

menyemak jap bley? huu somehow rase mcm bley paham that kind of feeling ur having, been there done that :( (well not exactly 'there' but u know what i mean)
anywayz, am glad u've got such a supportive friend (the one u mentioned above) to help you through. that's the best thing to happen when ur feeling down and far :D
yan, kanak2 riang who went on d trip ngan yan tu are very2 dear ones to me and i just want u to know that im glad u went with them, cuz then i know they were in good hands (hoho im sure u girls took care of each other kan :))

jzkk yan :) tc taw! salam wbt..

-sarah klate-

muhammad syafiq said...

salam,

entry pertama utk tahun baru,

semoga suksess selalu.

ಠ_ಠ said...

i always felt like this D: used to felt so hopeless in the past years, but now.. i believed everything i should, alhamdulillah. and i just.. keep the faith in Him, only.. and EVERYthing just go with flow ;D

syafiq ishak said...

:)

Anonymous said...

yaya fer sure kak yan insyaAllah.lets safe our soul together..btw,ds week i feel like insaf u kno n jealous somemore.ma buddy,Iman meninggal dunia^^innalillah~

sesungguh nya bagi org beriman,itu adalah saat berjumpa kekasih hakiki maha tinggi y di nanti.tidak ada sebab utk berduka.

tapi ada beberapa sebab utk sy rasa cemburu:-iman pergi
- dlm keadaan berpuasa sunat isnin
- setelah selesai mengimamkan solat subuh pg isnin
- setelah selesai membaca al quraan
- setelah selesai mengulangkaji pelajaran selepas subuh
- dalam redha ahli rumah mereka
- dalam redha ayah & keluarga-"takpelah tanam di kaherah, nanti jumpa di syurga insyaAllah" - skrip ust.Alim(ayah iman)apabila ditanya mahu bawa balik jenazah ke tanah air atau sebaliknya
-jenazah disemadikan di bumi anbiya'

*yaAllah iman,sy cemburu dgn awk
*saya ta mampu na sebut 'arwah' lg^^

hiduplah dengan sebenar benar kehidupan insan,insyaAllah~

Anonymous said...

http://iskandariah.perubatan.org/v1/pelajar-meninggal-dunia-akibat-keracunan-gas-pemanas-air
http://iskandariah.perubatan.org/v1/jenazah-pelajar-selamat-dikebumikan
http://iskandariah.perubatan.org/v1/entah-bila-waktuku
http://drhymki.blogspot.com/
http://3uluwwulhimmah.wordpress.com/

izyan.ariff said...

salam fara.

haih. u noe what? sometimes i do feel Allah ni kept on giving answers kat kite all the time.

i noe about Iman's death from a fren of mine. on the day itself kot. mase tu blum abes postmortem. and i ended up looking for the news about her afterwards.

even just yesterday i talked to a friend of mine about this. wondered,, seems like a very normal thing to do. pegi toilet, tu je niat. but that was the last thing we do. nk tido mlm pn her story crosses my mind a few nights ni.

but u answered. jazakillah dear. knowing that the story of her going to the bathroom before her death, seems incomplete. but u completed it :)

now i know who she is as a person. not to mention korg tgh exam kan? shahid menuntut ilmu mungkin?

jealous jgk. and more jealous cuz u got to noe her and learn from her kan? so lets keep on being jealous and keep on with our effort of our Time pulak. ^^, iA

izyan.ariff said...

@sarah

sarah dear. huhu..eventho i read the comment lame dah. i cudnt answered stret away, cuz time tu rase sdey sket. the part u mentioned u being glad, it worries me. cuz im not even sure if i played the part that u've expected or not. but of course we all did take care of one another in the best possible way we can. keep on praying for all of us here k dear? we need it so very much. evryone does kan? so jzkk dear for ur support. and jzkk for droppin by here.heheee ^^,

izyan.ariff said...

@muhammad syafiq: jzkk ^^,

@shafiq: happy 22nd :)

@mata kelip2 comel: so true. it all goes back to Him. when ur feeling down or UP.hehe. and His Flow is always the best kan? ^^,

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