dis-Ability

currently: at a computer lab in the health science building. 4:12pm Dublin time.

target: will publish this post once im back home tonight.

outside: i think the wind today aims on banging everyone in its way to the nearest tiang elektrik or any tiang for that matter.

Today. i have been tested. and i think i failed. something that i  have to work on if im planning on spending my lifetime in this field. a test: controlling my emotions.

i think it started during last semester, that i always ended up remembering a thing or two, about family members with anything that im learning in class. a lot of things triggered me; a picture, a list of symptoms, and sometimes even just a simple word. at times it's quite fun. for instance, if i read or listen to anything about pregnancy, im mentally jotting it down to tell kakak.

but sometimes it's not so fun. whenever my mind wanders off in the middle of an opened book, to arwah Baba, arwah Che Abah, arwah Ayah Mama and more frequent than i would have wanted, arwah Pak Ngoh.

sometimes it's because of building curiosity; but lately, they saddens me too much. and today seems to be one of its peak. we learnt about dysphasia, disability in communication. i wont go into details, but every slide the lecturer was showing lead me back to him. i was helplessly trying to focus on the materials shown. i scribbled down anything that i can, yet it gets worse. my vision was all blurry most of the time.

most of the things, reminds me of him. it seems to be what he would have been diagnosed with. maybe because i missed him, it makes me a little bit sad, knowing that i finally can name his condition, and know more about it; 7 months late. but the thing i cant control most was the ever-intensifying guilt that i was feeling.

the list of things that i wish i had done. 

the list of things that i would have done differently towards him.

astaghfirullah.

i dont know whether i had been the best of niece towards you, but i wish i had.

i wish we all had. me, kakak, abe and lin.

astaghfirullah.

i pray that when we meet again,
you've forgiven us for all the things we had done wrong, unintentionally.
astaghfirullah.

if my ramblings today seems like im not accepting Qada' & Qadar.

nauzubillah. it's not my intention.

it's just that i think these are the things Allah had left me to ponder on. the lecturer was telling us about the do's and dont's of handling disabled patients. i wondered what would i have felt? worried? anticipating? the things she mentioned, i think Allah had left me practicing them for the first 20 years of my life. i guess Allah had chosen medicine for me all along.

as for Pak Ngoh, i know that these regrets that im feeling towards you, are the things that i should be learning from. may all the experiences i had growing up with you,  be one of the best motivations to do well in medicine. *reluctant i am to acknowledge this fact; but the result is coming out tomorrow. whatever comes my way, Allah Decides. we all just plan the best we could*

insyaAllah i'll do my best. and despite all the regrets, i know that you're there at a better place now, back to Him, Our Ar-Rahman. our Ar-Rahim. and what's best, He made sure you left me with the sweetest motivation that i'd never expected; my picture at the front of your wallet.

miss you pak ngoh. i will read Quran a whole lot more tonight. :')

*ok. mata dah basah dalam lab comp. jangan bagi mat saleh sebelah nampak*

*Al-Fatihah*

by ~liebe-sie of deviantArt