Mind rant #25: A Jumble of Thoughts

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

It's been a while. A long while, i'd say. I plugged in my earphones and put the song of my blog on replay. I missed this feeling, really. Cause i would often write my thoughts with this particular music on. Life has been hectic. Alhamdulillah, we graduated on the 5th of June 2014. My whole big family arrived about a week prior to that, and I have been blessed enough to spend those 15days with them. And right after that it's packing time, and mind you, it ain't easy putting 5 years of girly stuff into a few boxes. So yes, life has been packed. As much as it is a blessing, for being able to do all this, for being able to end our 5 years in Dublin, we realized - i talked to Pika about this - that 'hectic' is a scary word. 

Cause we do find ourselves a little bit further from Him; 

a little less of the Quran, 

a little less of the rawatib, 

missed Tahajjud and so on. 

Astaghfirullah. It's not the best thing to share, i know. But it really did happened. :(

But now that the 'hectic'ness is almost over - we have packed all our stuff - we are only counting days before we leave Dublin for good. And we're planning on going down the memory lane for the last few days we have here, reminding ourselves of what has taken place in these 5 years that has somewhat built us as who we are today. :)

**********

Ramadhan

Ramadhan is now literally around the corner. i guess everyone is having that fluttering feel inside their tummy now. it's always a nervous feeling before Ramadhan. when the countdown begins i would always have that worry at the back of my mind, if i'm able to reach it? if the last Ramadhan was actually my last? but with those worries, come doa, right? so here's to praying that we are able to reach the days of Ramadhan with our loved ones and Muslims all around, and that we'd live throughout the holy month, and gain as much as we can from it, for it's Allah's Gift, for those who seek for Him, insyaAllah.

**********

Writing

And for the next few posts, i might just do a little bit of throwbacks here and there. Cause so much has gone through my mind, yet i wasn't able to write it down. I was blessed enough to do a lot of travelling over the weeks since i finished Med school, and with it, came many stories that was best to reflect upon. So here's to praying that i will write some good reminders soon, insyaAllah.

***********

Mothers

Too much blessings have been coming my way, that i did find my thoughts wandering off occasionally, when will the next ujian (test) that Allah may give me, cause we all know that life is only a test. But it did came. I got a call from my parents saying my beloved grandmother is quite sick at the moment. Going from bad to worse in only a day. So if anyone actually comes across this post, do send some prayers for her; semoga Allah panjangkan umur Che. semoga Allah ringankan sakit Che. I still have many days before i'm back home, i pray that Allah let me be with her like He always does. And that Che is able to see her granddaughter finally becoming a doctor like she always prayed for. :'( Ameen.

And today is Mama's birthday. I didn't even remember it during the phonecalls we had. A twist of fate isn't it? cause Mama's birthday is definitely a day to thank Che most importantly, for enduring everything to bring Mama to our world. May Allah eases everything for the both of them; both the ladies of my life. Ameen wa insyaAllah. :'(

Jazakumullahukhayr.

Second Phone Calls

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

My parents called me today. And they asked me some small things that they are worried about. But because i've explained it to them quite a few times before i found myself brushing off the whole thing, and explaining it again to them half-heartedly. Though it may not sound that way, but i know that during that phone call, i was actually annoyed.

Later on, i was texting my brother when he said that they were asking him the same thing, and he became a bit annoyed too. Eventually he had to call them again, cause he felt bad for the way he talks in the first one, hence the need to apologise. And eventually i found myself doing the same thing too;

Of making that second phone call.

*********

This is not a rare thing, really. It's apparent isn't it? That we are always doing less to those who are close to us, those who we love. We are less cautious with the words that we use, often hurting them at the end of our conversations. We are less in control of our emotions, easily bursting into anger or out of annoyance at any given time. We are less sabar with anything that they do, huffing and puffing whenever we feel like we want to.

We do less for them,

of what we would do for strangers. 

