Mind rant 20#: Lovey Dovey Lagi

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

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Now now, with my bestfriend-of-8-years's wedding only days away, and then receiving this invitation card full of love today, and not to mention the daily updates of the wedding from dresses to pelamin to flowers because I'm not able to be there; how can I resist the temptation to write another Love post? You tell me. =.=

I guess it's something unavoidable, at this age too, that when we hear these happy news, we tend to find ourselves back in the mind-state "when will my time comes?". It is annoying, irritating and rather tiring too, having to face the same kind of thoughts that we already know all the answers to. But I guess that's why Allah let us have those feelings, to let us come back to all the answers again, through Him. InsyaAllah.

*****

Love addicts. 

It's what we've all been fed through movies, dramas, songs and books; which is to be one. I remembered back when i was in highschool, i watched this series called Gilmore Girls. So one time, the girl Rory had a boy that she liked. His name was Dean. And then one time when they have been dating for a while, Dean suddenly said "i love you" which got Rory all flustered and she went back home in a huff saying things like she's not prepared yadda yadda. And I remembered thinking, "ouhh, so you can like someone.....but you can't say i love you??"  See how easy the ideas seep into the young heads? Looking back, even now, i don't understand the logic or message behind that scene. Heh.

My point is, this is just one of the millions of ideas of love that were put into our heads. Love is this. Love is that. Love makes you do crazy things. Love is a mental disease. The list goes on. You can get all sorts of definitions online. Look it up yourself, or better yet, don't look it up!

We are too busy confusing ourselves with all the love quotes out there, that we forget the real idea of love is when you are able to love for the sake of Allah. Yes it is a cliche thing to say, but it's one of the hardest thing one can ever do in this short life. To love for the sake of Allah; understanding what it means alone is hard enough, differentiating which love is which is another difficult step, and truly loving someone for the sake of Allah is the most crucial and hardest step of all. And sadly enough, we all fall into another trap of this Dunya, when we thought that loving for the sake of Allah is when we exchange words like ana or akhi or ukhti or the occasional lillahi Taala in our daily text messages to that person we like, perhaps even smiling giddily at our phones. 

But syaitonirrojim a.k.a mr Devil's traps doesn't end here. The test to see if our love is for the sake of Allah goes beyond that. It doesn't stop when we put on the engagement ring, it doesn't stop on the day of our ijab qabul, it doesn't stop when we have 5 grown-up kids, but it goes on till the day we die. Because despite love itself being a gift from Allah, Allah wants this Love to be for Him first, and only then the rest can follow. So the question is, how do we know if we are actually loving someone for the sake of Allah? And I found this best answer from a talk; 

it is when something or someone that we love, is taken away from us. 

That's when we know where our love stand. 

Whether we actually love our Creator, or His creations.

But unfortunately, this is what happens most; we see people ended up so messed up when they are not able to get who they want, or ended up so miserable and not being able to let go when things are not going their way. The breakups, the engagements being called off, the dramas when the mother opposes of your relationship, the fights you have, being upset of one another etc. All those time when they were together they'd say things like "i love him/her, lillahi taala" and the next moment when things don't work out, they became so depressed as if it's the end of the world, and Allah seems to be the last thing in their minds. Astaghfirullah wa naudzubillah.

But of course, we wouldn't truly know the feelings involved for those who are tested with these kinds of emotional turmoils. And saying things out (or rather, typing) is always easier than actually going through it ourselves. But still, I guess this is why we are tested with love, to remind ourselves that we have not been playing our part of the bargain yet. 

We say that we love Allah and we want to enter His Jannah, but Allah knows that we are not quite sincere enough with what we are saying, and thus Allah test us with feelings and emotions, to  humble us down, so much so to the point that we are able to let go of whatever that Allah takes back from us with ease. At that moment, we are no longer loving his Creations, but we are loving the Creator. And perhaps only then, we are worthy enough to be one of Allah's ahlul-Jannah. And isn't that the biggest gift of all?

*********

So there is still a looooong way to go for me. But it doesn't hurt to prepare myself (and all the readers) beforehand with the reminders of all the tests that come with Love; that it's not all lovey-dovey with rose petals falling while we walk into this path.

