rindu

exam in 3 days, so i was in the midst of books, lecture notes and mindmaps (new strategy this semester insyaAllah). decided to take a break: 

thought of kakak, have to confirm my flight back to kelantan this summer. tup tup when i called her she was in the middle of a vacation with abe Ammar. *sweet. and with the baby bump growing she still dare to joke around saying she wants to hike Mt Kinabalu.* to kakak who might read this pretty soon: take care. no strenous works please.  

btw, Happy Anniversary to you both.

seriously i forgot. had a great year huh?

praying for many more to come insyaAllah.

*sigh* time flies so fast.

then called abah & mama. told him the latest updates. the decisions being made. abah pesan "do it nicely. be responsible." i will ;) and continuing on about studies. i know that at the back of his mind he's worried of how im managing here. but it's my job to show him that im okay. and that im loving every single changes that is taking place, and every single changes that im planning on taking. 

then i told him about islamic awareness week again. the conversation i had with the mat saleh, then the islam vs atheist debate. and i ended up being amazed (like i always do) with the things that he knew. i do occasionally wonder how does he knew all sorts of things? just by reading? (or what actually did he studied in the States?) nevertheless, have always been proud to call him my Abah.

then Mama stopped the conversation, being the ever so jealous mama in the background. and being her cute self telling me the things that she's planning on doing. she ended the conversation with a soothing support and encouragement for me; for the exams. as well as the other thing. *sigh*

it's a nikmat that i think one usually forgets, or a nikmat that not many people have:

to be able to talk to your parents about every single details of your life.

and getting the absolute support from them. ;)

Alhamdulillah. 

abah mama..i love you.

by *antontang

rugi...

kalau betullah tolong orang angkat barang, sebab nak orang kata kite baik.

kalau betullah tolong masak-masak, sebab nak orang puji sedap.

kalau betullah pergi usrah dan seangkatan dengannya, sebab nak orang cop kite alim.

sometimes, when people see others changing for the better, they say it's because of them trying to please the society. but i say, give him/her a chance. stop wondering what his/her intentions a.k.a niat are, but focus instead on the things that they are doing. 

focus instead on;

barang-barang yang die tolong angkat. berat ke tak?

makanan yang die masak, sedap ke tak?

usrah etc yang die pergi, best ke tak?

cuz if you are judging others about their intentions, rugi. for you might end up being one yang bersangka buruk a.k.a thinking badly of others. plus, who said that one's niat is pure all the time? haven't you ever heard of a reminder of having to constantly renewing your niat?

of course,

rugi la mereka kalau niat salah.

tapi lagi rugi juga kita kalau asyik fikir diorang niat salah.

after all,
there is only One who can decide how pure one's intentions are.
and it's Allah SWT,
who is constantly Watching from above.

life is all about renewing our niat (intentions) for the sake of Allah, 

and Allah only. insyaAllah :)

sape kate?

sape kate it's easy?

sape kate you wont be hated?

sape kate you wont be judged?

sape kate you wont stop one day and be confused?

sape kate you wont be seen as penipu and bajet baik?

sape kate you dont have to fight off all sorts of feelings?

sape kate you will get 3.85 eventhough you can barely spend an hour a day studying?

tapi..

sape kate syurga tu senang?

and most importantly,

Allah Maha Melihat.

Allah Maha Berkuasa.

Allah Maha Penyayang.

Allah Maha Mengetahui.

Allah..

please watch over me. 

i hate myself at times.

and make me strong?

a song that strucks me deep.

by Sami Yusuf. 

picture by *Alephunky of deviantart

the Wave & the Ugly Truth

in the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. :)

a few things had struck me a little this week and i thought of sharing them in here. muhasabah diri insyaAllah. *btw, after so long i just realized muhasabah has the word hisab in it. and this week, a sister taught me a quote from Umar r.a:

"Hisablah (evaluasilah) diri kalian sebelum kalian dihisab, dan berhiaslah (bersiaplah) kalian untuk hari aradh akbar (yaumul hisab). Dan bahwasanya hisab itu akan menjadi ringan pada hari kiamat bagi orang yang menghisab (evaluasi) dirinya di dunia."

