Faith in Time

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

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i reached the hospital at about 11pm, i think. straight from the airport. Su (mama's sister) was waiting patiently at Che's bedside, surprising her with my sudden appearance. then i went to hold Che's hand. ah~ hati cucu mana tak hancur tengok nenek sakit. i dont even know the seriousness of the whole thing, and i put all my mere medical knowledge aside for the moment. because the patient on the bed is my beloved Che, it was enough to break my heart, seeing her so helpless. T__T 

and at the same time, i thank Allah. cause again, He Gave us Time.

******

it was supposed to be a secret between me, abah and mama; to come back home for the short winter break. another surprise project aiming at my siblings specifically, and my big family. and to recharge myself before the start of the new term. and so we planned it a while back. and i was already tricking kakak and abe, that i'll be sending them some stuff via a friend of mine in KLIA etc. the plan was going smoothly. they were not suspicious at all. my flight would be on Sunday morning, and so on Saturday, i went to the city to do some last minute shopping. buying baby stuff for my future nephew etc. i was happily strolling the Christmas-themed night in O'Connell street when i got the text message:

"Emergency. change of plan. Che sakit kuat. everybody is going home."

cause everybody, my parents and all my aunts and uncles, were in Kuala Lumpur for my cousin's wedding. so everybody drove back home straight away after receiving the news at midnight. abah and mama booked the first flight in the morning and left my sister back in KL to wait for me. everything seemed in a rush that night. i kept reading the updates in our family's whatsapp group. of how everybody was picking people up here and there to drive back to Kelantan. how they were all speeding through the highway. and there were nerve-wrecking moments too, when a text said that they were whispering Che syahadah etc. i didn't know what to feel. i guess everybody didn't know what to feel.

*******

i went back home and perform solat hajat. i prayed hard that Che would be okay. that all my aunts, uncles and cousins will drive safely and reach Che in time. that even i will get to see Che too. well, those thoughts kept coming kan? somehow you ended up thinking of the worst scenario. there was definitely an aura of desperation from everybody. and every single minute seems more precious. hoping that they won't pass us by. and i was getting desperate too. and i kept having random thoughts too; how very close i was to coming home, and yet i can't do anything to make it pass by any faster. "so close, yet so far". somehow that rings true. 

but then it dawned back on me; that we should all have Faith in His Timing.

i thought even if Allah Decided for things to happen otherwise, then it's His Will. i can hope and pray for so many things, and yet we all have to have Faith in His Timing. cause in the end, apa-apa pun, Allah is the Best Planner for everything. and Allah always planned for things precisely at the moment that He wants to. never too late, and never too early. Faith in His Timing. repeating those words in my mind somehow calms me down in the end. 

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and alhamdulillah. i am safely back in Malaysia now. and last night, even though Che is not alert,  i was still able to hold her cold hands, and kiss her pale cheeks. and that, in it's own, is a huge huge nikmat from Allah. 

semoga Allah permudahkan urusan.

semoga Allah ringankan sakit Che.

semoga Allah panjangkan umur Che sekiranya itu yang terbaik untuk Che.

semoga Allah kurniakan kesabaran and ketenangan to everyone involved.

Aamiin.

tolong doakan? :)

*******

my last conversation with Che last September before i head back to Dublin;

          Che: yan balik bila pulak?

          me:   taun depan kot Che. 

          Che: yan ada orang dah ke?

          me:   takde Che. boleh lah Che doa-doa yan dapat ustaz.  

          Che: Che doa sokmo. tak ustaz pun takpe. Che doa dapat orang beriman.

          me:   ok Che. Che kena sihat-sihat. yan nak Che jumpa dia. tegur dia baca Quran satu round. :P

         Che: *senyum*

somehow i still wish for it. :')

mind rant #11

have you ever felt those moments?

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when you feel like you are lacking so much, it's scary.

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when you feel that you might commit so much sins that you wish to stop it all and just die,

and yet you can't die knowing how much sins you have from before, 

and so dying seems to be not the best option after all.

