mind rant #14: Allah's Gift

add some of this, and a little of that;

and we have a good shake of Life.

******

Takut

i dreaded the things that would happened this week. knowing i have to face all those scary things. i was emotionally and mentally challenged. it had been agonizing waiting for the days to come. but i remembered thinking back then, no matter how i dreaded those moments, they will all come to pass eventually. it's always Allah's Plans. to put us in place. to feel those moments. to make us realize that;

apa sangat yang nak ditakutkan?

urusan dengan manusia,

urusan dengan Dunia.

Allah kan ada. :)

*******

Effort and Reward

no matter how many times one says that: 

"Semua milik Allah.
Rezeki, Nikmat, Ilmu, Bahagia, Tenang.
 Hak Allah untuk bagi, Hak Allah untuk tak bagi."

it takes real experiences for you to realize this. 

saying it over and over again won't be enough.

chosen by Him to be in Medicine, i find that the years gone by has taught me just this. that we all make the same mistakes that we make in our UPSR years. in our PMR years. in our SPM years. in our IB years. 

thinking, that we have aced those crazy exams, because of our hard work. we aced those clinical exams, because we practiced like hell on everyone. Allah blessed us with all those grades, accordingly to what we did. "sebab Allah kan Maha Adil." :)

but i think we are still wrong. for all those effort we make, i have no doubt that Allah will award us accordingly (and even more so, since Allah adalah Maha Pemurah). but most of the time, Allah repay those efforts with things that we often take for granted; being able to eat that day, or nikmat sihat, or that we didn't fall off our bike, or that we were able to talk to our loved ones etc. and though we would definitely hope to have exactly what we worked hard for, Allah will always give us what we need first. and what we need, albeit not the things that we want; is often the things that last longer in life.

it's often hard to appreciate that He is giving what we need, when we were denied of what we want. and thus a constant reminder is always needed: that He always, always Knows Better, and we know not. 

a reminder to myself, as always. :)

**********

Tua

I was flipping through the patient's clinical notes on my own; hunched down reading those ugly hand-writings, in the middle of the very crowded nurse station; with interns on the phone, SHOs vigorously clicking on the mouse looking for her patient's CT, a Registrar discussing some plans with two more interns. and nurses scattered everywhere doing almost everything. and i continued to disregard the whole scene behind my back, reading the notes in front of me;

....A 90 year old lady admitted to the A&E with.......

...from NH (nursing home)...

....NOK (Next of kin) is her son....

flipped some more pages.

..has lived in the nursing home for 24 years...
(wait, what? 24 years??)

...husband died 24 years ago....

i stopped. it's pretty obvious isn't it? so she's this old lady who has lived in a nursing home for 24 years, right after the husband died. where did the son go? wallahua'lam.

civilized nation. 

developed country. 

but a culture who does not take responsibilities for their own parents.
it's just, sad.

******

Grandma

i was in the opthalmology clinic. when this very tiny frail grandmother came alone. walking ever so slowly, looking very scared and confused. she was so vulnerable i feel like i want to hug her so much. her concerns broke my heart, knowing how fragile she is. she was so scared that her vision is blurry (they were dilated for the exams), she was scared of the big machine in front of her (the slit-lamp), she was even scared upon being told that she had 'freckles in her eyes'.

i find myself desperately praying that Allah opens her heart (i find it's always the most desperate thing to do here, seeing them facing so many hardships so strongly, yet without any belief in a higher power.)

Doctor:     No, dont worry. 

                  Your vision is blurred because of the eye-drops. 

                  They will get better in 4-6 hours okay? 

                  Who's coming home with you? 

                  Will anyone come and pick you up?

Grandma: Yes. the Taxi.

breaks. my. heart.

*******

words of wisdom this week

"dreaded things. they will always be a thing in the past eventually."

"Allah doesn't choose you because you're weaker than others,

He Chooses you because He Knows that you are stronger than others."

