Healing Chenta

note: i dedicate this post to a dear friend of mine, may Allah Ease your way. insyaAllah :)

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~it is terrible. that's why His Love is the only thing that lasts, because Death can't touch it.~

**********

Streams of wedding invitations filled facebook. Love is definitely in the air for so many, heading for a new journey together. and you can't help but be happy for them. but in the midst of all these, there are still those around you whose Love hurts them instead.

maybe i don't understand the feelings involved anymore, so i can only watch the tears. listening intently, yet not being able to make them feel any better. even if i'm saying things like "sabar" or "tak apa. ni ujian."; somehow even to me, those answers aren't enough.

********

but during the summer trip, i've had the chance to put my hands on novels from one of my favorite authors, Habiburrahman El-Shirazy. and i found something that i thought is worth sharing to my dear friend and everybody else who're in the same boat;

"Cinta sejati itu menyembuhkan,

tidak menyakitkan."

-from novel Ketika Cinta Bertasbih-

it summarizes all. when the love that we all think we have (before nikah), is actually painful for us to bear, is testing our patience, is causing us anger or jealousy, is tearing us up inside, or however awful we choose to describe it; it goes to show that we have taken the wrong step.

before i blab on further, i'd like to clarify that cinta itself is not wrong. it's just those subtle feelings you have for another. some fitrah that Allah gave us as a nikmat as well as a test on how good we are in handling them. because there's really a fine thin line, between a Love as Allah's gift, or Love coming from nafsu and syahwat. what's haram is not Love, what's haram is how we deal with it; the unnecessary phonecalls, unnecessary gifts, unnecessary dates, unnecessary ai-la-bi-yu-la-bi-ai etc. =,=''

when Love hurts, i believe it's time to look back at what have we done wrong in the whole process. because Love itself is Allah's to give. so when He does take it away, or makes things hard for you, there must be a reason to it. yes, it may be a test for us, but more often than not, it's because He's reminding us of the things that we have done wrong. so take a minute, and talk to Him, pray to Him, and ask Him for Guidance instead. 

here's an excerpt that i love in the book, it's quite self explanatory. but i'll try to simplify it a bit:

"Kerana hati kau miskin cinta dan rindu pada Allah,

jadinya kau dijajah oleh cinta dan rindu pada yang lain.

itulah yang membuatmu terseksa."

"Mencintai makhluk itu sangat berpeluang menemui kehilangan.

Kebersamaan bersama makhluk juga berpeluang mengalami perpisahan.

Cinta terhadap seseorang mungkin ditolak atau diterima.

Jika ditolak, pasti sakit rasanya."

"Tetapi mencintai Allah pasti diterima.

pasti tidak akan pernah merasai kehilangan.

Tak akan ada yang merebut Allah dari hatimu.

Tak akan ada yang merampas Allah dari hatimu."

********

i was smiling from ear to ear when i was reading this. which i believe somehow explains the misery that others are feeling when it involves Love. i might be under the spell of the book, and not quite in reality, but i can't help but think this is the real thing. it's not that easy to apply it in reality, but if we can, i think we'd be the happiest person in the whole world. why? just because;

"Cinta yang membahagiakan dan menyembuhkan

adalah cinta kepada Allah 'Azza wa Jalla."

i'm no Dr Love. i'm merely someone who's still developing my beliefs. and i choose to believe in this. because it's the only way to keep us safe, from cinta dunia, and especially from cinta manusia. and to you dearest friend, i hope with constant prayers, you'll believe in this too. insyaAllah :)

wallahua'lam.

*****

ps: yes, i hereby admit that this book was the talk of the town years back. and as always, i'm a late-bloomer, who always go crazy for things that people have forgotten about. and yes, i suggest everyone to read this book. if you already have, read them again. you learn so much more. and no, it's not all about love. =,=''

pps:  i'm not into their movies. =,='' tak cukup kick. heheh :)

Sanah Helwah Mama

Allah has put Mothers so high up in the hierarchy.