Cause with strangers we keep our face lit up, even with the most boring conversation ever. With strangers we keep all our emotions in check, even if they do or say the stupidest of things. It's this weird mechanics that we have inside us. It's not a bad thing of course, we should be properly-mannered human beings. But it's just a bit sad to acknowledge that we are not that 'well-behaved' with those who we are close to. And the reason to this, as much as we'd hate to admit it;

Is because we take things for granted, too easily.

But i guess it's one of the many flaws that we have in us (or is it just me and my brother? *awkward silence*). And admitting we have flaws doesn't get the job done either, unless we make a mental-note to ourselves that we should do better than that, and act on it. Which i guess explains the second phone calls that we have to make.

So i guess i'm writing this time to remind ourselves to be more thankful with what we have, and who we have; hence guiding ourselves to be a better person to them, as well as for our own sake; when we have to answer to Allah s.w.t one day. And more importantly, to remind myself of my mistakes, and here's to hoping that there will be less 'second phone calls' in the future, insyaAllah. :)

*******

i called them back, said sorry and did my explanation but i was brushed off; When abah passed the phone to mama a little quicker than he normally does. And mama said "Oh takde apa-apa la yan..." (Oh, it's nothing Yan.) Followed by this silence.

"Mama, what are you guys doing? Are you watching movies?"

"Aah. oooh tu die datang da" (Yup. oooh here he comes)

- referring to whoever psychopathic dude in the thriller movie that they are watching. 

yes, my phone call was actually disturbing them. hehe.

They may not have noticed it at all, and wasn't even hurt with whatever that we said. But it's important for us to realize when we have actually stepped out of our lines, and to always apologize whenever we do. I guess as much as we want to avoid making those second phone calls, perhaps it might not be that bad at all. Cause at least we still have a heart to even make one, rather than nothing at all. *wink*

“All the children of Adam constantly err, 

but the best of those who constantly err are those who constantly repent.” 

[hadith At-Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah, Ahmad]

to forgive and ask for forgiveness, always.

let's do this lads!

Mind rant #24: The Climb

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

mount Bray :)

For being able to write this post, i thank Allah s.w.t.

For being able to experience this, i thank Allah s.w.t.

For the chances that i had, the people that i encountered, i thank Allah s.w.t

For all the doa i have received, from known and unknown ones, 

Jazakumullahu khayr, only Allah is able to repay you back.

I am certainly sure that without these doa, i will never be where i am today.

Truly, Allah is the best planner of all.

This, perhaps will be one of my longest rants of all. But i just have to write it down, i need to write it down. I hope that it will somehow benefit or even inspire others, but most importantly it is to remind the future me, who will one day be at her lowest point in life, that once, Allah had blessed me with what i wanted, letting me reach the peak of a long and difficult climb. And to keep myself in gratitude, with what He has given me. InsyaAllah.

For truly with hardship comes ease.
Truly with hardship comes ease.

[94:5]

Again, i remind you that this is a very long rant. So i thank anyone who's willing to read this. And for those who're not that willing, i thank you anyway for still reading up to this point. And if you could do me a favour to scroll down to the very bottom, and pray for me and friends? Jazakumullahu khayr.

This, is a chapter of my life. So here goes;

***************

Professional Completion Module

We came back from our holidays/electives to start this last module of our 5-years of medical school. It will lasts for 10-weeks. And we all knew that time will fly, so so fast, and it really did! As scary as it had been though, we did enjoy ourselves in between. Listening to talks from the consultants about life as interns, they really do give you that boost of energy that you need. All the while trying to remind us to enjoy our last moments as students.

*here's us (with anak-anak Zainol) enjoying ourselves here and there. with ice creams and flowers*

Study groups

We weren't the best at sticking to study groups. We never really had any when we were in our pre-clinical years and even during our clinical years. Until we realized that finals are coming up so we really have to get our heads into this, or else we'll get left behind. So together with the anak-anak Zainol (pika and ika), we'd be studying everyday, going through whatever topics that we decided on. Ika's smallest bedroom is our main port. With ika at her desk, and I will be perched in the most backache-inducing position on ika's bed; with pika on the other end of the bed with her own unhealthy-posture. This was our routine.