"Allah Knows what we want,

Allah Gives what we need."

"Bila Allah rindukan hamba Dia,

Allah akan turunkan ujian."

:)

Hidup;
memang menarik.
cause it's Allah's Gift.

linked

Make It Simple

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

linked

Making things simple: is something that i find to be both good and bad, interestingly. 

why is it good? undeniably we're human beings who like to over-think of things that we ended up being crazy all by ourselves. mostly, out of fear. creating all the different things that could-go-wrong in our lives. even the other day, a guy was sharing the paranoia that we all have during exams. in his case, he kept thinking that his watch will just be dead at the exact time we're taking the pulse rate in the OSCE station. yup, over-thinking. or when we're shivering head to toe for a week knowing that we will be with the scariest consultant in the planet, only to be proven dead wrong cause he was okay the whole time. yup, over-thinking. make it simple. don't overthink.

****

and why is it bad? somehow, i think it's because of this attitude, to "make it simple", that we often find ourselves unknowingly crossing the line between what is right and what is not. what is halal and what is haram. and especially, in those grey areas (syubhah). 

because of wanting to make things simple, we dont want to know why some things are better be left alone. we just don't want to go into all those tiny details of what Islam has in store. 

aku solat. 

aku pakai sopan.

aku tak gedik.

aku tak kacau hidup orang.

aku makan makanan halal.

aku tak buat jahat

aku tak curi barang

aku tak tipu orang

aku have fun sikit-sikit 

aku tak pergi bar pun

simple does it. why do we have to hassle ourselves with the never-ending list of those tiny intricate details? solat, baca surah, rukuk, sujud, salam, settle. isn't it enough? why do we have to read into those things like, cara bacaan solat betul ke tak? salam tu wajib tak? sapu muka okay tak? come on la people. why make a big fuss about all the little things? Allah kan Maha Penyayang. we've prayed our 5 times per day. He surely accepts them right? janji kita ikhlas. *smile*.

and please let's not go into the topic of aurah/aurat. fine we accept that hijab is a must. so we cover our hair. then we hear this talk about having to lower it down a little bit more, so we did that. and then we were told to wear loose cloth and baggy stuff. so okay, we do that, with a little bit of style. and now they're complaining about our choice of colours that we pick. what's wrong with our hijab styles? why can't we wear neon colours or hot pink? we still have our hijab on, and they're still loose clothes? and so we became so annoyed with this and said; "come on la, make things simple will you?" *senyum*

******

but here's the thing, islam is a way of life. a life that requires you to change bit by bit, to reach that perfection of akhlaq. for which in my humble opinion, will never really end, because the perfection of akhlaq is the akhlaq of our beloved Prophet S.A.W.

and so i think if we know what we're doing, what we are changing for and who is it for, we will never really complain of all the hassle that comes along, because it's the essence of change itself; the change for the better. even if we know that we will never reach that perfection of akhlaq, we still strive for it, so that at least we will die trying. and truth is, that's all what Allah wants from His hamba. our effort to run towards Allah. 

and so i guess things will never really be simple. the more we know, the more we need to change, and the more complicated things will be. c'est la vie. heck, even those scholars back then reminded us of this:

"The more i learn, the more i learn how little i know."

Socrates

"Wisest is he who knows what he does not know."

Plato

and i believe that Taqwa defies this motto of "making it simple". because Taqwa teaches us to be ever so careful, in whatever that we do. And here's a rather self-explanatory excerpt of what Taqwa is:

"Apa itu taqwa?" tanya Umar al-Khattab kepada Ubai bin Ka'ab Radhiyallahu 'anhuma.

"Pernah kamu susuri jalan yang penuh duri?" balas Ubai dengan suatu pertanyaan yang menduga.

"Pernah saja," jawab Umar.

"Apa yang kamu lakukan?" pintas Ubai.

"Aku angkat sedikit pakaianku, dan melangkah dengan hati-hati," jawab Umar lagi.