And to remind us, that what matters most is not who we love or who love us back, 

but if the love is built with Allah, and for Allah s.w.t. 

So to all dearest friends who are about to embark on that new journey, i am sending my prayers to all of you, may Allah guide your Love to Him through and through. InsyaAllah.

And a side note to myself:
*slap in the face*

Please come back to your senses, yan.

Your time is just not here yet.

Huhuhu *nanges bawah bantal*

*kofkof* back to being Macho. :)

kad dari jauh. see how special my name is? (Larleem = Darling)

Ps: Barakallahulakuma to my sweetest friend, Fatin Wahab who will be leaving me all alone in the scary world of single-hood on the 13th of October. I hope the readers can pray for her and future hubby too. May Allah bless their marriage till Jannah insyaAllah. 

وَالَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

Dan orang orang yang berkata: 

"Ya Tuhan kami, anugerahkanlah kepada kami isteri-isteri kami dan keturunan kami sebagai penyenang hati (kami), 

dan jadikanlah kami imam bagi orang-orang yang bertakwa."

[25:74]

beautiful doa, as always.

Aamiin ya Rabb.

24

alhamdulillah.

no fancy celebration this year.

a few phone-calls in the morning.
thanking Mama and apologizing to her for the pain of giving birth to me,
and for putting up with her daughter for the next 24 years. i love you.
she dreamt of me the night before by the way. hehe~
next is Abah. who's back to counting days that i'll be home again.
heh. no surprise there. i love you. :)
Alhamdulillah.

******
occasionally reading texts and tags and posts;
beautiful wishes and prayers,
and some cheeky jokes too.
they never fail to make me feel all bubbly inside.
Alhamdulillah.

*****
later during the day;

i had a quite lunch-break+little cake with my partners-in-crime,

ika + pika + akem

and then we all head back to our books in the library.

we might just end up doing this for the rest of our final year,

being studious and nerdy in the library at weekends. :)

only a few strides left before we would become Doctors, insyaAllah. 

the thought scares us as much as it excites us.

ya Allah,

ease our path.

ease our path.

ease our path.

in whatever that we do,

and don't let us go astray. 

Aamiin.

ps: i have a bucket-load of wishes for my 24th year, truthfully. 

some are very special ones too. *huhuuuu~~*

but i leave it to Him to decide what's best. 

i can only ask and do my best. insyaAllah. 

oh, and i have an exam tomorrow. 

send me some prayers?

jazakumullahukhair.

may Allah showers us all with His blessings and mercy.
and to make us all His thankful Hamba;
who will never forget His Nikmat,
in times of happiness and sadness.
insyaAllah wa Aamiin~

perhaps my last birthday in Dublin? insyaAllah.

living up to the status: final Med.

and Alhamdulillah for having them 'anak-anak Zainol' every step of the way.
3 musketeers + 1 Zorro taking the pic. :)

thank You, ya Rabb.

Semoga Allah Redha.

:')

Lonesome Rides

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

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I would often see myself as one of those lonely ones. Having being left here with a very small group of people, to walk about Dublin (and anywhere in Ireland), doing Medicine. There's only a few of us left (malaysians, that is) to venture into the clinical years, which usually lead us to random hospitals and places. all requiring us to travel alone; in the dark hours of the morning, making our way through the drenching almost-winter rain, all by ourselves. sobs.

It's kind of sad at times. Believe me, I have never been one to be doing things alone back home, before I came to Dublin. Bus rides around town? Nah, Abah won't even let me. He even made Kakak or Abe fetch me from the airport and drop me off to KMB (hehe. i love you guys for that). So, i grew up with this idea in my head that i am one of those dependent type. But alhamdulillah, the things i have to do now have somewhat changed me. Still dependent in some ways (ie tak cukup kasih sayang hehe) but pretty much awesome with everything else. *kofkof* Well, we all just have to be, don't we? :)

So this brings me back to my lonely bus rides. As of late, i have to travel for more than an hour everyday to go to the recent hospital that i am attached to. If i am unlucky enough and missed my buses, it'll drag on for another half an hour. 