Our little group is called the Flame and Moths, cause both me and ika will somehow do whatever that Pika asks. Hence, the theory, that she is the Flame that all Moths are attracted to. heh. Sometimes we even wondered if she possesses any black magic to lure us in. Hmm. And on weekends we'll head to the James Joyce Library, now back to our '3 Musketeers and a Zorro' (fitri hakim) group. And Akem will always ended up taking our pictures by the end of it. :P towards the remaining days, the girls (Suha and Ecah) came by and sleep at our house, to study together like we always do for the past exams we had :)

Sorry, i really don't want to forget all this, that's why i'm writing it all down. But here's the main point, the only way for you to ever get through med school, is by study groups.

Trust me. We're not meant to live alone. :)
and again i thank Allah for blessing me with them.

and this is Mr Zorro. one who'd take pretty pictures for the three of us,
who doesn't like pictures of himself, cause he does that kind of weird Zorro pose. :)

Final days

And as the final exam approaches, we all became much more vulnerable. And there's only really one solution to it: prayers. And night prayers (tahajjud) was the one that is most important that helped us through this. And trust me, it hasn't been easy. The very early Subuh here in Dublin made it even much harder to wake up for Qiam, and you cant really sleep early cause the Isya prayer is quite late. But we'd all be knocking on each other's doors or miscalling the other's handphones whenever we do wake up. Sometimes the knocks work. Sometimes it doesn't (and we'd be rolling like sushis inside our duvets huhu). But we tried our best to keep close to Allah s.w.t. InsyaAllah.

And i don't think i need to remind anyone about the importance of tahajjud at this point in time, we all know how special it is. The only problem is how hard we try to stick to it. So don't worry if we failed multiple times, the important thing is we tried and we keep on trying. :)

The du'a made in Tahajjud,

is like an arrow that doesn't miss its target.

[Imam Shafi'e]

yup, years worth of notes.
mine is the coloured one. Akem's is the cards.

The exams

Our finals consist of 2 exams, alhamdulillah. Because the school didn't want to jumble all things together, so we did most of the difficult part during our 4th year (medicine and surgery - with all the very difficult OSCEs and written exams) and in the first part of our final year (psych, GP, ObsGynae, Paeds). Many thought that us UCD students seem to get the easy way out. well, maybe. but we have always thought that we all did the exact same thing like others, it's just much earlier in our 4th year. So it seems like these two exams is nothing serious but they are pretty much as scary. And me and Suha ended up in the first group to start on Tuesday and Wednesday. While all the other malaysians start theirs on Wednesday and Thursday.

"If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then,
is an empty desk a sign?"  - Albert Einstein.
i take comfort with this quote. this is always how it looks like when i study. :)

The Viva. 

Wednesday, 29th April 2014.

I remembered that i wasn't able to focus anymore when i read. So i decided to watch this video by Nouman Ali Khan in the morning of the exam. The video was called "Praying for Success" (linked).  It was a 30 minutes khutbah, so as i was prepping myself for the exam, i could only listen to the first 12 minutes of it. And the thing that got stuck in my head was: 

"ask Allah for what you need to get through it."

Which really does make sense. Cause we can ask for whatever that we wanted, but perhaps that wouldn't be the things that will help us get through any of the hurdles that we are facing. So i was the second group to be called for the Viva exam, and i remembered feeling quite calm as i was waiting for my turn outside the room. Another guy was sitting beside me. I wished him luck, and then i closed my eyes for a good minute, mumbling this Doa over and over;

"ya Allah, grant me with what i need, You're the All-Knower." 

And then i was called. Bismillah :)

magically that day we wore the exact same colour! :)
and that's the book for Viva.

