Too Much

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ


sometimes we want something so much, that we don't think much of anything else.
we disregard all the 'what if's'.

what if it won't be mine?
what if it gets stolen?
what if i lose it?

and then it happened.
when we really can't have it.
what happens next?


i'm seeing so much of these around me;
that i think i've been really cautious not to fall into the same trap.
because every time i hear the whines they make just because they don't get something that they want,
it makes me feel so tired inside.

and don't we all feel the same?
and yet, don't we all do the same?

why do we humans like to agonize over something that we don't have?
day-dreaming of things so far ahead of us, sometimes even beyond our reach?
wanting things too much, that we burden ourselves, inflicting unnecessary pain on oneself just to have them.

Wordly things.
they consist of many; and it's not just those bags, the jobs, the cars, and the house.
Love is also one of them; Love which doesn't make you any closer to Allah.


we all have a problem, really.
we want the things that we don't have, too much.
and we forget the things that we already have, too fast.

as always, reminder to self, first and foremost.
jom tadah tangan:

Ya Rabb,
berikanlah kami ilham untuk tetap mensyukuri nikmat-Mu 
yang Engkau anugerahkan kepada kami.


“Jika kamu menghitung-menghitung nikmat Allah, 
nescaya kamu tidak akan dapat menentukan jumlahnya (menghitungnya). 
Sesungguhnya Allah benar-benar Maha Pengampun Lagi Maha Penyayang.”


#Gaza: Dare to Stare

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ


we had our final exams today. 2 papers. surgery and medicine part I. sometimes i wondered at how we are questioned about the accumulated knowledge of 12 weeks in just a piece of paper? not to say that i have a lot of knowledge to offer; but sometimes i wish knowledge (ilmu) can be gained according to our own pace. when we learn because we want to learn. when we read because we want to know. when we practice because we want to perfect a skill.  and not because of exams, scholarship or any other pressure. 

~sigh~ finding myself lost time and time again. praying He Guides.

anyways; i came back home and the newsfeed in facebook were filled with so many updates already on Gaza. Allahu Allah. Jannah is being filled yet again with more martyrs.



everyone will have that prick of jealousy inside whenever we see them, kan?  the fact that they are the chosen ones picked by Allah s.w.t, to die in His Path. ones who died protecting a very holy land. ones who'd wake up everyday to die a martyr. 

sometimes i wondered, if we were in their place, would our aims be as noble as them? would we aim for "syahid" as much as they were? or would it be like how we are now, praying for syahid in the daily Mathurat du'a that we recite. never really feeling in depth, of how noble this ending of life is. never really truly wanting it, despite the recitations being at the tip of our tongues again and again, every. single. day. =,=''

and in my humble opinion, Allah Grant them syahid because everyday they would wake up and do something that we all find ourselves not able to do so: to stare at Death straight in the eye. because the threat of Death, looms everywhere in Gaza;

when they take a step out of their home,
when they are walking down the street for a slice of bread for the family,
when they are heading for the mosque to pray Subuh, Zuhur, Asar, Maghrib and Isyak,
heck, they can die even if they are in their house, what with the bombings from those damned Zionists.

so remind ourselves again, of who they are and what they do that Allah Grant them those places in Jannah. 
them; who Dare to Stare.

and us. how can we dare to stare at Death, 
when we are looking at Dunia with those googly eyes still?

Allahu Allah.
we have to pick up the courage to stare at Death in the eyes,
but i guess it starts with turning our eyes away from Dunia first shall we?
because inevitably Dunia is just a place we pass through, 
and the final stop is always Jannah.
we just need to remind ourselves to keep our head straight.
InsyaAllah wa Aamiin. 

ps: even if we are scared of Death,
the fact of the matter is, Death is staring at us at every blink of the eye.

as always, reminder to self first and foremost.


