Who She Is

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

che was holding my hand the other day. so i decided to snap a picture:
me: Che, yan ambik gambar deh.
and she suddenly kept her hand still. heheh. cute :)

Che (my grandma) is recovering well these days. her glucose is well managed. she is no longer dehydrated. she eats well, drinks well. but the after-effect of her hyperglycaemic attack (high blood glucose) is quite obvious, she's quite disoriented and confused. very much worse than before.

she remembers people most of the time, her children and her grandchildren. but she cant remember what time of the day it is. sometimes she can't remember where she is. and lately when she is awake, she talks a lot about weird things. old memories resurfacing now and then. and we all tried our best to listen and converse with her as normally as we could; keeping in mind to treat her as our Che eventhough she is not quite herself. 

but no matter how confused she seems to be, there is always one thing that she would ask for;

to pray.

always. 

the first time she asked for it was during the first few days we brought her home. at that time she was still very much dehydrated and she was still infused with IV fluids. she can barely sit on her own. once, i helped my aunt to assist her praying. she was so weak, but she wanted to pray and had been asking for it over and over again. so we sit her down, while i supported her weight from behind. i can barely hear her recitals, so my aunt would recite al-Fatihah loudly for her to follow. and only 2 rakaat in, she had forgotten that she was praying and she wanted to sleep. T__T

now, with a little bit of her strength regained,
she asked to pray, many many times in a day.

sometimes, she'd asked to pray asar, whereas it was already nearing midnight.

sometimes, she would ask for water for her wudhu' (ablution), and right when we're bringing her water, 

she would suddenly think that she had already taken her wudhu' and wanted to continue praying.

sometimes, she thinks the qiblah is towards the South and sometimes, she wants it towards the East.

sometimes, she prayed 4 rakaat, sometimes she prayed only 1, sometimes none at all.

sometimes, she'd asked to pray again right after finishing one. 

and we had to assure her that she has already prayed.

****

seeing her like this, all of us in the family thought of the same thing;

it's who she is.

someone who always takes care of her solat.

that despite her being so confused and disorientated, that is what she worries most,

whether she had missed any of her solat or not.

eventhough it's not easy to do those things over and over again,

taking that big basin of water near her only for her to refuse it suddenly, 

having to pick her up and lie her back down etc.

i see that all of us family would do all those things for her still,

because that's what makes her who she is; 

our beloved Che.

praying that Allah strengthen everyone through this. truthfully, i feel so blessed to be a part of this big family. seeing aunty, kak an, sue, ayah di and everyone else fulfilling their responsibilities as a daughter, as a son, and even as a grandchild. i pray that Allah Bless them all. Aamiin. :)

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in truth, we can care for our old parents; bathe them, feed them, change their diapers; 

just exactly like how they did it to us when we were small.

but they cared for us in order for us to live,

while we cared for them while waiting for their time to end;

and that, makes all the difference. 

"Dan Tuhanmu telah memerintahkan supaya kamu jangan menyembah selain Dia dan hendaklah kamu berbuat baik pada ibu bapamu dengan sebaik-baiknya. Jika salah seorang di antara keduanya atau kedua-duanya sampai berumur lanjut dalam pemeliharaanmu, maka sekali-kali janganlah kamu mengatakan kepada keduanya perkataan "ah" dan janganlah kamu membentak mereka dan ucapkanlah kepada mereka perkataan yang mulia. Dan rendahkanlah dirimu terhadap mereka berdua dengan penuh kesayangan dan ucapkanlah: "Wahai Tuhanku, kasihilah mereka keduanya, sebagaimana mereka berdua telah mendidik aku waktu kecil".

[17: 23-24]

Faith in Time

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

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i reached the hospital at about 11pm, i think. straight from the airport. Su (mama's sister) was waiting patiently at Che's bedside, surprising her with my sudden appearance. then i went to hold Che's hand. ah~ hati cucu mana tak hancur tengok nenek sakit. i dont even know the seriousness of the whole thing, and i put all my mere medical knowledge aside for the moment. because the patient on the bed is my beloved Che, it was enough to break my heart, seeing her so helpless. T__T 

and at the same time, i thank Allah. cause again, He Gave us Time.