The Long Case exam. 

30th April 2014

So for anyone outside the medical field, this exam is basically a session where you'd be sent to a random patient, and you'd spent 45 minutes with him/her, taking down their history (whatever that they came in with) and examine them and organize all these jumbled information that you have to present it to two consultant-examiners for 15-20 minutes. You'd present the patient and his/her case, and give your thoughts on what the diagnosis might be with your reasons, things that may have been (the differential diagnosis) and your short-term and long-term management for it. And they can then ask you whatever they want, either about the case or nothing related to it at all.

So as you can see, that's why medical students would usually be the ones who'd desperately ask for prayers when they are in exams. Cause almost everything can go wrong in only an hour of the exam. Your patient can be uncooperative, you may not even understand a word they are saying for their thick accent, you may know what's wrong with them but you could not remember anything about the disease or its management, you could have the world's most scary consultants staring down at your stupid answers, and you could even get tongue-tied in the middle of it all.

But when i went for my exam that morning, instead of my initial plan to go early and revise for cranial nerves exam (cause i was beginning to feel like i know nothing!), i went to the St Vincent's Hospital's surau, and spent my time with Allah s.w.t. I poured everything out; the nervousness, my jitters, and my hopes. it was a relief. it's like i was letting go of my every worries; to leave the rest to Allah's Will. So after that i went straight to the hall that we have to wait in, and being Mr Ariff's daughter, i was certainly in the first group to start the exam straight away. So when i went to my patient, the most important thing that i bring in with me was my trust in Allah. For i have done my part, my revisions, my prayers, and now it's His Plans that i should believe in.

Tawakkal.

Mine was quite a straight-forward case except for the fact that i can't examine her stoma. But Allah helped me through it. And I was the first one to finish the exam at 9:15am, coming back to an empty hall. Subhanallah, Alhamdulillah, Allahuakbar.

right after i finished my Long Case. my expression is disproportionate to the agony i felt.

D-day: Doctor Day. 

1st May 2014

So both me and Suha was quite free that morning, while the rest of the Malaysians are heading for their long case exams. We had our good rest after our jitters, and like we planned, we walked for 40-minutes to Clonskeagh Mosque for the morning. We spent our time there, and i was reminded of my first long case exam in my Baby Res year (3rd year). Back then, I finished a day earlier, so i went to Clonskeagh Mosque for a 'date'. 2 years later and I am here for the same reason again, but with a partner this time. :)

********

While at the mosque, a lady who was reciting the Quran since we arrived suddenly came up to us, she wanted to do her tasmi'. And she recited 2.5 pages of the Quran that she memorized this morning, MasyaAllah. So we asked her a bit on how she does it; she said it's been 4 years now. Her son is already a Hafiz at the age of 14. And she said to do it a page a time, especially after Fajr prayer. And she asked me a question; "are you married? -i shake my head obviously- well then, you have a lot of time to do it." Huhu, insyaAllah.

***********

We went back home, and by this time everyone have finished their exam. So basically what we were told was that if we failed any of the two exams, we will get "the email" that will tell us to come and redo the long case exam the next day. So that was what we were dreading. The promised email would come out at 6pm. So after our Zuhr prayer, we were in our telekung, and we were all reciting al-Quran, calming down our nerves. We wanted to revise a bit in case the inevitable happen but we couldn't focus. In the end at about 4pm, the jitters was starting to come in. Finally ika and Ecah came to join me and Suha in my room. We all talked about our cases, reassuring one another of all the wrong things we did as well as the wrong answers that we have blurted out. And then suddenly Pika came to the room with this ghastly look and said: "the email is out". And it was only 5pm.

