As i'm dusting off this little old blog, i realized that it's been roughly 2 months since i came back home for good to Malaysia. And truth be told, i haven't been sitting at home leading the sedentary lifestyle that i thought i would. I have been going back and forth to the airport close to a dozen times now. Other than the 10-day-trip to Utagha to visit my friends, everything else was unplanned. I just got home yesterday, but i was already booking the next flight to Kuala Lumpur. By now i feel almost exhausted, often only having less than a week at home before i head off to KL again. Nevertheless, on the bright side, abah and mama usually always ended up joining me. And we all get to spend time together, watching the 3 munchkins a.k.a Boolats getting bigger by the day.
So this little background story is the reason to why i haven't had the time to actually sit down and write anything properly. But it's also the reason to the abundance of stories and reflections that are safely stored in my tiny brain at the moment. Contrary to how i was back in Dublin, where the people that i would talk to would mostly be in a hospital setting, my recent travels have led me to meet so many different people in different environments. From extended families, to old and new friends, to random cashiers and even an Indonesian stranger on the train.
I find myself trying to blend in, into the different groups that i am with at any given time. The topics that we talk about, our body language, our choices of words, our facial expressions, the jokes that we make; they all changed accordingly to the ones in front of us. Not because we're insecure with ourselves, but sometimes out of respect to the people we meet. And it's just common sense, that we'd start off a chat with someone by finding a common ground with them; be it the weather (albeit it being the most boring topic of all), the mutual friend that we have etc. But interestingly enough, on rare occasions, i met those who did otherwise.
They talk only about what they wanted to, mainly anything that revolves around them: their work, their ideas, their lifestyle and whatever awesome things that they have in their possession. Sometimes they even use big bombastic words in simple conversations, not even waiting for any signs of comprehension from the other party. And this, sadly enough, leads to this feeling of awkwardness, or that feeling of a huge invisible wall in between, or worse, when we -the listeners- find ourselves attempting to leave in the middle of the conversation, literally or not.
The social cues were there, when somehow the person you're talking to have nothing to say in response to what you're saying. Not because they don't want to, but because they just couldn't. Some may say; "oh come on.. Some people are just not that good at talking." But the thing is, i think we all can agree that there's a huge difference between those who can't talk, and those who can. Being on a less husnudzon pace, i tried to understand the reason why some people just chose to create this awkwardness in conversations, and i came to one conclusion:
When we talk to impress, rather then to converse.
Because conversing is always a two-way communication, whilst impressing is a one-way yak. We want to look good, we want to feel good, we want to let everyone knows what we did good. Hence, we ended up talking about nothing but everything that revolves around us.
It's a rather sad personality for anyone to have, naudzubillah. Hence, let's pray to Allah to be protected from this sifat mazmumah. I don't even know why, but i have met too much of these people lately that it seems a given that i should remind myself of this small little mistake that we might have made in our daily lives, with or without realising it.
And maybe, just maybe,
blending in isn't such a bad thing after all.
Be cautious with our words.
Be cautious with our acts.
For Allah is the Ever-Watchful.
Astaghfirullah. Wa atuubuilaih.
لَا تَفْرَحْ إِنَّ اللَّهَ لَا يُحِبُّ الْفَرِحِينَ
"Janganlah kamu terlalu bangga;
sesungguhnya Allah tidak menyukai orang-orang yang terlalu membanggakan diri".