Our Beloved

Allahyarham Kamaruzaman bin Mariam

11.11.1961 - 16.4.2018

When my father in law fell sick and changed from a healthy fit guy into a bedridden parent in an instant, i thought this is how Allah is going to test us all as a family. And i started writing down some entries in Coping, thinking how this is going to be a long journey ahead of us. i thought of putting into words some of the memories in this hidey-hole.

The first month was spent in the hospital. juggling time to and fro the hospitals mainly. the next month came by and it was all about preparing for abahKama's coming home. and once he was home, days passed again as we were focusing on his needs. and things were slowly settling down by the third month as we were slowly coping with fulfilling our family's needs along with our needs too.

as for abahKama, he was slowly and steadily doing well. he tried his best mouthing some words when communicating, he understood most of what we tell him, he could smile and laugh awkwardly at my sister's jokes. he did small exercises with Ma. he could move most of the time, despite not really fully within his control. but we saw progress. and all the family members were coping well with taking care of abah: changing diapers, feeding milk via the tube, cleaning his tracheostomy etc. and me and Aizzat were coping in our own way, with Aizzat filling his time with extra working hours whenever he can to support the family.

We were doing well. Abah was doing well.

and we plan. but Allah is the best planner of all.

as 16th of April 2018 came.

I came home from work to an empty house as usual, as Aizzat was on his PM shift that would finish at 10pm. I was lazying around as Maghrib entered, when Aizzat called me saying we're heading home to Pasir Mas. "abah's having seizures."

We both didn't panic. my first thought was this is a complication for a stroke patient. it's bound to happen. maybe he had some small seizures and Aizzat said Ma had called the ambulance already. we packed swiftly and all i could think of in the car was "okay maybe a night or two in the hospital. I just hoped Abah's condition is not worsened by it." And Aizzat was pretty much thinking of the same thing too. We were calm doctors as opposed to panic-stricken daughter/son. 

then the phone call.

"yan, abah takdok dah." Ma said.

i didn't comprehend. did i hear wrong? but i started crying and sobbing istighfar as the words sink in.

which was the worst way for Aizzat to learn that his beloved father had passed away. Aizzat was asking in sobs "kenapa sayang? kenapa sayang?" :(

we cried the whole way back to Pasir Mas. picking up aizzat's sister from UiTM along the way. but once we were home, nobody shed tears. we were doing our best to handle the funeral. which was all new to us. families including my parents came by to help us alhamdulillah.

Abah passed away in the ambulance, on his way to the hospital. we brought him home later that night after settling some paper work. we took turns reciting the Quran beside him until morning came. everybody looked spent. i watch my husband and all my in laws. and saw how strong they were in handling everything. no one cried.

until it was time to say our final goodbyes. each of us went to kiss his cold cheeks and forehead. abah looked good. handsome we'd all say. something that made us felt a little better from our broken hearts that day. 

Semoga roh abah ditempatkan bersama orang-orang beriman. ameen ameen ya Rabb.

**********

how do we handle losing our loved ones? there is no right way for us to do it actually. it's just something we don't want to think about let alone plan for it. but when it happens, we go through it. no matter how hard it is, we pray that Allah guide us through it. because Allah already wills it to happen. Abah's passing will always leave a hole in our hearts. and grief is nothing but a roller coaster ride. where we would smile and laugh at one moment, and find ourselves crying in our doa missing him at the next. but being Muslims, we take comfort knowing that he is still there, just in another phase of life. we'll all be there too one day. but for now, doa is the only thing that could reach him. so keeping him in our daily prayers is the only way to move forward.

Abah,

we bear witness that you have been a great father to us, a great husband to Ma.

one who would always smile and giggle to brighten up anyone's mood

one who never stopped working even when you were not feeling well

one who treat friends and families with so much respect

you've worked so hard all your life, abah 

and it's time for you to have your rest alongside our Creator now, insyaAllah.

we'll take care of your little girls and Ma as best as we can Abah,

we both promise you that. :')

till we all meet again in Jannah Abah, 

biidznillah wa insyaAllah.

“Apabila meninggal dunia seorang anak Adam maka putuslah segala amalannya kecuali tiga iaitu: Sedekah yang ditinggalkan semasa hidup, ilmu yang dimanfaatkan dan anak yang soleh yang mendoakan kedua ibu bapanya.”

Hadis Riwayat Luqman Hakim

Being Both

"solat macam mana?"

"sorang tu tak solat langsung. the other one said die solat tapi die qadha. 

she said her uncle said it's okay to qadha solat everyday."

*********

astaghfirullah. it was pretty much a little conversation i had with my sister about her circle of friends. and we're only talking about a bunch of girls. what about the community, our country, and the world as a whole? one can only wonder.

so i continued this conversation with my husband in the car. pretty much lamenting how scary the world is nowadays. because solat is the pillar of islam, and yet so many muslims are taking them lightly. so much so that even seeing people who don't perform solat doesn't seem that big of a deal anymore. astaghfirullah, may Allah protects.

but my husband shared his two cents about malaysian muslims. he says there are two groups of people:

one group who are very nice people, but they just don't adhere much to Allah's rules. taking some and leaving some. modest clothing, not really keen to cover the hair, but totally a soft well mannered lady. not praying 5 times a day, but is actively doing charity work. goes clubbing at night perhaps drinking some alcohol, but spends a lot of time helping the poor and the needy. by definition of human nature, they are nice people. and they go about feeling bliss with being the 'good' human.

the other group are those who adhere totally to Allah's rules, but they are just not that nice. you know, sometimes the ustaz we see on youtube who are calling other people 'bodoh / sombong / bongkak' and every other dirty words he could think of. those who totally cover their aurah from top to bottom, but go about sleeping with random boys in the end. those who pray 5 times a day, and yet doesn't have the decency to throw rubbish at the rightful place. those wearing serban or kopiah 24/7 but is also smoking 24/7, huffing and puffing in front of their kids. them, by definition, are 'practicing' muslims. they pray, they fast, they avoid haram food, they cover their aurah, and they go about feeling bliss with being the 'good' muslim.

and these two groups are what makes up most of our muslim community in Malaysia. the ones who settled with being nice. and the ones who settled with being a 'practicing muslim'.

but the truth is, a true muslim needs both hand-in-hand. 

one is never complete without the other. 

being a nice person is not enough, if we fail to adhere to Allah's commands. stop lying to ourselves that it's okay to not wear a hijab, or it's okay to show some skin, it's okay to touch our non-mahram friends, when they are all clear commands from Allah. and those things will be accountable for in our akhirah. but we now live in the world where those who reminds are being chastised instead. "awak bukan baik sangat. Allah tengok keikhlasan hati. jangan 'judge' orang lain. die buat banyak lagi benda baik." the list goes on. 

and vice versa for the other end. adhering to Allah's rule but not all. avoiding all those big sins - pray 5 times a day, fasting in Ramadhan, paying your zakat - but taking those smaller sins for granted. going to work late, making empty promises, talking bad about others, writing harsh words over the net, spreading fitnah, gossiping, and the list goes on. 

being a muslim is about building your relationship with Allah. and it entails adhering to His commandments in all aspect of life. picking some and leaving some is not the way to Him. being a better person requires us to be a good 'abid as well as a good human-being. yes, nobody is perfect aside from Rasulullah s.a.w, but aiming to perfect our iman and amal is not impossible, as it's an ongoing process. we may never be a perfect muslim, but Allah takes effort into account. istiqamah is always the key. and this effort requires us to be in both groups of people, not either. so stop choosing sides and try to be both. 

one who are loved by other people and 

most importantly loved by Allah s.w.t.

وَلِكُلٍّ وِّجۡهَةٌ هُوَ مُوَلِّيۡهَا ​ۚ فَاسۡتَبِقُوا الۡخَيۡرٰتِؕ

 اَيۡنَ مَا تَكُوۡنُوۡا يَاۡتِ بِكُمُ اللّٰهُ جَمِيۡعًا ؕ 

اِنَّ اللّٰهَ عَلٰى كُلِّ شَىۡءٍ قَدِيۡرٌ‏ 

“Dan bagi tiap-tiap umat ada arah (kiblatnya sendiri) yang mereka menghadap ke arahnya (ketika solat). Oleh itu, berlumba-lumbalah kamu mengerjakan kebaikan, kerana di mana sahaja kamu berada pasti Allah akan menghimpunkan kamu semua (pada hari kiamat untuk menerima balasan). Sesungguhnya Allah Maha Berkuasa atas tiap-tiap sesuatu”. [2:148]

Coping: moving forward

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

I’d be writing some entries in Coping. Perhaps as my way to cope with our new journey. Perhaps as my way to ask for some du’a from anyone who stumbles into any of my entries. Perhaps as a reminder for my future self of how Allah has guided us from the very beginning. Just perhaps.

*******

linked

In my last entry, Abah Kama was transferred to a general ward. and he was showing very minimal response. we were unsure of what would become.

But in Allah's plans we trust, 

whatever it may be.

and His plans enfolds smoothly for the weeks after, alhamdulillah. Abah Kama was initially transferred to a district hospital, whereby my mother in law decided that it's best if he stayed in the palliative ward for comfort. He stayed there for a couple of weeks and eventually was discharged home. 

How is he? Alhamdulillah. Abah Kama is awake. He responds with nods and shakes back then. nowadays he tried mouthing some one-word answers whenever he can. his movements are very much limited, as he hasn't gain much control over his muscles yet. but he has a bit of strength around his neck muscles on and off. 

Ma is the main caretaker now. along with the help of our little sister who's at home with Ma. we managed to set the house for abah's home-coming a week prior. And with the help of Abah and Mama, we bought abah Kama a good hospital bed a week after he came home. :)

The nearest clinic has a team who would come by once a week to monitor his progress. Alhamdulillah. sometimes bringing in medicines, or looking for any wounds on him. some things that we might have taken for granted had we not experience these ourselves. since my husband and i could only come back during weekends, those medical team coming over during the weekdays does eases our minds a bit.

To be honest we have a lot on our plate now, and sometimes it can be overwhelming for the both of us. but we tried our best by encouraging each other in those moments, that we need not worry, that we could go through this well, if we're in it together. :) Aizzat is doing well, alhamdulillah. His free time is spent at the local clinics now. finding some extra hours of work to cover the medical expenses  and two full households. be strong honey!

Facing all these makes us very humbled and grateful, that despite everything, Allah has eases us more than we could ever imagine. we still have a home to come back to, food on the table and families around us that support us, alhamdulillah.

Nevertheless, we still have a long way to go. we're not sure yet where this is all heading, and what the future holds for us, but we're taking small steps at a time, insyaAllah. May Allah eases this journey through and through. 

"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; 

and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. 

And Allah Knows, while you know not.

[2:216] 

"Allah swt knows the reality of everything while man’s knowledge is limited. We assess things on the basis of our limited knowledge and often make wrong decisions. We must  pray that Allah swt bless us with both hikmah [wisdom] and rushd [deeper understanding with guidance] so that we do not decide on things being good or bad as prompted by personal desires, rather, by the Wisdom of Allah swt. If we learn this art we will block the way of Shaytan who tries to instill doubts and negative thoughts in our minds."