******

it was supposed to be a secret between me, abah and mama; to come back home for the short winter break. another surprise project aiming at my siblings specifically, and my big family. and to recharge myself before the start of the new term. and so we planned it a while back. and i was already tricking kakak and abe, that i'll be sending them some stuff via a friend of mine in KLIA etc. the plan was going smoothly. they were not suspicious at all. my flight would be on Sunday morning, and so on Saturday, i went to the city to do some last minute shopping. buying baby stuff for my future nephew etc. i was happily strolling the Christmas-themed night in O'Connell street when i got the text message:

"Emergency. change of plan. Che sakit kuat. everybody is going home."

cause everybody, my parents and all my aunts and uncles, were in Kuala Lumpur for my cousin's wedding. so everybody drove back home straight away after receiving the news at midnight. abah and mama booked the first flight in the morning and left my sister back in KL to wait for me. everything seemed in a rush that night. i kept reading the updates in our family's whatsapp group. of how everybody was picking people up here and there to drive back to Kelantan. how they were all speeding through the highway. and there were nerve-wrecking moments too, when a text said that they were whispering Che syahadah etc. i didn't know what to feel. i guess everybody didn't know what to feel.

*******

i went back home and perform solat hajat. i prayed hard that Che would be okay. that all my aunts, uncles and cousins will drive safely and reach Che in time. that even i will get to see Che too. well, those thoughts kept coming kan? somehow you ended up thinking of the worst scenario. there was definitely an aura of desperation from everybody. and every single minute seems more precious. hoping that they won't pass us by. and i was getting desperate too. and i kept having random thoughts too; how very close i was to coming home, and yet i can't do anything to make it pass by any faster. "so close, yet so far". somehow that rings true. 

but then it dawned back on me; that we should all have Faith in His Timing.

i thought even if Allah Decided for things to happen otherwise, then it's His Will. i can hope and pray for so many things, and yet we all have to have Faith in His Timing. cause in the end, apa-apa pun, Allah is the Best Planner for everything. and Allah always planned for things precisely at the moment that He wants to. never too late, and never too early. Faith in His Timing. repeating those words in my mind somehow calms me down in the end. 

******

and alhamdulillah. i am safely back in Malaysia now. and last night, even though Che is not alert,  i was still able to hold her cold hands, and kiss her pale cheeks. and that, in it's own, is a huge huge nikmat from Allah. 

semoga Allah permudahkan urusan.

semoga Allah ringankan sakit Che.

semoga Allah panjangkan umur Che sekiranya itu yang terbaik untuk Che.

semoga Allah kurniakan kesabaran and ketenangan to everyone involved.

Aamiin.

tolong doakan? :)

*******

my last conversation with Che last September before i head back to Dublin;

          Che: yan balik bila pulak?

          me:   taun depan kot Che. 

          Che: yan ada orang dah ke?

          me:   takde Che. boleh lah Che doa-doa yan dapat ustaz.  

          Che: Che doa sokmo. tak ustaz pun takpe. Che doa dapat orang beriman.

          me:   ok Che. Che kena sihat-sihat. yan nak Che jumpa dia. tegur dia baca Quran satu round. :P

         Che: *senyum*

somehow i still wish for it. :')

mind rant #11

have you ever felt those moments?

****

when you feel like you are lacking so much, it's scary.

****

when you feel that you might commit so much sins that you wish to stop it all and just die,

and yet you can't die knowing how much sins you have from before, 

and so dying seems to be not the best option after all.

****

confused if i am really giving out reminders, or if it all just part of a show?

scrolled down my facebook wall today, and looking at all those things i posted;

i feel like scoffing at each one of them. 

how much of those reminders am i actually doing?

how much of those quotes that i truly understand?

facebook is really only 1% of the real us.

well, at least for me it is.

****

tired.

i'm really tired of battling myself. :(

****

ya Allah, forgive our sins.

for our weaknesses, give us strength.

Aamiin.

tolong doakan?

thank you.