I am one of the girls who you'd always see earphone lines coming out of their hijab, listening to whatever music that i am into, almost always lost in thoughts. But a few weeks back i decided to do things a little differently. Vowing to myself to not have any note of music on for all the rides, and even back home. So the choices left are ayatul Quran and talks.

I had a few converted-to-mp3 talks on my ipod, so i decided to download some more. Ones from a new speaker i am currently fond of (thanks to Abah and Lin for introducing him) - Bilal Assad. Which lead me to this awesome whirlwind of a ride. Cause listening to these talks, they can be funny or heart-moving or very serious at times. So at one time i think i might have looked so freakishly serious with all the creases on the forehead; and at one time i'd be smiling ever so broadly on my own, and another time it would be an "onion-burning-my-eyes" moments. Now these all looked worse when you are actually trying to stifle all the reactions. Covering my mouth while i am grinning, and looking up every so often to keep the tears in. pretty much the description of a 'weirdo in the bus'.

Alhamdulillah, i enjoyed it thoroughly. It's definitely a new experience for me, as i have never done this wholeheartedly before. The talks that I listened to? Well, in truth sometimes they are discussing things that we all already knew of, occasionally there are new things in them too. The things that moved me, are perhaps the things that have moved me before. Listening back to stories of Prophet Muhammad S.A.W, or the importance of Ramadhan, or the debate between Allah and Iblis upon creating Adam A.S; they are not things that we don't already know of. But somehow, they have touched the heart again, perhaps in the same spot, or perhaps even differently. So it goes to show how important it is for us to keep the reminders coming back to us again and again, even if it is for the hundredth time. 

Perhaps we wondered why those kids would always have their weekly seating (bulatan gumbira, usrah, halaqah)? What drives them to attend these boring meetings or talks? But I think we all knew the answer to that already, right? 

it's just because they are the food for our souls.

because for the constant sins that we commit everyday, little ones and big ones, with or without us realizing it; they should all be washed away with constant reminders of Allah, in remembrance of Allah.

Ibn Mas’ud said:

"…The slave continues to lie and a black spot grows in his heart until all his heart becomes black. Then he is written, in Allah's sight, among the liars." 

(Al-Albani)

So in the end I came to a realization that these lonely bus rides have always been a blessing in disguise. It took me a while to make me turn them into one, though (hampeh punya pasal). And there is nothing more I can say other than, Alhamdulillah; all praises go back to Allah. thank You for giving me the chance.

so here's to hoping you'll have your own takes of lonely awesome rides too peeps! 

and just another verse of the day to push us a lil' bit.

أَفَلَمۡ يَسِيرُواْ فِى ٱلۡأَرۡضِ فَتَكُونَ لَهُمۡ قُلُوبٌ۬ يَعۡقِلُونَ بِہَآ أَوۡ ءَاذَانٌ۬ يَسۡمَعُونَ بِہَا‌ۖ فَإِنَّہَا لَا تَعۡمَى ٱلۡأَبۡصَـٰرُ وَلَـٰكِن تَعۡمَى ٱلۡقُلُوبُ ٱلَّتِى فِى ٱلصُّدُورِ

"maka apakah mereka tidak berjalan di muka bumi, lalu mereka mempunyai hati yang dengan itu mereka dapat memahami atau mempunyai telinga yang dengan itu mereka dapat mendengar? Karena sesungguhnya bukanlah mata itu yang buta, tetapi yang buta, ialah hati yang di dalam dada."

[22:46]

Salam Jumaah.

Don't forget to recite Kahfi.

Life's Tsunamis

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

"Kalau tak yakin Allah ada nak ajar something, 

Aku tak rasa aku mampu face benda (ujian) ni."

[if i don't have faith that Allah has bigger plans for me,

I don't think I can even face this (test)]

A dear friend of mine said this to me, once.

**********

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We were attached to the Neurology team a few weeks back, Paediatrics Neurology that is. All in all, it was a totally awesome rotation I must say, seeing all the amazing weird things in the wards. But like always, the awesomeness in our part contradicts with whatever the patients and the families are facing. Cause when we are enjoying the mysteries behind the illnesses, they are the ones who have to face it all, living day in and day out with these mysterious and complicated illnesses. 

