the Double S

after the exam, i waited for the other 2 pretty girls to finish their session. im the first name in the batch so i've accepted my fate that i will always be in the first group. went to college alone at about 7.30am, and finished the OSCEs at 10am. alhamdulillah~ after piles of crazy exams, Allah ended that strained period well for us. ok. no more exam talk. overall, alhamdulillah it's over and done with. hospital this monday! cant wait for a new life. (which is much scarier, but whatever).


Surreal and Syria.

so at 3pm, we headed to O'Connel street a.k.a the city of Dublin. at the Spire in Dublin's heart, the kids were holding a Flashmob for Syria. i have watched countless of Syria Flashmobs in youtube from all over the world. thus knowing that they will hold one in Dublin a few weeks back, i was so up for it! despite missing the 2 rehearsals cause of those exams, but alhamdulillah we were still able to join the real one yesterday. :)

we got into positions. some were actors who acted scenes happening in Syria. me and the girls just have words like "Your sillence is Killing Syria" on our back and facing them words to the crowd passing by. so then there was this moment of silence. where the actors were in their position, and we were in ours. and everybody stayed still while the crowds looked around. some honked. some looked curiously from the bus or from the sides. some were curious enough to walk around. some take pictures.

so here is the surreal part.

when we were asked to stay still in those positions, i really didn't know what to do. not literally, because staying still is just..staying still. i was thinking; macam mana nak betulkan niat in these circumstances? what am i doing there? for what? how much is this helping them? what are we aiming for? are the words on my back and in my hands will able to let these crowds around know? will all those scenes acted touch their hearts? or at least for ones who haven't heard of Syria, will they go home and check what's happening? those questions cropped up. 

the whole time i wondered, the actors are acting scenes that are really happening back in Syria. then and there too. the fact that while we are silently showing still acts of dragging people by their shirts, crying over dead bodies, soldiers stepping on people, these are happening at that moment too, back in Syria. 

someone is being dragged by their shirt in that 10 minutes.
someone is crying over dead bodies of their loved ones in that 10 minutes.
someone is being stepped and kicked and punched by evil soldiers in that 10 minutes

get what i mean? surreal. when somehow you dont know what you are doing, knowing that something so sinister is really happening somewhere else. and the fact that after the whole thing, i went to eat with ika and pika, makes it all so surreal. how different it is. our world and their world; our test and their test of iman.

some say: 

"susah la. nak pikir pasal Syria la, Palestine la 
bukan boleh buat apa pun.
(ps: thumbs up for the wideworld GMJ, by the way). 
yang masalah sosial Malaysia pun tak habis lagi. 
family pun tak jaga elok lagi. 

diri sendiri pun entah ke mana lagi!"

this is the usual words coming out of everybody's mouth really. when we think of what's happening around us, we realize that it's too much. and we realize how insignificant we are and that doing anything really changes nothing. but that's the problem. these thought are wrong.

because when we are doing these kinds of things, no matter how small it is; be it going to global marches, doing these flashmobs, watching those videos, spreading things around; it's still something doable. yes it does not make much difference. us boycotting Starbucks will not make Palestine free in 10 minutes. us going to marches, or flashmobs will not free those people from any hardships. 

but the fact that we are doing all these small things, because we are thinking of them, shows that we are praying for them. and bukan ke "Doa senjata Mukmin."?

i admit, we can never do much. but not being able to do much, doesn't mean you don't have to do nothing. doing something and not doing anything is a huge difference. but doing something is already something, and it's for Him to decide how big or small it is. how significant or insignificant it is. the thing is, nothing is insignificant in Allah's sight.

so no matter how surreal it seems at that moment; having being able to go shopping still afterwards, i prayed that those effort counts. at least us 100++ people there for those few hours, were all there because we are indirectly praying for them. and prayers are always Heard. kan? so make the effort. not just for yourself, but for others too. 

“Tidak sempurna iman seseorang itu selagi dia tidak mengasihi saudaranya 
sebagaimana ia mengasihi dirinya sendiri.” 
(Riwayat Bukhari dan Muslim) 



Cracks in Life

Dear blog. 

i wish to not leave you here all alone in eerie silence, but i have a huge exam in 2 days time. to readers, do pray for us doctors-wannabe :)

but for the sake of random sharing, here goes. some retrospecting of my personal life. insyaAllah, i wish to not write any sins or tragedies of mine; but retrospecting with the hope that someone somewhere might learn a thing or two. :)


