berdoa

"Berdoa bukan untuk memberitahu Allah apa yang kita pinta, 

kerana tanpa diberitahu pun, Allah sedia mengetahui.

Doa ialah pengabdian daripada seorang hamba kepada Tuhannya"

[majalah Solusi; isu no.22]

When i read this quotation, it brought some sort of ketenangan deep in my heart. i have always been one to say: Allah Knows better. alhamdulillah, my experiences pretty much taught me this lesson over and over again. that Allah always Knows best. but this quotation seems to push me further deep into a calm state i guess.

i still have a lot of things that i need to improve on. and doa is definitely one of them. maybe this, is experienced by many others out there, and not just me. you know, just right after solat, and there you are, with your hands in front of you, seriously imagining that Allah is watching over and waiting, trying to tell everything you want to tell, to ask everything that your heart yearns for.

i laughed remembering how a friend of mine (miss i**h) acts back how she ended up in her doa. kalut, she said. kalut cuz there's a HUGE amount of things you wanna ask for. for yourself, your parents, your siblings, your family, your friends, fellow muslimin and muslimat, the people in Gaza, dunya, your Hereafter. adoi. endless.

so going back to the quotation, it's a calming reminder aint it? i guess there's soo much i wanna ask of Him, that i ended up forgetting a very clear fact:

He Already Knows.

so now, even though i still ask for a lot in my doa, i started the whole thing off by calming myself. telling Him in a way that i already know that He Knows everything, that He Knows more about my secrets and my needs more than i myself know. So this is just me, a servant of Him, trying to tell Him things that He already Know. But, knowing that, i still wanna tell Him. other words, i just want His Attention. hehe. tak salah pun kan?

and, even if i have to end my doa without having to finish off all the things that i want to tell and ask of Him, it's okay. cuz He still Knows. and the best part would be at the end of the doa, where again, all i do is not ask of Him to qabulkan all my doa there and then. but knowing that He Knows better, so i only asked Him to  qabulkan all my prayers, only and only if, they can make me closer to Him.

Dont you think that Allah always makes it easy for us Muslims? Tawakkal. Leave everything to Him. while all we need to do is just put our feet forward, and just usaha + doa. 

"Jika hambaKu bertanyakan kamu (Muhammad) tentang Aku,

maka sesungguhnya Aku dekat.

Aku Kabulkan permohonan orang yang berdoa

apabila dia berdoa kepada-Ku.

Hendaklah mereka itu memenuhi (perintah)-Ku 

dan beriman kepada-Ku, agar mereka memperoleh kebenaran."

[2:186]

Allah sentiasa dekat. tapi kenapa kita selalu jauhkan diri? :'(

percaya & yakin

i may be wrong, but i may also be right; so bear with me. this is just my reflection session.

yesterday's usrah, i was given an analogy (which i believe i have once heard of, but never really understood, thus not remembering it). the analogy: the difference between yakin and percaya.

let say you are standing with me at the edge of a cliff overseeing the ocean. huge rocks below with the waves crashing. well, perhaps the one like the twilight movie? and there's a huge - "DONT JUMP! YOU'LL DEFINITELY DIE" sign. so then i told you, if you jump, i definitely will grab your hand. so knowing me (let's just pretend i'm a very nice person who loves you soooo much...tapi if tak selesa you can pretend it's someone else..wuwu), you'll say: saya percaya. but the question is, will you jump? cuz if you jump, only then it shows that you truly believe in me. thus, making you a true believer. (percaya + yakin). grasp the concept?

i believe that understanding the concept of 'percaya + yakin' is a very important basis for us Muslims. looking back, once, i did question, what makes a true Muslim? Is it just believing that Allah exists? being a small kid, you dont usually think too deep. and then we learned about Rukun Iman and Rukun Islam at school, and shallow-mindedly enough, i thought that, i'm definitely a Muslim, cuz i believe.