And what is more heart-wrenching is that diagnosing a child or little babies with diseases also meant that they will have a whole future of uncertainties in front of them. Albeit not having any myself just yet, but I know enough that the lives of our children are the ones that meant so much more than ours. When we would literally risk our life for the sake of our children. (Of course, we're putting aside all the mental ones out there who hit or even kill their children for God-knows-why.)

We had our last wardround that week; and started off at the imaging department. And the radiologist was describing a brain scan of a little baby, few months old. Basically he had subtle changes here and there, which also meant that he would have problems in each area of the brain that is affected; movements, sensations, cognition, memories; none will be spared. Finally we had our rounds and reached a bed with a very plump, cute, doll-like baby boy. And the consultant started explaining whatever that we have discussed earlier on, bits by bits. And i was watching the mother and how she was holding the baby the whole time. (Yes, i must say that this is one of those bad communication skills; breaking a bad news via ward rounds huhu)

The consultant went to explain the details of the whole brain scan, to try to make the mother understand that basically the brain is underdeveloped. The mom was holding the baby so tightly as he was sleeping in her arms, stroking his arms, clutching him tighter as the reality of the whole thing starts to sink in. We understood whatever the consultant was explaining to her, as she did simplified the whole thing as much as she could, but all the mother can ask at the end of it all was;

"So what would happen to him? Can you fix this?"

And the tears flow.

The rest of the team backed out and left the consultant alone to consult her with another doctor. I stood back with my teammates. So here is the reality. The interesting scan we found in the room back then meant  a whole different story for the one owning it. Their plans for the son's future destroyed in an instance. And they don't even know where to start. Allahu Allah. 

And these kinds of things pricked my conscience the most. Having to see people face this huge, huge test; but yet not being able to have faith in Allah the All-mighty. Not being able to say that; 

"it's okay, Allah is watching over us."

"It's okay, Allah has a bigger plan."

"It's okay, Allah will guide us."

It always amazes me; how can these people with no faith are able to face all these ordeals, way better than us (the Muslims)? It's rather apparent isn't it, when Muslims don't even have patience when they are queuing in lines at the airport, let alone in facing these kinds of tests. We'd see Muslims shrieking and shouting with agonies when something bad happened to them (exceptions to the whole killings in egypt etc) and yet we see the Japanese, who mostly don't have much faith in religion, calmly saying "it will be alright" despite having everything they have, washed away in the tsunami few years back (watch their documentary, you'd be amazed by their portrayal of sabr.)

*********

So i guess to be able to have that faith, that Allah is there for us, with any tests that He gave us, is definitely something we should be thankful for. But this only applies to those who believe. Only His believers will be calm enough to face whatever 'tsunami' that's coming our way, big or small. Only His believers would be able to feel that sense of tranquility deep down; despite the pain and the emotions and the stress that comes with it. Mind you, we are only mere humans. We'd cry, we'd be depressed; but believers would always have that strength in the end, knowing that Allah is there to guide us through it all.

The bigger the test, the stronger we need to believe that Allah knows better.

And that makes all the difference. So peeps, be strong! 

Allah is there. InsyaAllah.

******

وَلَقَدۡ خَلَقۡنَا ٱلۡإِنسَـٰنَ وَنَعۡلَمُ مَا تُوَسۡوِسُ بِهِۦ نَفۡسُهُ ۥ‌ۖ وَنَحۡنُ أَقۡرَبُ إِلَيۡهِ مِنۡ حَبۡلِ ٱلۡوَرِيدِ

"Dan sesungguhnya Kami telah menciptakan manusia dan mengetahui apa yang dibisikkan oleh hatinya, dan Kami lebih dekat kepadanya daripada urat lehernya"

[50:16]

In Memories Of

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

I first saw her name from the famous wedding pictures that she took. A few random friends and strangers sent me that picture through my facebook. I remembered reading her uptake about the wedding; listing things from the simple make up to the simple hantaran. I remembered thinking; "ah, female photographer is a good idea."