"Itulah taqwa!" simpul Ubai bin Ka'ab terhadap soalan Umar al-Khattab tentang taqwa.

Ya, taqwa itu melaksanakan segala perkara dengan penuh berhati-hati dan teliti, 

sentiasa mengawasi dan memelihara hukum Allah.

*******

and knowing that Taqwa is one of the key to Jannah, 

i think it's simple enough to understand that we should work hard to attain it, setuju? 

life is never simple.

if it is, then we'd already be in Jannah.

and we all know that needs a looot of work.

"Dan bersegeralah kamu kepada ampunan dari Tuhanmu dan kepada syurga yang luasnya seluas langit dan bumi yang disediakan untuk oranq-orang yang bertaqwa." 

[3: 133]

"Sesungguhnya bagi orang-orang yang bertaqwa (disediakan) syurga-syurga yang penuh kenikmatan di sisi Tuhan-Nya." 

[68: 34]

wallahua'lam.

*ohsedihpulakbacatheseverses*

may Allah Forgives.:(

Stories

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

linked

i scrolled the facebook newsfeed again this morning. just to get some updates of whatever that is happening. the things happening back home. the things media are lying about. (haih) the typical bouts of fitnah here and there. Syrian relief for the heavy winter attacking them. (kesiannya sejuk. huhu). and then i found this article.

Selamat Jalan Isteriku

*click*

it was quite a long one. telling a story about a beautiful muslimah. by the end of it, i promise you that you will get choked up with emotions and tears. T__T

*******

over the years i have come across articles or stories about some random people that i have never heard of before. and yet with one post/story/article, i was able to indulge myself in the life-story of a muslim/muslimah. and yet it amazingly is able to take you into an overwhelming ride of emotions. you know, just like when you read a good book, or watch a good movie. you are taken away for a moment, into their world.

and there is always one thing special about these kinds of stories. the kinds of stories that make you raise both hands in the end, to make Du'a for them; for those people in the stories. 

padahal tak kenal pun. 

padahal tak pernah jumpa pun.

and that, to me, is what proves that these are special stories. special people. when their lives touched the hearts of others, by His Will. because Allah wants to make them special, that even some random people wants to make doa for them. random people like us. 

and yes, how i wish, that we all are able to live a blessed life;

hidup yang mulia

hidup yang diredhai

just like them.

T__T

قُلِ ٱللَّهُمَّ مَـٰلِكَ ٱلۡمُلۡكِ تُؤۡتِى ٱلۡمُلۡكَ مَن تَشَآءُ وَتَنزِعُ ٱلۡمُلۡكَ مِمَّن تَشَآءُ 

وَتُعِزُّ مَن تَشَآءُ وَتُذِلُّ مَن تَشَآءُ‌ۖ بِيَدِكَ ٱلۡخَيۡرُ‌ۖ إِنَّكَ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَىۡءٍ۬ قَدِيرٌ۬

Katakanlah: "Wahai Tuhan Yang mempunyai kerajaan, Engkau berikan kerajaan kepada orang yang Engkau kehendaki dan Engkau cabut kerajaan dari orang yang Engkau kehendaki. Engkau muliakan orang yang Engkau kehendaki dan Engkau hinakan orang yang Engkau kehendaki. Di tangan Engkaulah segala kebajikan. Sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Kuasa atas segala sesuatu.