In the Rukun Iman, it states clearly,"percaya..percaya..percaya". (some people used beriman..beriman..beriman.. so this varies) I think this is what makes us not good enough in practicing Islam as a way of life, nowadays. why? because we think that percaya is enough. percaya is safe. percaya makes you a good-enough-Muslim. 

before i get carried away, im not saying that percaya sahaja doesnt make you a Muslim. mind you, who am i to judge this? i myself am just a rookie in understanding my own religion, my own beliefs. this is just my own reflection, to be shared with others. now back to the session (",)

so, i think that percaya alone makes you not good enough. why? let's go back to one of the Rukun Iman. "percaya kepada hari Qiamat". everybody will say: "ye.saya pcaye yg hari Qiamat akan tejadi. banyak kot tanda-tanda skarg. tp insyaAllah sy rase tak akan tjadi dlm hayat idup sy ni." everybody believes that it will happen. but the question is, yakin tak?

cuz with yakin, you truly believes that it's the day that Allah kept reminding us over and over and over again in the Quran. Al-Qiyamah, Al-Infithar ...it's a constant reminder.

Apabila langit terbelah.

dan apabila bintang-bintang jatuh berserakan.

dan apabila lautan dijadikan meluap

dan apabila kubur-kuburan dibongkar

(maka) setiap jiwa akan mengetahui apa yang telah

dikerjakan dan yang dilalaikan(nya)

[82:1-6]

cuz with yakin, then you will know that along with this comes the Judgement. kita dihisab. it's all the things that we have heard about, but never really cared. because it's still far away. says who?

cuz with yakin, you'll think hard before you commit any sins. cuz only with yakin, you truly believes that every single sins you commit will be judged accordingly on that Day. the bad things you do, the worst you will get. the good things you do, the best He will Give. 

with yakin, you'll think first, before you decide to throw those babies away. before you commit zina. before you drink arak. before you scold your parents. before you make them cry. before you let others see your aurat. before committing all the sins that you kept on denying. 

with yakin, you do all the good deeds that you can think of. with yakin, you cry your heart out for His Forgiveness once you commit any sins. with yakin, you do all the right things first, instead of waiting for ikhlas. because ikhlas itself cant be measured. even the nicest person on earth can never be sure whether what they're doing is with ikhlas or not. so what's really in our mind when we say, "i wont do this and that, because i want to do it with ikhlas." what are we really waiting for? ask ourselves. 

our hearts rarely lie. i, for one is trying my best to change. trying my best to believe. and definitely trying my hardest to TRULY BELIEVE. but at the end of the day, all i can be sure of is the effort that i made. but the result will always be in His Hands. and i can only pray for the best, and yakin that, Allah Maha Pengampun, Allah Maha Penyayang. and that He Listens. 

wallahua'lam.

cerita kami adik-beradik

earlier this week; (last week untuk orang klate)

abe ammar decided to come back this weekend,
as usual, keeping it a secret.
to surprise abah, mama, me and lin.

but being kakak,
she cant keep the secret to herself.
not that she cant keep secrets,
it's just that it involves a long journey,
so berkat doa mama is needed. so she told mama.

and mama, being her cute bubbly self,
cant keep the secret; hence, i know.

so the usual target is abah. (and lin.hehe)
which surprisingly one day, out of the blue,said:
"abah rasa expectant. macam ade orang nak balik."
and he waved the idea off.
while mama was busy cuit-cuit me under the table.
yan buat tak tau menggapai kueh atas meja,
worrying abah will sense. *huhu*

i talked to kakak and mama.

so abe is not coming back. *sob2*

he's a bit busy. coming back is definitely tiring for him.

kesian abe. no pressure. plus, he has a lot of 'hari cuti' left.

so perhaps he can come back early before raya.

the day finally comes. due to some problems, 

kakak said she'll be arriving a bit late. around 1 am.

she'll be breaking fast at raub, at her mom-in-law's.

me and mama kept our cool that day.

im happy imagining how happy abah will be.