 ****

This particular female photographer passed away on 16th of August 2013 at the mere age of 26. I knew about it from the newspaper, during the summer holidays back home. I am not her friend, nor am i related to her in any way. but up to this day, there was always something about her death that bugs me; that i can't even stop thinking of her up until today. Not that i miss her or anything, but the thoughts of her came to me more often than i wished for.

Because her sudden death, which i believe is a huge loss for those around her; has given us (or at least me) a lot to ponder on. I looked her up in the internet, the day after her death, and found that the last thing she did in her facebook was promoting this pictorial project, aiming to teach others the meaning of what we recite in our prayers. 

Perhaps if she was still living and breathing, we might have look at her project with an eye closed.

Perhaps if she was still living and breathing, we might have said "well it's a no biggie project, really."

Perhaps if she was still living and breathing, we might have been more awed with her wedding pictorials rather than the 'makna bacaan solat' pictorials.

But in the end, perhaps Allah wanted to teach us something through her, that any little reminder of Allah is nothing too little. Cause if we were to die, any deeds; no matter how insignificant or small they are, those deeds that we often take for granted are usually the ones that we wish we'd do more of.

"....hingga apabila datang kematian kepada seseorang dari mereka, dia berkata: “Ya Tuhanku kembalikanlah aku (ke dunia), agar aku berbuat amal yang saleh terhadap yang telah aku tinggalkan..."

[23:99-100]

******

Her last facebook cover photo was about 'bacaan solat'.

Her last project was about 'bacaan solat'.

Her last post was about 'bacaan solat'.

All to remind us of Allah s.w.t.

Astaghfirullah.

I wonder what our last act would be?

May Allah grant us a beautiful end.

********

Al-Fatihah to arwah Nadia Zahari.

May your last act remain as a constant reminder to me and everyone;

that no matter how simple it seems,

reminders of Allah are still reminders.

(do click on her name to go to her JomSolah project)

Wallahua'lam.

mind rant #19: Strength

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

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it's been a while folks. though i do have something in mind to write about, i just thought of a more laid-back and very short entry tonight since it's already waaay past my bedtime (finishing some study-related work, being the geek i am).

anyway, last week i went to meet up with some friends for a housewarming party. meeting those familiar faces is definitely something i miss. there's really only a bunch of us left for our final year as a medical student, insyaAllah. in Dublin alone, we have three main universities; RCSI, UCD and TCD. there's about 10++ Malaysians for UCD and TCD and perhaps a bit more for those in RCSI (lucky them). but the chances of us meeting one another ever since our clinical year started is very limited, cause all of us are thrown away to different rotations and different places. Truthfully it's even hard to meet up with those who are in the same universities!

so the occasional gatherings are something that we try not to miss, really; otherwise we'd live a very lonely life here in Dublin. of course, there are those gatherings for Malaysian students in general by all those student organizations, but that's only occasionally and we'd always ended up lost in the huge crowds of juniors in their pre-clinical years (lots of those who are in a twinning programme), them not knowing us, and vice versa. Don't get me wrong, we all tried our best to get to know one another. :P

anyhow, back to the housewarming party, i felt a very different feeling seeing those familiar faces, Alhamdulillah. somehow everybody knows the struggles that each of us are having; the lonesome travels to random rotations, the crazy exams, the maze-like hospitals, the creepy Consultants. and it's cute enough that when we do meet up with one another, we'd be giving out tips; offering notes, borrowing books, giving directions to which bus to take etc.

and one word came to mind: 

Strength.

somehow we have become the strength to one another. pushing each other to all be doctors by the end of this very difficult journey. and my prayers is that we'd all ended up not just being good doctors, but awesome Muslim/Muslimah too. Aamiin ya Rabb.

so here's a little peek of us:

UCDs: 4th and final Meds together. some are missing though.