[3:26]

mind rant #13: unta

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

i'm not really sure if this is real, but it's cute!
linked

medicine rotation is starting off with a 'kura-kura' pace (i'm not complaining, really). you spend about half the day at the theatres, standing behind the anesthetist, letting him tell you whatever it is he wants to tell you, most of the time understanding only half of what they are saying, and noting the key-words with some mental note to look it up back home. (*roll eyes* i ended up in bed straight away by 9pm)

and today i was a bit 'free' so i ended up meeting Mrs CB with pika back in college to address our 'issues'. truthfully, it's something that's been bothering us for the whole 12 weeks we had since last September. but we persevere back then. coming back again for another 12-weeks-long roller-coaster ride of MedSurg is somewhat rather depressing at the moment. so with some dose of self-diagnosed exaggerated  depression, i decided to make an effort. at least address the problem. if they can't really do anything about it, then at least we have made an effort of trying to fix things up.

so along the way to UCD, we were encouraging one another. pika kept reminding to reset our intentions a.k.a betulkan niat. while i was trying to justify what we were trying to do: unta.

i remembered one hadith (albeit vaguely), that in the concept of tawakkal = redha to whatever happens, leaving things to Allah to decide what's best for you, you still have to make an effort. you don't just leave your unta around for Allah to keep watch, but you tie it first to the tree, then pray that Allah keep watch. because tawakkal comes with usaha (effort). and that, is exactly what we did today. the problems aren't solved yet really, and may never be, but like what AbahMama reminded me in the phone before i left off;

"yan buat apa yan patut buat. in the end hati orang-orang tu Allah yang pegang.

Allah might change them or may not. so yan kena redha that it's the best.

janji you make your effort."

(note: they speak Kelate+english)

i'm done with my effort for the time being. and the relief of laying things off your chest is somewhat satisfactory.

Alhamdulillah.

"..Dan jika kamu mempunyai azam, maka bertawakkallah kepada Allah, 

sesungguhnya Allah mencintai orang-orang yang bertawakkal. 

Jika kamu ditolong oleh Allah, maka tidak akan ada yang mampu 

mengalahkan dan menghinakan kamu. 

Maka, siapakah yang dapat menolong kamu setelah (pertolongan) Allah? 

Dan kepada Allahlah orang-orang yang beriman hendaknya bertawakkal." 

[3: 159-160]

A date to Remember :)

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

55 years ago, today. my Abah was born.

*****

today i spent the whole day with abah and mama. most of our plans went down the drain when abah got those emergency calls from his workers. apparently he's been getting a lot of these phone calls these few days. =,=''

i spent most of the time inside the car. only abah and mama kept coming in and going out. meeting people, signing stuff, discussing things, drenched wet in the rain. hadoy. we were only able to have lunch by 6.30pm!

we got back home only around maghrib time. and almost straight away after the prayers, we had to send lin off to her tuition class, all the way to Pengkalan Chepa. and then back all the way to Pendek for the weekly tahlil. and then rushing back to pick lin up again.

7 a.m to 11 p.m.  *phew*

*****

i didn't do much today. all i did was watch. watch the things mama and abah do everyday. the things that i don't get to see much because i was too little to understand, or too busy with homeworks as i grew up, or too busy with classes and exams, or just because i was away from home.

it made me think a lot. these are the things that they have been doing for so long now. without us (anak-anak) truly knowing about it. and yet with all these things in their hands, we never really noticed this. we've never been pushed away; it seems like we were always eating together, laughing together, joking around together. but behind our backs, these are the things that they have to think of, the work that they have to do, their time and energy spent; so so much, just because of us.

but they kept quiet about it. no matter how busy and spent they were.

no wonder everyone in the family thought mama abah are just doing office work. 

*****

somehow we might think that for our parent's birthday; throwing a celebration, buying cool gifts and baking a huge delicious cake is enough. but in truth, after seeing all those things they did, the best gift for them is to keep our promises to them.

to be a good son/daughter,

to be a good human being,

to be a good muslim/muslimah,

to make doa for them, pray for them;

to love them, cherish them, respect them, and honour them.

******

i know that what i've seen is only the tip of the iceberg. we will never truly know what our parents have done for us. Allahu Allah. 

“Ya Allah, ampunilah aku dan ampunilah kedua-dua ibu bapaku

dan cucurilah rahmat kepada mereka 

sebagaimana mereka mencurahkan kasih sayangnya 

memelihara dan mendidikku ketika kecil.”