So. a dear friend of mine, texted me saying she bought the ever famous "aku terima nikahnya" book. yes, the book that got every lovey-dovey couples to the world of singles :) *hoyeah* 

i read that book a few years back, but never finished it. because somehow it does not give me that "kick" that i wanted so bad in the gut. you know, that 'ade umph' feeling. or maybe because when i read that book i have already got the kick i wanted from another book, and had made that life-changing decision of mine. InsyaAllah i will recommend the book at the end of this post. :)

yes. i once fell into the world of lovey-dovey. thinking about it already spark different kinds of emotions inside of me. angry, sad, frustrated, you name it. those feelings are definitely aimed back at me. the young me who knew bits and pieces of this and that, but too oblivious to do what is right. like everyone, i wish to turn back that clock and undo all the mistakes i made, all the wrong words i said. but i guess everybody has their fair share of dark past that will haunt them and lead them to changes, right? like one of the sayings i love most;

"Blessed are the cracks, for they shall let in the light."
-Gruocho Marx-

so yes, i'm one with cracks, here and there. and this part of my life is one of the biggest crack i had. but insyaAllah it has let the largest amount of light in. no need to go into details but it was one of those things that involved so many people and it was serious too. i guess those things sort of masked the right thing that i should have done all along, which was to let things go. 

i pity my wherever-you-are-Mr Right who'll have me as his Miss Wifey, because i am not the sweet, innocent, gadis ayu, lesung pipit di pipi-type that every guy dreams of. as much as i hate to admit having these cracks, but they are what made me human.  they are the essence that made me an abid  (hamba) of Him. one who made mistakes and learn from them, leading us all back to the One Above. :*googly eyes*


some say, the longer the relationship is, the harder the breaking up will be. maybe. but i think these are all things that indoctrinate our minds from doing what is right. just like how we were poisoned with thoughts that relationship should always start with going out together, movies, saying i love you's, then after a few years you start to think about marriage..because thinking about marriage earlier on puts pressure, yadda yadda. all those things the teen magazines would cover on a monthly basis, really.

but that didn't happen to me. Alhamdulillah. for truly, all praises goes to Him, who kept this heart of mine with Him. letting go was easy. :) and here's where the book came into the story. a small book, which i took coincidently from a friend's room, just for some simple lazy reading, which lead me to making the decision with a wide smile on my face. it felt like a new beginning, really. a life with no strings attached; no strings to those ongoing sins (that i still pray that He Forgives to this very day) huhu. 

Nikmatnya Pacaran Setelah Pernikahan

so here's the book. i felt like sharing it again today (cause i think i did shared it once already). i cant help but smile everytime i read the title of the book. who would have thought, that a funny-titled book (that my big sister would always tease me about in her Indon dialect) would have given that little push that one needs in making the best of decisions.

so to those out there. i'm pretty sure that many have doubts of doing the right thing, despite knowing much about it. but you just dont have the strength to let things go; worried of your own feelings, worried of hurting others. but trust me, the best of feelings is knowing that Allah is keeping hold of it. and either it's happiness or sadness, only Allah is able to give that, no matter how hard you try to avoid them or seek them. 

sometimes, all we need is just a little push. 
mine was from this book. 
seek yours :) 

good luck and may Allah be with you.


the Likes.


Facebook introduced us to a new trend. the Like trend. when Like can actually be what it literally means, and can also be so different that it somehow lead you to go reading between the lines (or between the alphabets in this case. heh)

we hit the button when we find ourselves laughing at some lame jokes, some 9Gags, some funny pictures, some funny quotes, or any funny status posted in facebook.

we hit that button when we find ourselves genuinely feeling grateful or thankful towards something. a soothing message, a birthday wish or any wishes for any matter.

we hit the button when we see anything cute, or pretty or calming. anything that somehow makes the corner of our mouth twitch; when somewhere deep inside we just feel good about them things.

we hit the button when we find ourselves so touched, so affected by the message behind all those things posted. be it a movie, or a clip, or a picture, or a status. 

and we even hit it unconsciously most of the time (in my case that's what happened). but that Like button can be used for all the wrong reasons too.

when we want others to hit the Like button;
wanting them to Like our pictures, acknowledging how fun our life is, how great our vacation has been, how beautiful we have looked in that event, how macho we have dressed that night, how delicious the food we ate, how great we are at cooking, how great we are at anything that we do etc. (excluded are cases where you want to sell things of course. :P) somehow wanting those Likes, reading into them as being compliments to what we did, how we look etc.

it's wrong when we want others to hit the Like button;
letting them people acknowledge how smart we are in our way of thinking, or how cool we are at giving thoughts on issues, or how  intelligent we are in handling criticism in the public eye; yes perhaps most of our intention is to convey the messages, the thoughts; but maybe deep down there is that tiny little voice that yearns for people to acknowledge us instead of just the message.

though these thoughts insyaAllah are not always there, or haven't been in our heads at all (alhamdulillah). i guess it's not wrong to remind ourselves once in a while when we decide to hit that Like button, or wanting that button to be hit; because our intention might have just deviate along the way.

"seriously? benda ni pun nak kena fikir ke?
Like button je pun. kecoh gi*err.."
kecoh? maybe. over-thinking? mungkin. 
not too big of a deal? hmm. but i'm reminded of this when i'm saying all these. 

