by ~A-DD of deviantart

mood: ramblings + muhasabah

pap! pap! pap!

i guess that will be the sound made if i was literally being slapped. 

'kene tampar' or 'atas muka'. those are the words usually used to describe when one is being tested by Him. Especially regarding things that we really are worried of. heard it from many sisters and even from my own experiences too, that Allah usually test whatever the things that we thought of, the things that we say about. 

and lately, i've been experiencing too much slapping.

on the brighter side, i've been told that Allah is cleansing us from all the sifat that we hate. kedekut? pemalas? tak sabar? you name it. once the hardships passed, then insyaAllah we are clean from all those things that we dont want to be associated with. maybe not for long, for it is a continuous process. not an easy one too if i may add. but with more and more cleansing, then perhaps insyaAllah there will come a day when no further cleansing is needed. God Willing the time comes before our deaths.

but on the darker side, it is a tiring process. feeling the feelings that you dont want. knowing that it's not good for you, but you dont know how to stop it either. the feelings of malas, confused, kecewa, terasa hati, berat hati, pressure and all sorts are still there. and then you look for things to avoid those feelings but they will all come back to you time and time again. and every time you have to fight it off. tiring. and what makes it worse, is that when it involves others. not just your heart. 

sometimes i do wonder, is it just girls? you know being the more emotional creature, thus even the slightest smallest things seems bigger. but in the end i think being the ever not caring guys doesn't help either. guys called it ego. but i call it self-centred. and knowing Muslims are not meant to be self centred, shows that ego/pride should only be kept for things that Islam taught us to. 

ok. truthfully i dont even know what im writing about. it's just things in my head that i want to reflect on. as of my situation now, only God Knows how confused i am. but all i can do now is to renew my intentions. the things i do should be for Him and because of Him. sometimes we just have to sacrifice a lot, and sometimes we might seem evil and self-centred. but i know i had tried my best all along to change the situations. but i guess things can never resolve if it only comes from one side. so this is my only solution that i could think of. for all i know, i am truly sorry for the decisions made, for the things done, for the words unspoken. but my prayers has always been for the best for all of us. 

one thing that im pretty sure of is, (and selfish i might be) but all i want is to be closer to Him. and i guess that is one of those things that we can be selfish of? thus, i pray that all our actions are not because of you or me, but because of Him. ;'(

ps: last night, opened the book 'Diseases of the Heart' by Ibnu Taymiyyah. (a gift from a sister.jzkk) i only read his biodata lastnight, and it was enough to prove how hampeh i am. worrying and being sad about what im facing. while, he was one who saw Hereafter in everything that he do, and everything that he faces.

Quoting his words:

"If they kill me, it will be martyrdom for me.
If they expel me it will be migration for me;
if they expel me to Cyprus, I will call its people to Allah so that they answer me.
If they imprison me, it will be a place of worship for me."

subhanallah. a scholar who has only Allah in his mind. one thing i learnt from this quote, is that every hardship that we face, the answer to all of them, ALL of them, is to go back to Him. so i guess being tired is okay, the sadness is okay, the guilt is okay, for they may taught you and me to be patient along the way. and wallahu'alam patience is a virtue loved by Him. kan?

and my only hope for now is, we are all doing things right. and tawakkal is all that is left. 

yours truly,
a girl who is hoping for a better future. for everyone.

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