And everything went by so fast. We all were checking our phones and after confirming that everyone passed all of us hugged each other and we were all crying. We did our sujud syukur and went to call our family as it was still 12 a.m. in Malaysia. And the rest, was history.

with suha at Clonskeagh.
and that was us skyping after the result.
*mata bengkak nangis semua*

************

Looking back, so much have happened. And it has been a roller-coaster ride through it all. Suffice to say that I will cherish every moment that I have been through. We are all happy, alhamdulillah. But that night, after prayers, we all make du'a together for our past, our present, and our future;

For the desperation that we felt all the while, 

which had brought us down to our knees,

forehead down in sujud, sobbing into our prayers, 

seeking for none other but Allah's help; 

We prayed that that feeling will last, 
in our time of happiness and sadness.

For the new amanah that we have now as Doctors, 

we prayed that we will keep our promises that we say every so often;

That we wanted to be doctors not just to heal the bodies,

But to heal the souls, with Allah's help and by Allah's Will.

and to be doctors for the ummah and not just for ourselves,

carrying the responsibility of amar makruf nahi munkar with the trust.

For the last 5 years of being a medical student,

With all the lonesome rides, the agonies and the emotional turmoils,

The patients that we have seen and learn from;

The books that we have read, and the time we spent,
All the hard work as well as any of the lagha (forgetful)  moments;

We prayed that Allah forgive us for all the wrong-doings,

and accepted these 5 years as part of our amal ibadah. InsyaAllah.

Aamiin ya Rabb.

If anyone is still reading this post, then i hoped you'd say Aamiin for this doa.
It has been, a great climb.
Alhamdulillah, wa astaghfirullah.

That's it for my rants this time.

Thank You, ya Rabb. 

I can never thank You enough.
*crybucketloads*

Yours truly,

Dr Izyan Ariff

MB BCh BAO,

University College Dublin

2009-2014.

always am and always will be, another servant of Allah s.w.t. :)

Mind rant #23: Finals

it's surreal to think that my 7 years of studying is coming up to an end biidznillah (with Allah's Will); but it is! -with only a few weeks left down the road - and some friends are already starting their finals in a few days! heads up peeps!

but inevitably, our final exam acts as a reminder that another chapter of our lives is almost coming to an end, insyaAllah. and it might just be that phase of life that we'll miss most, one day. *potong bawang*. And seriously, it scares me to think of what and how will the next chapter unfolds, but i'm holding on to this one last page while it lasts. :)

doakan kami students Medicine,
dan maafkan segala salah silap kami;
for being forgetful, for being hurtful, for being just hampeh friends all this while *sobs*

may Allah Eases everyone's path, wherever we are insyaAllah.

it has been a long and challenging yet rewarding journey,

do pray that it ends beautifully please?

and always,

thank You Ya Rabb.

for always being there with us;

watching over us, every step of the way. :')

Usaha, Tawakkal dan Doa.

in Allah, we put our trust. :')

إِن يَنصُرْكُمُ اللَّهُ فَلَا غَالِبَ لَكُمْ وَإِن يَخْذُلْكُمْ فَمَن ذَا الَّذِي يَنصُرُكُم مِّن بَعْدِهِ وَعَلَى اللَّهِ فَلْيَتَوَكَّلِ الْمُؤْمِنُونَ

"Jika Allah menolong kamu, maka tak adalah orang yang dapat mengalahkan kamu; 

jika Allah membiarkan kamu (tidak memberi pertolongan), 

maka siapakah gerangan yang dapat menolong kamu (selain) dari Allah sesudah itu? 

Karena itu hendaklah kepada Allah saja orang-orang mukmin bertawakkal."

[3:160]

*time blur otak tepu start la layan meme ni*
ps: have you guys checked out TrollTarbawi?
pps: nak buku Inche Gabbana~~ sape kat Malaysia belikan hadiah please? :P

of Miracles and Hope

linked

I fell in love with this quote from a TV show that i watched, it was so true that the first time i heard it, it hit me hard. And i kept wondering when would be the best time to share it in here, and finally it's time. it's a long post. you've been warned.

*******

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

"Some people say there are miracles, and some people say there's no such thing.

