soon

lebih kurang 1 jam lagi. (the time above is for Dublin). then it's officially another Ramadhan for me. but anything can happen within that 1 hour kan? this year, i think Allah has granted me a new feeling. restless. i feel restless, nervous. and at times; you know that sudden feeling you get, macam ade orang pegi cengkam/cabut jantung suddenly, and then badan seram sejuk; yup. that one. thankfully yang tu jarang-jarang. but most of the time, restless. that's what i've been feeling as ramadhan draws closer. i've never felt this way about ramadhan before. 

you're just scared. not knowing whether you are among those who will be benefiting from His Rahmat; and one of the biggest rahmat of all; which is to be experiencing Ramadhan. this thought usually crosses my mind whenever someone dies. "aritu rupenye last ramadhan die." i'm not sure why, but this thought keeps popping in my head. almost always. but it's the other way around this time. i was thinking of the so many people somewhere out there that Allah's taken before ramadhan. and to confirm my paranoia, the front page of the news today showed one  whose time was up. (and i got that tercabut jantung feeling again this morning.)

i wont be talking about how blessed this month is. everybody knows about it by now, insyaAllah.  so many books that we can read, so many talks that we can listen to that explains about Ramadhan. its many names itself described what Ramadhan is: Syahru at-Tarbiyah, syahru al-jihad, syahru al-Quran, syahru al-ibadah and so many more. but again, i was a bit scared. wondering will i be around for this ramadhan. and even if i am, for how long? will it be long enough to help me clear out my sins? astaghfirullah.

but you know what's more scary? if we're one of these:

"...Celaka seseorang yang masuk bulan Ramadhan 

tetapi keluar dari bulan Ramadhan tidak diampuni dosanya oleh Allah..." 

(Hadith Bukhari)

let's give our all in this holy Month. for it's the time to tame our hawa, to make sure that when the stinky devils come back and meet us in a month they'd be shocked as hell (but they are from hell. okay. lame joke) . give our all to prepare ourselves for the next 11 months ahead, and Allah-willing for the years ahead of us, insyaAllah. for those who wants to make a milestone change, try and aim for it this time around. we might have not been strong enough before, but with all the barakah in Ramadhan that Allah had Promised us, who knows it will make us stronger than ever for all the changes that we want to make. and who's better in keeping promises than Our Creator? ;)

pray much. make du'a. jangan tinggal al-Quran.

it's a truly blessed month coming our way.

can you feel it? :')

Salam Ramadhan al-Mubarak.

yours truly,

reminding others to remind herself. :)

rabun jauh

cute pinky specy baby from this web

diari seorang yang bermata empat :P sometimes you're frustated with the fact that you cant see far, so you dont appreciate the last remaining 'length' of your vision that you can still see clearly. =,=''

********

jealous. of how others seems to have a lot in their cup. (btul ke usage 'cup' ni?). jealous. of seeing others going here and there, doing the best they can to contribute to the society. jealous. seeing others helping random people they meet. jealous. seeing others opening up so many opportunities for so many others. i was so jealous of looking at what people were doing, and i forgot to have a look into what I was doing.

it felt like i was wasting away. i felt like i was not working hard. others out there were physically doing things. pergi balik KL. drive situ sini. email macam-macam benda. whilst me? flipping pages of magazines and books only at home with my family. spending time with them. mind you, i  was happy. still am. but it seems not enough. and even when i faced things that got me thinking deep, or read things that i felt like i wanna write it in here straight away and share it with others; i only ended up thinking about it all by myself. why? because i felt like i was too hampeh to share things with others. im not doing much pun. so what's the use of telling others to perk up while all the while im just staying home? 

but i think i was wrong for the past weeks.

a muslim should not be one who dwell about what he/she can't do. 

instead be one who focuses on doing the best of what they can do.

i was being a typical weak human being. who weigh things like humans do. and not leave them for Allah to decide how they should be weighed. thus, i was too busy looking at all the great things that others are doing, forgetting to appreciate the simple things that Allah also asked us to do.