Allah s.w.t

Prophet Muhammad S.A.W

Mother

Mother

Mother

Father

and the reasons for this are those we all already know of; that they carried us for 9 months, having to bear the pain of childbirth, and so many other things that we can't really describe. but the fact remains, nobody really knows for sure what is really going on in a mother’s head and a mother’s heart.

her dedication.

her passion.

her warmth.

her love for her children.

nobody can really know, not until you become a mother yourself. even then, your experience as a mother will never be the same with your own mother. so i guess it's back to square one; we can’t really know what does a mother goes through.

but Allah Knows.

so that’s why He raised Mothers way up to the highest pedestal. and we? we can only wonder.

*************

25th June 1958

Sanah Helwah Mama :)

evidently, without your prayers everyday and every night,

i will never be where i am now, who i am now.

ya Allah, Ease my way to please her with the Time You gave me.

ya Allah, Grant her Jannatul Firdausi.

ya Allah, i pray i'm able to meet her There too. :')

*******

ps: random memories; one time, the whole town had a blackout. in the middle of the night. so i went to sleep in parents' room. and they opened the windows to let the cool air in. but of course Mr Mosquitoes came buzzing in too. and as i was hazily going into dreamland, i heard some small slapping sound near me. it was Mama; abandoning her sleep. sitting around her children, worried that we might be bitten by those mosquitoes. i don't know how long she stayed up like that. but i remembered at that time, all i could think of was; "i love you mama." 

pps: can't wait for the warmth of her hug. mama, abah and Lin will be coming over this Thursday before my big day. us siblings (kakak, abe ammar, abe and kak ita) are planning a surprise belated-birthday for her insyaAllah. can't wait! may He Ease. (no worries. the parents are too traditional to read their own daughter's blog.) :P

Just Another Traveler?

note: i've been aching to write about some things that have been bugging me this past week. so bear with me readers. =,='' but more than anything, i hope that my writings benefit. Aamiin :)

***********

nobody can deny that the best perks of studying abroad, is that you are able to travel to places that many people dreamed of. London, Paris, Spain, Rome, Vienna etc; you can name them all. i've had my fair share of travelling done too, alhamdulillah. yes, it's one of those nikmat Allah had given us. but as much as it is a nikmat, i remind myself and everyone else out there that we all have questions that will need some answering to; for all those exultant travels we made.

where did we go?

who went with us?

what did we do?

and why did we do it?

and trails of never ending questions.

which can all be answered well, if our nawaitu (intention) is correct.

*sigh. semoga Allah memudahkan urusan hisab kita*

****************

anyhow. that's not my point for this post. :)

ever since we were small, we were always told that when we are travelling (after certain distances), we are then considered as musafir. because apparently only then are we warranted to perform our jamak prayers. and later on, when i came abroad, once people heard the word musafir, there would always be an abrupt reply like this;

"ouh nak travel?? doakaaan~~

doa musafir kan makbul."

almost always. and because of that, i've grown to believe that yes, when we travel, our prayers will be answered; until now. think of it, if i were to travel to Las Vegas and head to the casinos, would my prayers be answered? or if i went travelling with Mr Boyfie (naudzubillah), would i be called a musafir?

and thus, my belief has somewhat changed. in my opinion now, for one to gain that title, is actually not that easy. your intention, your acts, your words, and every little thing that you do during those travels, define you as a musafir or not. but alhamdulillah, one thing i learnt from my latest summer trip is that;

the more you question things,

the more you think about it.

and the more you think about it,

the more prudent you are with everything that you do.

so, alhamdulillah. we were pointing out to one another, time and time again, to renew our intentions, with the hope that we gained the title of musafir. for example when we find ourselves in the midst of exposed skins under the burning Sun, and everybody is staring and wondering how do these four girls stand the heat? or when people literally took pictures of us when we were resting under the tree shade (im guessing they couldn't contain their curiosity no more). or even when the whole coach stares at us in the train for the whole trip.

we prayed in those moments, that our existence sparked the little curiosity and fitrah within them,  to find out what Islam is, and in finding Our Creator. well, a girl can always dream big, right? insyaAllah. 

maybe only then,

our summer trip would define us as either a true Musafir,

or just another Traveler.