But in moments of urgency, people inevitably wait for a miracle. Thus, miracles need to exist - 

so that in all times of urgency there is a glimmer of hope for people to dwell on. 

Miracles need to exist..."

My beloved country, Malaysia. Seeing so much strain on you gives me a heartache really. I think it's been a while since I last earnestly prayed for you. So many tests Allah has given you at one time. And so many people involved; those who lost their family members or friends through the missing flight; those who are working around the clock trying to figure out what has happened to that plane; those who have to leave home for days now for the search and rescue missions; and not to mention how lives are becoming difficult with the worsening air and the drought taking place. Being a Malaysian -albeit not being there at the moment- it is heart-wrenching to read the never-ending news, bad ones piling up one after the other. 

And I pray for nothing more than a miracle. 

Cause being a Muslim, we all do believe in miracles.

surah al-Kahfi reminded us of miracles every so often;

and the story of Israk Mikraj does the same too. reminding us how miracles are never really impossible. 

Knowing that Allah is the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth, 
we believe in "Kun fayakun";

بَدِيعُ السَّمَاوَاتِ وَالْأَرْضِ وَإِذَا قَضَىٰ أَمْرًا فَإِنَّمَا يَقُولُ لَهُ كُن فَيَكُونُ

"Allah Pencipta langit dan bumi, dan bila Dia berkehendak (untuk menciptakan) sesuatu, 

maka (cukuplah) Dia hanya mengatakan kepadanya: "Jadilah!" Lalu jadilah ia."

[2:117]

******

Hence, I pray for a miracle.

That the plane would just appear before us, safe and sound. Or whatever has happened in between - be it hijacked, or conspiracy theories, or just malfunctions - I wish all those innocent victims will come back safely into the arms of their loved ones. Because it's not just the 239 lives involved, the families who are anxiously waiting and hoping for them to come back are also included. The challenges that they have to face are totally beyond our imagination and comprehension. 

I pray for a miracle.

That all Malaysians and people around the world would come together and pray for the best. To give a hand whenever it is possible. To give encouragements to those who are doing their best. To support the family members and friends of those involved, keeping them in our thoughts and our prayers.

I pray for a miracle.

That we all realized how much these things are all tests given by Allah s.w.t. Reminding us that we are inevitably just His Creations; weak, small, and helpless without Him. Because whatever we do, no matter how advanced our technologies are, no matter how many countries and intelligence involved in this whole matter, no matter how much we have prepared things beforehand, nobody can stop the plane from going missing, nobody can stop the drought, nobody can stop anything if Allah Wills it.

But despite knowing how easy it is for Allah s.w.t to grant us miracles, 

somehow our actions seems to be pushing the miracles away.

so how can we hope for a miracle?

When all we do is treating the whole thing as just sensationalised news. Waking up everyday to see what's most controversial of all. Never once putting ourselves in the shoes of those involved. we were so easily distracted by things that entertained us, so much so that we loved talking about Raja Bomoh for days. I wondered, if it was my brother on the plane, would I even watch all those videos? would I make time to make parodies of the 3 guys on the 'magical' carpet? I felt sick to even laugh at the pictures posted. But sadly that was what most of us were doing. I don't really mind those who were raising the issue of aqidah and khurafat acts, but most were just enjoying ourselves, having some laugh over bomoh and buaya.

How can we hope for a miracle?

When all we do is condemn whatever that is being done. Bashing everything from the get-go. I couldn't care less whatever the medias outside Malaysia are saying, but I think the least that us Malaysians could do for our home-country is to encourage them. I am not saying they're the best at handling this - how can we even compare when none has ever faced it before? - but I do believe that they are doing their best. And for most of us who are just staring at the laptop day in day out, the least we could do is pray that Allah eases the paths for all those involved.

How can we hope for a miracle?

