mind rant 5# : My Date

yesterday before the exam, i made a promise to myself. whatever happens, i'm going for a Date. 

*the Date* :)

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we always have a first to everything. and today is my first long case examination. the first for the many to come in my next 2 years left insyaAllah. it was hard. on all of us. our seniors, the interns, the SHOs, the REGs and even the consultants have briefed us countless times of how and what it consist of. but that had never made us feel any better prepared for what was to come. 

because despite the effort that we were making, somehow everything seems not right. the more we read, the more we realize how much we don't know and need to know; not to mention the more we forget the things we have read! we prepared template answers, practiced on one another, asked for tips, but the fact remains: anything can happen.

and that 'anything' happened to me. the seniors told us many times before, of the things that won't and may come up; cardiac, respi, GI, neuro yadda yadda. and guess what i got today? orthopaedics. something that none of us have really prepared for, because you rarely hear people get it for their first long case examination. they were those chapters that you would simply flip through without even giving a second glance. no templates prepared. and it was an area that i have never got a chance to be involved with in the last 9 weeks of hospital rotations this semester. when i saw the sign Orthopaedic, one thought popped: "what does Allah have in store for me?"

but it happened anyway; the exam that is. and Alhamdulillah, is the only kalimah that i can think of. i don't think i did great. i don't think i answered all the questions well. i don't think i did all the steps beautifully. i don't think i presented flawlessly. i don't even know if i even passed the test just now! (huhu. doakan~)  

but i am convinced that whatever came out of me, was because of His Will. it was because of His Plans.

so looking back, i have so many things to thank Him for, rather than worry of the tiny bits that i have done wrong. Alhamdulillah, bukan tergagap-gagap pun. Alhamdulillah, the consultants were encouraging. Alhamdulillah, the patient was super nice. Alhamdulillah, i didn't go blank. Alhamdulillah, the intern was helpful. and most importantly, Alhamdulillah; Allah bagi hati yang tenang. and Alhamdulillah, through those around me, i felt Loved. :')

when i got texts from random and close friends wishing me luck. entahla, call me jiwang karat, but if Allah is able to let others think of me; let alone Him, the ultimate Lover of His hamba? and best of all, i realized that  through all this, He kept reminding me of Him. so how can i not be thankful?

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lastnight, before i was about to sleep (because my tummy were doing somersaults) =,='', i 'whatsapp'ed my siblings. asking them to pray for me the next day. only to have kakak replying straight away; (it was 5am malaysia time);

"kakak baru habis solat hajat kat yan. Adik kakak boleh buat. Allah akan tunjuk jalan for u." 

this text left me crying to sleep.

and Abah's texts greeted me from time to time during the whole exam:

"Goodluck syg. Allah bersama yan. we all pray for you. Selawat banyak2."

"abah mama tengah mengaji (read Quran) for yan."

with them around me, how can i not be thankful?

*******

and so i head for the Date today, determined. to tell Him everything. to thank Him for everything. but words didn't really came out much today. all i did was to lift my hand, and i already knew that He Knew everything. but somehow, there was contentment in that little act; of lifting your hands to pray. i felt relief. serenity. over-whelmed. later in my Date, there was only one surah on my mind that i wanted to recite: it was Ar-Rahman. :')

فَبِأَىِّ ءَالَآءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ 

"Maka nikmat Tuhan kamu yang manakah yang kamu dustakan?"

to You,

make me a thankful abid with Your nikmat.

make me a thankful abid with Your ujian.

make me a thankful abid with Your Qada' & Qadar.

because You always Know best.

that was my Date. i pray that everyone have theirs too. :)

killing time before the date: 1. checking out books at Eason. 2. flowers for the birthday girl:Suha. 3. breakfast after exam.alone.awkward. 4. sempat lagi. girls will always be girls.

after draining myself 'intellectually' and emotionally. i decided to drain myself physically.
walked back home along the paths that i miss. took 40 minutes. in the drizzle. :)

ps: and Happy Birthday kakak, one of my best gift in life. praying that the years gone by have made you closer to Him, and the years to come will only make you even closer. Aamiin :) * i might do something for you. heh. mungkin je la. :)*

oh, and Assalamualaikum summer holiday :))