(and hopefully He Grant us our prayers. kofkof* especially the special ones *kofkof*)

wallahua'lam.

Summer Trip 2012

Day 1: Hradec Kralove, Checz Republic.

Day 2: Prague

Day 3: Vienna

Day 4: Budapest

as always,

Alhamdulillah a'la kulli hal. 

ps: off back home to Malaysia. doakan :)

Post It

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selalu;
we worry of those whom we haven't talked to for so long.
we worry of those whom we haven't met for so long.

diorang kecik hati ke?
diorang sedih ke?

we wonder to ourselves,
have we not taken a good care of our silaturrahim (relationships) with others?

tapi;
the truth is, we won't ever be able to take care of all the relationships that we have.
be it with the close ones, or even ones that we have just met.

but the beautiful thing here is,
when we do remember them,
we are always able to make do'a for them.

without having to post them gifts.
or give them well-wishes.
or post things on their wall.
or poke them on facebook.

make do'a for whoever comes to mind,
and post it to Him.
InsyaAllah,
He Takes Care of the rest.

beautiful kan?
i think so too.

words of wisdom for the day;
Jaga hubungan dengan Allah,
nescaya terjaga hubungan dengan Manusia.
(sorry i don't know if this is a hadith or not)

What Are We Doing?

UCD 2014 Malaysian-Singaporean batch insyaAllah. *some are missing though*

yesterday, most of my Malaysian-Singaporean batch went to eat together. somewhat a gathering after everyone finally finished the 3-day examination. i was the only one who had an exam on the first day. :) which explains this post.

so we head out to Warung Kita. a famous small Malaysian-restaurant here in Dublin. we talked about the exams, the answers we blurted out, the scary/nice consultants, the summer plans, our hospitals next semester etc. but one thing for sure, you could smell the fresh air of relief all around. 

as we were chatting, i could sense that we were all reprieved from all the pressure we have built up before. serious susah exam ni. but apparently it's only our first long case examination. and soon we will be heading for our 4th year insyaAllah, with many more long case examinations tagging along-side. =,=''

subhanallah, how time flies. i remembered coming to Dublin and seeing 4th year sisters, and they looked so matured, intelligent and cool and everything! and now that we are almost there, i have yet to find that matured+intelligent+cool combo within me ...=,=''

and the 4th year is supposed to be the most challenging year of all for a medical student. and then i thought about the 5th year, which is also a really scary period; when you're just a few steps away from being let out into the wild to mend the sick beings. 

but even after a medical degree, the scourge won't stop there. i've bumped into so many articles about this very special field. of how it's a never-ending learning process. you thought your exams are excruciating now, but you will have thousands more coming even after getting that medical Degree scroll. c'est la vie.

and the fact that you're like slaves at times. you thought people have high respect for you, to only realize that most of them hate the very sight of you. that you're expected to be a very good doctor, foolproof at all times, despite having slept for only 3 hours in 2 days. 

and at the same time, you're expected to be a good loving husband/wife, mother/father, a good friend, and most importantly a good Muslim/Muslimah; i seriously wonder how does one juggle all these?

*********

sometimes when us girls sit down and talk, we do wonder what have we gotten ourselves into? aren't we supposed to be the motherly mother; who sits at home, being pretty for the hubby, raising the kids, jahit baju, lipat kain, masak sedap. well, you get the gist. 

why did we choose a life that is scary? why did we choose something that might take its toll on us? why did we choose a field, that scares most, if not all, guys? *nak jugak sebut yang ni. yelah, siapa nak isteri on-call. siapa nak isteri takde kat rumah. siapa nak isteri balik-balik menangis? 

looking from that perspective, things do seem to not be on our side of the bargain.