funny witty ladies. i love them to bits!
(RCSI, UCD, TCD)

random: this was last week's peripheral rotation in Kampung Wexford.
insyaAllah, perhaps my last peripheral rotation in Ireland (sobs)
ps: notice the very unhealthy diet for a medical student :)

now i cant leave the two anak-anak Zainols, can i?
i'm a lucky gal to have them with me every step of the way. :)

gah~ now that i'm looking at these pictures, i really can't believe that it's been 4 years since we set foot in Ireland *teary-eyed*. we have so much to be thankful for, Alhamdulillah. pray for me and friends here pretty please? That Allah will guide us all the way in our final stride. Aamiin wa InsyaAllah. :)

at times like this, it's best to remind ourselves with one of the best reminders of all right?
[one of my fave verses too of course]

فَبِأَىِّ ءَالَآءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ

"Maka ni’mat Tuhan kamu yang manakah yang kamu dustakan?"

[Ar-Rahman]

and of course, say Alhamdulillah;

just because we can. :)

assalamualaikum.

the Sad Ones

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Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang beriman itu hanyalah orang-orang yang percaya (beriman) kepada Allah dan Rasul-Nya, kemudian mereka tidak ragu-ragu dan mereka berjuang (berjihad) dengan harta dan jiwa mereka pada jalan Allah. mereka Itulah orang-orang yang benar. 

[49:15]

*********

when we read the news of all the chaotic things that are happening around the world, brothers and sisters in Syria, in Palestine, and in Egypt; the real jihad that's taking place; we'd always ended up having this surreal feeling. we'd be brought back to the ironies of the lives that we're having. most of us are still in the hari raya mood, some are having their wedding bliss in the Syawal month, some are still fighting with useless words on small stupid sentiments; and yet we're seeing bombs and shootings in the news; bodies and blood splattered everywhere.

but no matter how trashy we feel while reading all those news, no matter how much we realize the ironies that they are there living for the al-Haq, and we are here living amongst the Batil, we still have to carry on living these ironic lives. 

we still eat our cereal breakfast.

we still go to our workplace in the morning.

we still study for the upcoming exams we'll have.

we still sit, laugh, and make those jokes with our friends.

it's surreal. it feels wrong. 

but it's the life that Allah has chosen for them, as well as for us. 

it takes a while even for me to grasp this conclusion, that living our own lives 'normally' is not wrong, while our brothers and sisters are there with their jihad. it's not wrong to live this 'normal' life, if our thoughts and prayers and actions are with them along the way. but our lives will be surreal and it will be wrong; if we keep doing the sins we do, if we keep feigning ignorance for everything that's taking place; and not just those turmoils, but the ignorance of keeping ad-Deen in our lives, among our families, friends and the society.

but then again, come to think of it, even if our thoughts or prayers or actions are not with them, they have nothing to lose. because they have Allah with them, watching over them. and how can they not, when they spent their nights and days with zikr to Allah, when they step out of their house every single day with Syahid in their minds?

they cried among the dead but they're not the sad ones.

it's us. we're the sad ones;

who watches from afar, with just a 'normal' life to live.

Are we spending our day and night with zikr to Allah?

Do we step out of our house everyday expecting Death to invite us?

Are we offering our harta dan jiwa?

astaghfirullah. for all our sins.

astaghfirullah. for being forgetful.

astaghfirullah. kita memang menzalimi diri sendiri. 

teguran untuk diri. first and foremost. :(

may Allah Forgives.

أَحَسِبَ ٱلنَّاسُ أَن يُتۡرَكُوٓاْ أَن يَقُولُوٓاْ ءَامَنَّا وَهُمۡ لَا يُفۡتَنُونَ

وَلَقَدۡ فَتَنَّا ٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبۡلِهِمۡ‌ۖ فَلَيَعۡلَمَنَّ ٱللَّهُ ٱلَّذِينَ صَدَقُواْ وَلَيَعۡلَمَنَّ ٱلۡكَـٰذِبِينَ 

Apakah manusia dibiarkan begitu saja mengatakan “kami telah beriman” sedang mereka tidak diuji lagi ? Dan sesungguhnya kami telah menguji orang-orang sebelum mereka, maka sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui orang-orang yang benar dan orang orang yang berdusta [dalam pengakuan imannya itu] 

[29:2-3]