first off. Alhamdulillah. we should rejoice along with our brothers and sisters in Egypt, for the stepping down of Hosni Mubarak. seeing a youtube clip of the Egyptians' response after the 30-seconds announcement of the resignation, does overwhelms me. im not one who understands much about this, so i wont talk in details about it; but i know enough that it's the best thing to happen. i know enough that a change is taking place, insyaAllah. a change that we all Muslims are hoping for. a change that might be another sign for all the signs that had already taken place. a part of me is very happy, excited, if things happened accordingly. but another part of me is also very scared, because if things does happened like we all wanted them to be, then will i be one of the losers, who never put an effort in what is taking place? wallahua'lam. whatever it is, i pray that Allah is with them, with us, every step of the way. Guiding us all back to Him. ameen :)

read a lot of things about the issue here and there. SaifulIslam had written about it simply, tapi berkesan. so do read.  ^^,

on another note, i have missed out on a lot of the writings from my favourite writers. one of them is ustaz pahrol definitely. and checking out his latest link: Bercerita tentang jodoh, left me all hopeful and angau. lol. but in a good way i guess. will work harder on being a better person. that's really what we should be doing  right? *sigh. still so many things to achieve* 

anyway, he mentioned about beauty in his post. and that led me to a trail of thoughts. leading to: the Wave. lately, i do find myself a little bit 'off', reading blogs of people from home mainly; showing pretty little dresses, skirts and scarfs and what-not. with all the unique styles of wearing them. not to mention the never-ending youtube videos teaching you how to wear selendang and stuff. being one of those with the double X chromosomes, of course i got all excited looking at them. "cantiknye..cutenye.." well you can imagine. with all the Hana Tajima wave spreading all around, a part of me was amazed, wow, so many people are wearing headscarf. alhamdulillah. 

then i bumped into the blogs. one after the other. but watching them, i gradually was taken aback. 

apa niat kita? 

when i put on my clothes, when im wearing my selendang, what are they all for? just to look pretty in the mirror? just to attract others? just for all of that? most of the time, the clothes are just fine. menutup aurat, nice, modest. but the way we all talk and ramble about it, the way we took our pictures, the way we post them in our blogs or facebook or whatever, the way we make the videos, the way we accentuate every single details about fashion; as if the clothes that we are wearing, the colours that we are matching, the accessories that we are donning, where we buy them, matters more than pleasing Allah s.w.t. 

astaghfirullah. i am definitely, 1000%, completely not the best person to talk about this. because i am one who forgets too. but this is me mainly reminding myself, and sharing it with others out there. 

lets go back to Him. 

betulkan niat.

betulkan cara.

what i love most about being in Dublin, (anywhere where Muslims are not the majority) is that everyday, we have a chance of representing our Deen a.k.a da'wah. at least when we wear something nice and modest, and caught the eyes of the non-believers; it will lead to them questioning, why are they wearing those? who are they? etc. ugh. im saying all this with a very heavy heart, because even i truly dont know whether my actions speak louder than my words. nauzubillah. if they dont, then i pray to Allah to guide me and change me. :(

but if we all manage to do this, betulkan niat whenever we start off our day, wouldn't it be great? through our clothings, we show them Islam. through our clothings, we show them modesty. not just towards the non-believers, but all the other sisters too. right?

because i think, there is no such thing as muslimah fashionista in this world. (that's what they are calling it nowadays). because if we truly understand the things that make one a muslimah, then we would know that the two words cant come together...well, at least i think they dont. 

"eleh. jeles ar tu die pakai tak lawa." oh..sampai hati. T,T

"dah i have a passion for fashion, i cakap la pasal fashion." fine dear.

"lain kali jangan masuk blog tu in the first place" tertekan je..T,T

heheh. bersangka buruk amalan mr Merah.

and thus, again, to readers out there, (like me) who might have been one who were unconsciously dragged along in this 'muslimah fashionista' wave that is spreading around us, do remember that this is just me in my muhasabah mode. i am not perfect, the things i said may even be the things i do wrong, *most of the time :'(* but reminders are meant to be shared. 

and forgiveness is what i shall seek, not from you, but from Him and only Him. and i think we all should. wallahua'lam.

leave the kids with the fashion. *wink*

too cute. 

'pointless'ness :)

found some youtube videos of some brothers in moscow. jealous of the 'sense of artness' that they have within them. so i made one on my own. posted it out on facebook, and to my relief, friends gave encouraging words. *mungkin untuk sedapkan hatikah?* nevertheless, i did have fun trying to do it. it wasn't truly a pointless video like i named it. i did it because i wanted to test my camera, (10 megapixel je..no dslr.sob2) and mainly because i've downloaded a new video software and decided to get myself used to it. (loved pro corel X3, but i have no money to buy it) *tipu. yesterday baru beli cardigans. T,T

note to self: set your priorities straight yan! enjoy. to cool-video-makers-who-might-laugh-at-this, forgive all-things-wrong in this video. (-,-)

reminders bila otak bercelaru

most of the time, we forget. that the things we questioned, the things that we are confused with, have all been answered ever so clearly and deeply, in the Quran. that's why the blame is always on us; the ones who forget.

and these are a few of the millions of things I forget... 

life is too short for us to procrastinate.