****

confused if i am really giving out reminders, or if it all just part of a show?

scrolled down my facebook wall today, and looking at all those things i posted;

i feel like scoffing at each one of them. 

how much of those reminders am i actually doing?

how much of those quotes that i truly understand?

facebook is really only 1% of the real us.

well, at least for me it is.

****

tired.

i'm really tired of battling myself. :(

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ya Allah, forgive our sins.

for our weaknesses, give us strength.

Aamiin.

tolong doakan?

thank you.

T_______T

How Ironic

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

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A while back, in the earlier days of the recent attack on Gaza, we see so many people (ourselves included) who started to use facebook as a medium to raise awareness with regards to the issue. Alhamdulillah, it worked well. people started reading up on it, flaring up semangat yang semakin pudar, and we all started intensifying our doa for our brothers and sisters.

but as always, not everyone find it easy to understand what was happening. and this was proven true when a random 'screen-capture' was shared by so many people in facebook; showing a random Malaysian kid writing a status in his facebook, which more or less goes like this;

"apahal semua orang nak kecoh pasal Gaza? 

negara kita dah aman, buat apa nak sibuk pasal negara orang?"

which in fairness i think is something to be expected. different backgrounds will definitely bring up different reactions and understanding to the issue; that to me, is something that we should all acknowledge whenever we find someone who looks rather oblivious or negligent to what was happening.

so i guess with that principle in mind, i find that i wasn't angered with the kid's status, nor the line up of people heading to McD when they decided to give that free burgers for breakfast. because in my belief, if these people know enough about what was happening in Gaza, if they truly understand their sufferings, if they have seen all the videos that we have seen, read all the things that we have read, and have been told all the things that we have come to know of, i totally believe that these people will have enough conscience and humanity in them, to not post those kinds of statements, and will definitely stop buying McD, or any Israel products that they think they can avoid, and do anything that they can to show their solidarity with the Palestinians.

that is my take on it.

but what poked my conscience most, was the people who decided to share this kid's status, and we see so many kinds of replies below it. some were true, but most, sadly; range from hateful words to calling this kid with so many names like; (sorry for being blunt)

bab*, anjing, anak haram, tentera israel, laknatullah 

well, you get the gist of how foul the Malay mouths can be.

astaghfirullah.

i pray Allah forgive us with all those things that we have said, unintentionally or not.

how ironic it is.

we all are showing our support to Gaza, that these kinds of ignorant statements by seemingly ignorant individuals angered us so much. but instead of handling it the way Islam taught us to, we ended up being just another oblivious human being. perhaps, just as oblivious as the person that we are condemning; by slashing him in the public eye, and choosing to be just another fouled-mouth Malay. 

that kid may be ignorant to what was happening in Gaza, that he wrote such comments. but this can be easily undone, say if someone tells him what was really happening, how those little Palestinian kids were killed, how long they have been occupied, when did this all started etc. or even show him a few of those millions of clips of the Occupation of Palestine. like i mentioned before, anyone who reads enough about Palestine, and know  enough about it, will definitely find within themselves enough humanity; to not be as ignorant as before.

but from what we can see, things turned out rather differently.

and so i wondered if we really do understand what all these Palestinians and the Gaza people are fighting for in the first place? they are protecting what Allah wants us to protect. and the same goes for us. in our spirit to fight with the people of Gaza, we should also realize that all the other things go hand-in-hand, it's not just about protecting Masjidil Aqsa, it's about protecting Islam as a whole.

menjaga akhlak

adab dalam berhujah

cara menasihati orang lain

cara menerima kutukan orang lain

the list goes on.

it's frustrating really, to see so many people who don't understand the fight that is going on. 

because this fight is not just another country's fight, it's a fight for our brothers and sisters. 

but it's also frustrating, to see so many people who fail to uphold Islamic beliefs and virtues, 

while we are claiming that we are fighting for Islam.

we say that those Palestinians are our brothers and sisters who need our help; 

but our brothers and sisters closer to us need our help too;

to know more about what's happening to Palestine (and Islam), 

and to know more about Islam.