“Sentiasa akan ada sekelompok dari umatku 
yang sentiasa berjuang bersama-sama kebenaran, 
mencabar dan menentang musuh-musuh mereka. 
Musuh-musuh mereka tidak dapat memberi mudarat kepada mereka 
sehingga Allah mendatangkan keputusannya.
Mereka tetap dalam keadaan demikian.” 
Maka para sahabat bertanya,”Dimanakah mereka?”
Jawab Rasulullah.” Di Baitul Maqdis dan sekitarnya”

[Riwayat Bukhari]


Dear Pillow

i think i was 6 years old at that time. it was in the evening when Abah came by and asked me to "pijak belakang Abah." i was dutifully doing it when i saw kakak and abe heading out to play with the other kids outside. i don't play around the kampung much, because i was a timid little girl. but before kakak and abe head for boarding schools, i would follow them when they played around the neighbourhood. 

so i was psyched when they went out, and carefully i asked Abah; "yan nak tubik main boleh?" (can i go out and play?); abah who was oblivious to all this, said no. cause i've only started the 'pijak belakang' session. i remembered how i was so frustrated, and sad, and angry at Abah. it felt unfair. T,T 

but instead of stomping on abah's back (that would have been evil and funny), i continued stepping on his back up and down, all the while crying silently. i was so angry at Abah, but i know that i can't be angry at my dad, and tears were all that came out. but finally Abah realized what happened, and wiped my tears and let me off to play. :)

as the years went by, this habit of mine remains. when someone is being harsh at me,  i'd cry. when i'm frustrated at something i'd cry. when i hate something i'd cry. when i'm angry at someone i would definitely cry. most of my emotions are expressed with tears. it's a weird disorder really. 

and at 23, a wider range of emotions are felt, and most of them would still end with tears. =,='' same old, same old. nothing's change much, except that i don't have Abah or Mama near me as always to wipe them tears off. *sobs*

growing up is hard.

dear Pillow,
sorry for all the tears. 


to future yan;
toughen up a bit will you? :')

وَأَنَّهُ هُوَ أَضْحَكَ وَأَبْكَىٰ

Dan bahawa sesungguhnya, Dia lah yang menyebabkan 
(seseorang itu bergembira) tertawa, dan menyebabkan 
(seseorang itu berdukacita) menangis

*Allah Knows Best*



the Gaza strip is being attacked again. they say it stems up from an attack from Palestine to the Occupier's  side which killed 3 people (i'm not sure if it's soldiers or civillians). but as always, they would do a disproportional-counter-attack back to Palestine. it's pretty much the same story; look it up. i'm too annoyed to explain it all in here. 

but as always, it amazes me seeing the same replies by our brothers and sisters. 
"kill as much as you want, we will never go down." 

i don't really worry about them, truthfully. because i know they all can make it through. they have been through it for so long, it doesn't make any difference. with each attack, it only makes them stronger. nobody can deny this. it's myself that i'm worried of. and i guess there are quite a bunch of people just like me out there;

who's hatred towards this injustice is felt;
only at times.
who makes tearful desperate Doa for the Palestinians; 
only at times.
who hates them Occupiers so much it feels like the gut will just burst;
only at times;

instead of ALL THE TIME.

Allahu Allah.
i hope they will forgive us.
i hope Allah will Forgive us.
because, we often forget. 

continue with our Doa peeps.
it's all about injustice,
but we all know that things will be paid off perfectly in the end;
by Allah Maha Adil.


"Tidak beriman salah seorang diantara kamu 
hingga dia mencintai saudaranya sebagaimana dia mencintai dirinya sendiri."
(Riwayat Bukhari dan Muslim)


mind rant #10

sekejap takut.
sekejap tenang.
sekejap kalut.
sekejap tak kisah.
sekejap gembira.
sekejap murung.

sekejap cuma.

they never lasts.


was drowning myself in notes, when this song started playing from my 'Study Playlist'.
i stopped. 
wishing that i'm at a beach somewhere listening to this.
with no one else but Him. 

if only. :)

pray for me and friends out here.
semoga ilmu diberkati.
semoga masa diberkati.
semoga usaha diberkati.

and here is one of my faves for the night:

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

Ya Allah, janganlah Engkau biarkan nasib kami ditentukan diri kami sendiri, 
walau sekadar sekelip mata
atau sekadar masa yang lebih pendek dari itu.



