Dear Pillow

i think i was 6 years old at that time. it was in the evening when Abah came by and asked me to "pijak belakang Abah." i was dutifully doing it when i saw kakak and abe heading out to play with the other kids outside. i don't play around the kampung much, because i was a timid little girl. but before kakak and abe head for boarding schools, i would follow them when they played around the neighbourhood. 

so i was psyched when they went out, and carefully i asked Abah; "yan nak tubik main boleh?" (can i go out and play?); abah who was oblivious to all this, said no. cause i've only started the 'pijak belakang' session. i remembered how i was so frustrated, and sad, and angry at Abah. it felt unfair. T,T 

but instead of stomping on abah's back (that would have been evil and funny), i continued stepping on his back up and down, all the while crying silently. i was so angry at Abah, but i know that i can't be angry at my dad, and tears were all that came out. but finally Abah realized what happened, and wiped my tears and let me off to play. :)

****

as the years went by, this habit of mine remains. when someone is being harsh at me,  i'd cry. when i'm frustrated at something i'd cry. when i hate something i'd cry. when i'm angry at someone i would definitely cry. most of my emotions are expressed with tears. it's a weird disorder really. 

and at 23, a wider range of emotions are felt, and most of them would still end with tears. =,='' same old, same old. nothing's change much, except that i don't have Abah or Mama near me as always to wipe them tears off. *sobs*

growing up is hard.

*****

dear Pillow,

sorry for all the tears. 

T___T

linked

to future yan;

toughen up a bit will you? :')

وَأَنَّهُ هُوَ أَضْحَكَ وَأَبْكَىٰ

Dan bahawa sesungguhnya, Dia lah yang menyebabkan 

(seseorang itu bergembira) tertawa, dan menyebabkan 

(seseorang itu berdukacita) menangis; 

(53:43)

*Allah Knows Best*