there is a big hole inside of me

Allah took back what is His to begin with.

and time will heal it.

InsyaAllah.

Allahyarham Adnan bin Che Zainab

my Pak Ngoh

1951-2010

a part of me has been taken away yesterday. a part of us family has been taken away yesterday. But we can't be too sad, for we all know that you are definitely in a better place right now. cuz you have nothing against anyone. and nobody has anything against you. you left us suddenly. terkilan i should say. even though  it might have been expected to end this way; we humans will never know for sure. astaghfirullah..=(

Allah waited for 2 more weeks before taking you, i guess. In a way, alhamdulilllah. I would be more devastated if i didn't even get some time to spend with you. cuz in my prayers all those while in Dublin, i worried most if i didn't get to see you or Che. to think that you were asking for me all those while when you were not well a few weeks back, im very thankful for the 2 weeks Allah gave me; and you. One of my last jokes with you was: "Pak Ngoh, yan ni bukey doctor lagi tau." *while you let me take a look at your swollen feet at that time* i guess you have always known that fact, but you still let me play the doctor part with you.

i have my regrets. we all have our regrets (us family). if i go through all the details, there would be too much regrets. but Islam tak ajar macam tu. so it goes back to niat. insyaAllah. all the things we did, were because we care for you and we love you. this is truly from our heart.

taking care of someone who is disabled is surely not an easy task. i guess that's why we have our regrets. Living together for so long, there are small things that we took for granted. Maybe when we were busy, tak boleh layan pak ngoh when you want to show some of the magazine cuttings; and so on. but if we kept on bugging ourselves with those things, it won't do us any good. Deep from our heart, we miss you so much.

i asked mama. berape tahun pak ngoh stayed with us? 10 years. subhanallah. i didn't count. all i know was that you have always been a part of me when i was growing up.

maybe because it has only been a day since Allah took you; that we kept seeing you here and there. Sitting down in your room cutting newspapers; eating your breakfast at the end of the table; seeing you walking out of the house to have your usual visits around the neighborhood; worrying that you might fall, and hurt your head;  seeing you walking around the house; stumbling at times, thus making sure you have things you can hold on to; etc. 

Yesterday seemed too surreal. finding you, and yet knowing that you're already gone early in the morning. a part of you was cold, and a part of you was still warm. wallahua'lam. we kept wondering whether you were looking for us till the last minutes, but these thoughts are especially the ones that broke our heart. tak boleh fikir sangat. it really breaks our heart. enough to know that, whatever it is, insyaAllah it was easy for you. insyaAllah. insan istimewa. that was who you were. istimewa in every way. and that is who you will remain in our heart insyaAllah.

abah mama kakak abe yan and lin miss you so much. and everybody else too. definitely. 

to anyone who reads this post, pohon sedekahkan al-Fatihah kepada arwah. jzkk.

ps: abah asked me to open Pak Ngoh's wallet this morning. and i found a picture of me at the front. a big, big part of me is missing. but insyaAllah, ill try my best, to meet everyone back in Jannah. insyaAllah.. 

Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajioon