That Endless Fight

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يَـٰٓأَيُّہَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوٓاْ إِنَّمَا ٱلۡخَمۡرُ وَٱلۡمَيۡسِرُ وَٱلۡأَنصَابُ وَٱلۡأَزۡلَـٰمُ رِجۡسٌ۬ مِّنۡ

 عَمَلِ ٱلشَّيۡطَـٰنِ فَٱجۡتَنِبُوهُ لَعَلَّكُمۡ تُفۡلِحُونَ

Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! Bahawa sesungguhnya arak dan judi dan pemujaan berhala dan mengundi nasib dengan batang-batang anak panah, adalah (semuanya) kotor (keji) dari perbuatan Syaitan. Oleh itu hendaklah kamu menjauhinya supaya kamu berjaya.
[5:90]

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have you ever heard of the story behind this ayat? how the Believers react upon turunnya ayat ni. correct me if i am wrong, but from what i can remember, mereka baling semua barrels filled with alcohols. those who were actually having drinks kat kedai-kedai arak, tengah halfway minum, gelas kat mulut tu, tinggal seteguk je lagi dalam mulut, tunggu nak telan je. you know what they did? they cough it out upon hearing that "Arak Haram! Arak Haram." (imaginasi saya) they never stop and think. "erk. alang-alang nak masuk tekak dah ni, telan je la." nope. a sister told me that it signifies their level of iman. golongan sami'na wa ato'na; which means Kami Dengar, Kami Taat. those people are ones who are promised His Jannah.

read more about pengharaman arak, here.

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how hampeh is our level of iman, really? when everyday, there's so  much knowledge that we have gained, about what is right and what is wrong. about what is halal, what is haram. about what is makruh, what is sunat, and what is syubhah. we read about them, listen to talks about them, watch Youtube videos about them. and then, we say to ourselves; "yes, i believe."

so we did our best, to not do it, avoiding them anywhere and anytime we can. and most of the time, we say to ourselves, "o'yeah. i am a Believer." but guess what? Allah's Jannah are not for those who say they believe. it is for those who really Believes. so He wants to see a real Believer. 

and so come the real situations; where we have to prove to Him, that we believe in Him, and we will stand by His Rules; not just when we are alone, but when we are in front of others. and here, our actions signifies how much we believe in those Kalamullah; how much we believe in those hadiths that we have learnt. 

yet, this is what happens. most of the time;

"will people think weirdly of me?"

"terase hati ke eh?"

"nanti sure tak boleh lepak sama-sama lagi."

"nanti kecik hati ke?"

"nanti hilang kawan ke?"

"nanti nampak bajet baik sangat ke?"

"tapi aku pun banyak lagi benda lain yang aku buat salah."

"nanti gaduh kan tak pasal-pasal pulak."

"aku nak berubah, tapi sorang-sorang susah."

often it left me wondering, where do we stand in front of His Eyes? have we failed miserably? because instead of fighting for it, we are having doubts. why is it so many things and questions and assumptions are holding us back, from telling others what is right. we know deep down that it's just not right. that it's Haram, or makruh, or syubhah, or plain pointless. but why can't we say it? why can't we be proud of it while saying it? sedangkan deep down we know and believe in our hearts, that His Rules should always comes first.

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tired really. of having the small endless fight inside. knowing what is right, believing in it, and yet not having the guts to put them into clear words and actions. when my mouth is most often kept shut, and my actions are mostly subtle ones. because when i did open my mouth, i am misinterpreted; and more often than not, my words are just insignificant to others.

i hate that small fight inside. it eats me up most of the time. because i'm made aware of how weak i am. it's an endless fight that we have daily i guess. but come to think of it, rather than enjoying life and 'going with the flow', i'd rather have this endless fight inside. at least if we die, we died fighting. kan? it's the only thing that kept me going lately; and the fact that He's Watching over.

semoga niat kita semua dibetulkan. ameen.

 أَحَسِبَ ٱلنَّاسُ أَن يُتۡرَكُوٓاْ أَن يَقُولُوٓاْ ءَامَنَّا وَهُمۡ لَا يُفۡتَنُونَ

 وَلَقَدۡ فَتَنَّا ٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبۡلِهِمۡ‌ۖ فَلَيَعۡلَمَنَّ ٱللَّهُ ٱلَّذِينَ صَدَقُواْ وَلَيَعۡلَمَنَّ ٱلۡكَـٰذِبِينَ

"Patutkah manusia menyangka bahawa mereka akan dibiarkan dengan hanya berkata: Kami beriman, sedang mereka tidak diuji (dengan sesuatu cubaan)? Dan demi sesungguhnya! Kami telah menguji orang-orang yang terdahulu daripada mereka, maka (dengan ujian yang demikian), nyata apa yang diketahui Allah tentang orang-orang yang sebenar-benarnya beriman dan nyata pula apa yang diketahuiNya tentang orang-orang yang berdusta.

[29:3]

yours truly,

fight harder please. =,=''