*cuz he's already sad counting days till im off back to dublin*

but mama, being a devoted mom,

who worries that her children will be travelling in the middle of the night,

felt that she cant keep the secret no more.

suddenly masa berbuka "mama oyat ko abah deh?"

imagine my chaotic mind trying to cover the whole thing up!

thankfully, my controlled-outside-self managed to change the topic

and with some tricks here and there, abah remain oblivious.

but then, oblivious to me and mama, 

abah made a phone call to abe after tarawikh.

abe tersalah cakap about kakak coming back.

=,='

abah syak, made a phone call to kakak.

and managed to confirm his syak wasangka.

both kakak and abe still not knowing that they had failed the plan. *huhu*

nearing 1am, i cant handle the sleepiness no more. 

then kakak text me saying she has arrived.

it never occurred to me that abah actually sense this,

considering abah was still outside watching Discovery.

cuz usually he would already sleep when it's nearing 12.

so in the end, abah was not that surprised. though still very very happy.

(he cant stop smiling everytime we attempted these surprises)

i went downstairs with abah.

in return, i was totally surprised to see ABE!

excited excited~ 

then everybody went to sleep. 

mama went out to see kakak and abe ammar.

abe somehow managed to slip pass all that.

nak surprise mama the next morning.

sahur the next day, tengah lipat-lipat kain sembahyang,

i heard mama's surprised exclamation in the kitchen.

"abe da jumpe mama la tu"

so, basically everybody tried to surprise one another,

and ended up being surprised ourself.

but the one that remain oblivious to ALL these things,

is baby lin. who seems very composed with all the commotion.

haha. cute.

footnote: 

this tradition of us adik beradik has been going on a few years back.

trying to surprise mama and abah, by sneakily coming back.

be it with the car, or bus, or even flight. 

the first time; was by kakak. during her university days.

the crazy one; was last february.when i came back for kakak's wedding.

eventhough we have done this sooo many times,

while trying very hard to improvise our plan here and there;

one thing for sure is, our surprises never fail to make them totally happy.

biarpun balik 2 hari je. 

so today they will be going back. isk2.

moral of this long story is; make our parents happy.

cuz we love them with all our heart. ^,^

"Keredhaan Allah terletak pada keredhaan ibubapa,

kemurkaan Allah terletak pada kemurkaan ibubapa."

[Riwayat At-Tirmizi]

abah + mama overseeing Lake Toba
ps: happy 28th anniv (",)

them admiring Allah's creation at Subuh. before being disturbed by anak-anak stalker
from the next verandah with disturbing "phewittt" sounds. haha

ps: to be able to write this kind of entry, i am forever thankful to Allah for His Blessings and His Love. because for all i know, a friend i love is trying her best to cope with her loss. my prayers will always be with her and her family. stay strong dear, Allah is always there for you.

tok lekat unjak

tok lekat unjak. this is how kelantanese express someone who is indecisive. to be more specific, someone who kept changing their decisions, i guess? bear with me, im not a good klate-vocab-guru. usually, it's a negative remark. so far, i think i am not someone whom one can call 'tok lekat unjak'. err, at least i think i am. yes, sometimes it took me ages to make a decision, *usually when it involves fighting my al-hawa* but usually once i made one, i rarely turn back.

ok.i guess my attempt to deny this fact is obvious now. for this particular case, i fall under the 'tok lekat unjak' category. changing my blog name every now and then. (actually only once). but im changing it back now. kembali kepada asal. as much as i love awan, i think i'm so used to being a chocolatelover when i'm writing. hence, the lack of ideas. (alasan semata-mata)

nevertheless, my awan collections are still piling up. i am still an 'awan lover' at heart. as for my entries, actually i have so much in my mind right now. so much to share. but the right words are not coming out. if i tell all, the words might get all tangled up. tak faham pulak. anyways, i'd like to take this opportunity to promote certain things i'm into this near-ending summer holidays.