**************

but then, the fact remains that we are already in this. and what's the point of looking at a glass half empty, when it is actually half full?

because no matter how bad things seem to be directing to, i can't deny that with the right intentions (niat Lillahi Taala), this job brings you close to Him. when people are sick, they are usually scared and desperate. and when they are desperate, they would usually cling on someone they trust. and if it is the Doctors who they are clinging onto, wouldn't it be the best of time to remind them that, Allah s.w.t is the One that we all should cling on to?

********

and what about the never-ending learning process that a doctor should face? the constant exams even if you're already in the work field. Haven't we heard of the hadith:

Seseorang yang keluar dari rumahnya untuk menuntut ilmu 

niscaya Allah akan mudahkan baginya jalan menuju Syurga 

(Shahih Al jami)

********

and last and the very least concern of all, is that we constantly hear nobody wants a wifey-doctor. but that's something that doesn't warrant a space in our thoughts. because Allah All Mighty chooses which Muslim for another Muslimah. that's what jodoh is. one will definitely complete the other with His Will. one will definitely understands the other with His Will. doctor or not. :)

so we're back to question one: 

What are we actually doing?

the answer is rather simple:

we are all just seeking His Redha.

albeit the rather complicated and challenging path. 

so, all iz well.

all iz well. :)

ps: and who says that being a doctor deter you from being the best of spouse/parents/friends?

Allah kan ada. He'll Guide as long as we make the effort. :)

semoga Allah permudahkan.

Aamiin. :)

mind rant 5# : My Date

yesterday before the exam, i made a promise to myself. whatever happens, i'm going for a Date. 

*the Date* :)

*******

we always have a first to everything. and today is my first long case examination. the first for the many to come in my next 2 years left insyaAllah. it was hard. on all of us. our seniors, the interns, the SHOs, the REGs and even the consultants have briefed us countless times of how and what it consist of. but that had never made us feel any better prepared for what was to come. 

because despite the effort that we were making, somehow everything seems not right. the more we read, the more we realize how much we don't know and need to know; not to mention the more we forget the things we have read! we prepared template answers, practiced on one another, asked for tips, but the fact remains: anything can happen.

and that 'anything' happened to me. the seniors told us many times before, of the things that won't and may come up; cardiac, respi, GI, neuro yadda yadda. and guess what i got today? orthopaedics. something that none of us have really prepared for, because you rarely hear people get it for their first long case examination. they were those chapters that you would simply flip through without even giving a second glance. no templates prepared. and it was an area that i have never got a chance to be involved with in the last 9 weeks of hospital rotations this semester. when i saw the sign Orthopaedic, one thought popped: "what does Allah have in store for me?"

but it happened anyway; the exam that is. and Alhamdulillah, is the only kalimah that i can think of. i don't think i did great. i don't think i answered all the questions well. i don't think i did all the steps beautifully. i don't think i presented flawlessly. i don't even know if i even passed the test just now! (huhu. doakan~)  

but i am convinced that whatever came out of me, was because of His Will. it was because of His Plans.

so looking back, i have so many things to thank Him for, rather than worry of the tiny bits that i have done wrong. Alhamdulillah, bukan tergagap-gagap pun. Alhamdulillah, the consultants were encouraging. Alhamdulillah, the patient was super nice. Alhamdulillah, i didn't go blank. Alhamdulillah, the intern was helpful. and most importantly, Alhamdulillah; Allah bagi hati yang tenang. and Alhamdulillah, through those around me, i felt Loved. :')

when i got texts from random and close friends wishing me luck. entahla, call me jiwang karat, but if Allah is able to let others think of me; let alone Him, the ultimate Lover of His hamba? and best of all, i realized that  through all this, He kept reminding me of Him. so how can i not be thankful?