Tiada siapa mampu menghitung sebagaimana perhitungan Allah.
Perhitungan Allah sangat tepat. Tidak akan terlepas daripada Allah walau perkara sebesar zarah.

“Barangsiapa yang mengerjakan kebaikan seberat zarah, niscaya dia akan melihat (balasan)nya.

Dan barangsiapa yang mengerjakan kejahatan sebesar zarah, niscaya dia akan melihat (balasan)nya pula.”

Surah Al-Zalzalah ayat 7-8.

why am i writing about this?

because i cant help and wonder, for those who Liked every single thing that they see, is it genuinely coming from the heart? are those things likeable enough that you just have to hit that button every so often? are we really Liking things bacause of the message behind it, or is it because we just want others to acknowledge our existence? if it's the latter, then i suggest we should rethink of what our intentions are. especially when it involves the opposite sex. 

just my 2 cents.

yours truly.
sorry for reading too deep into things. heh ;)


Just Another Chapter.

salam :)

i've been in and out of this blog many many times. contemplating on what to write. when there is so much going on in your mind, you would almost always end up in silence. no words. just thoughts buzzing around. so many things happened, in a very short period of time. melancholic as i might be, it does affect me in every way i could think of; 

physically. because i moved out.
psychologically; i had an exam the other day. and big ones are coming up in less than 2 weeks time.
emotionally; friends left Dublin for good. *teary*

each has their own lengthy story. but i guess this blog is not for me to rant about my boring life. (though i have done it occasionally in mind rants.heh) but it's to share how those changes helped me reflect. setuju? thank you. :) from those three, i'll be talking about one that affected me the most; of them friends leaving Dublin for good. 

i cant tell all about them in here. because each individual i have met, has somewhat build this person i am today. and to tell how each and everyone of them influenced me, is not something that i can do. enough to know that i cherish them in my heart. those INTEC kids, my Stillorgan housemates, my Shifaa housemates, the ISOC kids, the FOSIS gang, the KMBians; i miss them all truthfully. but i'll only be babbling about one for tonight, because i made a promise to them once, that i will write about 'us' in here. :) so to those not mentioned, enough to assure you that you guys are in my heart too. always. :')

so here goes;


Mukhliseen. if you readers are alert enough, i have mentioned this name quite a few times in here. (ke tak? i know i did once). it's my usrah's name. my Bulatan Gembira. the group where i recharged myself over and over again. it's where i listened to so many stories, told in a different perspective. a perspective where Allah comes first. where our Religion is the basis, insyaAllah. 

it was our last usrah that day. we went to the mosque as usual. somehow it seems like everybody still think of it like any other usrah we had before. we sit down, with the food and junks in the middle. Quran in hand. notebooks and ipads and ipods around. stopping for a while for the prayers. but towards the end, we had a different session than normal. it's time for some 'pesanan' time. our words of wisdom to those leaving. their words of wisdom for those left behind.

when my turn came, i broke down. typical typical me. but i wondered what kind of sadness was i feeling? is it just because im not able to see them again? macam tipu. i think im still able to go back home to Malaysia and meet them somewhere in cafes what not. is it because im worried that it might not be the same way like before? we may be awkward the next time we meet. not having much to share etc? maybe.

but i think the most painful thing is the realization; that this is a borrowed blessing that He is taking back from us; taking back from me. Mukhliseen. our usrah. a group of people Allah had given me the chance to be with, sharing thoughts, building our beliefs together, strengthening our beliefs together. Mukhliseen can never be complete without each and everyone of us. because everybody has helped built one another in many different ways. 

and Allah is taking some of that nikmat back. because that's life, it's just something borrowed. and He Takes what is rightfully His to begin with.

so as sad as it might be, to realize that the 6-membered-Mukhliseen will no longer be there; and that there might be just the four of us, or maybe some additional members coming soon, or whatever the changes that might take place; somehow i feel contented. that at least, Allah had gave us this chance to know one another, and helped one another in this race for His Redha. i feel blessed; knowing that He had always Planned everything in my life, and He includes Mukhliseen in it. 

and thinking that it has now become a part of my past, and no longer my present; i have to say that it has been a one good chapter of my life that i will cherish. that i will look back more often than i wished for. and i hope, when that Day comes, this chapter of my life will be something that save me from the Hell Fire. insyaAllah.

Another chapter of my life has ended.I thank Allah for giving me one of the best;
and I pray that the ones coming my way are as good as this, 
if not better.

to fellow Mukhliseen, 
ones who have left, and ones who are still with me;
you guys dont know how much you have taught me.
i thank Allah for all of you.

praying that through Mukhliseen, we strive harder to become one. 
ameen. :)

yours truly,
striving hard.
ps: do get an usrah of your own. you wont regret it :)
dont know where to find one? email me. i'm here to help
(iklan sket) ^^,

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