seriously

at times i wish i can say that every actions i take, every word i spoke of, every word i wrote, every thing i do, is with ikhlas. sadly, i cant.

as much as i wish my niat is right, that im doing things for Allah; not for others to recognize me, not for others to praise me, not for others to notice me; i am again reminded of the hadith i read from Ustaz Zaharuddin's web:

Maksudnya (ringkasan terjemahan) :

Antara yang terawal diadili di hari qiyamat kelak adalah mereka yang mati syahid. Kemudian ditanya kepada mereka : Apakah yang kamu telah perbuat (amalan di dunia dahulu)?

Jawabnya : Aku telah berjuang untukMu (wahai Allah) sehingga mati syahid

Dibalas : Kamu berbohong, tetapi kamu berjuang untuk digelar "SANG BERANI"

maka dikatakan, telah ditarik semula amalannya dan dicampakkan ke mukanya dan dilontarkan dia ke dalam neraka.

Ditanyakan kepada (orang kedua) : Apakah yang kamu telah perbuat (amalan di dunia dahulu)?

Jawabnya : "Aku mempelajari ilmu, mengajarkannya dan membacakan keranaMu Al-Quran"

Dijawab semula : Kamu berbohong, kamu mempelajari ilmu agar kamu boleh digelar ‘ALIM, kamu membaca Al-Quran agar digelar "QARI"

maka dikatakan, telah ditarik semula amalannya dan dicampakkan ke mukanya dan dilontarkan dia ke dalam neraka.

Ditanyakan kepada (orang ketiga) : Apakah yang kamu telah perbuat (amalan di dunia dahulu)?

Jawabnya : "Tidak aku sesuatu yang engkau sukai untukku dermakannya kecuali telah aku dermakannya keranaMu"

Dijawab semula : "Kamu berbohong kamu mendermakannya agar kamu digelar "DERWAMAN"

maka dikatakan kepada Malaikat, lalu telah ditarik semula amalannya dan dicampakkan ke mukanya dan dilontarkan dia ke dalam neraka (

(Riwayat Muslim, no 3527, Kitab al-Imarah)

so here i am, contemplating whether i'm really doing things for Him? at the same time worrying whether im doing things the right way or not. as the common saying goes, "niat tak menghalalkan cara".

truth is, im scared for myself. im worried of my place in the Hereafter. it's always one or the other. astaghfirullah. but no matter how scared i am of my own niat, of my own sincerity in the things that im doing, it still doesnt give me the right to stop doing everything, and stay in my room quietly and cater for myself. when it doesnt involve others out there, of course i dont have to worry about being sincere or not, kan? it's only me and Him. but truth is, that's not the way Allah wants us to live, kan? 

ikhlas comes after istiqamah. there is no such thing as, ill do this and that, once im ikhlas. cuz it's a very vague area. can one really say, "ye. saya ikhlas!"? i know i cant. and i know only He Knows. that's why it's something very hard to attain. because only He Knows. only He can Judge our sincerity. so keep on doing the things that Islam had taught us, that Rasulullah had taught us, that the Quran had taught us. Keep on doing all of them, and ask of Him, to Put ikhlas in our hearts instead. because sometimes, thinking of ikhlas as a gift from Him, and not something that i myself can make/attain, takes a looot of weight off. 

wallahua'lam. this is just my opinion. and again, it's just me retrospecting in public. semoga Allah kurniakan ikhlas dalam hati kita semua. Ameen ameen ya Rabb. :')