When we failed to realise that these are Allah's reminders of our status as His Creations. We failed so badly, that we ended up going further away from Allah s.w.t, deviated from the rightful path. The news of those concerts was just another eye-opener of why we're in this mess in the first place. That these kinds of things - concerts, zina, hedonism, secularism - are happening in Malaysia; saying we're a Muslim country but never really acting as one. Inevitably, we're just a country filled with Muslims - which is a very questionable status for each of us anyway;

are we truly Muslims? 
or are we those who said syahadah without truly understanding it, let alone act upon it. :'(

يَا مُقَلِّبَ الْقُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبِى عَلَى دِينِكَ

“Oh Turner of Hearts, keep my heart firm on Your Deen.”

"...But miracles are miracles because they are not common. There are far more misfortunes we don't think of, than miracles that we don't expect. And miracles in the end are a matter of probability. And life is cruel with its absolute and overwhelming probability. But still miracle is needed.
Rather than the despair of zero probability that will never come to pass, a ten-million-to-one chance is better. That is how hope exist."

and we're back to praying for those miracles.

And knowing that miracles only come from Allah s.w.t, 

let's remind one another to play our side of the bargain as His hamba, 

because as much as miracles are rare, it is never impossible, 

when we truly believe in Allah s.w.t.

and quoting Cinderella; "even miracles take a little time."

.. and effort. insyaAllah. May Allah eases.

Pray4MH370.

Pray4Malaysia.

Pray4Muslims.

 prayers for you and me.

Love Confession

linked

I have this guy that I love. And I wanted to show him how much I love him, that I decided to look up for things that I can do for just that. I read magazines, articles, watch movies and shows to look for all these romantic tips and tricks about love. Those tips tell me that i should try to give presents, to cook awesome food, to say sweet and encouraging words all the time, to do this and that. I was so into all of them, that I spent my time picking up the best gifts, wrapping them carefully with my own two hands; I looked up for recipes for all his favourite dishes and spent hours making them etc. things went on like this for a while until one day, when I met him, I realised that I don't actually love him, for I have been in love with the act of showing him that I love him.

And that I, have fallen out of love.

********

Yes people, this is just an analogy and purely fictional.

I'm not yet married so i am nowhere near to having a lovey-dovey relationship at the moment, thanks. 

But it was something that I realized had happened in my relationship with my Creator. We have so much things that we were told we can do to gain His Love. Reciting the Quran, listening to Islamic talks, waking up for Qiam, performing those extra solat sunnah. But I realized that without the right mind and intention, these efforts can really easily turn into just another day's routine. When we'd stand up after our obligatory prayers for our Rawatib, out of reflex. When we're lifting our hands for some du'a but what's coming out is just a well-rehearsed du'a that we've been reciting for the past months, them having lost their meaning to us; and what's worse is that sometimes we don't even lift our hands anymore. When we'd wake up for Qiam, we performed our prayers,  but by the end of our night, all we ended up doing was asking for those worldly things that we wanted so bad; never once stopping to appreciate His Presence or His Closeness. And sometimes, we'd just woken up for that 2 rakaat of Qiam, to be able to tick the boxes for our 'good deeds I've done' list. 

We no longer talk to Him. 

We no longer have tears with our du'a.

We no longer pour things out from our hearts.

Because our hearts has become hardened enough, 

that it no longer seeks Allah s.w.t.

*******

I guess this saying suits my not-so-much love confession for today, 

"We often mix between what is for Allah's sake 

and what is for our own sake". 

Hence, we need reminders to get us back on the rightful track;

To renew our intentions;

To love Allah, for the sake of Allah;

To do all those extra ibadah, for Him, and not just because we have this worldly gain that we want;

To be sincere, and work hard trying to be one, despite knowing that it's the most difficult thing of all.

And perhaps only then we'd be able to get our hearts back; 

to love Him unconditionally, and have our beautiful ending, which is to gain Allah's Redha.

Let's pray together for just that shall we?

InsyaAllah wa Aamiin.

