fikir. sejuk. kosong.

i have nothing else to do. thank god my brain is still functioning. but letting just the brain do its works doesn't make my days any better.

fikiran 1:

cold. dark. gloomy. that is how dublin is. and im here. not knowing what to do. how come before the holidays i listed a lot of things to do, but now that i have the time, seems like im not in the mood to do much anymore. humans. you want things when you dont have it. and when you have it you want other things. ok. i dont know what im talking about.

fikiran 2:

after pms, i have no other plans. except for the 13th of course. (going to disneyland. im not sure how that  will turn out, but i hope it won't be too cold there for me to enjoy my time). anyways, ive spent a good few days watching movies. some that i have always wanted to watch, some that ive heard of before, some i just came across. then i grew tired. (yes, the movies were interesting and all). but when i do these stuff, at the back of my mind, i always think "don't you have better things to do?". the answer is; i do. but yet,  here i am. doing the not-better things. which i know doesnt get me anywhere.

fikiran 3:

i am amazed by the kids who are able to read Quran very3 beautifully, but why am i watching 3 movies consecutively instead. and watch 'mari bertarannum' for only 1/2 hour yesterday?

i was jealous of those who memorize by heart all the histories of Islam etc. yet, i went on reading novels for hours at a time, and only searched for kisah-kisah sahabat etc when i feel like it. 

i was envious of those who're able to do Qiam often, yet my effort in waking up in the night is never enough. i slept at 3-4am. how CAN i wake up? i knew i was not trying hard enough, and still, i haven't change much.

i guess it's true, one of the greatest jihad, is jihad melawan nafsu. 

which i am really bad at.

*as if it's not already obvious* 

adoi.. i need strength. ~sigh~

Al-Imran:142 

"Apakah kamu mengira bahawa kamu akan masuk syurga, padahal belum nyata bagi Allah orang-orang yang berjihad di antara kamu, dan belum nyata orang-orang yang sabar"