like reminding your sister to stop studying for a while and pray on time. or helping your mama with the laundry, cooking, dishes, kebun and all other house-chores. or ironing dad's baju melayu for masjid. or discussing with mama how we are gonna cure women's biggest enemy: mengumpat. or talking nicely to the lady at the bookstore (whilst sharing with her which religious book she should read) or urut-urut grandma's feet during the weekly tahlil.

the opportunities of doing dakwah doesn't only lie in programmes, or radio shows, or being a columnist in a very cool magazine (yes, im in love with solusi by the way). but it lies also in how you bring yourself in front of the so many people around you. and not necessarily towards specific groups of people like students at school etc. but to everybody that had the chance to meet you and see you every other day. be it your parents, your siblings, your aunts uncles, kawan-kawan adik, the schoolgirls that passes by, the cashier at KB Mall, the jiran-jiran around the house; basically anyone.

these are the people that you meet everyday. some we know, but mostly are random people that we dont know. jadilah orang yang berfaedah untuk everybody else. spread amar makruf & nahi munkar, by just being the best of you; according to sunnah and al-Quran.

bersangka baiklah dengan Allah.

when the door in front of you seems to be closed and locked up, 
remember that there's always another door opening behind you;

so stop being sad and feeling hampeh in front of the closed door, pusing la belakang and walk towards the open door. dont we always know that He is Al-Khaliq? setakat creating doors ni kerja senang je. :) 

ps: if you ended up being a girl who sits at home, then be one who always cheer for friends who are able to go out and about. if you ended up being a wife who sits at home, be one who cheers for mr hubby when he comes home tired after spreading islam. when you ended up being a mom who sits at home, be one who prepare her children well for the outside world full of syaitooon and his gang.

*macam semangat. lols*

wallahua'lam.

yours truly,

one who wants to embrace her path as long as it's not wrong.

sleep

abah and mama came in the room to kiss us goodnight. then i draped the comforter over me, while lin switched off the lights, leaving her study lamp on though; so the room is not too dark. (you can still make out the outlines of things in the room) "goodnight lin. i love you." "love you too." and then i started gerak sikit situ-sini finding the most comfortable position.

closing my eyes, a few sunnah rasullullah that most of us have been doing since we were small came to mind. with some additions through our current readings here and there. "bismikAllahumma ahya wa amut."

remembered that we have to sleep on our right side, so i ended up turning towards the right; eyes still closed. then the usual rituals; done with doa. 4 qul. istighfar. selawat. and then remembered che (grandma) telling me about repeating bismillah 21 times. not sure where that comes from; never mind. boleh je buat. 

by the 21st bismillah. "eh, tak lena lagi?" ok, continue on with subhanallah. alhamdulillah. allahuakbar. and since these doesn't involve any specific numbers in my head, so the mind started to go elsewhere despite the zikir going on at the lips. tiba-tiba teringat alam barzakh.

just as sudden as the thought, i opened my eyes which had been closed all those while. it was dark. my eyes adjusted with the darkness and realized that i was facing the wall. due to the close proximity to it (the wall), it felt like i was in a very small space. astaghfirullahal'azim.

it scares me, to think that one day; and that day will certainly come; when i will open my eyes, and i will definitely be in that small space. no comforter, not a wall in front of me but soil. no abah and mama next door, just alone. completely alone. and only Allah Knows what will happen next. and i can only imagine how panic-stricken i will be. scared beyond anything else, knowing that we are there. dead. no chance of going back. none. at all.

but as of now, im still on my bed. in a place i call home. my sister is just on the other bed. abah and mama in the other room.

i closed my eyes back again, pleading in my heart that Allah is there with me when that time comes. praying that He's there for me like He has always been for all His hamba. when thinking of the afterlife, it's a scary thought. you cant even describe it with words kan? i closed my eyes again, this time with tears all over the pillow. tears of fear? tears of gratitude? wallahua'lam. but all the while thanking Him for the time given, and praying that again, He will give me another tomorrow. insyaAllah.

********

but truthfully, sleeping like this doesn't happen as often as i wished for. mostly i just hit the bed with only doa tidur. no reminders, no muhasabah. astaghfirullahalazim. may He Forgive me for my forgetfulness. 

remembered something i found in Solusi. if im not mistaken it was quoted by Sayidina Ali R.A. simple words. but it hit me hard. i hope it does the same to everyone too. 

