Coping: Life Passes

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I’d be writing some entries in Coping. Perhaps as my way to cope with our new journey. Perhaps as my way to ask for some du’a from anyone who stumbles into any of my entries. Perhaps as a reminder for my future self of how Allah has guided us from the very beginning. Just perhaps.

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Day 30. It’s been a month since the day my father in law, Abah, fell sick. How time flies. We never thought we could pass those days, but we did. That’s somehow the beauty of life. Or perhaps the scary part of it. That no matter how scared you are, time shall pass you by. 

That moment shall pass you by. 

What is meant for you, shall pass you by.

Abah has been transferred to the general ward last night. He was in the intensive care unit (ICU) for a good 3 weeks before being brought to the high dependency ward (HDW). Basically the difference between these wards is how Abah is taken care of. In both ICU and HDW, families are not allowed to stay with the patients. Nurses spent most time tendering to Abah. All those regular feeding, suctioning and so on.

Hence, Ma (mother in law) and Abby (little sister in law) has been playing the major role of visiting Abah on a daily basis. We found a small inn near the hospital for them to stay at, because there is nobody to drive them to the hospital while we are at work. And they have been walking back and forth for a-30 minutes-walk daily for almost a month now. Aizzat and I could only accompany them during weekends, bringing them to my parent’s house to stay at. My other little sister in law has been trying to come back on weekends too from her university. 

Everyone is trying their best, and trying their hard to be with one another. 

Everyone has been strong through and through, Alhamdulillah.

I pray Allah keep us all this way for the rest of our journey, insyaAllah.

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Stroke. Somehow I see this diagnosis differently nowadays. Almost a mysterious disease. For I can never tell what is truly going on.

Sometimes, Abah opened his left eye ever so slowly when we talk to him. when we called his name. He used to shed a tear even when his eyes were closed when we tell him encouraging words. When we told him Abby scored her PT3 and wants to do her best for her next exams. :’)

Then there were times when Abah seems too restless or agitated. Those were the days when he was constantly put on sedatives because his movements became too aggressive at times, causing his mouth to bleed as he bites his inner cheek too much. Even causing his IV lines to come off. During these time, it hurts us the most. Because we cannot figure out what is happening. Is it just the stroke? Is it Abah trying to fight his own body that is out of his control? Is Abah in pain? Allahua'lam.

Abah has gone through a lot in the ICU. He was always on antibiotics from all the bugs in the ward, something that we have expected in prolonged hospital stay. His heart was also beating furiously for days. Atrial fibrillation is what we name it. We try to not look into those vital signs too much when we visit him.

Nowadays, Abah looked much calmer. Almost too calm. No longer any tears. Movements are too subtle. Are you sleeping Abah? Too tired to respond to us calling you everytime we visit? At times like this, I try not to ask Abah of anything. We’d just massage his arms, put lotion all over his body, rub Vaseline on his parched lips. We don’t want to disturb your rest for too long. But deep down, this scares us the most, when you are lying there so silently. 

Ma asked often, is Abah there? Is he alert of his surroundings? Our answers are pretty much the same since the beginning; we don’t know, only Allah Knows.

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Thinking of Abah’s laughs and smiles, sometimes, all I wish for is that this sickness is just a test for us, those who are left behind, and not for Abah. That Abah is somehow in a different dimension, resting well. Even if he hears us, he is listening from a better place. Not from the hospital bed. Not through those beeping sounds around him. I hope that Abah doesn't feel lonely, and he is not struggling to fight his own body. That he is resting well, because he deserves it the most, for someone who has worked hard all his life and yet never forget to be thankful and to always smile. That is our Abah Kama.

But in Allah's plans we trust, 

whatever it may be.

إِن يَنصُرْكُمُ اللّهُ فَلاَ غَالِبَ لَكُمْ وَإِن يَخْذُلْكُمْ فَمَن ذَا الَّذِي يَنصُرُكُم مِّن بَعْدِهِ وَعَلَى

 اللّهِ فَلْيَتَوَكِّلِ الْمُؤْمِنُونَ

"If Allah helps you, no one can overcome you; 

and if He did not help you, who is there after Him who can help you? 