T_______T

How Ironic

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

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A while back, in the earlier days of the recent attack on Gaza, we see so many people (ourselves included) who started to use facebook as a medium to raise awareness with regards to the issue. Alhamdulillah, it worked well. people started reading up on it, flaring up semangat yang semakin pudar, and we all started intensifying our doa for our brothers and sisters.

but as always, not everyone find it easy to understand what was happening. and this was proven true when a random 'screen-capture' was shared by so many people in facebook; showing a random Malaysian kid writing a status in his facebook, which more or less goes like this;

"apahal semua orang nak kecoh pasal Gaza? 

negara kita dah aman, buat apa nak sibuk pasal negara orang?"

which in fairness i think is something to be expected. different backgrounds will definitely bring up different reactions and understanding to the issue; that to me, is something that we should all acknowledge whenever we find someone who looks rather oblivious or negligent to what was happening.

so i guess with that principle in mind, i find that i wasn't angered with the kid's status, nor the line up of people heading to McD when they decided to give that free burgers for breakfast. because in my belief, if these people know enough about what was happening in Gaza, if they truly understand their sufferings, if they have seen all the videos that we have seen, read all the things that we have read, and have been told all the things that we have come to know of, i totally believe that these people will have enough conscience and humanity in them, to not post those kinds of statements, and will definitely stop buying McD, or any Israel products that they think they can avoid, and do anything that they can to show their solidarity with the Palestinians.

that is my take on it.

but what poked my conscience most, was the people who decided to share this kid's status, and we see so many kinds of replies below it. some were true, but most, sadly; range from hateful words to calling this kid with so many names like; (sorry for being blunt)

bab*, anjing, anak haram, tentera israel, laknatullah 

well, you get the gist of how foul the Malay mouths can be.

astaghfirullah.

i pray Allah forgive us with all those things that we have said, unintentionally or not.

how ironic it is.

we all are showing our support to Gaza, that these kinds of ignorant statements by seemingly ignorant individuals angered us so much. but instead of handling it the way Islam taught us to, we ended up being just another oblivious human being. perhaps, just as oblivious as the person that we are condemning; by slashing him in the public eye, and choosing to be just another fouled-mouth Malay. 

that kid may be ignorant to what was happening in Gaza, that he wrote such comments. but this can be easily undone, say if someone tells him what was really happening, how those little Palestinian kids were killed, how long they have been occupied, when did this all started etc. or even show him a few of those millions of clips of the Occupation of Palestine. like i mentioned before, anyone who reads enough about Palestine, and know  enough about it, will definitely find within themselves enough humanity; to not be as ignorant as before.

but from what we can see, things turned out rather differently.

and so i wondered if we really do understand what all these Palestinians and the Gaza people are fighting for in the first place? they are protecting what Allah wants us to protect. and the same goes for us. in our spirit to fight with the people of Gaza, we should also realize that all the other things go hand-in-hand, it's not just about protecting Masjidil Aqsa, it's about protecting Islam as a whole.

menjaga akhlak

adab dalam berhujah

cara menasihati orang lain

cara menerima kutukan orang lain

the list goes on.

it's frustrating really, to see so many people who don't understand the fight that is going on. 

because this fight is not just another country's fight, it's a fight for our brothers and sisters. 

but it's also frustrating, to see so many people who fail to uphold Islamic beliefs and virtues, 

while we are claiming that we are fighting for Islam.

we say that those Palestinians are our brothers and sisters who need our help; 

but our brothers and sisters closer to us need our help too;

to know more about what's happening to Palestine (and Islam), 

and to know more about Islam.

******

going back to the incident, i beg everyone to think a little more deeply about it. if that kid says such thing out of ignorance, will it make him any less so, when he sees so many 'islamic' people who are calling him pigs and dogs and shi*? i seriously, serioouslyy, serrriouslyyyyy doubt it.

and that, 

is how ironic, we all can be.

ending my post with a reminder of the etiquette of debating;

“I never talked with someone but sincerely wished that Allah guard him, 

protect him from sin and misdeed, and guide him; 

and I never debated with someone 
but sincerely wished that we would come upon truth, 

regardless of whether he or I should be the one to think of it first.”

[Imam Ash-Shaafi`i]

jauhnya beza kita dengan mereka. T__T

* a lot more to be done*

ps: and the same thing is happening again with the weird statements by an ustaz who said there is no jihad in palestine. yes, his views are different, but it doesn't warrant us to label him this and that. hadoih..