"manusia itu, hidupnya terlena. matinya terjaga."

wallahua'lam.

yours truly,
yang ingin terjaga. hidup dan mati.

the thing everybody's talking about lately.

yep. that thing. from the B to the H. there are different perceptions, different ideas here and there. many talked about it, but ended up in heated arguments instead; me no likey. reading comments already left me all tired.  coward i might be, but that's just my nature. in the end, i think the most important thing is bersihkan hati. kan? but everything happens for a reason. and all i can do is pray that Allah is watching over Malaysia and it's people. ameen.

here's 2 videos that caught my attention; but don't necessarily show my stand. cuz i dont know the story from both sides, so i dont wanna talk much. i can only pray untuk yang terbaik. wallahu'alam. 

ps: but some things just cant be denied. haih...we lack common sense. =,=''



yours truly,
budak suka ambik jalan mudah. T,T

i love you, err..ron weasley ;)

dont know why.

these two pictures are very veryyy much heart-warming.

missed those times when i first heard of HP series in standard 6.

and started reading the first 3 books despite them being on the shelf for a few years already.

and finding myself getting very much hooked to it.

the excitement of seeing flashes of my imaginations on the TV; the first trailer.

the guilt yet excitement when abah searched for the book constantly when the new ones are out. 

(susah nak cari buku ni kat kelantan for the 4th and 5th book)

when i cried on my bed when Sirius died, in the 5th book.

the very short time i took to finish the books. (i'm amazed too sometimes)

the fact that i can remember details of the story even after so many years. (why cant medicine be like that?huhu)

i am a harry potter fan at 13, 

and at almost-22 i still am. ^^,

yours truly,

one who has a crush on ron since Book One :)

reassurance

**err..a slightly different kind of reassurance? ;)**

obtained from: http://jooperwits.com/

took longer for me to write  a post today. tak biase with the new layout blogger has to offer. thought i was in the wrong web or something just now. now that i'm over the excitement of having a look around the new blogger, i'd like to share something that i learn this morning. i was listening to mama's idol earlier, kind of like a celebrity crush or something. in a good way that is. hehe. it was just another recap of one of her talks before; and the same word came across me; just like the first time i listened to the radio show. it's reassurance.

so after some introductions, there will be this session where callers came in, and i don't know why, but for this particular topic, many called with so many problems, they were even crying too; some had problems with family members, some with work, some couldn't cope with death, some felt teraniaya and so on.

alhamdulillah for her, i think Allah had granted her a gift; the confidence in her voice, is enough to keep you going. and i realized one thing. among the callers, most of them if not all; already know the answers to the questions they posed. because, in my opinion, and take this positively because i have no intention of belittling anyone; i think that most of the answers Prof Muhaya had given are things that they all already know of. some even answered a bit while posing their questions. the answers include things like; we have to be ikhlas, ask for God's help, pray  a lot, jaga solat, husnuzon, buat baik kepada orang lain and the list goes on.

But, the confidence and the assurance behind her message, is what makes her special; is what, in my opinion, are what the listeners are looking for. she is someone who tells another straight away what we should and shouldn't do. and she's someone who is so positive that it's hard for you to say NO to. i pray that all goes well for her, she'd been an inspiration to many, and a big help too, insyaAllah.

***********

and so reassurance, i believe, is the thing in question now. so many out there, find assurance in the things that they do through readings, and experiences. so we know it's right. but the thing that us human need, especially in times of need, is definitely reassurance. to know whether what we are doing is not just right, but REALLY is the right thing. 

that's why you have your family, or your bestfriend or anyone for that matter. even blogging. like what im doing now, im writing something down, and seeing others' comments and likes, gives me the reassurance that ok, im not blabbing on the wrong stuff here. (does that mean those with 0 comments and 0  likes are wrong? ok. now i know. lol)

anyway, my point is, reassurance is something that many need in their everyday lives. and i guess in a way it shows that in practicing islam, we need jemaah. we need others around us, who have the same aim with us insyaAllah; which is to be an a'bid, and a khalifah.

but all the while knowing, the best of those who can give you assurance is the All Watching from above. :)