And in Allah (Alone) let believers put their trust."

[3:160]

Coping: 19th November

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I’d be writing some entries in Coping. Perhaps as my way to cope with our new journey. Perhaps as my way to ask for some du’a from anyone who stumbles into any of my entries. Perhaps as a reminder for my future self of how Allah has guided us from the very beginning. Just perhaps.

What Allah has granted us in life recently is only a small bit if i were to compare it with what others are facing. but to each and everyone, their own journey. and here is ours. 

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When you’re a doctor, you’re always on the other side of the curtain. You see deaths, sickness, and sadness in the hospitals. But because you’re at work, and both your brain and your body needs to function; you detach yourself from whatever you see or feel. Fleeting moments of reflections, and then they disappeared.

But Allah has decided for Aizzat and me, 

to now be the doctors behind those curtains.

Where we waited patiently for the updates. Where we are waiting patiently beside Abah’s bed, holding his still hands, accompanied by the beeping of his vitals. Where we are the ones following Abah being pushed into ICU. Where we are now the family who are sitting at the sofa area, meant to be the place of breaking bad news.

We are now, 

a part of the sickness,

a part of the sadness.

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My father in law, abah Kama (Aizzat’s loving stepdad since he was six) got a stroke about 2 weeks ago. Day 18 to be exact. It was early Sunday morning. I was about to step out of the car when I heard Ma’s frantic call to Aizzat. I could hear her crying. You felt that shiver. But Aizzat asked me to go ahead for work. The day went by not being able to focus well during my course. It was all well initially. Just a small stroke. Aizzat sounded fine during lunch. My parents dropped by the hospital too to visit Abah.

Then that short phone call from Aizzat. His cracked voice: “abah tak sedar. Diorang nak intubate.” I wanted to be with him there and then. That’s all I could think of. Alhamdulillah for my parents who drove all the way to pick me up from Besut. It was already 11pm when I saw Aizzat sitting tiredly beside abah’s bed. My cheerful abah, now lying there on the hospital bed. The news kept becoming bigger and heavier. When the medical doctor came telling us shortly about a possible bleed and burr-hole surgery, simply put. Just as we were about to cope with the news, he gave us another big blow: conservative treatment, abah will be sent to the ICU. 

To be honest, I wondered if we weren’t medical doctors, we wouldn't have a single clue of what has been told, what the plan was, and why the sudden cancellation. It was all too fast. All too complicated to comprehend in that short time.

only a few hours into the day, 

but our lives were already making so much turns.

Aizzat looked so spent. And yet so calm. Too calm. He even smiled and greeted all the ICU staff who remembered us when we sent abah to the ICU. We sat at the sofa area. Waiting for Kak Long (Aizzat’s elder sister) to arrive from Kuala Lumpur. I talked to Aizzat. He was still stiff. I worried. We went home at 230am. A quick shower and he was already asleep when I joined him.

Next morning it was during Subuh prayer when I finally heard my husband’s first sobs since we got married. He was crying in his do’a and all I could do was hug him and cried with him. we kept saying: “Allah ada. Allah ada. Allah ada.”

Cause in those moments, 

knowing Allah is there for you 

is the only way to move forward.

وَإِذَا سَأَلَكَ عِبَادِي عَنِّي فَإِنِّي قَرِيبٌ ۖ أُجِيبُ دَعْوَةَ الدَّاعِ إِذَا دَعَانِ ۖ فَلْيَسْتَجِيبُوا لِي وَلْيُؤْمِنُوا بِي لَعَلَّهُمْ يَرْشُدُونَ

“Dan apabila hamba-hamba-Ku bertanya kepadamu (Muhammad) tentang Aku, maka (jawablah), bahwasanya Aku adalah dekat. Aku mengabulkan permohonan orang yang berdoa apabila ia memohon kepada-Ku, maka hendaklah mereka itu memenuhi (segala perintah-Ku) dan hendaklah mereka beriman kepada-Ku, agar mereka selalu berada dalam kebenaran.” (QS Al Baqarah: 186)