A Simple Life


Question:  A 78-year-old lady fell. Complaining of wrist pain and hip pain. what's my initial management? 

hmm..take a break kejap. i'll deal with you later ye Nenek? :)


بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ

I love Fridays. Friday is always a good day for everyone. coming back home from the hospital with a very light heart; despite having to cycle in the cold winter night, showers of rain drenching me from top to bottom. no sir, it's definitely not difficult at all. because it's Friday. and tomorrow is the weekend. all is well. i will savor every moment; and the rain and freezing wind are not stopping the smile on my face as i cycled my way back to the comfort of home.

I love Fridays. because when i'm home, i'd usually do all the simple things that i couldn't really do during the weekdays. going to the kitchen, instead of eating to fill my tummy just for the sake of keeping it from grumbling, i'd spent a little more time with the cooking. i'd be able to do my laundry happily. lipat kain while listening to my favourite songs. plucking the guitar a bit for a good 10 minutes. vacuuming my room, and even the friend's room next door just because i have the time! life is bliss~~

I love Fridays. for being able to do all those stuff, care-free. and strangely i will always have the same thoughts when i'm doing all these, if only life was this simple. if only this is all i should worry about everyday. fulfilling some basic needs. cooking food. cleaning the house. doing the laundry.


i guess, once, people used to live like this. zaman atok-atok and nenek-nenek kita. Mama would sometimes tell me the stories of her grandmother. arwah Mok (that was what she was called, if i'm not mistaken). she was one very faithful wife. a typical classic gadis-Melayu zaman dahulu whenever i imagined it. arwah Mok was married to a very high-tempered man. yet, despite him being all scary at times, arwah Mok would always stay by his side quietly; and that somehow calms him down. and she was one who'd prepare food and wait by his side till he finished eating. and this is just one of those stories of the many atok-atok and nenek-nenek back then. 

similar stories came from both my late grand-dads too. where the men of the family, would have jobs that need them to travel here and there, and so the women of the family stays home with the children. making sure they eat well, never missed a prayer, go to Quran classes, and study hard. when the Atok came back home, the Nenek will focus more on Atok for a while. making sure he eats well, rest well, before he heads off for his job again. :)

comel kan?

if only we have this modest life. where albeit the simplicity, responsibilities towards the family are still fulfilled. and responsibilities as His Hamba are also fulfilled; the man would still learn about the Deen at the local masjid, whereas women at home would teach the children how to pray, how to fast, how to read the Quran etc.


but that was then. this is now. where the world has become much more scarier than before. where jahiliyyah is being organized in the best of ways, to seep through our minds and our hearts ever so subtly without us even realizing it. Ghazwul Fikr as many would call it; which means "Serangan Pemikiran". i'm no expert at explaining this, but i know enough that this is what is taking place right now. 

and i guess that simple life that i sometimes wish for is not the best option for today's society. when everyone around us, most if not all, are no longer with Islam despite claiming ourselves as Muslim. We call Islam as our 'way of life' every so often, but we never really adhere to it's rules in our lives. when our thoughts and actions are no longer aligned to what is right in Allah's Sight, but what is accepted by the society. and sadly, looking around, we are definitely not living in the best of society. =,='' and what's worse, we can easily fall into the trap too. naudzubillah.

we are living in a war really. chosen ones are facing more real wars like the ones in Palestine, in Gaza, in Syria, in Burma etc. but we are facing our own kinds of wars. war against the deteriorating society, war against the people who are calling others away from our Deen, war against the Syaitoon who will never stop till the Day of Judgement, and most importantly a war against ourselves. from our own nafs. from our own ill-hearts. 

so simple life, i guess i will keep you as one of my dreams for now.
i'm sure that simple life will come one day, if Allah Wills it; 
if it's not in this lifetime,
i pray that it comes in the HereAfter.
which is definitely in Sorga Kekal Abadi :)


back to striving to be a doctor now, yan. at least it's one of the many ways to reach out for the ummah. so Puan Nenek with wrist and hip pain, i think i'd start with the ABC first; airway, breathing and circulation alright? *wink*


mohon doa.
to me, to you, to everyone.
that whatever the path that we are taking,
no matter how difficult it is, it is done Lillahi Taala;
and let's aim for Jannah shall we? 