1. Radio IKIM

2. Majalah SOLUSI. 

these 2 things, along with al-Quran, solat sunat and other ibadah insyaAllah; never fails to fill my heart so far. alhamdulillah. let us make the best out of this Ramadhan shall we? wallahua'lam. 

ps: watched TV the other day. sakit kepala. "Bukan Pintaku" was a very weird tele-movie. a lot to ponder upon. no more TV. sob2. T,T

awan collection

clockwise:
at lahad datu, sabah
at manchester, depan kedai faluda
at lahad datu, tgh jalan-jalan back from the beach
at london, window view from hostel
on the london tube, leaving heathrow

told you i love awan. 


ps: click for a larger image. and i like the weird awan in manchester. ('',)

above others

dah ready ke eit? sometimes i wonder whether my friends who are getting engaged and getting married, are ready for the future that they are undertaking. maybe because i have for so long been indoctrinated by a belief that marriage is when you're done with your studies what-not etc. and maybe because even in my family, they all started getting married at the age of 24 onwards. (engagement included)

after much pemerhatian and reading (not in a creepy way, sambil-sambil je la ni) i came to a conclusion that, you are ready for it, when you are prepared to put mr Right above everything else. be it your parents, your family, your friends, your work, everything. Except of course, Allah, Rasul s.a.w and your Deen. other than that, bye bye. 

leads back to the importance of getting the right Mr Right, kan? haha.. but jodoh ketentuan Allah. yakin dengan pilihan Allah. senang. tak perlu susah-susah fikir. doakan yang terbaik, bukan yang perfect di mata kita. tapi yang terbaik untuk kita. He always Knows better. ^,^

anyway, so i think this is what women need to be prepared of. getting married is not just a lovey-dovey thing. it's a whole new world you're getting into. a whole new responsibility that you have to carry. mentaati suami. sounds simple enough. even Allah janjikan syurga kepada orang-orang yang mampu mentaati suami. but i remembered back an article i read with a friend of mine back in Dublin. a list of sins, leading to women occupying most of Jahannam. banyak sangat. but i realized that most of the sins are related to your wrong-doings towards your husband. meninggikan suara, keluar rumah tanpa izin, tidak menjaga keperluan suami.. the list is endless. kenapa ada list macam ni? because of course, they are all being done carelessly by wives all over the world. *isk isk*

mentaati suami. macam senang nak buat, tapi rupa-rupanya senang jugak untuk tak buat. maka senanglah jugak untuk 'ter'masuk dalam neraka. *nauzubillah*

"Sekiranya aku (boleh) menyuruh manusia menyembah manusia nescaya aku akan menyuruh isteri menyembah suaminya." 

hadis riwayat Abu Daud

Rasulullah s.a.w even gave this kind of analogy. this is how serious our responsibility is. but the fact that so many women failed to realize this when they decided to accept Mr Right, leads to all the careless sins that i mentioned before. of course, putting Mr Right above others is not as easy as it seems. kalau dah kene buat OT, or ade meetings what not, how can you put him above others? but Islam always have guidelines for us to carry our responsibility the right way. kan?

so i guess being ready is not when you are done with your studies, or when you are reaching the right age, or when you are a pinky finger away from the age limit of being an andartu. but it's when you're ready to carry a huge responsibility; mentaati suami. putting him above others. i think this is how i define ready. (lain orang lain definition though..)

as for now, i think i should stop thinking about this. saje je tulis this post. it crosses my mind the other day. and sementara i still dont have that kind of responsibility, i might as well should be focusing on other huge responsibilities that i already have, as;