******

going back to the incident, i beg everyone to think a little more deeply about it. if that kid says such thing out of ignorance, will it make him any less so, when he sees so many 'islamic' people who are calling him pigs and dogs and shi*? i seriously, serioouslyy, serrriouslyyyyy doubt it.

and that, 

is how ironic, we all can be.

ending my post with a reminder of the etiquette of debating;

“I never talked with someone but sincerely wished that Allah guard him, 

protect him from sin and misdeed, and guide him; 

and I never debated with someone 
but sincerely wished that we would come upon truth, 

regardless of whether he or I should be the one to think of it first.”

[Imam Ash-Shaafi`i]

jauhnya beza kita dengan mereka. T__T

* a lot more to be done*

ps: and the same thing is happening again with the weird statements by an ustaz who said there is no jihad in palestine. yes, his views are different, but it doesn't warrant us to label him this and that. hadoih..

Too Much

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

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sometimes we want something so much, that we don't think much of anything else.

we disregard all the 'what if's'.

what if it won't be mine?

what if it gets stolen?

what if i lose it?

and then it happened.

when we really can't have it.

what happens next?

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i'm seeing so much of these around me;

that i think i've been really cautious not to fall into the same trap.

because every time i hear the whines they make just because they don't get something that they want,

it makes me feel so tired inside.

and don't we all feel the same?
and yet, don't we all do the same?

*****

why do we humans like to agonize over something that we don't have?

day-dreaming of things so far ahead of us, sometimes even beyond our reach?

wanting things too much, that we burden ourselves, inflicting unnecessary pain on oneself just to have them.

Wordly things.

they consist of many; and it's not just those bags, the jobs, the cars, and the house.

Love is also one of them; Love which doesn't make you any closer to Allah.

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we all have a problem, really.

we want the things that we don't have, too much.

and we forget the things that we already have, too fast.

as always, reminder to self, first and foremost.

jom tadah tangan:

Ya Rabb,

berikanlah kami ilham untuk tetap mensyukuri nikmat-Mu 

yang Engkau anugerahkan kepada kami.

Aamiin.

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“Jika kamu menghitung-menghitung nikmat Allah, 

nescaya kamu tidak akan dapat menentukan jumlahnya (menghitungnya). 

Sesungguhnya Allah benar-benar Maha Pengampun Lagi Maha Penyayang.”

[16:18]

#Gaza: Dare to Stare

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

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we had our final exams today. 2 papers. surgery and medicine part I. sometimes i wondered at how we are questioned about the accumulated knowledge of 12 weeks in just a piece of paper? not to say that i have a lot of knowledge to offer; but sometimes i wish knowledge (ilmu) can be gained according to our own pace. when we learn because we want to learn. when we read because we want to know. when we practice because we want to perfect a skill.  and not because of exams, scholarship or any other pressure. 

~sigh~ finding myself lost time and time again. praying He Guides.

anyways; i came back home and the newsfeed in facebook were filled with so many updates already on Gaza. Allahu Allah. Jannah is being filled yet again with more martyrs.

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"syahid."

everyone will have that prick of jealousy inside whenever we see them, kan?  the fact that they are the chosen ones picked by Allah s.w.t, to die in His Path. ones who died protecting a very holy land. ones who'd wake up everyday to die a martyr. 

sometimes i wondered, if we were in their place, would our aims be as noble as them? would we aim for "syahid" as much as they were? or would it be like how we are now, praying for syahid in the daily Mathurat du'a that we recite. never really feeling in depth, of how noble this ending of life is. never really truly wanting it, despite the recitations being at the tip of our tongues again and again, every. single. day. =,=''

and in my humble opinion, Allah Grant them syahid because everyday they would wake up and do something that we all find ourselves not able to do so: to stare at Death straight in the eye. because the threat of Death, looms everywhere in Gaza;

when they take a step out of their home,

when they are walking down the street for a slice of bread for the family,

when they are heading for the mosque to pray Subuh, Zuhur, Asar, Maghrib and Isyak,

heck, they can die even if they are in their house, what with the bombings from those damned Zionists.

so remind ourselves again, of who they are and what they do that Allah Grant them those places in Jannah. 

them; who Dare to Stare.

and us. how can we dare to stare at Death, 

when we are looking at Dunia with those googly eyes still?