“Berangkatlah kamu baik dalam keadaan merasa ringan atau berat. 
Dan berjihadlah dengan harta dan dirimu di jalan Allah.” 
(At-Taubah: 41)

*as always, easier said than done.*
yours truly, 
a very, very, very hampeh girl. :(


mind rant #9

this will be a real one. i'll let words flow out of my congested brain.

**Demi Masa**
it's amazing how time is just another 'makhluk'. something that lives, something that exists with us. and it has never yet change it's ultimate purpose; which is to leave us behind. to never wait nor stop. and we, the one at fault, will always find ourselves chasing time. Allahu Allah. letih. i've always ended up with the same conclusion over and over again. "i wish i had more time."

to call abah and mama. 
to make a decision. 
to study hard. 
to read the Quran. 
to choose wisely. 
to blog and to remind! 
to do something i enjoy.
to do anything i want, for as long as i want.
without the guilt. without the pressure.

but that's not how Time works. and it's scary really. to think that we are accountable for all the time spent. and for all the time wasted. if we think of it that way then maybe having a lot of time is not such a good thing huh?

i find it very interesting, that Allah put me in a state of uncertainty, and yet, throws so many certain things my way; knowing that i can never really choose them. 

they say that for every situations that Allah put us in, it is because Allah wants to build our akhlak inside. i was initially wondering what Allah wanted to 'plant' in me. then finally the answer came, it was sabar.  and i guess when this uncertainty ends, it will definitely change to something else later on. oh well, i just hope i reach His Expectations. semoga menjadi hamba yang lebih sabar. Aamiin. :)

we all know that the ultimate aim in life is to seek His Redha. we all are seekers of His Redha. and interestingly, one of the path involves us doing the same thing; redha dengan ketetapan Allah. and how do this actually works? some said it's when we accept whatever our fates are. menerima Qada' dan Qadar. 

and looking around me, i guess i'm learning a thing or two about this;
that Redha is not just through words; "Aku Redha."
it's when our amal and our hearts are. 

gembira; friends are graduating kiri dan kanan; and thus those wedding invitations are following closely behind. it's that time of the year again :) Alhamdulillah~ (and oh, sedikit jealous.heheh)
but as the common saying goes: "grass is always greener on the other side."

dan akhirnya saya bimbang;
seeing others being caught up with friends who are getting married. when they are no longer seeing things beyond. moping around that they are not married, while others are. and seeing marriage as just another solution for a problem that we have; of being lonely and takut jadi andartu. hadoy. =,=''
focusing on marriage as if it's the only source of Chenta in this world;

marriage is not a solution,
it's a responsibility.

menjadi isteri yang taat; 
rather simply said, but definitely not an easy task.
we all are ready for the white weddings, the bouquets, the hantaran, the flower girls etc.
but are we really ready for all the other things?

the small bickering in the future;
the smelly clothes he threw your way;
the broken kitchen sink that is still not fixed;
the day that he forgot your own anniversary;
the day you're so sad you just want a hug, and all he does is watch football.

how sure are we that we can handle all these in the most appropriate-'isteri-yang-taat' way?
tepuk dada, tanya iman. :)

it's the best feeling in the world. knowing that there is Allah;
who listens to every word you say;
who understand every feelings you feel;
who can solve every single problems that you have;
who Knows what is best for you, and what is not.

tak cukup lagi kah?

end of mind rant.
reminders to self first and foremost insyaAllah.
ps: i've been busy. :P
mohon doa. that Allah Eases my path.
jazakumullah~ :)
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