Dearest Abah, (and mama. hehe); 

happy birthday. i love you both so so much.

and to You,

alhamdulillah, for blessing me with them. :')

mind rant #12: hello 2013

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

*kofkof* it should be Today rather than tomorrow. heh.
linked

hello 2013.

1. i'm not good with making resolutions.

2. i'm not sure if i have even made one before.

3. maybe because i know i'm bound to leave it lying around.

4. resolutions are goals right?

5. why do we have to make yearly ones when we are already making daily ones? (a.k.a niat pagi-pagi depan cermin)

6. i don't like new year celebrations.

7. i find it lagho and pointless. (because i'm a rather lagho-prone being)

8. plus, what's there to celebrate?

9. especially if we take time to sit down and think of the things we have done for the past year.

10. or maybe we actually don't take the time to sit down and think of the things that we have done in the past year? hm....

11. forgetting all those sins, all those wrong-doings, iman yang merudum, jiwa yang futur. sobs.

12. thus, this explains the celebration and the fireworks? (and the singing with menteri-menteri from what i've heard.) =,=''

13. we are too optimist perhaps? 

14. or too hopeful for a better future and a better self?

15. thus we think all is well, because we have written down resolutions that we'll be better. 

16. so we write things like; "pada Ramadhan tahun ini, saya akan pakai tudung."

17. or "by the end of 2013, i'll be a good Muslim."

18. hadoy..=,=''

19. i can actually die when i'm writing my 20th point.

20. you can actually die while reading my 21st point.

21. okay so i made my point that we can die anytime. 

22. and thus resolutions to change for the better is not just about writing it down,

23. or that they should have a time limit.

24. i've read so many times of how those Indonesian artists said things like; "saya akan memakai hijab selama 40 hari sahaja kerana terikat dengan kontrak"

25. astaghfirullahal'azim (repeat this 7 times. thank you)

26. only time will show whether malaysian muslims will end up like this. =,='' (naudzubillah)

27. okay the list is dragging on now.

28. i should stop and write a real resolution

29. the real resolution of izyan ariff 2013: *drumroll* 

30. new year is not a celebration, nor it is a time to write a bunch of long lists that will be forgotten.

31. it's the time for you to look back at your past year (or maybe life) wholly.

32. the things you have done and the things you haven't.

33. the things that have happened and the things that haven't.

34. the tests that Allah has thrown your way; Alhamdulillah.

35. the nikmat that Allah has never failed to give; Alhamdulillah.

36. the sins that you have committed, Astaghfirullah.
37. the times that you have forgotten; Astaghfirullah.

38. how far have you gone back to Him?

39. how far have you tried to go back to Him?

40. cause in the end, life is all about a journey to get back to Allah S.W.T.

41. reflections > resolutions. no?

goodbye 2012.

the end.

ps: i failed to write resolutions, yet again. :)

if you manage to write yours, i pray Allah grant you the Time to fulfill them all;

insyaAllah wa Aameen. :)

a good prayer, as always:

رَبَّنَا تَقَبَّلۡ مِنَّآ‌ۖ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ ٱلسَّمِيعُ ٱلۡعَلِيمُ

رَبَّنَا وَٱجۡعَلۡنَا مُسۡلِمَيۡنِ لَكَ وَمِن ذُرِّيَّتِنَآ أُمَّةً۬ مُّسۡلِمَةً۬ لَّكَ وَأَرِنَا مَنَاسِكَنَا وَتُبۡ عَلَيۡنَآ‌ۖ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ ٱلتَّوَّابُ ٱلرَّحِيمُ

"Ya Tuhan kami terimalah daripada kami [amalan kami], 

sesungguhnya Engkaulah Yang Maha Mendengar lagi Maha Mengetahui". 