"Dia (Allah) berfirman, "Berapa tahunkah lamanya kamu tinggal di Bumi?

Mereka menjawab," Kami tinggal (di bumi) sehari atau setengah hari, 

maka tanyakanlah kepada mereka yang menghitung." 

Dia (Allah) Berfirman, "Kamu tinggal (di bumi) hanya sebentar saja, jika kamu benar-benar mengetahui."

[23: 112-114]

if i need to hurt some hearts, for the benefit of the Afterlife, so be it.

but all along, i  will pray that He Will let you see the reason and Heal you faster.

after all, i rather be hated now, than to fight with you later on;

and do know that my initial plan was not to hurt you,

but to please Him instead of you.

"Cukuplah Allah bagiku; tidak ada tuhan selain Dia.

Hanya kepada-Nya aku bertawakal, dan Dia adalah Tuhan yang Memiliki Arasy (singgahsana) yang agung."

[9:129]

decisions, are always hard to make. that's why He created us.

to see how we decide. towards Him or against Him.

"Demi jiwa serta penyempurnaan (ciptaan)nya,

maka Dia Mengilhamkan kepadanya (jalan) kejahatan dan ketaqwaannya,

sungguh beruntung orang yang menyucikannya (jiwa itu),

dan sungguh rugi orang yang mengotorinya.

[93:7-10]

Ya Allah, i dont pray for the mountain to get any smaller,

but i just pray You Will make the climb a whole lot easier.

ameen.

photo by ~Sir-Korso of deviantart

edited by izyanariff.

dis-Ability

currently: at a computer lab in the health science building. 4:12pm Dublin time.

target: will publish this post once im back home tonight.

outside: i think the wind today aims on banging everyone in its way to the nearest tiang elektrik or any tiang for that matter.

Today. i have been tested. and i think i failed. something that i  have to work on if im planning on spending my lifetime in this field. a test: controlling my emotions.

i think it started during last semester, that i always ended up remembering a thing or two, about family members with anything that im learning in class. a lot of things triggered me; a picture, a list of symptoms, and sometimes even just a simple word. at times it's quite fun. for instance, if i read or listen to anything about pregnancy, im mentally jotting it down to tell kakak.

but sometimes it's not so fun. whenever my mind wanders off in the middle of an opened book, to arwah Baba, arwah Che Abah, arwah Ayah Mama and more frequent than i would have wanted, arwah Pak Ngoh.

sometimes it's because of building curiosity; but lately, they saddens me too much. and today seems to be one of its peak. we learnt about dysphasia, disability in communication. i wont go into details, but every slide the lecturer was showing lead me back to him. i was helplessly trying to focus on the materials shown. i scribbled down anything that i can, yet it gets worse. my vision was all blurry most of the time.

most of the things, reminds me of him. it seems to be what he would have been diagnosed with. maybe because i missed him, it makes me a little bit sad, knowing that i finally can name his condition, and know more about it; 7 months late. but the thing i cant control most was the ever-intensifying guilt that i was feeling.

the list of things that i wish i had done. 

the list of things that i would have done differently towards him.

astaghfirullah.

i dont know whether i had been the best of niece towards you, but i wish i had.

i wish we all had. me, kakak, abe and lin.

astaghfirullah.

i pray that when we meet again,
you've forgiven us for all the things we had done wrong, unintentionally.
astaghfirullah.

if my ramblings today seems like im not accepting Qada' & Qadar.

nauzubillah. it's not my intention.

it's just that i think these are the things Allah had left me to ponder on. the lecturer was telling us about the do's and dont's of handling disabled patients. i wondered what would i have felt? worried? anticipating? the things she mentioned, i think Allah had left me practicing them for the first 20 years of my life. i guess Allah had chosen medicine for me all along.

as for Pak Ngoh, i know that these regrets that im feeling towards you, are the things that i should be learning from. may all the experiences i had growing up with you,  be one of the best motivations to do well in medicine. *reluctant i am to acknowledge this fact; but the result is coming out tomorrow. whatever comes my way, Allah Decides. we all just plan the best we could*

insyaAllah i'll do my best. and despite all the regrets, i know that you're there at a better place now, back to Him, Our Ar-Rahman. our Ar-Rahim. and what's best, He made sure you left me with the sweetest motivation that i'd never expected; my picture at the front of your wallet.

miss you pak ngoh. i will read Quran a whole lot more tonight. :')

*ok. mata dah basah dalam lab comp. jangan bagi mat saleh sebelah nampak*

*Al-Fatihah*

by ~liebe-sie of deviantArt