****

lastnight, before i was about to sleep (because my tummy were doing somersaults) =,='', i 'whatsapp'ed my siblings. asking them to pray for me the next day. only to have kakak replying straight away; (it was 5am malaysia time);

"kakak baru habis solat hajat kat yan. Adik kakak boleh buat. Allah akan tunjuk jalan for u." 

this text left me crying to sleep.

and Abah's texts greeted me from time to time during the whole exam:

"Goodluck syg. Allah bersama yan. we all pray for you. Selawat banyak2."

"abah mama tengah mengaji (read Quran) for yan."

with them around me, how can i not be thankful?

*******

and so i head for the Date today, determined. to tell Him everything. to thank Him for everything. but words didn't really came out much today. all i did was to lift my hand, and i already knew that He Knew everything. but somehow, there was contentment in that little act; of lifting your hands to pray. i felt relief. serenity. over-whelmed. later in my Date, there was only one surah on my mind that i wanted to recite: it was Ar-Rahman. :')

فَبِأَىِّ ءَالَآءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ 

"Maka nikmat Tuhan kamu yang manakah yang kamu dustakan?"

to You,

make me a thankful abid with Your nikmat.

make me a thankful abid with Your ujian.

make me a thankful abid with Your Qada' & Qadar.

because You always Know best.

that was my Date. i pray that everyone have theirs too. :)

killing time before the date: 1. checking out books at Eason. 2. flowers for the birthday girl:Suha. 3. breakfast after exam.alone.awkward. 4. sempat lagi. girls will always be girls.

after draining myself 'intellectually' and emotionally. i decided to drain myself physically.
walked back home along the paths that i miss. took 40 minutes. in the drizzle. :)

ps: and Happy Birthday kakak, one of my best gift in life. praying that the years gone by have made you closer to Him, and the years to come will only make you even closer. Aamiin :) * i might do something for you. heh. mungkin je la. :)*

oh, and Assalamualaikum summer holiday :))

Manly Tears

*forgive me for the weird title*

*******

"Tears are words 

the heart can't say."

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as i'm writing this, my face is flushed, with two very bulgy eyes, and a very red nose. plus, a tissue in hand. i had a similar episode just this morning too. yes, i just had my 'hyperlacrimative' episodes today. (read: attempt to sound cool).

Allah Willing, i bumped into two great videos, which i truly believe will touch every single heart there is out there. since the videos impacted me this much, i thought it'd be a great waste (and very selfish too) if i were to keep all the reminders to myself.

both videos are the things that we have always heard of, things that we have read into countless times. but it's always amazing when we are able to feel the same kind of emotions everytime we watch or hear about them. 

so here's the one that i found this morning, jazakallah to akh HM for posting it on FB.

[53 minutes long]

and here's the other one, the reason to my state at the moment =,=''. i bumped into Incik Kazak's blog for the first time, and found this video that he made. i read the entry beforehand, and was somewhat prepared for what was to come. because he actually warned that it had brought out the manly tears  in him and his friends, let alone a 'kilang air mata' like me. =,=''

[10 minutes]

after all these; i'm reminded of one of the verses in the Quran:

إِذَا تُتۡلَىٰ عَلَيۡهِمۡ ءَايَـٰتُ ٱلرَّحۡمَـٰنِ خَرُّواْ سُجَّدً۬ا وَبُكِيًّ۬ا 

"..Apabila dibacakan ayat-ayat Allah Yang Maha Pemurah kepada mereka, 

maka mereka menyungkur dengan bersujud dan menangis." 

[19:58]

Allahu Allah. it's definitely not an easy thing, to let the tears stream down. and not just any tears, we are reminded that the tears should be the ones that are seeking forgiveness. ones that are scared of the sins. ones that are worried of the Hereafter. ones that are pushing away Dunya. ones that are missing our Beloved Prophet. ones that wish to meet their Rabb. :'( susah. memang susah.

but now, we cried everyday, for all the wrong reasons.

menangis rindu boyfriend.

menangis hubungan tak direstu. 