Ya Tuhan kami, jadikanlah kami berdua orang yang tunduk patuh kepada Engkau dan [jadikanlah] di antara anak cucu kami umat yang tunduk patuh kepada Engkau dan tunjukkanlah kepada kami cara-cara dan tempat-tempat ibadat haji kami, dan terimalah taubat kami. Sesungguhnya Engkaulah Yang Maha Penerima taubat lagi Maha Penyayang."

[2:127-128]

Who She Is

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

che was holding my hand the other day. so i decided to snap a picture:
me: Che, yan ambik gambar deh.
and she suddenly kept her hand still. heheh. cute :)

Che (my grandma) is recovering well these days. her glucose is well managed. she is no longer dehydrated. she eats well, drinks well. but the after-effect of her hyperglycaemic attack (high blood glucose) is quite obvious, she's quite disoriented and confused. very much worse than before.

she remembers people most of the time, her children and her grandchildren. but she cant remember what time of the day it is. sometimes she can't remember where she is. and lately when she is awake, she talks a lot about weird things. old memories resurfacing now and then. and we all tried our best to listen and converse with her as normally as we could; keeping in mind to treat her as our Che eventhough she is not quite herself. 

but no matter how confused she seems to be, there is always one thing that she would ask for;

to pray.

always. 

the first time she asked for it was during the first few days we brought her home. at that time she was still very much dehydrated and she was still infused with IV fluids. she can barely sit on her own. once, i helped my aunt to assist her praying. she was so weak, but she wanted to pray and had been asking for it over and over again. so we sit her down, while i supported her weight from behind. i can barely hear her recitals, so my aunt would recite al-Fatihah loudly for her to follow. and only 2 rakaat in, she had forgotten that she was praying and she wanted to sleep. T__T

now, with a little bit of her strength regained,
she asked to pray, many many times in a day.

sometimes, she'd asked to pray asar, whereas it was already nearing midnight.

sometimes, she would ask for water for her wudhu' (ablution), and right when we're bringing her water, 

she would suddenly think that she had already taken her wudhu' and wanted to continue praying.

sometimes, she thinks the qiblah is towards the South and sometimes, she wants it towards the East.

sometimes, she prayed 4 rakaat, sometimes she prayed only 1, sometimes none at all.

sometimes, she'd asked to pray again right after finishing one. 

and we had to assure her that she has already prayed.

****

seeing her like this, all of us in the family thought of the same thing;

it's who she is.

someone who always takes care of her solat.

that despite her being so confused and disorientated, that is what she worries most,

whether she had missed any of her solat or not.

eventhough it's not easy to do those things over and over again,

taking that big basin of water near her only for her to refuse it suddenly, 

having to pick her up and lie her back down etc.

i see that all of us family would do all those things for her still,

because that's what makes her who she is; 

our beloved Che.

praying that Allah strengthen everyone through this. truthfully, i feel so blessed to be a part of this big family. seeing aunty, kak an, sue, ayah di and everyone else fulfilling their responsibilities as a daughter, as a son, and even as a grandchild. i pray that Allah Bless them all. Aamiin. :)

**********

in truth, we can care for our old parents; bathe them, feed them, change their diapers; 

just exactly like how they did it to us when we were small.

but they cared for us in order for us to live,

while we cared for them while waiting for their time to end;

and that, makes all the difference. 

"Dan Tuhanmu telah memerintahkan supaya kamu jangan menyembah selain Dia dan hendaklah kamu berbuat baik pada ibu bapamu dengan sebaik-baiknya. Jika salah seorang di antara keduanya atau kedua-duanya sampai berumur lanjut dalam pemeliharaanmu, maka sekali-kali janganlah kamu mengatakan kepada keduanya perkataan "ah" dan janganlah kamu membentak mereka dan ucapkanlah kepada mereka perkataan yang mulia. Dan rendahkanlah dirimu terhadap mereka berdua dengan penuh kesayangan dan ucapkanlah: "Wahai Tuhanku, kasihilah mereka keduanya, sebagaimana mereka berdua telah mendidik aku waktu kecil".

[17: 23-24]