Allahu Allah.

we have to pick up the courage to stare at Death in the eyes,

but i guess it starts with turning our eyes away from Dunia first shall we?

because inevitably Dunia is just a place we pass through, 

and the final stop is always Jannah.
we just need to remind ourselves to keep our head straight.

InsyaAllah wa Aamiin. 

ps: even if we are scared of Death,
the fact of the matter is, Death is staring at us at every blink of the eye.
~huhu~

as always, reminder to self first and foremost.

T_______T

*****

“Sentiasa akan ada sekelompok dari umatku 

yang sentiasa berjuang bersama-sama kebenaran, 

mencabar dan menentang musuh-musuh mereka. 

Musuh-musuh mereka tidak dapat memberi mudarat kepada mereka 

sehingga Allah mendatangkan keputusannya.

Mereka tetap dalam keadaan demikian.” 

Maka para sahabat bertanya,”Dimanakah mereka?”

Jawab Rasulullah.” Di Baitul Maqdis dan sekitarnya”

[Riwayat Bukhari]

Dear Pillow

i think i was 6 years old at that time. it was in the evening when Abah came by and asked me to "pijak belakang Abah." i was dutifully doing it when i saw kakak and abe heading out to play with the other kids outside. i don't play around the kampung much, because i was a timid little girl. but before kakak and abe head for boarding schools, i would follow them when they played around the neighbourhood. 

so i was psyched when they went out, and carefully i asked Abah; "yan nak tubik main boleh?" (can i go out and play?); abah who was oblivious to all this, said no. cause i've only started the 'pijak belakang' session. i remembered how i was so frustrated, and sad, and angry at Abah. it felt unfair. T,T 

but instead of stomping on abah's back (that would have been evil and funny), i continued stepping on his back up and down, all the while crying silently. i was so angry at Abah, but i know that i can't be angry at my dad, and tears were all that came out. but finally Abah realized what happened, and wiped my tears and let me off to play. :)

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as the years went by, this habit of mine remains. when someone is being harsh at me,  i'd cry. when i'm frustrated at something i'd cry. when i hate something i'd cry. when i'm angry at someone i would definitely cry. most of my emotions are expressed with tears. it's a weird disorder really. 

and at 23, a wider range of emotions are felt, and most of them would still end with tears. =,='' same old, same old. nothing's change much, except that i don't have Abah or Mama near me as always to wipe them tears off. *sobs*

growing up is hard.

*****

dear Pillow,

sorry for all the tears. 

T___T

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to future yan;

toughen up a bit will you? :')

وَأَنَّهُ هُوَ أَضْحَكَ وَأَبْكَىٰ

Dan bahawa sesungguhnya, Dia lah yang menyebabkan 

(seseorang itu bergembira) tertawa, dan menyebabkan 

(seseorang itu berdukacita) menangis; 

(53:43)

*Allah Knows Best*

#Gaza

the Gaza strip is being attacked again. they say it stems up from an attack from Palestine to the Occupier's  side which killed 3 people (i'm not sure if it's soldiers or civillians). but as always, they would do a disproportional-counter-attack back to Palestine. it's pretty much the same story; look it up. i'm too annoyed to explain it all in here. 

but as always, it amazes me seeing the same replies by our brothers and sisters. 

"kill as much as you want, we will never go down." 

:')

i don't really worry about them, truthfully. because i know they all can make it through. they have been through it for so long, it doesn't make any difference. with each attack, it only makes them stronger. nobody can deny this. it's myself that i'm worried of. and i guess there are quite a bunch of people just like me out there;

who's hatred towards this injustice is felt;

only at times.

who makes tearful desperate Doa for the Palestinians; 

only at times.

who hates them Occupiers so much it feels like the gut will just burst;

only at times;

instead of ALL THE TIME.

Allahu Allah.

i hope they will forgive us.

i hope Allah will Forgive us.

because, we often forget. 

:(

continue with our Doa peeps.

it's all about injustice,

but we all know that things will be paid off perfectly in the end;

by Allah Maha Adil.

InsyaAllah.

"Tidak beriman salah seorang diantara kamu 

hingga dia mencintai saudaranya sebagaimana dia mencintai dirinya sendiri."

(Riwayat Bukhari dan Muslim)