(who told you to hide it from the parents?)

menangis putus tunang.

menangis tengok cerita korea.

menangis tengok Manchester United kalah.

menangis bila Lee Chong Wei patah kaki.

the list goes on. 

teringat kisah-kisah sahabat, orang-orang soleh;

when they cried because they are worried of their fate in the HereAfter,

but we are crying because we are worried of losing our Dunya.

*istighfar*

apa-apa pun; may both videos benefit (which im pretty sure they will). may the reminders push us further in our Race towards Him. praying that we all reach our goals insyaAllah; to meet our Beloved Prophet Muhammad S.A.W. and definitely to meet Our Creator, back in Jannah. Aamiin ya Rabb.

hoping these reminders will bring out the tears within you,

manly or not. :')

wallahua'lam.

Healthy Wealthy

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i was waiting for a friend in the middle of the city yesterday. just beside the Spire. right smack in the middle. thus, i had a wonderful overview of a sea of people. i watch. i see. i think. *hadoihh*

i see people with shopping bags. 

Prada. Gucci. Dolce + Gabbana. LV. 

Iphone in one hand. Ipad in the other.

Land Rovers, Jaguars, Mercedez passed by the busy road.

"ramai rupanya manusia kaya nih." i thought to myself.

and today, i had my usual whatsapp chat with my little bestie (you know who you are, makcik). and i told her i was scared of seeing those huge cars, those branded things, those cool gadgets. and she goes to explain to me all the relevant things that what we see is not what we think. that not everybody wants to show off the things they buy etc. i agree to all her points. but i was still worried. because i actually am not worried of how others dealt with their wealth, i was worried of my own. (not that i have any..)

i remembered i once met a 'Datin' back in Belgium. a very nice motherly lady, but all she talks about was the places she went to, and all the things that she bought. and fairly enough, as we stepped outside the shop, we were welcomed with about 20 shopping bags outside, with her son waiting. i pray that her heart was not as influenced with the branded things, as much as her spoken words were.

when i see people with these things;

huge cars. huge homes.

expensive jewelleries. 

branded bags and accessories.

i wondered how do they cope?

because sadly, i dont think i can. 

pakai baju cantik sikit, lepas tu ada orang puji pun, dah kalut kena istighfar. =.=" so how can i handle things that will definitely capture the eyes of the society that we are living in? because deny it as much as we can,  but we do live in a world where contentment (albeit temporary) comes with the branded things that we buy; we live in a world where the things we wear, are what people stare at. *istighfar*. and most importantly, i don't think i'm able to do it either; to walk, with a 1000euro bag on my shoulder, past a frailed-looking women on the sidewalk, trying to sell vegetables just to have some food on the table for lunch. :(

to seek wealth, is fitrah.

to have wealth, is ujian.

because having Wealth with a Healthy heart is, apparently, not easy.

so if we will ever be given that ujian later on in life, let us pray that our Hearts are healthy enough to handle those Wealth. insyaAllah. and if you are already facing them, still pray that Allah Keep those hearts of yours healthy. :)

and here's one of Dad's constant words of wisdom;

"Zuhud doesn't mean not having anything.

It just means your heart is not affected with anything that you have."

thank you Abah. i'll keep that in mind. :)

إِنَّمَآ أَمۡوَٲلُكُمۡ وَأَوۡلَـٰدُكُمۡ فِتۡنَةٌ۬‌ۚ وَٱللَّهُ عِندَهُ ۥۤ أَجۡرٌ عَظِيمٌ۬

Sesungguhnya hartamu dan anak-anakmu hanyalah cobaan [bagimu]: 

di sisi Allah-lah pahala yang besar. 

[64:15]

wallahua'lam.

-menjaga hati is definitely not easy-