sleep

abah and mama came in the room to kiss us goodnight. then i draped the comforter over me, while lin switched off the lights, leaving her study lamp on though; so the room is not too dark. (you can still make out the outlines of things in the room) "goodnight lin. i love you." "love you too." and then i started gerak sikit situ-sini finding the most comfortable position.

closing my eyes, a few sunnah rasullullah that most of us have been doing since we were small came to mind. with some additions through our current readings here and there. "bismikAllahumma ahya wa amut."

remembered that we have to sleep on our right side, so i ended up turning towards the right; eyes still closed. then the usual rituals; done with doa. 4 qul. istighfar. selawat. and then remembered che (grandma) telling me about repeating bismillah 21 times. not sure where that comes from; never mind. boleh je buat. 

by the 21st bismillah. "eh, tak lena lagi?" ok, continue on with subhanallah. alhamdulillah. allahuakbar. and since these doesn't involve any specific numbers in my head, so the mind started to go elsewhere despite the zikir going on at the lips. tiba-tiba teringat alam barzakh.

just as sudden as the thought, i opened my eyes which had been closed all those while. it was dark. my eyes adjusted with the darkness and realized that i was facing the wall. due to the close proximity to it (the wall), it felt like i was in a very small space. astaghfirullahal'azim.

it scares me, to think that one day; and that day will certainly come; when i will open my eyes, and i will definitely be in that small space. no comforter, not a wall in front of me but soil. no abah and mama next door, just alone. completely alone. and only Allah Knows what will happen next. and i can only imagine how panic-stricken i will be. scared beyond anything else, knowing that we are there. dead. no chance of going back. none. at all.

but as of now, im still on my bed. in a place i call home. my sister is just on the other bed. abah and mama in the other room.

i closed my eyes back again, pleading in my heart that Allah is there with me when that time comes. praying that He's there for me like He has always been for all His hamba. when thinking of the afterlife, it's a scary thought. you cant even describe it with words kan? i closed my eyes again, this time with tears all over the pillow. tears of fear? tears of gratitude? wallahua'lam. but all the while thanking Him for the time given, and praying that again, He will give me another tomorrow. insyaAllah.

********

but truthfully, sleeping like this doesn't happen as often as i wished for. mostly i just hit the bed with only doa tidur. no reminders, no muhasabah. astaghfirullahalazim. may He Forgive me for my forgetfulness. 

remembered something i found in Solusi. if im not mistaken it was quoted by Sayidina Ali R.A. simple words. but it hit me hard. i hope it does the same to everyone too. 

"manusia itu, hidupnya terlena. matinya terjaga."

wallahua'lam.

yours truly,
yang ingin terjaga. hidup dan mati.