Nabi SAW bersabda, “…Hendaklah kamu hidup berjemaah dan janganlah berpecah-belah, kerana syaitan itu menyertai orang yang bersendirian, sedangkan terhadap dua orang ia lebih menjauh. Barangsiapa yang menginginkan tengah-tengah syurga maka ia hendaklah menetapi jemaah.” (Riwayat Tirmidzi)

wallahua'lam.

sape kate tak tau?

translated: who says we don't know?

sipping nescafee during my supper with mama. having small talks in the kitchen with her, talking about the day i guess. but i couldn't quite remember what we were talking about but we ended up talking about solat.

**translated version again, if i write it in Kelate i guess many wont comprehend.heheh.**

mama : there's a lot of people out there who perform prayers only when they feel like it.

yan    : pelik le yan. dont they feel anything? guilty ke ape ke? dont  they know it's dosa besar?

mama : of course they knew. but it's the same like us. we know how best Qiyamullail is, how Allah love those who woke up at night for Him, tapi berape orang je bangun?

silence.

that left me in awe. of mama's way of thinking, as well as of how true it is. everybody is the same. i guess we all knew a lot of things. but doing it is the main problem.

doa allah bagi kekuatan. 

yours truly,

one who loves her mama much. ;)

looking out the car window

my summer days would consist mostly of me having to follow my parents around doing their thing: going to the bank, settling payments here and there, ambik lin sekolah, pegi rumah aunty etc. so the usual thing i'd do is be the talkative one to make jokes, cerita balik artikel dalam Solusi, or just plainly intrude conversations orang tua. but those are the times when im a bit perky due to the excessive nescafee consumption during breakfast.  at other time, i'd be doing another thing; looking out the car window.

***************

i saw an old guy, sitting in front of the front door of his wooden house.
shirtless; maybe due to the heat in the house, staring out at the cars passing by.
i wonder what he's thinking of? is his children home? are they taking good care of him?
or are they all away? is he sick? is he happy? why is he all skinny?
was he thinking of death? is he still able to perform prayers at the mosque?

i saw a guy, maybe in his late 20s.
he wore khaki pants, not fully buttoned old kemeja, and selipar jepun.
he was not all clean, he was walking with a plastic bag in his hand.
i wonder is he a father? it's already night time, so has he just got back from work?
or is he not yet married? then where is he heading? or will he be hanging out at the nearest gerai till midnight?

i saw a makcik, trying to cross the road.
she was wearing a tudung, crossing it over her shoulders. and... berkemban.
i wondered, she must've still been around her neighborhood.
she may think it's too hasty to prep herself up just to cross the road to go to perhaps another family's house?
i wonder if she really doesn't know much about aurat? what her surrounding is like?
how would her children be? do they get proper education? will they study harder at school?
or will they end up being a rempit?

i saw a guy, quite old. maybe around 40s.
but he was so skinny, with long bushy hair. he had earings, and looked messy.
i wondered if he's involved with drugs? i wonder if he has a home?
does he have a family? of course he would. but where are they?
had they given up on him? or if not, how are they living together?

i saw two malay girls on a motorcycle. they were both busy with their phones.
while waiting for the traffic light to turn green.
then a car, with some guys around my age were passing in front of the girls.
and even in that few seconds, the driver was able to give some smooching signs to the girls.
and they were giggling all shy i guess.
i wonder did they like it? the attention that they get from random guys they meet on the streets?

********************

i like looking out the car window. cause i get to see a lot of things. i get to see many kinds of people. judgmental i might be, but it's kind of thrilling to wonder how the lives are behind these people i see. and definitely, it helps me think deeper.

but behind the thrills and the thoughts, i cant help but feel tired inside. thinking of where these people and i myself might end up in. one or the other remember? there are so much differences between all of us, and all will be weighed differently; according to how much we knew, how much we understood, and how much we had done.

but we all know that Allah is Just. and it's us who are ignorant and self-centered. most of the time.

"These are the Signs of Allah: We rehearse them to thee in Truth:

and Allah means no injustice to any of His creatures."

 [3:108]

 wallahua'lam.

yours truly,

one who's weak. most of the time.