Dari Abu Hurairah –radhiyallahu ‘anhu-, ia berkata bahwa Nabi s.a.w bersabda, 

“Allah Ta’ala berfirman: Aku sesuai persangkaan hamba-Ku. Aku bersamanya ketika ia mengingat-Ku.

 Jika ia mengingat-Ku saat bersendirian, Aku akan mengingatnya dalam diri-Ku. 

Jika ia mengingat-Ku di suatu kumpulan, Aku akan mengingatnya di kumpulan yang lebih baik daripada pada itu . 

Jika ia mendekat kepada-Ku sejengkal, Aku mendekat kepadanya sehasta. 

Jika ia mendekat kepada-Ku sehasta, Aku mendekat kepadanya sedepa. 

Jika ia datang kepada-Ku dengan berjalan (biasa), maka Aku mendatanginya dengan berjalan cepat.” 

[Hadith Bukhari dan Muslim]

Mind rant #22: Changing Me

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

Assalamualaikum.

It's been a while hasn't it? I remembered how I used to promise myself that I just have to keep on writing and reminding, to keep my iman in check. But suffice to say I had too much holiday going on and classes haven't even started yet in this final leg of the race. (Yes, with Allah's will, supposedly I'm only 2 months away from being called a doctor. InsyaAllah. Pray for me and friends please?). Hence, I came with a somewhat solid conclusion of why writing has been extra hard this past 30 days: 

my lack of activity.

Like I said, I had a long holiday back home in Malaysia, spending most of my days at home doing nothing aside from being a faithful funny daughter (and bigger sister) to keep the house shining bright *cough*, but I wasn't able to do much of soul-searching stuff really. Yes, though the IKIM radio is kept on 24/7, and I did have serious talks with Abah or Mama now and then, something had gone amiss. Because I locked myself up in this comfort zone called home, I didn't really found anything or anyone to spark my self-reflect mode. Except perhaps the first 3 weeks i went back cause I was able to see people in the hospital. hence this post. 

And now despite the fact that I'm already physically in Dublin, classes hasn't even started yet. Well, truth be told we won't have much anyway since we're in our 'completion' mode. Most of our time would be filled with our own self-directed studying which I'm totally bad at. :( and thus, with this lack of activity, my time is spent with books and laptops/iPads and dramas (huhu) and I haven't seen other homosapiens that much yet. I can't wait for my sub-internship to start, really.

Anyhow, these all made me realise how important it is for us to live with others around us, because keeping to ourselves won't get us anywhere. I realised that most of the time, I will write down some random things in here because I have met someone or something that has triggered so many things inside of me: my thoughts, my perceptions, my emotions, my beliefs. And Alhamdulillah (all praises to Allah) these things are what had helped me to make whatever choices and decisions i have, to be a better hamba insyaAllah.

Talking about this somehow makes me see Medicine in a whole new light too. Which is the right boost for my finals insyaAllah. I don't think I can ever be someone who works with papers, computers or drawings; I need to see people. I need to meet people. Because seeing them changes who I am, little by little, for the better insyaAllah. So here's to hoping that I'll get to my dreams soon enough! And I humbly ask for your prayers for me and fellow friends who are on our way to DoctorHood. May Allah Ease. :)

And here's quoting a bestfriend of mine, Sang:

"Human being is the most complex system ever made.

The second one is the submarine."

I guess that's why I will forever be intertwining myself with other people, 

with the prayers that they will change me for the better, 

as much as I will for them.
InsyaAllah.
*..aaand cause huge machines going into the ocean is not my kind of thing.*

وَالْعَصْرِ

إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ

"Demi masa. Sesungguhnya manusia itu berada dalam kerugian.

kecuali orang-orang yang beriman dan mengerjakan amal saleh dan nasihat-menasihati supaya mentaati kebenaran dan nasihat-menasihati supaya menetapi kesabaran."

[surah 103]

Semoga kita bukan dalam kerugian.

Aamiin. :)