some things are bothering me. it's hard to categorize whether it's a big thing or not. feels like i've written about this before, tapi mungkin jugak tak. just things yang berlegar di ruang minda. that's why it seems familiar. and if i did write about it once, then may this one be a reminder again. ok dah merapu. *tanda susah hati*
(note: notice the style baru? ade epilogue2 gitu. heheh)
threshold. the dots that you see on graphs normally, like when you are trying to solve the crazily-difficult-IB-Math-HL-in-KMB (yang sekarang dah jadi SD lak.sob2), and you find all sorts of dots here and there, marking the limits of certain things. or when you are learning biology (and medicine) and you come across the threshold value for action potentials what not.
how do i explain it? a limitation that one puts on himself/herself. *kot* dulu, a sister taught us something, when you want to talk to somebody about the limitations in our religion, you have to understand first where their threshold are. example? lets focus on the word baik. some describe one as baik; when a person is talkative, very friendly and makes friends easily, no matter what the gender is. some describe baik when a person is very timid, soft-spoken, talks only when the situation needs her/him to; other examples? hm.. a girl might describe a guy as baik, when he opens the door for her, buy her gifts, and treat her for meals. while others would only say baik when the guy recites Quran beautifully, never missed the jemaah prayers at the mosque etc.
the different threshold comes from different upbringings, different environment and perhaps different level of knowledge. so here is where my situation comes in. even though the things that are occurring around me are not pointed directly at me, but i realized that i am not sensitive enough to certain things. (we just keep the thing in question as a secret dulu). thus it makes me wonder, what does this situation makes me?
because i couldn't see the wrongs that others are seeing. the only explanation i have is that i have a different threshold. but having a different threshold, what does that makes me? in denial ke? or i dont have enough knowledge? or i dont have enough courage? iman tengah turun ke? astaghfirullah.
what i am scared most is that, am i actually committing sins for not being able to see or even feel what others are seeing or feeling? somehow this question pops out of me when i told my parents; yan ni teruk ke?
there are things that i aim on changing. things that only i know, is okay. because it's definitely within the knowledge of me and Him. so only Allah knows where my threshold is, and what kind of effort that im putting in. but things get a bit scary when it involves all things physical. because you can see for yourself the different thresholds between different people. and as much as you dont want to judge others, it still does crosses your mind once in a while. when i see this and that person, it makes me wonder is my threshold too low? am i taking Islam easily? because naudzubillah, it's none of my intention. :(
so here i am, having this huge burden on my heart, wondering is there something wrong with me, or is it just part and parcel of this path that i'm taking to better myself? making changes is one thing. istiqamah is another. huhu. sometimes i just wish that Allah make things easy by turning this heart of mine 180 degree, and i am able to make full and fast changes, giving me the keyakinan like He Did to my heart a few years back. how easy it all seems. to make the decisions. to take the actions. no regrets. just ketenangan. :)
but i guess this is how the world works. this is how Allah wants it to be. the confusion, the temptations, the deep thoughts, the conversations, the sleepless nights are all part and parcel of making changes in life. these are the tests maybe? to see how much we try to understand things, how much effort we put to change for Him.
and in the end, the only soothing thought left in me is, Allah Knows. and Allah is always there to help. :')
....and maybe, just maybe. this little by little pace of changing is okay; cuz it helps us to understand things easier, help us in taking the right actions, and help us with being istiqamah.
'Berkatalah orang-orang yang kafir: "Mengapa Al Qur’an itu tidak diturunkan kepadanya sekali turun saja?"; demikianlah supaya Kami perkuat hatimu dengannya dan Kami membacakannya secara tartil [teratur dan benar].'
threshold yg sgt rendah :(