Allah's faithful servant

a part of Rasulullah's ummat

a Muslim student

a devoted abahmama's daughter

a loving sister

ya Allah, bantulah aku menjalankan tanggungjawabku di Bumi-Mu ini. ameen (",)

my mission

it was my 2nd year in KMB. it's the usual friday night ceramah in the surau. but we had a special guest that night. a prof from CUCMS came; Prof Latiff. he talked about the Gaza mission he joined just recently. to see a doctor, trying his best to be a devoted Muslim through his God-given abilities as a cardiologist, left me amazed. i remembered how in awe i was listening to his talk, because somehow that night he taught me that choosing this path as a doctor is actually an opportunity given by Allah, for you to help people. 

yeah it has always been a very schematic answers for doctors-wanna-be; "i want to be a doctor cuz i wanna help people." but that was the time i realized that all these opportunities to help are given by Him. the only thing up to us is how well we make use of it. Allah is giving us chances all the time. let's just grab it, shall we?

and so after the talk, i went back to my room with a new aim; im gonna join a relief mission at least once in my life. i remembered abah seemed a bit worried with my intention when i told him, saying "just dont get yourself shot in the legs or something," haha. abah will always be abah. worrying too much. he imagined me going to Gaza mission already. *someday insyaAllah*

after almost a year, i heard of IMAM Symposium held in Dublin. eventhough it was exam time for UCDians, i went to the final day of the 3-days event. Didn't know much about IMAM at that time, so i listened to every bits of info i could get. my interest grew as at the end of the event that day, groups of students gave talks about the relief missions that they have been to the past year. cambodia, baling etc. i was so psyched. as i asked around, it seems like there are no more places left for the relief missions for the summer. i was seriously frustrated. *sob2*

but Allah always works wonders kan? somehow *dont need to include the details* i got into the sabah mission. *yippy* i was in charge of the flight tickets. things got busier towards the end. i was psyched for the whole event. losing pak ngoh few weeks before the mission left me with not being able to help my friends. but i was very thankful cause they were very understanding. jzkk =)

8th july. finally i was in sabah with my team. most of them are people that i've met, but never ever spoken to once. perhaps only virtually when we were discussing things. but after 7 long days together, alhamdulillah i think the ukhwah was built. =) btw, you guys are the best!!

back to my story; i have always said that Allah works wonders, right? listening to Prof Latiff a year ago was when Allah opened my heart to join such activities. and i was pretty shocked *in a very excited way* to know that he joins the sunathon team for my first ever relief mission. hehe. he shared a lot of things with us. i was jealous of CUCMS students to have all the very dedicated Profs at their college who are also devoted Muslims; trying to help us becoming good Muslim doctors insyaAllah. (jealous in a good way hehe..) 

among the things shared was that to be a good Muslim, you have to be with your brothers and sisters. amar makruf nahi munkar should be done together right? cuz only then you can feel the sweetness of it all.  we should be building ukhwah everywhere we go, while in search of redha Allah. he said that sometimes these kind of events are just reasons Allah made, for us to meet. and behind the meetings, lie reasons and hikmah too. i learnt so much from stories shared not just by both Prof Latiff and Prof Ikram, but from fellow friends, the new CUCMS buddies, the teachers of desa kenchana, the students that we met, and even the poor kids    who became our 'victims' for the sunathon. all with izin Allah. =)

so basically, apart from having a great time with fellow friends, i definitely learnt a lot. it all started with a niat, and im very much thankful for all the opportunities that Allah had given me. friends met, ukhwah built, stories shared, beautiful pictures taken, minor surgeries done, techniques learnt, jokes shared, crazy teka-teki session made, beach visited, sardin-like van trip undergone and alas, very great memories created. 

i pray that all the things we done there is a form of ibadah, insyaAllah. and more importantly diredhai Allah. cuz at the end of the day, that's all that matters most.

sabah mission has definitely been 

shoooooo shweeettt.

alhamdulillah (",)

everybody ^,^

the very nice peeps from cucms (",)

at taman kinabalu =)

haih..missing everybody~(",)

lets do this again next year!!

insyaAllah